It always baffles me when people pull the bait and switch on the online dating services and then wonder why they are still single.

Well, you LIED to them. Yeah. That's a great way to start a relationship.

I didn't go on a second date with a guy online for exactly that reason. He was about 30 lbs heavier in real life than he was in his photo. He wasn't terrible looking, even with the extra weight, but I was peeved at being lied to.

You want that first date to be a time to get to know someone, not to wonder, "What the hell happened to him?"

I remember how upset I was after finally meeting this cute girl, we talked on the phone a few times and it went really well, normally I am very bad at talking esp. on the phone.

When it came time to meet I walked right by her without recognizing her. The woman I met was either not the one in the pic, or that pic was 10 years and 50 lbs ago. I was really upset afterwards, not angry, just sad. I never got to meet the person I thought I was going to.

I was pleasant and after leaving never spoke to her again. We got along well and could have been good friends if we met in another way. But I couldn't get over the fact her picture was not her.

My sister used to post her hs graduation picture on the dating sites. She was 40, and weighed 100 lbs more than she had in the picture. Ridiculous.

Once I was browsing the men at Matchdotcom with a friend and we came across a profile...his picture was a full frontal shot of his fully engorged member. I thought, gee, he looks like a nice guy.

I thought, gee, he looks like a nice guy.

At least he was honest: He's a dick.

"...his picture was a full frontal shot of his fully engorged member."

Was he at least handsome? Or did anyone really notice after that?

"People don't want to have sex with you because you seem like a really nice person."

Note: Amy is, on occasion, not a "really nice person".

Ahem.

This is one of my favorite things to bitch about when it comes to online dating. I belong to an online dating site and I have come across this problem a few times. Over the years, I've taken off the rose-colored glasses and view all pictures with a somewhat cynical eye. I think a lot of potential problems can be avoided re: the picture issue if you just take the time to look at the style of clothes and the background surroundings in the picture. While not completely fail safe, I have been able to figure out that a picture is more than a few years old if I just pay attention. I especially love the ones that post a picture taken from 40 feet away, with their sunglasses on and then they blow it up to total distortion. I stay away from those profiles. I figure they are hiding something. And in case anyone is wondering, yes, I have current up to date pictures that show full body, are clear and show me in a variety of settings. I hate to be surprised and wouldn't want to do that to anyone else.

Note: Amy is, on occasion, not a "really nice person".

Only to those who deserve "not really nice."

Otherwise, I try to take the advice I give in my book and do small kindnesses for strangers, from just shooting people a friendly smile to doing little helpful things. And I'm always sweet to Gregg, who deserves nothing less.

So...does being difficult, in and of itself, make people seem more fuckable?

Read that wrong for just a minute, Ms. Alkon. I thought you were talking about just shooting people. Didn't see the friendly smile part at first.

"So...does being difficult, in and of itself, make people seem more fuckable?"

Nah, she being difficult would make it more work than it's worth. Or, restated, I wouldn't sleep with someone I wouldn't want to play gin rummy with.

Being able to recognize when it is time to not be nice means you're a better long-term bet!

Depends on if your into the whole "forced" consent thing

Not only all those issues, but many profiles are fake designed to draw you into some illegal scheme. I almost became a victim.

It's like that other great mystery of online life: why some people post Photoshopped or outright fake pics of themselves on Facebook. How overgrown and/or fragile an ego do you have to have to do that?

I have two experiences to relate.

1. My date was probably 10 years older than I expected. One of the first things she said was "Oh, you really are XX." She had assumed I was lieing just like she was and had expected me to be about her age.

2. I was having a drink or something. This cute girl sits next to me and starts chatting me up. I had emailed her online and she had assumed I was lieing and so had passed...but then recognized me when she saw me in person. It didn't work out because of other things.

My point, that people were then getting to the point of assuming lieing.

People lying on line? I don't believe it! Next, you'll be telling me that those women on phone-sex lines don't look like the women on the commercials!

(Actually, I've thought about it as an employment possibility if things got really bad, since I figure most of them are just dirty-minded old broads like me.)

I gave up on online dating for a lot of the reasons you list...

Example 1... My profile listed interest in women aged 25-35, and yet I would routinely receive responses from women whose age was 40+. I would not reply. I finally had one 42 year old message me asking why I was being so "rude" as to not respond. I replied "I do not respond to people who are illiterate, and do not comprehend basic mathematics. 42 is older than 35, in case you did not notice..."

The reply I received was unprintable...

Example 2... Met someone, had a great time, and all seemed to be well. Had specified "do not want children". Had a great time for a month, until her two kids from her ex-husband came home from vacation...

Her response; "I thought you would change your mind after we spent some time together"...

Example 3... Profile states "no drugs". After the third date, she asks to light a joint in my apartment. My response; "NO!!!"

Her response; "But smoking pot isn't drugs!"

My response... "We're done. Get out!"

Cognitive dissonance is a wonderful thing.

I would rather gouge my eyes with a salad fork than do online dating again!

Here's another take on the online dating scam...

I arranged to meet a guy (met online) at the coffee shop. He said he grew up in my town, and knew it well, so the coffee shop location was also known to him. We sent a few emails and pics back and forth over the weekend, which was the extent of our preliminaries. He had the exact address of the coffee shop. The last email he sent me included his cell phone number, and i wondered why he would give me that.

Monday morning, i went to the coffee shop to meet him. Waited for 30 mins; he was a no show. I went back home and got online, and there he was, online. I sent him an email, asked him why he didn't show up. He apologized profusely, said he was at the wrong coffee shop, virtually kicked himself, and asked would i please, please, please, return to the original coffee shop and he'd meet me there?? I was dumbfounded. Again, i wondered why he had given me his cell number. Why would anyone phone someone they don't know, if they have been stood up? But i am sure people do, without thinking. Further thought on this topic lead me to this stunning realization...

Had i phoned him (on my cell) from the coffee shop to ask him where he was, he would then have been able to do a reverse look up on me. He knew no one else was home, as i recalled during our several preliminary emails, he had asked about my home life. Yes, i live alone. No one home, while i'm out at the coffee shop waiting for him.

Doing a reverse look up on someone gives them your address too (unless you are unlisted). A quick trip to the house while no one is home, and a quick B&E, and ~voila~ easy pickings. The stupe never knew what hit her.

But i listened to my gut and never called him. He was hoping against all odds that i would have called him on the first go round. And again on the second go round if i fell for his "oh, i messed up, went to the wrong coffee shop".

His begging made me realize that either he was so incredibly needy or just plain stupid... or maybe both! But also, my antennae were way up. Giving your cell # to someone you really don't know is a stupid mistake. Make human contact first before giving out any personal information about yourself, like your address, etc. It just makes sense.

Online dating is just as full of pitfalls as any other type of dating. It's up to the participants to think straight, think smart, and think quick.

> Online dating is just as full of pitfalls as any
> other type of dating. It's up to the participants
> to think straight, think smart, and think quick.

Yes.

So...does being difficult, in and of itself, make people seem more fuckable?

Posted by: Amy Alkon at March 26, 2010 12:51 PM

Amy, being told Fuck You does not mean they want to Fuck You.

Just though I'd clear that up.

As far as Online dating goes, I actually post pics that aren't that good. Not horrible but ones that I know I look better than in real life. That makes for a much better first date when she's pleasantly surprised.

Agree with most everything that has been said here. I'm one of those people who looks better in real life than pictures, yet I always put up recent (good) pics when I was dating online and didn't even look at profiles that didn't have any pics. I only was online about 6 months then starting dating my current husband, but I consistently got complimented on the fact that I actually looked like my pics and better--guys would always bitch about that being their biggest peeve--particularly the pictures before alot of weight gain.

It's the height of absurdity, IMO, to convince yourself that by the sheer force of your personality, you're going to make people see something other than what you are--particularly during that all important first meeting. They are either going to find you attractive, or they aren't. Why waste everyone's time?

Same for other "untruths" that people sometimes put out there. If he doesn't want kids, you really think YOU'RE going to be the ONE to change his mind? Doubtful.

I moved to a different part of a big state, and knew no one. I tried online dating, and actually got two dates out of it. Neither of them was a bad time, especially, but nothing clicked.

Then I started getting involved with the local theater company, and have met a couple of special someones from that. Spending time out with people who are interested in some of the same things you are seems to work best; it certainly works that way for me. And if you don't meet anyone, at least you are doing something you enjoy.

Amy, I've never said that I didn't like you.

I agree with a lot of what you write about but I think you have some big blind spots in your logic which I have a habit of pointing out.

Sorry if this offends you. I don't think you're a bad person.

Oh and why I come here is because I have your blog in my "blogs" tag in safari which I click on multiple times every day. I added you way back when. Even though I don't read you every day your tab is there.

I'll remove it and you won't have to hear any more of my views which don't agree with yours.

I don't see how people can date someone over a personals website. You have your first meeting and what the hell do you talk about? You've already said all the important stuff on your profile.

I think the problem here is that people either don't understand, or don't want to acknowledge, one of the major tradeoffs in choosing online dating vs. real-life dating -- namely, that one's statistics and characteristics take precedence over one's personality, at least on the front end. In real life, we often do end up dating people who don't quite fit our statistical preferences...because interpersonal chemistry is one vital factor that isn't terribly obvious from statistics. If you meet someone you enjoy talking to and spending time with, and that person is of the gender to which you are romantically attracted, sometimes, eventually, you look around and say, "Huh, I wonder what she/he looks like with her/his shirt off." In fact, sometimes you find similarities and connections that you wouldn't have anticipated being important, but are. I seriously doubt that Mary Matalin would have picked James Carville's profile on a dating Website, but they appear very happy together -- thanks, I'd say, to the fact that they have compatible personalities.

IMO, many people don't want to accept this tradeoff. Seeking love online is a lot less scary for many people (including me!) than seeking love in person.Going out when you'd rather stay home takes effort. Talking with people you've never met before can be intimidating. Doing an in-depth analysis of your interactions with others and making changes if necessary can be excruciating. Identifying activities that can increase your social reach is typically more time-consuming and less efficient than signing up with Match.com and eHarmony. Etc.

If you want the ease of dating online, then you have to accept that some of the people who would like you if they met you in real life will reject you sight unseen. Some people don't want to accept this, and try an end run around it with misleading photos. As with most strategies to avoid tradeoffs, the failure rate is stratospherically high, but since a significant proportion of the population seems to be hardwired to deny the existence of tradeoffs, the attempts to implement this strategy persist.

I do not do online dating, but I do do local politics, and it seems to me this Washington state regulation for political advertising should apply here as well: "If candidate photos are used in any ad, at least one of them must have been taken within the last 5 years and be no smaller than the largest candidate photo in the ad."

> there's really no need to make a big
> announcement about it.

No, Amy! Beg him to come back! Without him, we're nothing! Please! PLEASE ask him to stay!

> interpersonal chemistry is one vital factor

Amy found a great tweet about this.

It's like trying to imagine HILLARY Clinton banging a schlubby, interpersonally-dicey intern.

I just love when they feel compelled to announce they're never coming back instead of just doing it.

PS Of course he'll be back.

Bets anyone?

It's like trying to imagine HILLARY Clinton banging a schlubby, interpersonally-dicey intern.

Hillary Clinton, no; Iris Robinson, yes.

I should have added "like trying to imagine HILLARY Clinton banging a schlubby, interpersonally-dicey intern for the sex."