Not to be a kill joy here, but if a woman responds to a super romantic gesture (which is a very superficial thing) when there are fundamental problems with the relationship, isn't that a big mistake? I believe that most men and women should get at least two chances to screw up a basically good relationship and a heart felt apology should get you forgiveness, but I am the kind of women that finds an overly romantic display by a man, as corny at best, off putting, personally embarrassing and emasculating at worst. Isabel

Amen, sister! I was just coming in here to say that it's the LITTLE things, every day, that make a relationship. If you screw it up to the point where you even NEED to make a grand gesture, it's too little, too late buddy.

For example, my boyfriend called last night while on a business trip to see how my interview had gone. Not emailed, not asked on Facebook. CALLED.

That one's a keeper, for more reasons than that. :)

Personally, I liked John Cusack's way of winning Minnie Driver back in Grosse Point Blank.

(along with showing that he understands where he went wrong, and showing remorse)

This is the important part. The gesture is a neon sign saying, "Hey! Pay attention to this! I really mean it!"

Agree with Ann and Isabel.

There is a great book out there on this. I think its called "Love Her Back to You" or something like that. Its essential premise is that any guy who has lost his girl can get her back with a simple 3-step formula: 1. Start with a simple declaration of your love for her and your intention to win her back, 2. follow-up with a series of positive interactions/dates with her at whatever pace she will allow, and 3. once she's back, don't revert to the same dickish things you did to drive her away.

I can tell you from personal experience that #1 alone once caused a girl I was trying to win back to break up with her then-boyfriend in anticipation of us getting back together.

I then proceeded to completely fuck up numbers 2 and 3, but that's another story.

Pricklypear- IIRC, her dad liked it too.

oh, mercy, you have to be careful with this. For some people the grand gesture becomes the new baseline, and anything less won't cut it...

So the first question is about the soul search. Why did you end it to start, and what makes you think you are wrong about ending it? If you were wrong, the remorse takes care of itself, because you realize you were wrong. In any case Snakeman is pretty well on with this, but a lot of it has to do with starting from square one. You may be winning her back, but you need to treat it like winning her first.

Except now she is skeptical, maybe even hostile. Do enough to make her feel you were wrong, and she may think about it. But don't wallow, don't go too far. It won't sound real, or it will sound like you are blubbering. even if you feel like blubbering, don't. You need to gain her trust and respect again, not make her embarressed for you.

Long, long after you are back together, THEN make the grand gesture, the one that shows how deep and wide is your love.

Really? I would find that psycho. I don't have much time in my life for men who don't know what they want, so pretty much if you broke up with me, we'd be done. There are plenty of fish in the sea, why waste time on one who did you wrong?

Having kids now, of course I can't just be done with the relationship, but that's a whole different ballgame than a girlfriend.

Can't say I'm familiar with strategies for this one.

Always just said that if you lose one you just go out and find another.

Be forgiving of small failings, avoid people with huge vile ones, and look for traits you like, then enjoy the chase again.

"Many or most women love extravagant romantic gestures from their boyfriends and husbands."

Many or most men have a list of extravagant gestures they want their woman to make. You can find examples of such gestures all over the internet. (Be careful of viruses!)

Oddly, such desires are not entertained too often by the gals, and even more oddly, lots of gals respond with anger and upset when shown examples of performers executing such extravagant gestures.

Gestures?

Well, I know well Amy's dislike for Valentine's Day silliness and is commercial hype, but the one my lady will always remember was not getting flowers at work - but coming back home from work to find a glowing heart apparently hovering in midair in the front yard.

But sometimes, gestures large and small fail. Even a life of dedication can fail. Be careful what you invest in these things.

a guy who got freaked out and broke up with his girlfriend

He needs to examine the reason why he freaked out. Freaking out was probably an over-reaction to some event. But that doesn't mean that the trigger(s) should be ignored. In many cases, the instinctual reaction is the correct one.

Unless it was completely harmless, in which case he should probably leave things alone and figure out why he went off the deepend over nothing.

After that, if he still wants her back, he needs to be honest with her. "This is what happened. This is why I flipped out. This is what I learned along the way."

And say something about his life being better with her in it than without.

I'm a big fan of "Gee, I'm sorry, I was having issues and I realize I made a mistake." Or "I did something that was wrong and hurt you and I'd really appreciate the chance to make it up." Honesty and following through with the actions that say "I want to be in this relationship. I value you." I'd take that any day over a man standing under my window playing some stupid song.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
Notes --> easyopinions.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-book-list.html#Marriages
Book --> amazon.com/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-Yours/dp/0684802414/ref=sr_1_5?
Author --> John Gottman

Gottman learned in school many reasons why couples bonded or separated and decided to check it out. He couldn't verify anything, and decided that the conventional wisdom was only a guess. Gottman now bases his recommendations on his direct observation of couples in his lab, where they spend 3 days being videotaped (but not in the bathroom or bed).

He was able to make a 90% correct prediction of which couples would break up within the next 3 years, based on how attentive the couples were to each other, how many "bids" for attention or help were received rather than ignored by their partner. The rule seems to be that the couple will break up if they ignore more than 1 out of 7 requests for a response. Other things were less important.

- -
Great relationships are based on tolerance and flexibility. The opposite is called "structured". At the extreme, it is called "borderline personality".

( Borderline --> easyopinions.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-book-list.html#Eggshells )

For example, a structured woman will demand that her birthday be celebrated on her birthday and at the right restaurant, no exceptions. The weekend is not good enough. If you feel that your intended partner cares more about meeting a romantic definition, rather than enjoying life with you, then run quickly away.

Screw the romantic bit. If he wants her back, he should SHOW remorse, and make AMENDS.

THEN: if she still says no - start dating other women, right in front of her. Let her know by gentle communication (emails, FB, whatever - prolly not by phone - too much could go wrong there) that you really DON'T want to move on, but that since she's not into you, you're gonna try to move on.

Trust me, when she starts seeing you all spiffed out on dates / at parties/ at work flirting etc with other women - you'll get a sheepish communique' about wanting to get together for coffee or something to see if your relationship can be salvaged.

Note: DON'T bring anything romantic to the meet-up. No flower or anything. You still want to seem confused & unsure. It would be a nice gesture to pick up the tab tho.

If she says come back:

THEN you can get all romantic (make up sex and all that.)

Good luck.

I won back a girlfriend not too terribly long ago. She dumped me one day after a racquetball game because she wanted to "date other people." I still liked her and wanted to keep the relationship going. So I did, though not with any sweeping gestures.

I simply stayed friends with her and included her in things I was doing (and would have been doing anyway). We went on casual pseudo-dates, shot pool, had drinks or dinner, hiked, country danced, etc. About three months later I invited her, as part of a small group, to opening day for the local pro baseball team. After the game was over and the group dispersed, she told me she'd reconsidered, that she had way more fun with me than anyone she knew, and felt like an idiot for dumping me.

Naturally, I took her up on her offer to get back together, and things were actually better than they'd been before the "break." And I didn't even need Peter Gabriel.

All right first of all it's "In YOUR Eyes."

Pedantry aside, I hate Lloyd Dobler. I WAS Lloyd Dobler, V1.0, and then he had to go and screw it all up. I'm not incredibly handsome, but I'm funny, clever, sincere and romantic; then Turbo-Cusack V2.0 stole my game. And then you ladies moved on to the Don Johnson Miami Vice looking guys and us grungy Seattle types were left out in the rain. I never recovered, and ended up marrying a girl I met on a church retreat. How lame am I?

In my defense, in fact in all guys' defense, how many of you ladies are really Diane Court -- A brain, "trapped in the body of a gameshow hostess?" Well maybe Amy qualifies... but the rest of you? Give up on the big romantic gesture. Settle for remembering to put the seat down. Lloyd's not coming.

Lastly, you are remembering the movie wrong -- Diane broke up with Lloyd. He couldn't let go. "I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen." His big romantic gesture (which would get him a restraining order these days) is not met with immediate romantic reciprocation. It's only later, when the things Diane thought she could count on turned out to be illusory that she calls on Lloyd. That's when he gets, "Everything else means nothing to me. If I hurt you again, I'll die." This was a movie about an honest, decent guy whose fidelity to his mission was not enough to keep the girl. It was not about the big gesture and the big romantic moment that won her back -- it was that he was the only constant touchstone she had left. And he took her back like the little lost puppy he is. That's why I hate Lloyd Dobler.

Are you kidding me? I've never heard of a guy doing a romantic gesture EVER in real life. About the most romantic I ever got was one ex giving me stuffed animals that he won at his crap job (oddly enough, not a carnival) for VD.

That's why people like the movies: it's not real.

"I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen."

One of my most favorite movie lines, evah! And thanks for the laugh, John.

I'm with Izzy on this one too, but if he were to try to win her back, he should be sincere and he should be humble "Hey, I was a complete ass. It won't happen again, will you forgive me?". Or something like that. But I still think he should really try to sort out what made him freak out in the first place BEFORE he does that, so he can be sincere when he says it won't happen again. Then just keep doing the next right thing - doesn't have to be expensive, creative or unique, just actions done consistently that are kind and sincere.

HIs girlfriend doesn't need to know why - or hear any excuses, but he really should figure it out for himself.

(PS. I still think this movie scene rocks - one of my favorites).

er, Jen, perhaps you need to swap up to better guys. Most guys I know do gestures, though sometimes their S.O,'s miss them.

I still believe in the romantic gesture, even though for the last 7 years my ex has been giving them all back to me, becuase she thinks they will hurt... as if she just suddenly found the stuff I wrote, or photographs I took, or whatever.

And yeah, John, I hear you on Lloyd. Sometimes I hate him too.

I guess it depends on why they broke up in the first place.

Cheating, stealing, lying, there are some things you just don't even WANT to forgive, and in your own best interest really shouldn't.

But some kind of less malign, jerky behavior, say. A sincere apology, followed by eliminating or changing that behavior, yes. It doesn't take anything too flowery. Flowery doesn't exactly hurt, though. It certainly makes the forgiveness feel better.

"In my defense, in fact in all guys' defense, how many of you ladies are really Diane Court -- A brain, "trapped in the body of a gameshow hostess?" Well maybe Amy qualifies... but the rest of you? Give up on the big romantic gesture. Settle for remembering to put the seat down. Lloyd's not coming."

I daresay most of the ladies on this blog wouldn't be here if they didn't have a brain, and though I haven't seen pictures, I suspect some are pretty hot too. Never encourage anyone to settle just because you did.

> About the most romantic I ever got was one ex giving me stuffed animals that he won at his crap job (oddly enough, not a carnival) for VD.

Stuffed animals in exchange for a venereal disease?

Seems like a fair trade to me!

If it were me, I would have called the cops.

Yep, I'm with Kendra-- I'd call the cops. Likewise for the Big Romantic Gestures that guy in the band in another Cameron Crowe film, "Singles," was pulling out-- hello, restraining order! :)

In rl, that shit is just creepy.

In a word, no. If I dumped her, I don't want her back. I want her gone. I don't do things for no reason, so I've had no regrets here.

Wanting someone who doesn't want you is another story. It probably happens to most people.

You get over it, if you live long enough to die of old age. Or petrification sets in. Or maybe Alzheimers.

I then proceeded to completely fuck up numbers 2 and 3, but that's another story.

Snakeman, I'm good at numbers 1 and 2, it's the third that always gets me. Not that I'm an asshole, I'm just hard to live with sometimes, and I don't seem to be good at changing that. So don't worry, we all fuck up sometimes...

Another item about "Say Anything" is that Lloyd and Diane didn't really break up over anything bad. She was going through a tough time and didn't want to both pursue a relationship and deal with with father's problems at the same time. Neither one expected the conversation to end with them breaking up, but it did, and Lloyd was stunned.

This would be an instance in which a grand romantic gesture would have some effect, but most relationships don't break up without a major fight coming before it. That's the difference here.

"Women get a lot of their ideas about what romance should be from movies."

Sadly, that seems to be true. That leaves a lot of real men shaking their heads and wondering why so many women have absolutely no idea what love actually means.