The "Epidemic" Of Bullying
Is there really such a thing? The Obama admin calls bullying an "epidemic" and a "pandemic." At DC Scotus Examiner, Hans Bader, Counsel at the Competitive Enterprise Institute, writes, per Justice Dept. studies, that bullying has actually gone down.
Bader notes that the Associated Press noted a "sharp drop" in the percentage of kids being bullied beaten up by their peers, and a New York Times story called the panic over bullying by girls "a hoax." Bader writes:
If bullying has gone down, how can it be a pandemic? By broadening the definition of bullying to include speech and vague power relationships.The anti-bullying website nobully.com defines even "eye rolling" as bullying, so if you roll your eyes at a bully, you yourself can be accused of "bullying." Its ridiculously-broad definition has been adopted by schools like Fox Hill and Alvarado Elementary, which define "eye rolling" and "staring" as "bullying." As a small middle-schooler, I rolled my eyes at bullies. A recent survey defined bullying to include "the use of one's . . . popularity to . . . embarrass another person on purpose."
A student can even be deemed guilty of "bullying" for not inviting a hostile classmate to her birthday party, since social "exclusion" is considered bullying (even though forcing children to invite unwanted guests to their birthday party can violate their right to free association). As a bullying victim noted in response to an article about such broad anti-bullying policies, "as someone who was frequently bullied as a youth, this policy would have required me to invite my own bullies to my birthday party. That sounds exceedingly miserable."
Forty-five states "have laws requiring public schools to adopt anti-bullying policies," but there's no federal law against bullying, in general. That hasn't stopped the Obama administration from trying to federalize anti-bullying policy. Its StopBullying.gov website defines "teasing" as a form of "bullying," and "rude" or "hurtful" "text messages" as "cyberbullying." Since "creating web sites" that "make fun of others" also is deemed "cyberbullying," conservative websites that poke fun at the president are presumably guilty of cyberbullying under this strange definition. (Law professors like UCLA's Eugene Volokh have criticized bills by liberal lawmakers like Congresswoman Linda Sanchez (D-Calif.) that would ban some criticism of politicians as cyberbullying.)
School bullying can only violate existing federal law if it involves racial or sexual harassment. Moreover, harassment by students violates federal law only if it's condoned by school officials, and is severe and pervasive. In its 1999 decision in Davis v. Monroe County Board of Education, the Supreme Court ruled that schools can be sued "only where they are deliberately indifferent to sexual harassment, of which they have actual knowledge, that is so severe, pervasive, and objectively offensive that it can be said to deprive the victims of access to the educational opportunities or benefits provided by the school." As it emphasized, "Damages are not available for simple acts of teasing and name-calling," nor are they available for even "severe one-on-one peer harassment" if it occurs just a "single" time.
Boy, does this hit the nail on the head. My 7 year old boy came home a few weeks ago crying, telling us how he was bullied incessantly at school. The bullying was actually two of the girls at his art table refusing to share some of the markers.
I swear to God, the school counselor and principal actually got involved, with a parent conference. The problem is these kids are constantly being shown films in class and at home (Dr Phil did a series my wife thought he had to see). We tell them that there are monsters everywhere, and of course their brains interpret all unusual behaviors as being monsterous.
Eric at November 17, 2011 8:41 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/11/17/the_epidemic_of.html#comment-2772500">comment from EricWow, not sharing markers is now "bullying"? Amazing. And you're right on the monsters remark.
Amy Alkon at November 17, 2011 8:49 AM
"A student can even be deemed guilty of "bullying" for not inviting a hostile classmate to her birthday party, since social "exclusion" is considered bullying...
Even NORTH KOREA doesn't try to dictate who kids invite to their birthday parties, as long as everyone sings the praises of Dear Leader before they sing Happy Birthday. How do people born & raised in a free country come up with things like this?
Martin at November 17, 2011 8:53 AM
What's also interesting Amy is he is in the Boy Scouts, where respect and discpline are the main focus, and the kids all (8 in his den) started the year like feral cats and now we can take them anywhere and they will be on their best behavior. They all belong to a team, and know that the team is only as strong as it's weakest link. I guess it's the difference between rainsing a victim and raising a socialized individual.
Eric at November 17, 2011 9:13 AM
I have to admit to being on the stupid end of the stick when it comes to deciphering children's behavior. I recently took over raising my 13-year old nephew, and having no children (nor the intent to ever have any) this is entirely new to me.
He seems pretty popular, as kids are knocking on the door daily wanting to play. But there have been some incidents that I just don't know what to do with. Most recently, he mentioned that some kids at school are calling him names, such as gay. He is very theatrical, has shoulder-length black hair, and paints his nails purple. We live in a very conservative pocket of Washington state. I don't know whether I need to address it to the school or not. I don't know what to say to him. I don't even know if he's struggling with issues of sexual-orientation or not. I never felt like I had the IQ of a carrot until I took on a parenting role.
Meloni at November 17, 2011 10:10 AM
I get bullied every time i smoke a cigar in public. Not very effectively, but they try.
Storm Saxon's Gall Bladder at November 17, 2011 10:23 AM
I think these extra things only apply if they are included in a pattern of behavior. Like there's nothing wrong with santa sitting a kid on his lap. But once he starts showering with them, we see a pattern of behavior.
the Strawboss at November 17, 2011 10:30 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/11/17/the_epidemic_of.html#comment-2772638">comment from MeloniMeloni, your last remark is very moving.
Find out how persistent the name-calling is and whether it's affecting him emotionally or whether he blows it off. Draw him out on what's happening and maybe do it by discussing an incident where you were bullied and how you felt, so it won't feel like an interrogation.
It also might be helpful for you to find him some group where he can belong/fit in (for me, it was my temple youth group. I just kept mum that I was an atheist because these kids were really my only friends). Maybe you enroll him in after-school drama -- if that's what he's interested in.
Also, if the bullying is persistent and damaging, go to the principal; do not go to the kids' parents. This per Don Olweus, an authority on bullying I respect.
Amy Alkon at November 17, 2011 10:42 AM
The Obama admin calls bullying an "epidemic" and a "pandemic." = Diversionary tactics.
It will always be something, this time it's bullying and the administration is going to save us.
In the interim, bend over and grab your ankles because we are screwing you over everywhere else - so put ALL you focus on bullying and shut up.
That's my take.
venicementor at November 17, 2011 10:48 AM
Pandemic? Hyperbole much?
Oh wait, if it's a pandemic, it's too big for mere mortals. We need the government to combat it. I've got it now.
The political left often accuses the political right of using terrorism or crime as a scare tactic, playing on people's fear of violence to extend government control into their lives.
In its zeal to castigate its political adversaries, the political left pointedly ignores its own use of scare tactics to extend its own control into people's lives: exaggerating the effect of Medicare and Social Security cuts to play on people's fears of dying alone or subsisting on cat food in their old age, using intrusive antidiscrimination and anti-bullying policies to play on people's fears of being shut out socially and economically (and the fear of their kids not fitting in socially).
Bullying is a serious issue, but it consists of inflicting violence, isolation, humiliataion, and/or verbal abuse on people unable to defend themselves or escape.
Eye-rolling, bad mouthing, and social exclusion are not bullying; in most cases, those thing are the normal jockeying for social position that kids experience as they grow up and learn who they really are (if they ever do).
Kids are cliquish and are afraid of falling down a rung on the social ladder, being mostly unsure of how they attained the rung they have. Sometimes the teaser is more socially confused than the teased.
We don't need the government dictating our kids' behavior and encouraging them to report other kids for "bullying." How long until we go from that to spying on their parents?
==============================
If your kid is obnoxious or socially inept, it ain't bullying if the other kids don't want to hang out with him.
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Kids are afraid to lag the herd; predators pick off outliers. They're also afraid to hang out with the social laggards lest they be tarred. By the same token, they're also afraid of those who aren't afraid to stand out.
Maybe not so much struggling with issues as sorting out his own identity.
He could be going through a goth phase. If so, get ready for some really bad music and even worse poetry.
Conan the Grammarian at November 17, 2011 10:49 AM
Eye rolling?
Damn. I thought I had a happy marriage. Turns out I've been bullying my husband for years...
UW Girl at November 17, 2011 11:01 AM
Eye-rolling is one of the Four Horsemen.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at November 17, 2011 11:33 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/11/17/the_epidemic_of.html#comment-2772717">comment from Crid [CridComment at gmail]Eye-rolling is the birthright of the sullen 13-year-old.
Amy Alkon at November 17, 2011 11:34 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/11/17/the_epidemic_of.html#comment-2772722">comment from Amy AlkonAnd Crid is talking about the work of John Gottman. Wrote about it (contempt - one of the "four horsemen") here:
http://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2010/02/less-is-amour.html
Amy Alkon at November 17, 2011 11:36 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/11/17/the_epidemic_of.html#comment-2772724">comment from Amy AlkonFrom this excellent book by John Gottman that I'd recommend to anyone getting married or interested in staying married: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Amy Alkon at November 17, 2011 11:37 AM
One of your comments just reminded of a situation with my youngest child, who is now 38. When he was around ten or eleven, the "flavor of the week" regarding daily stirring up in the press, was child abuse.
I grounded him for something, can't remember what it was, but he had audacity to say me he was going to report me to the police for child abuse - he was going tell them I physically hurt him - Needles to say, I told him to come close so I could beat him, in order for him to make the report accurate LOL
venicementor at November 17, 2011 11:45 AM
Meloni, I'm going to ditto Conan. (Especially on the bad poetry bit ~_^). I'd say the best thing to do is teach your nephew confidence. Give him a few sassy retorts to spit back at them if he's the kind to speak up, and then tell him that middle and high school will be over in a few short years, and after that, no one is going to care. I also wouldn't dig too deep regarding the nail polish and hair. I work with kids, and one thing I find is that kids of this generation are way more into experimenting with looks and fashion than mine (and mine was the generation that really got deep into goth!).
As for the "bullying epidemic", it's hyperbole. It's been going on for decades, as Conan also said above, it's normal social jockeying. I was a kid bullied by "social exclusion", and even I wouldn't call it something to legislate against. A year in college cured me of 70% of all that damage. My best advice is to teach kids over and over and over again that this does not last forever ("it gets better"). That once you're out of that toxic social setting, nobody gives a good goddamn. Make sure they have a group to hang out with that they can mesh with (like Amy's temple or my comic book geek chums), and teach them confidence (that's the hard part!), and then just monitor it to make sure it doesn't get serious (ie: that kid's mother bullying your kid on Facebook).
I wish nowadays that I could go back in time and give my younger self a solid helping of the confidence and self-reliancy to tell everyone to go fuck themselves. It would've made everything so much easier. Sadly, I was a shy, nervous type of kid and doomed to just freeze in any sort of confrontation.
cornerdemon at November 17, 2011 12:39 PM
Yesterday I read about a 10-year-old girl hanging herself, apparently because of bullying and namecalling.
Where is this level of despair coming from?
I was the youngest and shyest kid in my class. I was also apparently a fat, four-eyed, tattletale teacher's pet crybaby. Those are the ones I can remember.
Oh, there was confusion, depression, fear, all those things that make childhood so special. I wasn't suicidal,(because suicide was instant damnation and things were bad enough, thank you) but I really did want God to kill me before I turned eighteen, because They kept telling me these were the best years of my life!
Hint: Don't tell your kids that. These days,they may well do something drastic before they find out it's bullshit.
Pricklypear at November 17, 2011 12:56 PM
Forgot to mention: the one time I went to a teacher about it, she told me to stop being such a baby. Eventually, I did.
Pricklypear at November 17, 2011 1:05 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/11/17/the_epidemic_of.html#comment-2772833">comment from PricklypearI was tormented, seriously tormented, by other kids, and had not one friend until I was in my teens. It was terrible and lonely and I spent all my time alone reading books. I didn't think of killing myself -- I would have been too scared of feeling physical pain -- but I wish I had some inkling that my life would change.
Amy Alkon at November 17, 2011 1:07 PM
I was bullied pretty badly when I moved to a new school. Didn't know how to cope with it, and my parents were useless and teachers ignored it completely even when it happened in plain view in front of their eyes in class.
When I realized nobody was going to help me, I helped myself.
I got BIG. I did pushups and sit ups, I ate LOTS of MEAT, and I worked outdoors chopping and hauling wood by hand.
The next year, attempts at bullying were rare, and before I was done, they ceased to exist entirely. I never did fit in with any cliques, but I had a few relatively good friends, and I became the man I am today.
Veteran soldier, totally independent, and I have not needed anything from anyone.
I'm teaching my son to fight, so he can do so for himself when the time comes. My mother was a good woman really, and a good mother, but her biggest flaw was that she never could understand that sometimes a man has to fight. Even when he's still a boy.
Robert at November 17, 2011 1:14 PM
I believe the reason I didn't get physically bullied (much)was Daddy was a big scary cop. But I didn't tell my folks about school, I just buried myself in books and chocolate.
In High school,we were still divided mainly by alphabet, and I was still sharing classes with the same girls who tormented me in grade school. So I started hanging out with the tough girls (protective coloration)and their bad-ass relatives. They were actually very nice, compared to the 'mean girls' who would turn on each other in a heartbeat. Ever seen 'Heathers'?
Of course, then I got a new collection of titles: Tramp, Bitch, Whore... I didn't have to do a thing. By then I really didn't give a damn, but I have always been fascinated that these people spent one minute of their time speculating on what I was doing and with whom. Not to mention guys who never talked to me but had apparently 'done' me.
Ahhh, the good old days.
Pricklypear at November 17, 2011 1:44 PM
By Gum, we're the Federal Government, and we're going to do something about this, dammit! Probably we'll have to hire expensive coordinators and analysts and outside consultants and stuff too!
@Prickly: "Hint: Don't tell your kids that [about teen years being the best of their lives]. These days,they may well do something drastic before they find out it's bullshit."
I agree, and I have told my girls not to believe that. Where is the despair coming from? I don't know. Is the despair worse than it was? Are young people killing themselves more frequently than before? So many questions, most of them unanswerable.
Miss Alkon, your 1:07 comment made me sad. How can you get through to a child or an adolescent, in the agony of the present, to think that somehow, some way, things could get better?
Old RPM Daddy at November 17, 2011 2:00 PM
In a few years, violating Wheaton's Law will be a federal offense!
(Wheaton's Law = "Don't be a dick")
Dwatney at November 17, 2011 2:13 PM
"temple youth group"
This. Or drama. Or martial arts. Or animal rescue. Or fishing. Or aaaaaaanything that gives your child a social circle outside of school. You diversify your investments. Allow your children to diversify their social investments. For part of Jr. High, school was my job and youth group was my fun. I was never tormented (thankfully), but I was certainly more confident and way cooler as a result of having more friends.
@Prickly - yes to not calling anything "the best years of your life!" I was miserable in college and it was made worse because everyone is constantly telling you how great it is. Every year since college graduation has been better than the last.
snakeman99 at November 17, 2011 2:17 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2011/11/17/the_epidemic_of.html#comment-2772958">comment from snakeman99"temple youth group" This. Or drama. Or martial arts. Or animal rescue. Or fishing. Or aaaaaaanything that gives your child a social circle outside of school.
Yes. A world where they belong, so they know what it's like to belong and they know that the entire world doesn't stack up like the meanland that their in-school life is.
Good stuff, Snake.
Amy Alkon at November 17, 2011 2:39 PM
Exactly, snakeman. I did not want anything to do with classrooms ever again after graduating from high school (I skipped a lot but did manage to graduate)and did not go back to school until I was in my thirties.
Talk about a different experience. Everyone was there because they wanted to be. The instructors treated me like an equal. I even enjoyed my required talk in front of the class.(I picked 'comparable worth' as my topic and learned a lot during the research.)
------------------------------------
Old RPM Daddy, recently I read an article about the young men who won't leave home. One man/boy in his twenties summed it up by saying "If I don't try, I can't fail".
The article was hinting that parents weren't allowing their children to be hurt in any way, which unfortunately kept them from learning how to handle the crap life hands you.
Now, I had my sisters and a brother to teach me that my own self-esteem didn't mean squat to them, so when I was shot down in school it wasn't a total surprise, and I was able to go back the next day and do it again.
I can't help but wonder if all the bolstering and support kids get these days isn't damaging them. Actually, screw that, I know damn well it's damaging them. In some cases, I'm pretty sure it's killing them. Hell, we're all damaged, but at least we survived to get to the good parts.
Pricklypear at November 17, 2011 3:03 PM
It's appears that bullying is being used as a justification to implement the same policies and prohibitions that have been proposed to combat sexual harassment, homophobia, and racism. The definitions and proscriptions are basically the same, once you substitute the terms.
Yet it's apparent that when kids face actual bullying-bullying, the school is likely to do nothing effective towards stopping it. Which causes me to suspect that all of these high minded policies are just grand standing and ass covering by school officials.
norm at November 17, 2011 3:21 PM
Thanks for the input Amy and cornerdemon I surely appreciate it, and thanks for the laugh Conan!
Meloni at November 17, 2011 4:55 PM
"He could be going through a goth phase. If so, get ready for some really bad music and even worse poetry."
Hmm. Like this guy?
And it's pretty clear you haven't heard The Cruxshadows, Ego Likeness, or The Last Dance either. Giant sound, professional production. Not whiny emo kids. Look them up in YouTube.
Are you really that much different from the bully when you look down on someone because they don't look like you or like the same things?
Radwaste at November 17, 2011 4:58 PM
How ironic that now he's going after school-aged bullying, but those Black Panthers caught intimidating voters walked away free men.
Cat at November 17, 2011 5:37 PM
OK, maybe not epidemic, but...
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at November 17, 2011 5:52 PM
Obviously you have never heard of the D.A.R.E. program. Google "d.a.r.e program turn in parents". ;-)
Jim P. at November 17, 2011 7:24 PM
Eye-rolling? Not sharing markers? Man, as someone who was genuinely bullied for years non-stop - not just insulted but literally physically beaten, pushed, spat on, head banged into desks and walls, etc. etc. you name it, literally almost every day for years, I actually find this crap a bit insulting. "It was terrible and lonely and I spent all my time alone reading books. I didn't think of killing myself" .. for me it was terrible and lonely and I did think of killing myself. Teachers all turned a blind eye, and I had no help or support at home as actually the bullying started and continued there. Actually I still suffer the consequences, don't feel safe anywhere, at 35 every day is a fight with my anger issues and bitterness, trying to build a decent family life, but I'll probably never get over it.
Lobster at November 18, 2011 2:31 AM
This reminds me of the hysteria about gay marriage that was stirred up in the election-before-last...hmmm.
I'm of two minds on the subject because, one, bullying is a big problem, and the school administration does need to step in and stop it, especially when it's physical bullying or sexual harrassment - but an administration that is in control of the school and knows what's going on will do that anyway. If they don't, that's a systemic issue with the school administration.
But, on the other hand, if your child is insulated from every conflict and every disagreeable thing, you're going to end up with a young adult who crumples any time they have to deal with adversity. I don't think teachers should be so quick to step in to resolve smaller squabbles, because you're not letting the kids develop the skills they'll need later.
There's a difference between learning to navigate social complexities and being bullied, but show me the federal law that can deal with complexities like that (and isn't using a warhead to kill a mouse) and I'll show you a very expensive bridge I have to sell.
Choika at November 18, 2011 6:08 AM
Human beings can be stupid and mean little beasts at times, particularly when young. You can't call it all bullying and stamp it out with zero tolerance type policies. Kids need to learn about adversity and social structures and strength vs. weakness, and sometimes the only way is through experiencing beastly behavior. Yes, let's teach kids civilized behavior and discipline. But if we interfere too much in natural childhood conflicts, the damage is worsened while the lessons are lost.
A couple of my most humiliating childhood memories relate to this.
In first grade, a new girl decided she was my best friend. We both decided that we hated my old best friend. We talked about how we hated her while she was standing right next to us. Once, I left my lunch box on the playground and my vilified former best friend found it and helpfully brought it back to me. Instead of thanking her, I scratched her arm and accused her of stealing it.
What a stupid, beastly and cruel thing to do. But seeing her burst into tears filled me with such remorse that I never forgot it. No adult saw, and I don't think I ever apologized. And I do think I should have been disciplined had there been an adult around. But somehow, I learned the lesson anyway, and never physically attacked another kid in my life. (Except my older brother in self-defense... ah, the joy of siblings.)
I became an outcast myself for most of second through eighth grade. The one time adults attempted an intervention just made things worse.
It was in sixth grade when I'd been crying in the bathroom because I had no friends. Somehow a couple of teachers found out, cornered me and tried to drag out of me what was wrong. I just sputtered that the other girls weren't nice to me, and they demanded names and details. We're talking girls not sitting with me in the cafeteria, snickering and such. So naturally the best solution was for the teachers to call in the popular girls and lecture them about being nice RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
Luckily, none of those girls were true bullies, or my life could have become a living hell after that. As it was I was humiliated and had tattle-tale added to my long list of social flaws. And my number of friends increased by exactly zero.
Life vastly improved when I was accepted into the public magnet school. I found myself surrounded by fellow nerds of various stripes and with extra-curricular opportunities to pursue my interests. There, I was able to make friends, develop confidence and get excited about life.
I think the best cure for misery in childhood, or any age really, is to discover and follow your interests. Sooner or later this leads to friends, inspiration and achievement. Those concerned about children should help them find activities that make them feel good, rather than trying to crush every possible source of hurt.
YTS at November 18, 2011 2:32 PM
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