Anther reason to love twitter

Two blondes from Los Angeles decided to drive down to Disneyland one day. Just before they got there they turned the car around and headed back to Los Angeles, they were all bummed out. They'd seen a highway sign that said "Disneyland Left".

There once was an old pirate captain, and this captain had a son who had no ears. One day the pirate captain picked up some new crew members. As the new recruits got on board the captain told them about his son, and that he was very sensitive about the fact that he had no ears. He said that if they offended his son by saying any thing about his ears they would have to walk the plank! The new pirates were naturally nervous about meeting this boy.

Well, after a while some of the pirates met the boy. The first pirate tried not to look at him, but he couldn't handle it and kept staring. The boy yelled "What are you looking at!?" Hurried to think of an excuse, the pirate said "I was just admiring your hand! Take care of your hand, or you will have to wear a hook like me." "Thank you for the advice", said the boy.

Soon a second pirate encoutered the boy. When he stared at the boy the boy said "What are you looking at!?" "I was just admiring your leg," said the pirate. "You take care of your leg, or you will have to wear a wooden leg like me!" "Thank you for the advice," said the boy.

Later a third pirate encountered the boy and stared. When the boy said "What are you looking at!?" the pirate said "I was just admiring your eyes. You take care of your eyes or you will have to wear glasses like me... and you can't wear glasses, because you don't have any ears to hold them up!"

A very successful businessman is dating three women at the same time: a blond, a brunette and a redhead. All three are beautiful, and are successful in their own careers. One day they get together and agree: enough of having only a third of this guy -- he's got to pick one of them to marry. They mutually send him a message saying "Marry one of us or lose all of us!"

The guy thinks for a bit, then gives them a challenge: he gives each woman $100,000 and says "Come back in six months and show me what you have done with it." They accept the challenge and go their separate ways.

Six months later, he meets with each of them. He asks the blond, "What did you do with the money?"

She replies, "Well, I wanted to show you that I, too, can be financially successful. I invested the money, and doubled it in six months. Here's $200,000 -- and I am the most successful of your three girlfriends!"

He then meets with the brunette, and asks the same question. "Well," she replies, "I decided you deserve the most beautiful woman there is, so I got a tummy tuck and face lift, and paid for a personal trainer to get in better shape, and for a nutritionist to help me eat right. Now I am the most beautiful of your three girlfriends!"

He finally meets with the redhead, and asks the question again. "I wanted to show you how compassionate and loving I am, so I donated much of the money to charities, and used the rest let me to spend six months in poverty-stricken countries, helping save the lives of starving children. As you can see, I am the most loving and compassionate of your girlfriends!"

So, the question for the reader: which woman did he pick to marry?

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Well, the one with the biggest boobs, of course!

A young cowpoke and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Rumor in the pasture was that the rancher was getting a new bull. His three bulls were discussing this pending event.

"I've been here for five years and have earned my keep. I service 100 cows and won't be giving any up to some new comer." Boasts bull one.

"Well, sir, I've been here for three years and have 30 cows to keep happy. I'm doing a good job and don't need any help from outsiders." Says bull two.

Bull three chimes in, "Well, even though I'm the youngest, you have allowed me my 10 cows and I'm not gonna give any of that up now!"

About that time, up pulls an 18-wheeler, and off thunders the biggest, meanest, strongest bull the three had ever seen.

"Well, maybe 100 cows are too many. I'm getting along in years and could use some help. He can have 50 of my cows." Says bull one.

"I'm still young and want to fool around a bit. 50 cows are not worth dying over. He can have 20 of my cows." Agrees bull two.

Bull three lowers his head, starts snorting and pawing the earth like a wild demon. Bull two looks at him and says, "Are you crazy, he'll kill you and take your cows!"

"Heck, he can HAVE my cows," replies bull three, "I just want to make sure he knows that I'M A BULL!"

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Tucson theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.

The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Tucson theatre.

I take it you never been to Tucson?

Meeee-yow