Feng Fooey
Feng shui idiocy tucked into a piece on how more and more couples are sleeping in separate beds. Bruce Feiler, who I otherwise respect for his Council of Dads idea, writes (rather ripely) for The New York Times about "four steps to restoring honor and dignity to the American bed" (oh, gag me), and includes this nitwittery:
2. Declutter it. Feng shui masters say that adjusting the environs around a bed can bring couples closer. Time to admit you're not going to read those books gathering dust on your night stand or order things from those catalogs from before the recession. To improve harmony, Steven Post, a feng shui consultant in San Francisco, recommends wrapping the legs of your bed in red (the color of romance and prosperity) or draping a red cloth over the line that separates the two box springs under a king mattress.
Next, put on some red shoes, close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say, "Take me back to Kansas!" (Or "Fuck me, Delores!" -- whichever suits your fancy at the moment.)
Finally, on a bedding note, do you sleep in the same bed with your partner (or with strangers you pick up at bars nightly...don't want to discriminate or anything), or do you sleep separately, and why...and how does this affect your life, sleep, and anything else of interest?
We alternate-sometimes separate beds and sometimes the same bed. We each have our own rooms. We both like our space, I am a night owl and he's an early bird. It works for us.
LL at July 24, 2010 2:40 AM
I make it a practice to sleep separate from humankind entirely. Even though that conflicts with my practice of the Ancient African-American art of Funk Shway. We down, we down, un hunh, un hunh...
BlogDog at July 24, 2010 5:24 AM
My husband and I sleep in the same bed because we relish the closeness it affords us. However, I sleep wrapped around a long pillow because it's the only way I sleep comfortably.
On a side note regarding clutter, and books on the nightstand: while my nightstand is crammed with my bedside lamp, alarm clock, glasses, and jewelry box, these items are routinely buried under a pile of books, one of which I will be guaranteed daily to read before bed; I'm a voracious reader.
So, my response to that item would be: screw you and your decluttering ways! Some of us do actually read the giant pile of books!
Meg at July 24, 2010 5:51 AM
Husband and I sleep separately, and I hate it. We used to spoon together but I've always been a light sleeper and he snores more now. It's in everybody's interest for me to get good sleep because it only takes about three nights of fractured sleep for my judgement to become impaired. I miss the closeness of clinging to him like a tick all night (especially in winter) but now I have fun stalking him for sex. Before it was more of a bedtime routine.
Mary Q Contrary at July 24, 2010 6:12 AM
People are always looking for something new and magical that will transform their lives.
Because of this attitude there is always plenty of BS to sell to people knowing that a certain segment of the population can't wait to lap it up.
David M. at July 24, 2010 6:19 AM
We sleep together in a king sized bed. I like my space when sleeping. I am not a cuddler or a spooner. Sometimes we sleep in separate beds if one of us really needs some good sleep.
My mom and stepdad sleep in separate beds in the same room, and sometimes in separate rooms. He snores unbelievably. Their marriage seems fine.
momof4 at July 24, 2010 6:23 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/07/24/feng_fooey.html#comment-1736053">comment from Megroutinely buried under a pile of books, one of which I will be guaranteed daily to read before bed;
Books are on the nightstand AND often, in the bed. I have to clear them away before Gregg gets in -- along with all the clothes on his side of the bed. When I was sick for a few months with my weird no voice cold and writing in bed next to the vaporizer, half my bed looked like stock day at a bookstore.
Amy Alkon at July 24, 2010 6:41 AM
The two of us, a pomeranian and a golden retriever all in a king sized bed. I believe in the "famiy bed." Luckily, the golden gets down on the floor much of the night.
lovelysoul at July 24, 2010 6:42 AM
Its been a few years since I've shared my bed and while I wasn't much of a snuggler, I do miss reaching over in my sleep for that someone next to me when I was feeling a little frisky in the middle of the night.
Kristen at July 24, 2010 7:25 AM
Wife and I and three snoring pugs sleep in a Queen sized bed. We refer to the pugs as "birth control."
Richard T at July 24, 2010 7:26 AM
Husband and I in king bed for the last 11 years. I know it makes me sound like a weak little girl, but I sleep better with him beside me because I feel safe.
We do, however, have what we call the "3 beer rule". He snores like a chainsaw after three beers, and so on those rare occasions when he does drink that many, he goes driectly to the guest bed.
A final rule, not to stir the pot, is that our boys (8 and 5) are absoluteley not allowed in our bed. Ever. If they are sick, or have a bad dream, we go sit at the end of their bed until they fall back asleep.
UW Girl at July 24, 2010 7:37 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2010/07/24/feng_fooey.html#comment-1736067">comment from Richard TMy three-pound dog snores like a fat old man.
Amy Alkon at July 24, 2010 7:38 AM
Little known fact: "feng shui" is Chinese for "con artist."
Walter Moore at July 24, 2010 8:17 AM
My favorite feng shui boondoggle: feng shui for the monkey house at the L.A. zoos. I'm not making this up.
And after the City spent millions on the money house, the Chinese decided not to rent us their monkeys after all.
I'm thinking it's time to lease it to a reality show.
Anyhow, here's a news story from last summer re feng shui for the monkey house, etc:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,525900,00.html
Walter Moore at July 24, 2010 8:32 AM
When She Who Films and I are together, we sleep in the same bed. But we each have our own houses, and spend a few nights each week sleeping in our respective properties. At that point, I sleep in my own bed, I presume she sleeps in her's.
Or she might hit the couch, but that would be strange.
Steve Daniels at July 24, 2010 8:39 AM
Without buying into feng shui nonsense, clutter around the bed can certainly make a difference. The piles on my side drive my wife nuts.
However, that's not why we sleep separately. If she sleeps in our bed, one of our dogs gets up there with us. In the middle of the night, she (the dog) plants herself at my wife's feet and starts nudging herself toward the head of the bed. In the morning, my wife awakes all scrunched up, and her back hurts.
We can't just put the dog out of the room and close the door; she barks until we let her in.
I prefer it this way anyhow. I have a hard time falling asleep unless I read in bed first, while my wife needs the room pitch dark.
Without going into detail, I'll just say this doesn't affect our sex life.
Rex Little at July 24, 2010 9:27 AM
personally, I think sleeping in the same bed is highly overrated. even when I've been in a relationship, I like my space, my covers, no snoring etc. and I don't need the "comfort" of a warm body next to me, although I know many, many people who do.
my body suffices quite nicely and I don't have to share the remote!
Jacquie T. at July 24, 2010 9:35 AM
Hubby and I sleep happily in the same bed, and my sleeping with a long body pillow and 4 other pillows placed at strategic angles has caused no issues other than the occasional good-natured ribbing about my sleeping on "Mount Pillow." :-) Mary Q Contrary, have you and your husband considered going to a doctor to see if hubby's snoring is the result of sleep apnea, which can be quite dangerous?
DorianTB at July 24, 2010 9:40 AM
I've told my fiance "I'm not the easiest girl to sleep with." I roll myself up in the covers then throw them on the floor. I sleep on my side with one knee pulled halfway up to my chest. I flop sides about four times before I figure out where I want to sleep and I like to leave the radio or TV on. I stack books on the bed stand, the bed, and the floor. Despite this we still share a bed most of the time. When I get stressed out or sick I much prefer to rack out on the couch - even if he's on a trip.
Feng shui can make some pretty room arrangements, but that's about it.
Elle at July 24, 2010 10:22 AM
Husband and I sleep in the same king bed. I do have a perfectly nice guest room with a queen bed that I should probably use when his snoring keeps me up.
I have a little pile of books and magazines under my bedside table.
ahw at July 24, 2010 12:09 PM
Snuggling w/hubby before I fall asleep is one of the things that makes life worth living. I love getting all cuddly and falling asleep with his arms around me or my head on his chest. There are few greater pleasures in life.
However, if I'm sick or toss and turn too much, I lug myself out to the couch to give him some peace.
There are only a few compromises we had to make to make it work (no TV in the bedroom for me, no music to fall asleep to for him). And we have some of our best conversations once the lights turn out and we get settled.
cornerdemon at July 24, 2010 12:39 PM
DorianTB, my dude has seen an ENT doc, but is dragging his feet on the turbinate reduction surgery he needs. I wish he would just do it because as you say, there is some apnea there and I think he'd get a much better sleep if he breathed better.
Mary Q Contrary at July 24, 2010 2:35 PM
I also think sleeping together for couples may be highly over rated. I do sleep in the same bed as my husband of 29 years. The snoring does not generally bother me and he does it a lot less when his weight is down rather than up. However I think too much closeness can be an intimacy killer. At my age I would just as soon have my own bathroom and my own bedroom as I believe that it would keep the intimacy a little fresher and more interesting. If you keep very different schedules sleeping together can also be off putting. I find myself short of sleep which makes me really grouchy as I need about 7 and a half hours of sleep a night and my husband rarely needs more than 5-6. He tends to come to bed later than I do and get up earlier so I lose on both ends. If I am working full time which I am not right now, I need to sleep in a spare room just to get enough z's.
Isabel1130 at July 24, 2010 3:00 PM
We sorta share the same bed. She sleeps in the exact, mathmatically precise center of the bed and I sleep perched on the very edge, looking down at the shoes. This isn't my preference; it's just how we've done things for the last forty-five years. I think in the beginning there must have been some sort of punishment/reward process going on, to teach me how to do it, but damned if I can recall just what that might have been.
Walt at July 24, 2010 5:25 PM
We definitely sleep together in the king-sized bed, but only because I use a couple of fans (summer and winter) to cover the slight whine of the CPAP machine, which in turns keeps him from either snoring or suffocating. The CPAP whine threatened to turn me murderous and I had to sleep on the couch a couple of nights until I figured out what to do about it (I am cursed with excellent hearing).
So, sharing the bed is wonderful (we're cuddlers up until time to actually sleep), but I do NOT like to share: a car, a bathroom, a closet, the kitchen. He's messy, I'm controlling. Not likely to change, so we make our compromises.
gharkness at July 24, 2010 6:51 PM
MaryQ, tell him to get the roto-rooter over and done with. Just like getting a car tuned up, esp. getting those turbs drained is very helpful for most people. It may/may not help with the snores, but it does help with general breathing, and even, yes, taste. Mine were so bad I didn't breathe much through my nose, so food tasted different, than it does after. Much better now. Also, could never use a CPAP, esp. because of my normal allergies, so...
Just tell him to get it done and over. It may not fix anything, but make everything a bit better.
So that's the good part.
The bad part is that my bed is entirely too frelling big.
But, like most rules of thumb? One thumb up/one down. You have to decide if you like the proximity, because some people just DON'T. You can't just say it's better or not.
SwissArmyD at July 24, 2010 10:03 PM
So basically the advice comes down to "Don't have a messy room, and decorate a bit".
Sounds good to me!!!
NicoleK at July 25, 2010 5:41 AM
My boyfriend and I don't live together, but we go back & forth on the weekends and sleep together then.
If we had to sleep in the same room all the time, though, I think we'd end up with separate bedrooms.
We both just sleep better if we get to hog the bed, and my cat gets pretty darned annoyed when he's at my house, because he "sleeps on her side". LOL
Ann at July 25, 2010 4:05 PM
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