Dr. Rosemond doesn't approve of co-sleeping even for infants - and neither do many others, simply because the adult might roll over onto the infant.

However, it REALLY should be common sense that older kids do not belong in their parents' beds - even when we're talking about a single mother and her daughter. As Rosemond says, even single parents can and should put their adult lives first if they don't want their kids to think they're the center of EVERYBODY's universe, and separate beds are a strong way to communicate that.

Also, as he said, marriage vows say "till death do us part" not "till children do us part." Which is why wives - and husbands - who ignore that warning will quickly find their spouses have become nothing but roommates - and maybe not even that, for much longer.

After my brother's divorce, my SIL and her 10-year-old son would sleep in the same bed. I am certain there was nothing sexual about their relationship, but it was still disturbing how physically needy they had both become.

Our child shared our bed until she was 2.5, now that she is five we find that a few nights a week one of us will slip into her bed for the night or bring her into our bed. Not having to get up in the night to breastfeed her meant that I got a much better nights sleep. Our daughter never cried at night and is a great sleeper.

Sharing our bed was such a wonderful experience no-one could ever convince me that it was the wrong thing to do. Having your baby sleep in your arms is such a special feeling.

I have no idea if co-sleeping has had any benefits other than that special warm feeling we share as a family. Our daughter is gifted intellectually, and artistically, she is confident, caring, a leader and makes friends easily. I imagine she would have been all of those things regardless of sleeping arrangements
as, clearly, some of those traits are genetic.

We are not a 'new agey' kind of family, we don't read the latest literature on child rearing. We do what feels right for us and for her. I trust western medicine a hell of a lot more than alternative medicine - vaccinate for fuck's sake. Humans managed to raise kids for thousands of years without how-to books and I cannot help but notice that people who spend too much time relying on how-to books tend to be a bit screwed up and flighty (or flaky). There is also the fact that what one 'expert' says now (and what do they base their OPINION on?) is often shown to be bunk the next year. Case in point, Dr. Spock, parents followed his advice only to have him recant it years later (and how many babies died because of it?).

As for intimacy, well, neither of us was concerned that a sleeping infant would be bothered by our activities but we also had a second bedroom that we would visit when we started to feel a little awkward when she got older.

Since the beginning of time babies have slept with their parents and that never stopped parents from being intimate. In today's climate I imagine that it would stop many couples from feeling comfortable having sex when their baby is in their bed and that is too bad for them, but then they are the kind of people who are probably a bit uncomfortable with their sexuality anyway.

I was the only mom I knew who was well rested in the mornings and my baby was the only one who slept in so late that when we were waking up for the day the other babies were already having their first or second nap of the day.

Wome hwo swear by co-sleeping think it's the best thing since sliced bread... guys will say that too, when their wives are around. Talk to them alone and they worry about all sorts of things... ESPECIALLY that they will hurt the kid. Afterall, men are generally bigger than women, sometimes by a lot, and so they are MUCH bigger than a baby.

For the first couple of weeks after the kids is born? It's prolly fine to just lay down with the wife and kid, till they are asleep, and then move to the couch or other place... Then there is a point to putting the kid in a bassinet next to the bed. Take steps to keeps thing moving forward, till the kid is sleeping in their own room.

The problem seems to arise when there is no progression.

Two week's ago my friend's cousin and her husband woke up from co-sleeping with their infant, to find the baby strangled between the headboard and mattress and dead. Co-sleeping is dangerous. Putting the baby in a basinette by you bed is another thing and not what people mean by "co-sleeping."

Of course, my grandmother was raised in a two bedroom house with her two parents and 11 brothers and sisters, so not only was there plenty of co-sleeping going on, but plenty of sex too.

Okay, meaning that the baby benefits from synchronizing breathing.

From my experiences with other parents I felt that many of the parents that were co-sleepers seemed to be warmer personalities and be closer with their kids. That was usually both parents, not just the mom. I didn't co-sleep with my kids because I was raised to believe that a child should never be in the parents bed and followed my the direction of my parents. As my children got a little older and would have a nightmare or trouble sleeping, I'd let them come into my bed more out of sheer exhaustion. It didn't happen often but I look back and know that if I could do it over again, I wouldn't be so strict about keeping my kids out of my bed. My parents weren't warm people and I think sometimes that their co-sleep rules had more to do with being emotionally distant people than with feeling it was best for us kids.

SwissArmyD,
We slept with me between baby and my husband. That way he could relax in his sleep without worrying about the baby. We thought that it could be that a woman would be more aware of the baby.

You can believe what you want to believe about the man just saying something to appease the wife but that is a good way to ruin a relationship. If my husband feels something differently then I do he says so. How else can a couple work together to keep their relationship together? My husband loves cuddling our daughter as much as I do, do you really think that men don't love their children as much as women? That is bullshit. If my husband did not love co-sleeping he would not talk about (on his own initiative) how much he misses her in our bed and how glad he is that we had her there, he also would not go sleep in her bed because he misses her.

Lesley, your anecdote is horrifying. Parents who choose to have their baby in their bed have to consider every possible scenerio and work to ensure it does not happen. We removed our headboard because we thought a baby could get their head stuck in it. We also secured our blankets at waist height so that they would not interfere with baby. I slept without a shirt on because i did not even want to chance a nightie getting in the way - and, of coarse, it made breastfeeding in my sleep oh so easy. I also strategically placed pillows around and between my legs so that I could not roll over. It sounds like sleeping was a hassle but it was not at all. I slept very well, from what I gather from hearing other parents talk and who did not co-sleep, we slept better than most. We did not have to get up several times a night to deal with a crying baby.

Has no one not yet inveted a baby sized inset that can be dropped on a bed with side walls firm enough to keep a person from causlly rolling over the kid and strong enough to prevent it from deforming if pushed against the head board?

On a totally unrelated topic, I just finished reading the book 'Bad Science' by Ben Goldacre. I recommend this book to Amy and the regulars on this site. Ben Goldacre is a UK physician who writes a weekly science column in The Guardian. In the book he talks about alternative and big pharma and how people and the media misinterpret or misrepresent studies.

Here is a link to one chapter of his book that is on his website
http://www.badscience.net/2009/04/matthias-rath-steal-this-chapter/

Here is a link to an article in the New York Times about the book
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/02/science/02scibks.html

If the adult is large (greater than 150#, a very heavy sleeper, or under the influence of drugs or ethanol, co-sleeping with a very small infant is a very bad idea. Particularly in a soft, western style bed. If you sleep ona tatami mat, that may be one thing. But the correlation of being large, drunk, and in bed with a baby is a bad thing.

In a large medical examiners' office, we would see a frank overlay once a quarter, and SIDS cannot be ruled out if there is co sleeping.

After two kids, I've read a lot on this subject, and I am very anti-co-sleeping, personally. Both my kids were in their cribs, in their rooms from the day they came home from the hospital. And yes, I had to drag myself down the hall at 2 am to feed them. Oh well. I felt, and still feel that our bedroom (my husband's and mine) is just that: OURS. I share the kitchen, living room, bathrooms, car...pretty much every other space with my kids. That room is off limits to everyone but me and him.
And my kids were sleeping through the night at 8 weeks, and are very health and happy.
The fact is that we still aren't certain about what causes SIDS. However, if it makes parents more comfortable to co-sleep with their infants in a SAFE manner, then they should do it.
After they are sleeping independently through the night, though, it's time to stop.
And people who sleep with their 7 year old kids? It's like the women who insist on breastfeeding their 4 year old. Just gross.

Ingrid, where did I say this? "do you really think that men don't love their children as much as women? "

Now I'm the one to call bullsh*t. What does co-sleeping have to do with love?

I'm glad you have such a solid relationship with your sidekick. I am sure there are plenty of couples out there that feel the same. I KNOW there are also plenty of couples out there where the wife is SURE how her husband feels about something, because she told him so. If it doesn't really matter to him, he cuts his losses, but that doesn't mean he agrees.

Lujlp... the insert defeats the purpose, because co-sleeping is about physical contact... though, you might make your first million selling such a thing.

The bottom-bottom line is, how big is your bed, and is there enough room for another whole person in it? The baby necessarily has to take up some room to make sure there is space around them. And mama has to be there to feed the kid... and oh.
Hmmm, well who isn't actually needed?

It's the couch for you, boyo.

I have spoken to many other fathers over the years who had this co-sleeping arrangement... One's wife had a fabu idea of having a bed in the kids rom, so she'd feed the kid, maybe lay with her a bit, and then put her back in the crib, and go back to bed. Where there was a furnace man keeping the bed warm. Another, who was skinny as a rail, with a wife that was petite, theirs worked out in a califonia king bed. All the other guys lost their rights to sleep in their own bed. The luckiest ones that only lasted for 6mo or so. Unluckly ones? Well, after a year there's a trial period where he and she have to get used to sleeping with someone again... and it was up and down... depending if the kid wanted back in because they had a bad dream or what not.

And then? she gets preggers with the second kid, and the whole thing starts again.

Some guys just never get their mate back... they're just room-mates to a mother and their children.

Swiss, I'm curious, because I think so much of what you're saying comes down to mismatched expectations about parenthood: Did your friends who have had these bad co-sleeping experiences talk about this kind of stuff with their wives before the kids were born? Did the wives initially say "hell, no" on the co-sleeping, then change their minds?

I'm anti cosleeping, though I don't doubt the breathing regulation benefit. I personally know two people who have lost babies in the ladt six months due to crushing or suffocating baby im bed while cosleeping and working at a hospital, it is common for infants to come in with broken or dislocated limbs due to a cosleeping accident. It's just not that safe. I do not plan to cosleep when this baby is born but I do plan to use a bassinet in the room on my side of the bed until baby sleeps more consistently through the night (hoping this happens within a few months). That way thete is not the worry that SO or I will hurt the baby in bed. Also worth noting is that several companies make something called a cosleeper that fits right to the edge of your bed for baby to sleep in and is open to your bed with the exception of a little guardrail type thing to keep them from falling out or getting trapped between there and the bed.

My SIL insisting on cosleeping with her son against my brother's wishes so she refused to sleep in the same room with him or have sex with him for being an asshole. She continued sleeping with the kid until he was over eight years old. The worst part is that when my brother complained about it she would threaten to leave him, sue him for lots of child support and alimony, and refuse to let him see his son. As you can probably guess, they got divorced but the interesting part is that my brother got awarded full custody and child support and SIL is only allowed supervised visitation once a month because the court suspected sexual abuse based on the extended cosleeping arrangement.

This is not the first time I've read that co-sleeping can reduce instances of SIDS (from certain causes such as sleep apnea).

I am not sure whether the "rolling onto the baby" happens with regularity or if it's just a fear. People in poorer countries sleep with their babies and I don't think I've read about it happening more (when I read about it at all). Though I'm sure there is insufficient data to draw many conclusions.

SwissArmyD,
I did do you an injustice and I apologize. What stuck in my head was the statement that men lie about wanting to co-sleep but missed the part about it being because they worry about hurting the baby. I was hurt that anyone would think that men don't have a deep desire to bond with their children. That will teach me to rush when I comment.

We've had five co-sleeping deaths in my county within the last year. This is statistically way beyond the norm. I saw the last one come in to the PICU, and I don't care to ever see that again. Tragic does not BEGIN to describe that waking nightmare.

There was no co-sleeping involving my kids, but I can attest to the fact that a mom (or father for that matter) that turns their complete attention to the kids and away from their husband is very dangerous to the marriage.

The marital relationship completely dissolved and she was very unapologetic about it. Sometimes even saying, "My kids will always come first." She didn't want to go out anymore, she became envious of stay at home mom's and took it out on me that she continued to work (even though only part time!). Any disagreement on raising the children, I was wrong... at first, then I became the enemy... It just slid further and further downhill from there, ending in divorce.

My kids are teens now and it drives them NUTS that she will not give them any space and is constantly trying to be their best friend. Helicopter mom extraordinaire. They're really coming to resent her. Makes me sad for them that they can't have a great relationship with their Mom, but what can I do about it?

The marriage needs to come first people!

Ingrid, not to worry. It's just that there are many ways to bond. My 10 year old still asks me to singe her to sleep, once in a while... because when either one of them were fussier than their mom could deal with, I was the one who paced and sang to them.

Um, dunno MonicaP... we're all in our 40's or so [the youngest being 36] and I don't think it occurred to any of us to ask about the "co-sleeping" thing. I hadn't heard of it more than some vague thing that in the olden days people did it. When my [ex]wife started talking about it the decision had already been made from her perspective... but I wasn't raised that way, and neither was she. I'm not recalling that any of my friends wive's came from cultures where this is commonly done... and I have tons of other friends that didn't do it. I'm thinkin' this was sprung on those guys whole, and they just dealt with it as best they could.