A fellow walks into a bar with a ten-inch, scowling man on his shoulder. He orders a drink. The little man jumps off the shoulder, drinks a third of the drink and climbs back up. The fellow then orders a sandwich. The little man likewise devours a third of the sandwich.

After this goes on for two more drinks, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, I don't usually pry into customers' private affairs, but what the heck is it with that little guy?"

The customer replies, "Well, I found a bottle on the beach. When I uncorked it, out popped a genie. He gave me one wish. I asked for a 10-inch prick, and the Genie shrunk my lawyer!"

One fine day, a guy was out golfing and got up to the 16th hole. He teed up and cranked one. Unfortunately, it went into the woods on the side of the fairway. He went looking for his ball and came across a little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Bless Me!" said the golfer, then proceeded to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy said, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

"I can't take anything from you," The man said "I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly" and walked away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thought "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that any man would want; I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

A year passed quickly (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer was out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He hit one into the same woods and went off looking for his ball. Just as he found it, he saw the same little guy and asked how he was doing.

"I'm fine," The leprechaun said, "and might I ask how your golf game is?"

"It's great!" The golfer said, "I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responded the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiled: "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

Now the golfer looked at him a little shyly and said, "Well, maybe once or twice a month."

Floored, the leprechaun stammered, "Once or twice a month?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A man is walking in the desert on the verge of death when he comes across a shiny lamp which he proceeds to rub. Out pops a genie dressed in a polyester suit, clip tie and an IRS name tag. The IRS genie offers him three wishes which he is understandably reluctant to accept. He ignores the genie until he realizes that he better take him up on his offer or he will surely die.

The dying man asks for the most opulent spread of food and drink.

POOF! A beautiful oasis appears with the most succulent food and drink. After the man has had a bit to eat and drink and recover his senses he makes his second wish to be wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

POOF! The man is instantly sitting on an enormous pile of gold coins. The man takes some time to absorb all that was happening as the sun begins to set.

The IRS genie is becoming impatient and begins prodding the man for his final wish. Eventually the man complies and begins by telling his woes with women. His third wish is to always be close to and needed by women.

POOF! The man is turned into a tampon.

The moral of this story: You will never get anything from the IRS without strings attached.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and take a vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $50,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

The teller explains that $50,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan, and asks if Kermit has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, the teller explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "You'll never believe this one. There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 50 grand. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the fuck is this?"

The bank manager smiles knowingly and replies, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller’s window that she wished to deposit the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved.

The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president’s secretary for an appointment for the lady.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. “Was it inherited?” he asked. “No,” she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.

“I bet,” she offered. “As in horses?”. “No,” she replied, “as in people”. Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, “For instance, I’ll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square.”

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn’t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious–he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o’clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting.

“Well,” she asked, “what about our bet?” “I don’t know how to tell you this,” he said, “but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer.” The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president, thinking this not an unreasonable precaution, complied.

The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What’s wrong with him?”

She replied, “Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that at 10am today I’d have the Chase Manhattan Bank’s president’s balls in my hand.”

These are all jokes. Where's the other stuff?

(Amy will love this in a hate-it kind of way.

Too much time on your blog... Losing my identity to your security regimen. Metaphor! Metaphor!

A serving of Pirate's Booty with every post.

Well here is a video I love. He absolutely takes the reporter's comments apart and totally dismantles her. And you can tell she knows it at the end.