Check out this video on YouTube: Spandex is a privledge!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G96luYC5Z2M&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Spandy Andy is a guily pleasure.

Don't take drugs, because then things start to seem weird.

I made a few more "Don't burn the Qur'an" memes.

A brother is having sex with his sister. She says:

- How big you are! Just like father!

- Yeah, mom told me that too…

I’m so good in bed that after sex with me every woman is so powerless she falls asleep immediately!

You weakling! With me women fall asleep during sex!

A 70 years old man married a young woman, and after a year brought her to the hospital to give birth.

Doctor: That’s exceptional!

Old man: My motor is always working!

A year passed, and the old man comes once again with his pregnant wife.

Doctor: Man, you are really good!

Old man: It’s because my motor is always working!

In the third year the old man comes once again. After the birth the doctor says: You should change the oil in your motor. Your last child is black!

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not my girlfriend...yet.

Wife: "You are always pushing me around and talking behind my back."

Husband:"Dear, you are in a wheelchair."

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. "You gotta help me Doc," he says. "My wife thinks she's a piano!"

"Well, bring her in," the doctor says.

The guy says, "Are you crazy? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano?"

It gets worse. Much worse.

- Patient: "You gotta help me Doc! Last night I dreamed I was a set of curtains!"

Doctor: "Pull yourself together!"

- Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap around his hips. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

I'll stop now.

My neighbors listen to good music…

Whether they like it or not.

Today I spent some time by my wife’s grave.

She is not dead - thinks I’m digging a pond.

What’s the hardest thing about eating vegetables?

The wheelchair.

Jim P is copying these from a book or similar collection, rather than from his conversations or daily experience.

1. It's cheating.

2. They suck.

3. They're all about an developmentally elementary kind of anger and/or misogyny, i.e., they're mean.

Is is time to end the experiment?

"Jim P is copying these from a book or similar collection, rather than from his conversations or daily experience."

I'd reckon a lot of the jokes here are remembered from books and such. I know a lot of mine are. If you'd like, I'll cite sources to the extent I can remember them.

Or maybe I'll just go all Tweety-Linky on ya.

> lower than lowbrow... (and also a true story)

One of my clients called up about his invoice. Since we always joke back and forth, I said "you sound like Hitler when he got his gas bill." Dead silence, my stomach falls when he says "did I ever tell you my grandfather died in Aushwitz?" Another 10 seconds of dead silence on both ends. I'm sure I am screwed. Then he says "son-of-a-bitch got drunk one night and fell out of the guard tower."

> I'm sure I am screwed. Then he says...

Hah! NOW we're talking!

Funny, funny

Stole this from Facebook:

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9-year old living in Namibia. He has only one leg, one arm, and one eye. Each day he has to ride seven miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes, and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video--it's fucking hilarious.

Meloni calls to mind this.

So Crid, all your jokes are 100% made up by you, never uttered before? Doubt it.

How does linking to tweets count as telling jokes, again?

Crabby guy is crabby. He's not getting the attention.

Meanwhile, I got a motorcycle, but I'm not letting my wife ride it until she's 18...

...if it lasts that long.

Every paragraph of this story gave me a belly laugh...

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-05-10/biden-said-to-apologize-to-obama-for-forcing-gay-marriage-issue.html

Jim P is copying these from a book or similar collection, rather than from his conversations or daily experience. -- Crid [CridComment at gmail] at May 10, 2012 11:11 AM

Crid,

I truly enjoy your 20 freaking tweets from miscellaneous twits. I enjoy them so much I won't bother clicking on them if I hover over a link and see it is some twit spouting off.

As a matter of fact, I do copy the jokes off other websites. Usually the first one or two is one I heard in the distant past and remember the punchline, and is appropriate around the topics of the day.

As far as the claims of misogyny and such it has not been been derided for years:

Take my wife -— please. -- Henny Youngman

Women should be obscene and not heard. -- Groucho Marx

I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with. -- Rodney Dangerfield

So when you start coming up with your 100% original material, please feel free to post it. And feel free to criticize me for not being 100% original.

Lowbrow humor?

How does the Cal Tech grad count to 10?
1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111, 1000, 1001, 1010.
How does a Clemson graduate count to 10?
On his fingers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9a, 10!

Your mama?
Your mama's so fat that when she went to see Mount Rushmore, people yelled, "Down in Front!"

Your mama's so fat that when she went to the airport, TSA took six hours to pat her down. They didn't find a ham sandwich in the folds of her fat. They found a dude eatin' a ham sandwich!

Your mama's so fat that when she went for a swim in the Niagara, she plugged up the falls!

Your mama's so old... her Social Security Number is "2".

Your mama's so stupid - when she was a girl, she took binoculars to cosmetology school.

Your mama's so fat, her "tramp stamp" is an actual tramp.

> all your jokes are 100% made up by you

> He's not getting the attention.

> start coming up with your 100% original material

Be funny.

Or fun

http://imgur.com/r/pics/m7Vgs

Or fun -- Crid [CridComment at gmail] at May 10, 2012 9:51 PM

What was fun about that?

Your mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch "60 Minutes".

Once, there was a woman who did not bitch, moan, or nag. But it was long ago, and only that one time.

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before.

And finally, an original Flynne Bondolini quote:

"The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of you actions."

Thank you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled griping.

...youR actions! Dammit! youR! I can't even quote myself without f'in it up. Sheeeeeesh.

The one about the pond was funny