Hmmm, I don't give a damn about my birthday normally, and I'm surprised when people want to make a big deal about it. But my high school sweetheart rings me every year - and when she didn't have time last year till the next day (husband and two kids will do that to you) I found I really missed it. Likewise I got really pissed off at a very ambiguous girl who specifically asked me when it was then ignored it. I think it's one of the ways you show you actually care. Doesn't have to be about expensive presents or the perfect day out etc, the thought is nice.

But it only matters from people who are really close to you. I won't deny that the "suspect that women who make a huge deal out of birthdays might not feel that great about themselves and their day-to-day lives, and use their birthday to make up for it" factor plays a part, but I think it's fair to expect that your partner might want to do something special for you, and these markers provide a good excuse.

If my friends in general don't remember or know, I could care less - but if a partner didn't want to at least go out for dinner, I would be a bit miffed.

and when she didn't have time last year till the next day (husband and two kids will do that to you) I found I really missed it

Before anyone asks, yes I call her too on her birthday - and mostly on the right day (Boxing Day is a terrible day to have a birthday). But she's very understanding so I get away with it.

It clearly has more to do with the family you were raised in. It does seem more common for women to be into it then men and more strict about (e.g. no putting go out off till the weekend).

Celebration is different too. Most the guys (if it up to him) will go bar hopping or ball game. Most of the women tend to favor a fancy restaurant. (I know (of) some younger women who favor the barhopping and was talking about a booz cruiser for her 30th).

I've come to treat my birthday as I do other present-giving/celebrating holidays: it's not a big deal to me, but it's extra special nice if someone remembers. That way I'm always pleasantly surprised. I just had a birthday a month ago and was pleased to get a card and some cash from my grandparents (with which I had great fun at Anthropologie), but I wouldn't have been terribly disappointed if I hadn't. Even simple acknowledgment of the day is great, because I agree with Ltw in that it's nice when the people close to you remember and want to say something.

I also agree that I do expect a boyfriend I've been seeing a while to remember, but I wouldn't throw a fit if he didn't. But, then, I'm not a fit-thrower. But I wouldn't be seriously dating a guy who wouldn't care enough to at least try to remember to say happy birthday to me (even if he remembered a week too early or too late), so I haven't had to deal with not remembering at all. Still, I'm not a fit-thrower.

And also I hate the princessy, it's-all-about-me-me-me-and-you-may-worship-at-my-feet-today attitude that some women have about their birthdays. And I really don't like being put in the spotlight like that, so I certainly don't court it.

I have an ability to remember people's birthdays. I can't remember their names but if they told me when they were born, I would remember. When my birthday came and went this year without so much as a happy birthday from my dad, sister, and brother... I was bummed out. As a rule though, I don't celebrate my birthday and don't care if it's not noticed by anyone else.

I've just said ciao to a malignant narcissist who celebrates his birthday for a minimum on one week annually. The world stops.

For me, not even a card on behalf of our young children.

After 19 years of this, I can't stand to celebrate my own birthday, barring congrats on the day from true friends and family...always a welcome pleasure.

It's that secretely we all think we're the most important person in the world, so the day we were born should be a big to-do for everyone. I get a kick out of the fact that most mexicans celebrate my b-day (the dieciseis de septiembre).

That said, I'm the one who's forgotten our anniversary here. I'm just a really busy woman. Both DH and mine's b-days and our anniversary and within a month of each other, so we generally do one night out and call them good.

I'm usually a bitter misogynist but I have to be on the pro-birthday side here. Not that forgeting what day a beloved one is born on is that great a crime but it stands in for a whole host of associated sins.

That is, not sharing ANY thoughts, verbally or otherwise, during the course of a relationship. Not helping out around the house. Being emotionally distant. Not even giving the impression that you like the person you're having sex with.

Sure, don't expect me to cry or share my innermost feelings every morning. But I do realize that I have to be emotionally there most of the time.

I dunno about that men thing, my friends celebrate birthdays.

It's an excuse (like we need one) to drink and talk loudly.

There's a difference between thinking an acknowledgment of your birthday is a consideration from someone you have known a long time and thinking your birthday should be a one day festival that has non-stop fireworks. I was never big on celebrating mine but always appreciate that the people that love me make the effort to wish me a happy. I have a Halloween birthday so having kids, usually my birthday's were spent at school parties and then tric o treating. Not much time to be selfish and demanding, but again, an acknowledgment is nice. Most of my girlfriends are like me and don't expect more than a happy birthday or maybe a card. I do have one friend though who throws herself a bash every year. She's annoying in general though and needs a lot of attention so the birthday demands sort of fit her personality.

My wife works with a lady who makes a month-long thing out of her birthday. She does it as a parody of birthday princesses. It's a running joke in their office. They get her tacky presents and put up signs proclaiming her age.

but you don't see Frank and Biff and Joe celebrating each other's special day

Sure, you do. It might be called the Super Bowl, or perhaps celebrating the NHL, MLB or NBA playoffs. Or possibly all of the above.

Those are very special days.

There is a difference between what people do for you of their own volition, and what you expect them to do, and will get mad at them for not doing, and not doing your way.

It matters if you feel entitled to having a celebration, or if you are happy when someone remembers.

Eh, I know plenty of guys who celebrate their birthdays, and plenty of women who don't care that much about theirs. Not sure this is a gender thing specifically. YMMV.

There's a difference between thinking an acknowledgment of your birthday is a consideration from someone you have known a long time and thinking your birthday should be a one day festival that has non-stop fireworks.

Totally agree. I think it is not unreasonable to expect someone with whom you're romantically involved to remember your birthday, wish you a happy one, volunteer to put the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher for you on that day, etc. etc. And I confess that I see it as part of the package for a long-time romantic partner to plan some sort of celebrant-approved celebration for major birthdays (as I did for my now-husband's first "major" birthday after we started dating -- much fun was had by all). But expecting the world to stop on one's birthday is annoying.

That having been said...while this may not come naturally to guys, there are a whole lot of things that don't necessarily come naturally to people that they should learn how to do over the course of a romantic relationship. While I think it's unreasonable to expect a guy to treat his established romantic partner like a princess for a month for her birthday, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to set up a reminder on his phone's calendar function so that he can remember to wish her a happy birthday, get her a card and take her out to dinner. Same with women and the men with whom they are in established romantic relationships. Bad memory? That's what modern electronics are for.

Birthdays are fun. I love any excuse to celebrate. I make a big deal over my husband's birthday, and, while I don't need pony rides and fireworks for mine, I'd be a pretty sad panda if he forgot.

We also make a big deal out of Valentine's Day. I know it's trendy to hate that day, because somehow celebrating Valentine's Day means you treat each other like shit the rest of the year and are a Hallmark whore, but we've established the tradition of getting a couples massage on V-Day, which is pretty damn sweet.

I have this irritating ability of remembering birthdays a week before the date. Then the day comes and goes and I'd have forgotten all about it.

Birthdays are just another day to me. It's nice when people remember, but it won't hurt my feelings if they don't.

What makes me cringe is that awkward compulsion for birthdays to be celebrated in the workplace. Standing around the conference table, croaking out half-hearted renditions of Happy Birthday to the IT guy whose name I can't remember? No thanks. I've got work to do, people.

Forget a woman's birthday or anniversary and you're in the dog house.

While dating a woman with a child, I neglected to get her a present for Mother's Day and got chastised for that! She's not *my* mother so what gives?!?

@robert I couldn't agree with you more. Mother's Day should simply be a familial event. If you were the child's father, obviously it would be a different scenario...that counts.

> I'm usually a bitter misogynist but I have to be
> on the pro-birthday side here

Turn in your epaulets, cadet.

Marion's right, it's probably a baseline happiness thing. Or maybe a I-live-my-life-behind-a-projected-scrim-of-optimism-and-cheer kind of thing. People with greater emotional zest and a sense of drama seem to like holidays.

I loved holidays and birthdays as a child, but that was all over by the end of the teens. Letterman once said: "There are people who will applaud that passage of time...."

(Nonetheless, the summer holidays have been gaining power on the meaning scale in recent years. No ghostly spirits, just real guys... Veterans, authors of the Declaration, etc.)

My wife likes it that I do nice things for her for her birthday; a gift, dinner at a good restaurant, etc. But she doesn't expect that I go overboard, and has never freaked about precisely when it happens, and doesn't expect that I give her something extravagant. In short, she's totally sane about it, as she is about most things. Her good sense about what actually matters in life was one of the main reasons I decided I wanted to marry her.

My husband cares much more about his birthdays than I do about mine. I expect a big deal for my birthday this year (hopefully a weekend trip to New York or Chicago), but it's my 30th birthday, and he's never so much as thrown me a party.
For husband's birthdays, it's always an event. Last year we had at least 40 people over for a party. Other years it's been concerts, etc... never the weeklong celebration, though.
Any time I hear someone over the age of 21 talking about their "birthday week," I cringe.

I would prefer it if people forgot my birthday. It's usually one of the worst days of the year for me.

For women, I think it's a matter of thinking that if she's important to a guy, he should make an effort to remember it. If he doesn't, he's essentially telling her she doesn't matter that much to him.

It's so true Amy! I was in a relationship two years ago and the guys idea of celebrating my b-day was taking me and my son to see Iron Man. The thing is, HE was the one that wanted to see it, but tried to kill two birds with one date. It would have been fine to go to the film, I actually liked it! But don't try to pass it off as some bday treat for me! I never make a big deal out of my bday, but I was disappointed that year. I say that youre right because I was feeling less than happy with the "day to day" relationship, and something nice on my birthday might have served as a distraction from the reality of being attached to a self centered narcisist.

No doubt due to some cranial trauma in my early childhood, I just have no sense of these things (Christmas again? Does it happen every year? Since when?)

So I, with prejudice, purpose, or reservation, forget about these sorts of things.

Two years on, my wife hasn't quite gotten over that I forgot her 50th. And no amount of explaining that I knew what day it was on, I just didn't that that day was That day, has sufficed.

For all women I have ever known, this stuff Really Matters.

As for those friends of mine who are guys, I scarcely know what month they were born in, never mind the day. The ignorance is mutual.

I have a (male) friend in Germany, and it seems all of his friends throw themselves big birthday parties every year, both the males and females. These are all adults. In fact, he seems to be the only one in his group that doesn't give a rats behind about his birthday.

I find the whole thing of adults celebrating anything except milestone birthdays a bit odd. Different strokes, I s'pose.

Please, please dont let the waitstaff sing to me in a restaurant. I just want to crawl under the table! I don't have any expectations about my birthday or any other holiday. That way I don't have to act surprised or be disappointed. When my birthday is remembered, it's nice, but no need to make a dramatic production out of it.

The advantage of being the oldest in my social group is that if they attempt to publicly humiliate me, I can retaliate.

And they know I have a thing for revenge.

Mutually Assured Destruction keeps the humiliation to a minimum.

I think it's sometimes about control/power. Some women feel compelled to specifically search for instances where they have supposedly caught you "doing something wrong", allowing them to gain increased leverage or control in the relationship via emotional manipulation (appeal to conscience and guilt). It doesn't really matter what it is you've supposedly done wrong -- rest assured, she'll find *something* -- as long as it justifies a claim of putting you in the doghouse - but choosing the premise of a failed expectation that society also commonly shares and endorses (e.g. remembering birthdays, as opposed to something obscure) strengthens the ploy by providing significant external validation, and helps prevent the man from seeing through it. This-all doesn't happen consciously, of course. I had a girlfriend for whom I forgot her birthday once, and she would bring it up years later still during arguments etc. (Some might argue that women are more inclined to use emotional forms of control to compensate for their lack of physical strength ... I don't know about that though.)

If a woman is like this early in a relationship, I'd take is as a 'red flag'. I will never again date someone like this --- it also means she has zero perspective about what's important in life.

I've also noticed sometimes a woman I've only just met will try 'doghouse' control ploys on me.

I suppose in some cases it could also just be a "shit test", as they call it (google that - but roughly speaking, testing how easily you'll allow yourself to be manipulated by her).

As for me, I would probably feel a tiny bit upset if someone close like my gf forgot my birthday, but I'd have forgotten about it by the next day. It's nice if people remember my birthday but frankly I'm not bothered if they forget. It doesn't mean they don't care about me, that would be a silly inference. Why should I make it a pain to be my friend by demanding my friends remember and blowing up if they forget? And anyway, these days so many people only remember because things like Facebook remind them. I don't celebrate my birthday anyway, frankly I don't need more reminders about how short life is and how rapidly the sand runs through the hourglass.

I knew what day it was on, I just didn't that that day was That day

I have a terrible time with that, too. I'm great with names, not so much with dates. A typical conversation about this from my side:

"Yeah, of course I remembered, it's on the nineteenth...no, no, I'm positive, it's a Thursday, too...wait, what's today?...crap."

Long shot— Does anyone here remember the piano vamp that precedes Greggary Peccary's exciting new invention?

Not really a fan of Zappa

"Women take it super-personally if a guy doesn't remember their birthday and make a big to-do about it -- even if it's a guy they haven't been dating for very long."

What a massive, evidence-free generalization!

There are people of both genders who get way too excited about their birthdays way past the time for which that level of excitement is appropriate (say, 11). It is certainly possible that more of these people are women. But it is in no way accurate to suggest that all women fall into that category, or that no men do. This seems to be a real risk of deliberate contrarianism when it comes to the very real achievements of the feminist movement - forgetting that actual sexism is a bad thing, for both social and scientific reasons.

I get boatloads of letters from women who are offended that a guy has forgotten their birthday.

Yours is a biased sample, though. It's not so much "women" as "women inclined to write to you." And some of them are deeply odd.

I only date chicks born on 21 October, my birthday, so it's easier to remember. Kinda limiting, of course. Call me, libras!

I totally don't mind if my birthday isn't acknowledged, although I suppose it's easy for me to say that when I have a spouse who always remembers to tell me "Happy Birthday." Frankly, sometimes I forget what day of the month/week it is, and this year my husband had to tell me "Happy anniversary!" before I remembered, oh, it's our anniversary! Oops. So, yeah, a present is totally not required. The only time in recent history that I made a big squeeful deal over my birthday was when the X-Men movie was being released on my actual birthday, and, well, my husband was only too happy to accommodate me by going to see it with me.

I do make a special effort to do nice things for him on his birthday-- baking him a special cake, taking him out to dinner, or to a movie if anything good is playing. To me, it's more important that I remember to acknowledge his than that he remembers mine, mainly because he ALWAYS does, whereas for me, the act of remembering is more of an effort!

I suppose birthdays in general are low-key affairs in our family. Even our child doesn't get bent out of shape with expectation and entitlement. We get him a gift or three, take him out to a restaurant for a special meal, and if there's a party, it's usually in the park where we spend the afternoon flying kites with a couple of friends or family members.

I think that many people (men and women) like to celebrate birthdays, and some do not. I do think that there is a gender difference for those who do like to celebrate.

Women tend to see the day as confirmation of their value. If the man in their life forgets, this then means that he doesn't love her (instead of just being forgetful.)

On the other hand, most men who like to celebrate their Bday use it as an excuse to goof off. If it is forgotten then we can use it as a free pass to goof off on the day of our choosing. Of course there will be many other goof off days during the year, but a birthday, being a sanctioned goof off day, means that we don't have to beg for forgiveness at the end of the day ... bonus!

Dave Barry once wrote (addressing men and women alike - maybe): "There comes a time when you should stop expecting people to make a big fuss about your birthday. That time is age eleven."

Funny, of course, but I think it should be less strict. Maybe age 20 at the most? After that, only blood relatives and significant others should even have to CALL you on that day - and PRESENTS should be given only by S.O.s and one's children. We all have too much stuff (and wasted time) anyway.

Random memory: An old Peter Arno cartoon showed a 100-year-old man at a big party, sitting behind a flaming cake and grousing "never mind the damned cake! Where are the reporters?"

While dating a woman with a child, I neglected to get her a present for Mother's Day and got chastised for that! She's not *my* mother so what gives?!?

My bf said something about he should get me something for mother's day (my kids are from a previous marriage, so they're not even his kids) and I said something like, "I'm not your mom" and that was the end of that.

As far as birthdays, I'm not much into big flashy crap but just a simple little acknowledgement - flowers, going for a couple of beers - is nice. If someone wants to get me something not too over the top, that's nice, but I don't want people to feel like they have to buy me expensive gifts or I'll be upset - that's not very meaningful. I find outlandish displays embarrassing anyway.

New Year's Eve birthday. It's the holiday season, and everyone except for close family forgets, which is fine. I actually now play a game where I subtract a year off my age for every close friend or family member that forgets to email/call. Last year, I was 22, which I remind my husband makes it so much less icky when I oogle Robert Pattinson.
I think Dave Barry summed it up best when he wrote that you reach a point in life where you must stop expecting people to care about your birthday. That age is 12.

I like celebrating my birthdays. Not as much as I used to, but I do. However, it is a self-esteem issue. That happens when you're the picked-on outcast at school. My bullies are long since gone in the past, but every now and then I need a blunt "We like you" from my friends.

I got my coffee this morning and ask the girl behind the counter how her birthday party went since she and her friend that works there were planning it last week when I went through. She teared up. Almost started crying. She said no one had planned the party - she wasn't going to plan her own party - and none of her friends had stepped forward to plan it. So she just stayed at home alone.

I thought it was ridicules....

"I only date chicks born on 21 October, my birthday, so it's easier to remember. Kinda limiting, of course. Call me, libras!"

You're in luck! That's my best (and single) friend's birthday! LOL.

Much strange behavior is associated with a lack of certainty. The most insecure and controlling women want a simple test for whether their man really likes or loves them. She picks up on a cultural theme, that a man who forgets her birthday or doesn't present a big enough gift is probably lying to her about his feelings. In this case, the best gift is the one requiring the most effort, preferably hours planning something expensive.

This search for certainty is a relationship killer. It doesn't stop with birthdays, and it extends into all gifts and favors, which are judged according to whether they are good enough to support the relationship that the woman dreams of.

A man should test this attitude by intentionally forgetting a birthday or suggesting a celebration on a more convenient date. He will quickly find out if his girlfriend is constantly thinking about whether he is sincere, preferably before marrying that girlfriend.

A good relationship is based on flexibility and fun, not tests. Birthdays should be an excuse to have a good time, not a tense experience wondering if the gift is good enough. I suggest finding presents together, and celebrating quarterly birthdays to have more occasions to have fun.

We forgot my Dad's birthday a couple times growing up, and his feelings were hurt.

I find the best thing to do is to mention that my birthday is coming up.

My husband and I have birthdays exactly one month apart, so it's actually quite easy to remember. And he's always been very on top of remembering. However, the time is long gone where we make a big deal out of one another's birthdays. And I can honestly say that if he forgot to say "happy birthday" on the day, I probably wouldn't even notice. Hell, *I've* forgotten on the day itself. Our consistent devotion to one another is a gift in itself, year round. (D'awww...)

We also don't make a thing of anyone else's birthday (apart from our parents) because we're not made of money and can't be "equal" in buying gifts for everybody. I actually made a deal with my brothers/step-sister: "Look, you guys have too many kids. I'm not buying them stuff for their birthdays, and I don't expect any gifts from you at Christmas or birthdays either, deal?" It's worked fine for us.

I'd like to share my dating methodology:

Don't date anyone between mid-October & March 1st. Why? Because there's the Halloween expenses, the Thanksgiving expenses, getting her Xmas presents (and I have NO idea about Hanukkhah gift giving), New Years Eve expenses, Valentines Day expenses-and to make matters worse, the odds are at almost 50% that she'll have a birthday in those 6 months (almost) somewhere too!

Then when May rolls around you've got Mother's Day gifts-there's a month there, so pretty much one can only date in March, April, June, July, August, & Sept. if she's got kids-and September's a wash as school starts & she's gonna be stressed about THAT!

Then if she's got kids you've got to get her kids birthday presents or you look like an insensitive moron...

Alternatively one can simply remove onesself from the dating pool and avoid the inevitable disappointment & pent up retaliation left over from ghosts of boyfriends/relationships past.

Adam Bein - Halloween expenses? Ok, not a big holiday here in Australia but what expenses would that involve even if it was?

Alternatively one can simply remove onesself from the dating pool and avoid the inevitable disappointment & pent up retaliation left over from ghosts of boyfriends/relationships past.

Or you could remove yourself from the breeding pool entirely. Good idea.