Ever Broken Up With A Close Friend?
Or had one break up with you?
How did you do it or how was it done to you?
About five years ago, I got dumped by a very close friend who just disappeared on me -- which is about the cruelest thing you can do.
A face-to-face conversation, on the other hand, is icky and humiliating; I think a note or email telling the person it's over, giving some explanation that doesn't make it personal (difference in politics, different approach to life, just not "clicking" anymore) is the most compassionate way to make the break.
I'm sending out a question for my column on this subject today, and I'll have a woman on my radio show this weekend who wrote a book about friendships breaking up.
There's a lot of focus on romance and romantic breakups, but not a lot of attention paid to the breakup of friendships, which can be very painful.
1) Why dump a friend when it's much easier now to maintain casual contact and filter unwanted communication?
I have some friends who have dropped to 2 emails a year (Passover and Jewish New Year) and that's fine - they're not bad people, and we share good memories.
2) I lost and shed some friends when I moved overseas - which kinda provided its own alibi. In today's mobile society, that can often be used.
Ben David at July 17, 2012 6:51 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/07/17/ever_broken_up.html#comment-3265253">comment from Ben David1) Why dump a friend when it's much easier now to maintain casual contact and filter unwanted communication? I have some friends who have dropped to 2 emails a year
Um, when somebody's a close friend that you were hanging out with once a day -- sometimes more -- and exchanging multiple emails with daily, and you suddenly don't want them in your life, you can't just do the deep fade on them.
Amy Alkon at July 17, 2012 7:06 AM
I had a close friend that I needed a break from. Maybe for three months, maybe for three years.
I know that I'm an INTJ and a bit weird, so I asked friends for advice on how to handle it.
They all said "just become less available; later, if you want to renew things, become more available".
As a very straight-forward person, that seemed very odd to me, but I was assured by one and all that this was much better than the "Vulcan" (as a friend called it) approach of being 100% honest.
I started shortening my email responses and being too busy for lunches.
The message seemed to get through.
Maybe in another year or two I'll try to reverse it.
If I try, it may work or it may not.
TJIC at July 17, 2012 7:10 AM
There's no way to end a close personal relationship without making it personal. Our hearts are always involved in these things. Someone always feels hurt.
If you continue to respect and value the person, then some explanation is necessary. But then, if you continue to value them, why break up the friendship? I agree with Ben-David. It's far easier on both parties to just let it fade. You can do this even with intense friendships. Just stop being around so much. Talk about how busy you've been.
Cutting someone off without explanation is a sign that you think so little of them that you're not even willing to let them know why. In some situations and with some people, it's the best way to handle things. I intend to cut off two family relationships in the next few months this way. I'm going to move, change my phone number and get a PO Box. I'm completely done with these people, and I don't care how they feel about it. But I recognize this an extreme response. Most relationships can be handled with more subtlety.
MonicaP at July 17, 2012 7:14 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/07/17/ever_broken_up.html#comment-3265269">comment from MonicaPThere's no way to end a close personal relationship without making it personal.
Actually, you can say just what I recommended -- difference in politics, different approach to life, just not "clicking" anymore -- and keep it at that.
And no, you can't just let a very close friend (pretty much a best friend that you see and talk to all the time) just "fade" if you've decided that you don't want them in your life anymore.
That's the cowardly and cruel approach unless somebody's a person you simply got together for drinks with once every few months. That sort of person, yes, you can fade. Obviously.
Amy Alkon at July 17, 2012 7:22 AM
>Actually, you can say just what I recommended -- difference in politics, different approach to life, just not "clicking" anymore -- and keep it at that.
I would take this personally. For months or years you've been really tight, and now you can't be friends with me because our politics are different? It's not me, it's you? That would sound cheap if someone tried it on me. I would assume my friend was lying to me about the real reason. Detaching would hurt less.
MonicaP at July 17, 2012 7:29 AM
Wanted to add: It's entirely possible to let even close, intense relationships fade. I've had friendships go from white hot to distant but cordial to nonexistent and back again. The circumstances of people's lives change, and friendships evolve to reflect that. My friends won't be sitting at home waiting for my email. If I am more distant, they will be spending more time with other friends, and nature will take its course.
It's easy to do this: "I've been so busy I haven't had time to respond to email." Let this time between emails grow longer and longer.
"I just haven't had time to do much lately. Let's meet up sometime." Make "sometime" less frequent each time.
People really do get the hint after awhile, and they can console themselves with the idea that maybe you really did just grow apart. This also leaves room for you to grow back together later, if that's what you want.
MonicaP at July 17, 2012 7:39 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/07/17/ever_broken_up.html#comment-3265283">comment from MonicaPWhen you see someone daily and email them multiple times daily, and you've decided you no longer want them in your life, you can't just not email them back all day and have that fly.
And telling somebody it's over rather than disappearing is far kinder. Disappearing without a word causes a person to worry that something's happened to you (as I did with my former friend), and "I just don't think we really match well anymore" is reason enough. If they ask for more, you stick with that. They need to know that you want to end the friendship, and there's really no wonderful way to do that, but an excuse that doesn't say "I find you depressing to be around" (as did the person who just wrote me about this about her friend) is preferable.
Amy Alkon at July 17, 2012 7:44 AM
I had a good friend disappear on me. We both had twin girls the same age who played together, were on a nonprofit board together, and generally spent lots of time together. Shortly after her hubby acted as our realtor, she unfriended me from facebook and completely disappeared. It was during Obamacare time a few years ago, and I posted some things against it, she posted one reply disagreeing, and then poof. I assume it was either her being angry about her hubby giving us a fees discount, or her hating my politics. It would have been nice to know, at least. And I would have thought we were close enough for either of those to not be a dealbreaker.
I never brought up or talked politics or anything else like that when we were together, and I wasn't one of those people posting vitriolic political FB status's all the time. And I didn't ask her hubby for anything, he offered.
momof4 at July 17, 2012 8:39 AM
Wow. The last time something like that happened to me was when #2 was a baby. My friend called and wanted me to give her a ride to somewhere or other and I told her I couldn't, because I was really busy with the baby and had other stuff to do, I was sorry, could we get together another time? She got all pissy with me, and I haven't heard from her since. It's been almost 15 years. Truthfully, I don't miss her that much. She was still into partying until all hours, and once you have kids, you can't do that anymore. I did on a couple of occasions, when my mom babysat, but those times were (very) few and far between. I wouldn't know how to get in touch with her if I wanted to, and we were pretty close even after #1 was born. I did try finding her via the 'Net, but a lot of those "person finder" thingys want money and I'm not willing to spend it just to find someone who blew me off because I wasn't at her beck and call.
Flynne at July 17, 2012 8:42 AM
Yes. When my first book was published, my friends were all excited for me, except one person who made it clear he expected a free autographed copy. (In general, writers' friends drop the cash on a book, and the really nice ones might come to a signing.)
I blew it off as general cluelessness -- we're all clueless in our own ways -- but when I got a second email pointedly reminding me that he hadn't received a free autographed copy, I realized I'd been doing the majority of the giving/support in this friendship for a long time. I pulled the plug, told him why, and he was very resentful.
Kevin at July 17, 2012 8:54 AM
Yes, and it was abrupt and not at all on his terms.
He was a narcissist and of course that affected the friendship, but my partner and I could roll with that. But then he and another friend moved in together and he told her he was in love with ehr. Narcissists are very good at getting peopleto fall in love with them. Also, he was trying to be ex-gay. You can be ex-gay maybe but you can never become straight by some decision or force of will. Unfortunately she was on the up and up and expected like a real relationship. Pressure built until he threw her out into the hall one Sunday night at 10:00.
We went and got her and took her to our place, both of us stone cold furious. But when that lifted I was left with this strange weird, disgusted feeling. It wasn't all just loyalty to our friend, it wss also a realization that at bottom this was what it was really like with him as any kind of friend. I never spoke to him that evening, and never afterwards either.
Finally something like a year later when he was moving out of town. He called and left a mesage about getting together for a drink to say good-bye. It felt like he was just tying up loose ends so he could think we had parted as friends. I didn't return the call.
Jim at July 17, 2012 9:25 AM
I've had three deep-rooted friendships end. Two were my choice, one was the other's choice, and all were incredibly painful.
The two I ended I'd known since childhood (about 4 yo), but they became drug addicts. I don't know the science and research behind addiction, but I know that living with one sucks, and being close friends with one sucks too. Relationships with others are always second to their addiction, and an addict will do a lot to feed their hunger, including abusing the trust of loved ones.
Both friends eventually spent some time in prison, and a few years ago, one's parole officer allowed her to fly up to visit me. That was bitter-sweet, because although I was happy to see her, she still exhibited a lot of drug seeking behaviors. Also, prison really changes a person. She was so fun loving prior to prison, but afterward she had a very different view of the world. A great deal of racism and ready to kick anybody's ass for looking at her sideways. Sadly, she had a seizure and died within that year.
Another addict friend regularly used my name as an alias when she was arrested, so my name is forever connected with her meth head antics. We weren't close at that time, but it was still painful when I found out.
The third friendship was my fault. She was a woman whose primary goal in life was to become a mother. It's all she spoke about. Her first baby died at birth (the doctors wanted to terminate because she was septic, but she refused), and she literally had these shrines in her house devoted to this baby. It had been nearly 10 years and she couldn't get pregnant again, and her husband was more interested in partying than fatherhood, so she didn't think adoption would work either. I don't remember the circumstances, but something set me off and I told her to stop hanging her baby over the rest of us like the angel of death (or something like that). Obviously she hasn't spoken to me since. And yes, I know I'm an asshole. I did send her a heartfelt apology (not with the expectation of continuing our friendship, just for the pain I caused her). I'm still friends with her cousin, so I get occasional updates. Her husband has toned down on the partying and they've adopted a lovely little girl.
Meloni at July 17, 2012 9:34 AM
I was dumped 2 years ago by a college friend who had just had her first baby. I had texted her to see how her pregnancy was coming along and to see when the baby was due. It turned out that she had already had her baby two weeks ago. I was a bit surprised that I didn't find out about it right away, but I just chalked it up to having just given birth.
I got in touch with her again a few weeks later offering to help her out with errands, groceries, etc. because I know it can be an adjustment being a new mom. I don't have kids myself, but just having observed family members go through it, I can see that it takes time to transition. I never heard from her even after a few more phone calls checking in on her. Once I realized that she had totally dumped me, it sent me into a deep depression. I was unemployed at the time and that didn't help matters - I actually went to see a therapist because I couldn't understand why I was crying and so erratically emotional.
When I thought about our friendship and analyzed the situation, I realize that she had deep issues that I just didn't recognize and that she was good at masking. When we were in college and home on break, she would always want to come pick me up - she never wanted me to see her house. When her dad died, she didn't let me know until a month later. It wasn't until her wedding when I met her mom, who she thought was crazy, but was really just a devil-may-care lady.
When I moved to LA, I was never invited to her art gallery opening parties. I would introduce her to designers and she would go out of her way to befriend them so she could brag that she was friends with "so-and-so who has a cashmere collection at Barney's." She missed my wedding so she could be at a photoshoot to meet one of her favorite designers. You get the picture.
Towards the end of our 18 year friendship, she became less of a good friend, even though in the beginning of our friendship, she made me feel like I was her sister. She was a thoughtful, generous person, but I think she got really sucked into a pretentious lifestyle and I was deemed "unworthy" at some point.
Funny, just the other day I was thinking of sending her a letter letting her know how much her friendship had meant to me. A kind of "thanks for having been my friend" closure letter. But I chickened out. And it does still hurt thinking about her and writing this. (Tearing up now.)
On the flip side of the coin, I've been distancing myself from a friend who I once thought highly of. After observing her a little more closely, I've decided I don't want to set myself up for another friendship where I think someone is a good friend when the reality is that they're not. She showed the same patterns as the friend who dumped me - I haven't met her family, doesn't invite me to parties with other friends, only calls me when she needs to vent, etc. At least this time around, I'm learning.
pt at July 17, 2012 9:41 AM
I have ended a friendship of thirteen years because the person displayed a previously unseen side. A dangerous side.
I wouldn't have guessed it when I first met him. He is a devout church goer who manages to bring God in 90% of his conversations, a strict vegetarian and gym enthusiast. Then last year, when I was being treated for shingles, I casually mentioned that my medication included hydrocordone (more commonly known as Vicodin). He started asking me for some of it. I made it clear that I don't give out my prescription medication, which, for me, would have the added risk of losing my massage license. (Dispensing medication would be considered "outside the scope" of a massage therapist's expertise.)
But over the days, he persisted, asking me if I still had any (which I didn't), and getting more and more aggressive about it, even demanding it.
So, I called his cell, didn't get an answer, so I left him a message, explaining that I wasn't comfortable with his constantly pressuring me for my medication, especially when I made it clear that I don't share it. I explained that I was blocking his number and didn't want to hear from him again. I also urged him to get help with his substance abuse issues. ("Yes, if you're demanding someone else's prescription medication, you do have a substance abuse issue.")
Leaving a message over a cell may not be the most direct approach, but I was prepared to speak to him directly.
Patrick at July 17, 2012 9:41 AM
In your case Amy I would not take it too personally. "L" had some serious emotional \ self loathing issues on display here at the blog. It was funny for a while, but then it just became sad.
Eric at July 17, 2012 9:41 AM
The "just become less available" method of ending a friendship probably works well. However, if your ex-friend has even one molecule of self-regard, you will not be able to reverse it. And rightfully so.
alittlesense at July 17, 2012 10:05 AM
Very sorry about the loss of your friend, Amy.
A friend of mine from the military "unfriended" himself on my Facebook page and won't respond to any messages asking why.
I suspect I know the answer, and perhaps he was justified in being offended, but I think he handled it wrong. Some background. My friend is a nice guy, essentially, but a bit vain. (While we were in the service, he was looking to become a model for those "Undergear" catalogs. I kept it to myself, but I personally didn't think he quite had the looks and definitely not the physique to be considered for underwear modeling.)
Anyhow, he had a picture of himself on his wall standing next to a caged monkey at the zoo. So, I posted, "Nice pic, Bob, but why did they stick you in a cage? And who's the guy in the white t-shirt next to you?"
He unfriended himself and hasn't spoken to me since then. I will miss him, but perhaps I'm better off without someone who's so touchy. I can't handle walking on eggshells all the time because he's sensitive about his looks.
Patrick at July 17, 2012 10:11 AM
...I would not take it too personally.
I think this is easier said than done. Maybe you can do this for a stranger, a co-worker, a relative you don't see very often. However, a friend is a part of your personal life. Otherwise, he/she would just be an acquaintance.
Yes, you can analyze what went wrong, the signs that were missed, the moral/political/religious incompatibilities, etc. But the sentiment for a cherished friend is not something that can just be lightly forgotten.
For me, it's easier to get over a break up with a lover than it is to get over a break up with a dear friend. It's almost more socially acceptable to cry over getting dumped by someone you dated than getting dumped by a friend.
pt at July 17, 2012 10:11 AM
Eric was just trying to be consoling, PT. The person Amy is speaking about is someone us long-timers all knew. He posted here regularly.
Patrick at July 17, 2012 10:23 AM
"For months or years you've been really tight, and now you can't be friends with me because our politics are different?"
I ended a friendship because of politics fairly recently. I had a female friend who I knew had politics that were way different from mine, but I thought we could have a friendly relationship despite that. And for a while, we did.
However, one day, she posted something on her Facebook (yeah, I know) along the lines of "anyone who reads book X is an evil person who should be eliminated from the face of the Earth." (Book X is a well-known piece of political fiction, not terribly controversial, except in the minds of certain political extremists, I suppose.) I replied "hey, I read book X at an iffy time in my life, and it really improved my outlook. So I'm offended by your assertion." Her replay: "If you actually admit to having read book X, you have no right to be offended by anything, ever."
Next time I saw her, I tried to get her to explain. She denied that she had said anything hateful, and that I was being irrational for taking it personally, and that was because I believe in evil politics. It occurred to me that she never saw me as a friend, only as a potential convert or possible fellow-traveller. Cluster B behavior... fool me once, etc. Unfortunately such is our social circle that we must still run into each other frequently, but I now limit my interaction with her to the mandatory social pleasantries.
Cousin Dave at July 17, 2012 10:30 AM
I didn't realize that, Patrick. I was trying to present another side to Eric's comment, not understanding the full context amongst the regulars.
Thanks for the heads up.
pt at July 17, 2012 10:54 AM
I ended a friendship a few years back because our worldviews were just so different and incompatible. She was a former nurse (who I later found out had lost her license) with a very alternative view on healing. I was able to deflect most of it, but she was constantly on me about my anti-depressants. I know people bemoan the over-prescribing of pharmaceuticals in our country, but prior to anti-depressants, I had lived my life in a cloud (oversimplified nutshell). Afterward, it was like life actually had color. I was able to communicate more effectively, I was productive, my sleep improved, etc. I had to end the relationship. Being constantly berated for a prescription that had helped my life was torture.
On a side note, I always found it strange that people who proclaim the loudest about the importance of tolerance have often been the least tolerant people I've encountered.
Meloni at July 17, 2012 11:07 AM
I had a friend who ended our friendship with the less contact (re:no contact) approach. One week we had plans to go out for pizza and I was going to buy a book from her. She never contacted me about the plans, I tried to say hi to her on messenger and nothing. Then a few months later I saw her on messenger again and said hello. She went offline so I emailed her and said I understood she didn't want to be friends anymore but could she at least explain why. She responded that I should already know why and pulled a whole teenage tantrum. My response was to thank her for being a good friend when she was and wish her good luck in life. Still wonder what I did but meh, she showed me what kind of person she really is.
Kendra at July 17, 2012 11:55 AM
I've been on both ends of this and it is painful. I was dumped by a close friend, more like a sister. We had been having some issues. Her husband didn't like me and I stayed neutral but she always wanted to vent about him. Eventually he made her life miserable every time she wanted to get together. She didn't handle it well and took it out on me creating fights that led to a break. It wasn't fair but in hindsight I realize she didn't know how to do it. Maybe one day we'll renew but I doubt it. I want friends who have the emotional capabilities to have conversations that may even be uncomfortable.
Kristen at July 17, 2012 12:06 PM
I had a friend with whom I’d been having problems. She had some serious emotional issues and I was still her friend mostly out of pity. She was a user and I knew it, but I wanted to help her. Call me a sucker. I earned it.
She treated me really badly for a very long time. I put up with it, and figured I should be nice because she didn’t know how to be a good friend, and that I could help her. (I know—I’m an idiot.) Then I had a miscarriage.
We’d been friends for years and knew how badly I want children, so I thought she would be the one who would really be sympathetic. Instead, she blew me off. I was hurt, but I tried to say “maybe she just didn’t realize. I’ll call her tomorrow.” She blew me off then, too, saying she was really busy. I waited two weeks for her to call. She didn’t. Then I called off our regular game night “indefinitely” and she texted to find out why I didn’t want to play games anymore. I told her I couldn’t handle it, that I was having a really hard time. She didn’t respond. Weeks go by with no word from her. Then, I get a text from her out of the blue, asking how I am. I tell her I’m not really interested in talking about that with her anymore because she blew me off several times. She responds by telling me that I needed to help her move.
That was it. I called her and told her that we could not be friends anymore. I told her that she was mean to me, that she took advantage of me, and that the one time in my life I really needed her, she wasn’t there. It was awful, and very much like breaking up in a romantic relationship. I’d known for weeks that I wanted to end our friendship, and had hopes of being able to just fade, but I think it was better this way. A clean break, an explanation, and some closure for (hopefully) both of us.
The Original Kit at July 17, 2012 1:51 PM
@Patrick: "Anyhow, he had a picture of himself on his wall standing next to a caged monkey at the zoo..."
Dang Patrick! Seems to me, any guy would know that posting a picture of himself next to a monkey is tantamount to saying, "Dudes, please tease me now!" He should be glad he didn't post the picture where he was standing next to the walrus.
Regarding ending friendships: Hard to say. When I was on active duty in the pre-Internet days, comings and goings were pretty much a way of life, and through four overseas assignments over ten years, I saw a lot of them. But since I've always been kind of a loner anyway, partings, while painful, were something I got used to.
Most of my enduring friendships today are expressed over Facebook now, since we're all scattered to hell and gone these days. The only one I've considered cutting off is the one who feels compelled to post political stuff on his page, but I've found skimming past his stuff just as easy.
Old RPM Daddy at July 17, 2012 1:54 PM
On a side note, I always found it strange that people who proclaim the loudest about the importance of tolerance have often been the least tolerant people I've encountered.
Oh, man, Meloni, did you hit the nail on the head! I just remembered someone who I had been friends with, on and off, for a time, while I was married (she was really a friend of his brother's, as was her husband), and even after the divorce. She liked to think she was psychic, and for a while I dabbled with the Tarot, so she liked to think we had that in common.
Well, there was one time when she was renovating her kitchen, and she bought a new stove. The "old" one wasn't that old, and she said I could have it for $100. Cool! Or so I thought. She wanted us to come get it right then, but I told her, it's raining, BF doesn't want to get it in the rain, we'll get it next day. Well, she was having company and apparently I wasn't invited to her dinner party (and I didn't care, because all her other friends wanted for was to read their cards), but I didn't want to go to the dinner party, I just wanted the stove. So she started yelling at me over the phone, saying they were going to put it in the basement (really steep and long staircase) because they had company coming and it would be in the way, and I was trying to be calm and said, please, work with me here, you can leave it at the side of the house, it'll only take a couple of minutes to load it on the truck, and she was all, well YOU need to work with me, and if you BF doesn't want to pick it up NOW, well, I'M not the one who has to deal with him!
So we went and got the stove. And it poured, and they had wrapped it in some chinzy plastic, and sure enough, even though we bungied it, it shifted because of the wind and rain and the glasss on the oven door shattered. I sent her an email telling her what happened, and that I didn't expect her to answer it, in fact I specifically told her not to, but I tried to explain to her that her bossiness and self-righteousness would be her undoing. She could have been menopausal, I dunno. But I never heard from her again. I don't miss her. I kinda miss her hubby though, he was pretty nice throughout the whole ordeal.
Flynne at July 17, 2012 2:37 PM
Odds are the person was displaying signs of irritation and setting boundaries well before the fade or disappearance.
I know this, because I will attempt to salvage a friendship in the manner I just referred to, only to be told later that the other person had no idea I felt that way.
I no longer attempt friendships with people who don't pick up on subtleties...said friendships are always lots of work and the ending is uuuuuuugggggllllly.
deathbysnoosnoo at July 17, 2012 4:37 PM
I am currently in this situation! I woman friend of mine has shortened her availibility to me to just short responses instead of the long email exchanges we used to have and I don't know why she has chosen to do this! It's very frustrating for me because I don't know if I did something wrong or not! She isn't telling me! She has done this with another person too. I know this because she told me. Her actions seem rather childish to me. At this point I am probably going to end all contact with her because life is too short to waste time on people like her. My main delimma is that she runs a playing card group where I have some acquaintances that I like. I may leave that group but it sounds rather harsh to me to do this.
Mike at July 17, 2012 4:51 PM
This happened to me, out of the blue. Person I had known for 20 years--came to Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.. Called up one evening to tell me "I can't talk to you any more. We can't be friends." End of conversation. I"m guessing a new love interest didn't approve of opposite sex friends, but this was just crazy. And yes, you can cry over romance, but being upset about this treatment is sort of frowned upon. I was devastated and still don't understand why I didn't deserve a real conversation and explanation.
KateC at July 17, 2012 5:37 PM
> I"m guessing a new love interest didn't approve
> of opposite sex friends, but this was just crazy.
And, y'know, if your opposite sex fried said "Y'know, Katrina [or Edgar, if it was my OSF] is a kinda socially undercooked and twitchy, so I'll see you at Christmas and the picnics on the 4th," that would be easier to deal with.
But a romantic union that demands a hurtful slamdown, and gets it, may not be good for the longer term anyway.
(Unless the guy's been in love with you for twenty years and has told her in as many words but said so to you.)
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at July 17, 2012 5:55 PM
But NOT said so to you. Typoville, Pop: me.
(There is this school of thought out there that OSF-ships which don't attract the inspired enthusiasm of the spouse are actually about other forces.)
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at July 17, 2012 5:57 PM
Amy, I am so sorry. I've been a devotee of your wit and ideas for years, and I think it would be awesome to have a friend like you. I don't know what's going on with this person. And it's hard for me to understand, because I've not shared your experiences.
"hanging out with once a day -- sometimes more -- and exchanging multiple emails with daily"
I've never had a friend since second grade that I shared this much regular contact with. I don't even talk to my best friend every day, and the people in slots 2 and 3 I only catch up with once a month.
I do talk to my boyfriend almost every day, but not every. I'm kind of an introverted dog lady. Is your friend(?) experiencing some kind of change in life where she feels a need for privacy?
What brought you two to be so close in the first place? Maybe that common thing has been lost?
I hate to think it's something terrible, like an abuser.
I don't know what to say, other than I agree this totally sucks, and I wish I could help.
Pirate Jo at July 17, 2012 6:00 PM
If you have any regard left for the friend, I feel some sort of explanation is due. Quite obviously, if the friend is engaging in illegal, dangerous behavior that could harm you - then ducking out without explanation may be the best option.
But in most cases, the friendship has just run it's course. And in these situations, I feel you should explain to your friend what is going on.
When I was 25, I "broke up" with a friend that I'd had since I was 13. She was a nice person, but had married at 18, started having kids at 19, and became very right wing Christian. I was in my post college, first real job, work hard party harder phase. Each time we were together, it was uncomfortable. So one day we met for lunch and I said, "We are in two completely different places in our lives. We have nothing to talk about, and each time we are together, it's strained and awkward. Agree?" She did and we decided that maybe just a Christmas Card from now on would be enough.
Had another friend two years ago who was cheating on his wife (who I also knew). Finally told him that I just couldn't put myself in a position where I may have to lie to his wife, so our friendship had to go on hiatus.
Maybe it just comes down to personal style, but I'd rather be told to my face to go to hell than hear it third-hand.
UW Girl at July 17, 2012 6:03 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/07/17/ever_broken_up.html#comment-3265877">comment from Pirate JoThanks so much, Pirate Jo. This was five years ago, and I used the experience for the advice, and probably helped a friend a little bit by having gone through this first and experienced how rotten it is (a friend went through this as well more recently).
I have an idea of what went on, but I don't want to lay out a person's personal stuff -- even a person who was so awful to me.
Amy Alkon at July 17, 2012 6:11 PM
> Finally told him that I just couldn't put
> myself in a position where I may have to
> lie to his wife
Good girl.
> so our friendship had to go on hiatus.
That's almost a punch line!
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at July 17, 2012 6:20 PM
Yeah, I had one who distanced himself to the point of no friendship years back. In hindsight, it was my fault, I was too tactless, too crude in some ways, and insufficiently respectful of normal differences among people, so I can't blame him. Too many people blame others for things we should blame ourselves for instead.
Iconoclast at July 17, 2012 6:27 PM
I was touched at many of the stories here.
"Explanations, expositions, apologies....these are among the weakest tools in your rhetorical toolbox. Their usage is a sign of verbal mediocrity at best, incompetence at worst."
Knowing this, I stopped desiring explanations from others years ago.
If you want to truly understand other people...first understand yourself.
TheRealPeter at July 17, 2012 6:51 PM
Amy, I'm so glad you ran that letter in your column. It struck a chord with me in a roundabout, slightly off-topic kind of way. Bear with me: My hubby had what should have been a minor disagreement with a friend that suddenly and dramatically escalated into a massive pissing match. I saw the e-mails going back and forth, and the friend's reactions to all the hubby's attempts to resolve this (both by e-mail and over the phone) were so insane that we thought maybe there was something else bothering him, and suggested as much. The ranting hysterics were followed by months of silence. The friend's partner later extended an olive branch, and with his encouragement the hubby wrote and apologized to the friend. This was met with friend stating that he didn't like the way the apology was worded. Seriously.
We gave up after that, but I honestly believe that the now ex-friend was looking for an excuse to ditch us for whatever reason, and created an offense out of thin air to do it. Believe me, I would have much preferred an honest "we're moving in different directions" e-mail or even a slow fadeaway over this.
Jonny T at July 17, 2012 6:54 PM
> Explanations, expositions, apologies....these
> are among the weakest tools in your rhetorical
> toolbox.
Dunno about that. Apologies are deployed in weakness, but when sincerity is the fuel and the technique is courageous, the power is off the charts.
Deets count... e.g., don't apologize in private for public transgression; the setting should match the original as closely as possible. And don't whine about what's not possible.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at July 17, 2012 8:32 PM
I want friends who have the emotional capabilities to have conversations that may even be uncomfortable.
Posted by: Kristen at July 17, 2012 12:06 PM
Yes to the above statement.
People handle conflict differently. The people I'm close to, I'm able to clear up misunderstandings and disagreements with in a way where we can both forgive, forget and move on.
pt at July 18, 2012 8:23 AM
I've been on the receiving end of this many times. Sometimes, people would go from being nice and friendly to downright hostile overnight - for no reason I could ever figure out. That was most hurtful, because I'd known these people long enough that it was truly unexpected and I had thought if there was an issue, they'd bring it up (e.g. somebody said something about me).
I have had some friends that I simply cannot tell if they are trying to fade or if life is just seriously that crazy for them. These are often moms and often have something serious going on. However, they all remind me of one gal I knew since kindergarten. At some point in high school, she suddenly did a major cold-shoulder silent treatment thing. I realized later that I had been doing well more than half the giving in that friendship, and she only really was friendly when she wanted/needed something. That hurt, but it also took some of the burden off my shoulders as to what was happening. This experience really impacts me when other people jump in and out of my life - even if it's entirely reasonable (like, they just had twins and then their mom died).
Shannon M. Howell at July 18, 2012 9:21 AM
I dont have any friends, I have a fair number of aquantices, but no one I would call a friend. I have no tact, which people rarely appriciate, I dont care that I have no tact which pisses most people off. I dont go out of my way to offend people, but unlike most people I dsont go out of my way to avoid offending people.
Life is too short to deal with other peoples innane bullshit and mindlessly held, never questioned beliefs.
I dont mind ignoring certain things from the people I know/deal with, but I refuse to be forced into particip[ating in their mindless drama
lujlp at July 18, 2012 9:52 AM
"I have no tact, which people rarely appreciate"
I have a male friend for 20 years like that. Finally his father bitchslapped him into having some. We told him for years. Better man for it now. It's not that as a friend I don't like his harsh words or opinions, but it gets really fucking annoying. Everyone needs social grace. Love the man but glad his father finally told him he was acting like a prick and to stop it.
Purplepen at July 18, 2012 1:32 PM
Its not that I go out of my way to be a jerk, its just after 8 brushes with death and growing up in an abusive home I just dont have the capcity to deal with protecting peoples fragile egos over there inane beliefs.
I jsut dnt care about the niceities of dealing with people if their personalities get in the way of my happiness.
I'm not disrespectful, I dont go out of my way to make an issue of their crap until they insist upon it.
For some strange reason though people seem to like me. I dont get it, I'm not all that personable or charismatic - though I can be, but for some reason people I havent seen in years remember me
lujlp at July 19, 2012 7:04 PM
Had to extricate myself from a friendship with someone whose drug and alcohol problems made him toxic. I just stopped calling or emailing, or returning his.
I can deal with a lot of shit, but I can't take people for whom lying is such an easy option. He's doing better, some, lately. I'm trying to figure out if something can be rebuilt. We were very close friends, and I'd like to see him be OK, but I can't put myself or mine at risk.
tcpip at July 21, 2012 1:28 AM
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