"Shit Guys Do"
My pal Tom Matlack at The Good Men Project posted a piece I really liked, asking men across the country to name their favorite "guy ritual":
Franco may have hit upon the most consummate male ritual--reading a newspaper on the toilet. When I dared bring this up to friends at a recent social gathering, I had no idea it would cause such an uproar.A woman who works in the personal wealth division of a multinational bank had some choice words about male coworkers who disappeared with the office's communal Wall Street Journal. "The guys grab it, disappear, and then bring the damn thing back twenty minutes later!" she said. "It's supposed to be for clients. Why don't you just scream at the top of your lungs, 'Hey everybody, I'm going to take a crap now!'"
The women were of one mind: this behavior is disgusting and highly unethical, made worse by occasionally leaving the toilet seat up. The guys at the party stood behind our man James Franco and the bankers looking for a few moments of peace and quiet.
Fortunately, most of the "guy rituals" below are not poop-related.
A few excerpts:
"Watching very tough soldiers say 'I love you' to one another before rolling outside the wire in Iraq."
--Michael Kamber, photojournalist"Rolling around in the grass like a dog with my dog."
--Tom Jones, waiter"Washing my piece of shit car."
--Michael Carter, landscaper"There is nothing like working on the crew, outdoors, on the first warm day of spring. The guys all bust balls all day, you give each other shit to pass the time. Everybody gives, everybody gets. Nothing serious, we bust each other's balls and bust on the world at large. It's the blue collar way. We are all in it together, getting through, bitching about things. All winter with the heavy clothes, you can never get fully warm, then suddenly you are down to your t-shirt by 10, muscles stretched out, flowing, building, putting up walls. Done, wrapped up at 3, take at look at what you put up, what you built, feels good. Cold beer by 3:45, on the front porch chillin. That is being a man."
--Don Foote, general contractor"My fake answer would be watching sports with my buds. My honest answer would be masturbation. Which one do you want?"
--Anonymous*
Comments
I like that new site, thanks for finding it
And a good list
Laughing at farts seems to be one too. Every guy I know laughs at farts, every time. It's not just a sometimes-funny, it's always funny.
MeganNJ at July 27, 2010 6:38 AM
I find the paper thing gross too. I really don't want to be touching a paper that was within a foot of some dudes poo. I mean really, I could think of much better places for relaxation and entertainment than the bathroom. Why does it take them so long to push it out? Women are done in 15 seconds!
momof4 at July 27, 2010 6:41 AM
I like the comment by Don Foote, general contractor.
After grad school I was a university teacher, but held enough laboring jobs before and during college (took one year off to pay back loans) to know exactly what he is talking about. Then in grad school, to take a break from the books, I waived my fellowship for one summer session and had one last hurrah. I supported myself doing construction.
Different kind of camaraderie from study groups and sherry parties, but just as enjoyable.
And the work itself felt good, like Foote says. Hot, sweaty, and tiring, but good.
Axman at July 27, 2010 7:02 AM
Since men only truly need 2 things.. food and sex....
Thus my "guy ritual" is eating and seducing my wife... or is it seducing my wife then eating.. or is it eating my wife to seduce her.... yes that's it.
That way I can read the paper in the john and leave the seat up and she doesn't mind... even the slightest.
Sheridan at July 27, 2010 7:34 AM
Sheridan nailed it
Mbruce at July 27, 2010 8:00 AM
Why does it take them so long to push it out? Women are done in 15 seconds!
Women good, men bad.
MeganNJ at July 27, 2010 8:10 AM
Did I say that Megan?
momof4 at July 27, 2010 8:19 AM
Sheridan, that would totally be my husbands answer.
And fart jokes. He's a 38 year old, well educated, intelligent man. Yet farts are still funny to him and all his other male friends somehow.
Swearing at the tv and talking shit about eachother during football games seems to be another one. The more men, the louder the swearing and the more shit they talk.
Sabrina at July 27, 2010 8:26 AM
I was in a relationship where my girlfriend perceived opening the newspaper as a sign that she should ask me a question every 30 seconds. Perhaps taking the paper into the bathroom is one way we can read in peace.
Steamer at July 27, 2010 8:28 AM
I agree with you momof4, taking the paper into the toilet is gross. I wouldn't touch it afterwards, thats for sure.
I don't care if you take some of your own reading material in, but the communal things should be off limits.
Angie at July 27, 2010 8:51 AM
Why does it take them so long to push it out? Women are done in 15 seconds!
Well, in the immortal words of Curly (City Slickers): I crap bigger than you!
I R A Darth Aggie at July 27, 2010 9:34 AM
Here's a fun experiment: put a few drops of food coloring into your toilet bowl. Place a sheet of gift-wrap tissue (like you put in gift bags) stretched taut across the top of the bowl. Flush the toilet. You will NEVER breathe in public restrooms again, I promise you, once you see how much stuff goes into the air from the bowl.
momof4 at July 27, 2010 9:35 AM
Pissing off women.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at July 27, 2010 9:48 AM
What's amazing is that they bring the paper back. At our office we just leave it in there for the next guy ... conveniently draping each section over the rails in the handicap stall.
One of the best times for my smartphone is in the bathroom. I can read a book, play a game, surf the web, reply to email, etc. Some guys even make and take calls on their phone in the lavatory. So the next time your on the phone with some dude, it's probably not a brass band that your hearing in the background.
AllenS at July 27, 2010 9:50 AM
"Why does it take them so long to push it out? Women are done in 15 seconds!
Women good, men bad"
Touchy much? It's the equivalent of a guy saying "Why does a woman take 3 hours to buy a pair of jeans when a guy can do it in 15 minutes?" A very true comment, and hardly the implies "men good, women bad."
Shannon at July 27, 2010 9:54 AM
The shit guys do:
They do things by themselves.
They don't need a group of other guys to go buy shoes, to go down to the tavern and enjoy a cold one, to go down to Denny's to eat breakfast, etc.
One of the respondents on that website mentioned how they love going to the movies by themselves. Man, so do I, yes. I have a job of wierd and variable hours. That means I can catch a weekday matinee. Saves a $1.50 on the ticket, and have the theater almost to myself. Hell, to me, is going to the movies on Friday or Saturday nights.
I realize that there are men out there who don't really like doing things by themselves. However, probably even a rarer thing in the world is the woman that likes to do things by themselves. (Except for gardening, that is the one thing women really seem to enjoy in their solitude.)
David Crawford at July 27, 2010 9:54 AM
we go far away from everyone else, and be.
and yeah, sometimes it's in the 'loo with the WSJ... sometimes it 20 miles down a washboard dirt road, where when the dust settles, you can hear your heart beat.
As an aside? Women, if a guy EVER takes you down that dirt road and leans on his fender and says nothing, you better believe you are exactly where he is. So don't say anything, just be right there with him.
SwissArmyD at July 27, 2010 10:16 AM
Just bored, what's your excuse
I do read in the bathroom though
"Why does a woman take 3 hours to buy a pair of jeans when a guy can do it in 15 minutes?"
I've wondered that too - Maybe if they went up a size, it wouldn't take 3 hours
MeganNJ at July 27, 2010 10:17 AM
"Women are done in 15 seconds!"
No woman in the history of the WORLD was ever in and out of a bathroom in 15 seconds. I know, I've stood around waiting for enough of them.
And yes, farts are funny. Always.
Steve H at July 27, 2010 10:35 AM
If, while driving down any road, I see a can or plastic bottle ahead I have to drive over it to hear the very satisfying "crunch" or "splunk". Extra points if the wind is pushing the can around the road and I have to adjust my heading on the fly. Two wives and multiple girlfriends have witnessed this happen and they all rolled their eyes......
roadgeek at July 27, 2010 11:30 AM
The shit guys do:
They do things by themselves.
Yes. "Guys' Night Out" is fun once in a blue moon though.
Guy rituals? Besides the lavatory literature (guilty), mowing lawns, which I haven't done in ages. I actually miss it.
lsomber at July 27, 2010 11:40 AM
Why does it take them so long to push it out? Women are done in 15 seconds!
I asked my husband this once. He said, "Because we enjoy it." Fair enough.
MonicaP at July 27, 2010 11:53 AM
Mine would be: Fish tank cleaning (usually alone and drunk), Reloading and cleaning (Usually two of us after the range obviously stone cold sober)
Range Time (again 2 or more stone cold sober).
Taking communal paper into the shitter is just wrong. You will be handling that paper after you wipe your ass but before you wash your hands. Taking personal reading material a completely different story.
vlad at July 27, 2010 12:45 PM
I recommend any of Uncle John's Bathroom Readers. We have a few up at deer camp. Always a *hit.
Juliana at July 27, 2010 2:18 PM
I love going to the movies by myself. My idea of heaven is a night alone in a hotel. Might have something to do with the complete and utter lack of peace in my house for the next 18 years or so. I do take 3 hours shopping with friends for jeans, though. I really need to know if my ass looks big. You'd be surprised what the right (or wrong) pair of jeans can do!
momof4 at July 27, 2010 3:12 PM
"Fart"crosses gender lines. When my daughter first heard the word, she laughed hysterically, and then when I told her what it meant she could not stop .
Mbruce at July 27, 2010 3:45 PM
Picking my nose. Usually, blowing is just not as effective or efficient. I'm in good company, as Jerry Seinfeld reminds us Moses was a picker.
Al at July 27, 2010 4:44 PM
Seen in British bathrooms:
Jim P. at July 27, 2010 6:37 PM
I must be the wrong gender.
I'm currently teaching my 2 year old toddler how to make fart noises with his armpits.
Kendra at July 28, 2010 5:06 AM
Playing poker. You talk all kinds of mad shit, bust peoples' kahoneys, embellish stories. It rocks!
David M. at July 28, 2010 6:21 AM
Here ya go....
http://verydemotivational.com/2010/07/27/demotivational-posters-pffftt/#comments
Juliana at July 28, 2010 6:49 AM
Here ya go....
http://verydemotivational.com/2010/07/27/demotivational-posters-pffftt/#comments
Posted by: Juliana at July 28, 2010 6:49 AM
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Good One! Lol.
David M. at July 28, 2010 7:00 AM
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