Does Overparenting Hurt Or Help?
That's the question Madeline Levine poses and answers in The New York Times:
Decades of studies, many of them by Diana Baumrind, a clinical and developmental psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley, have found that the optimal parent is one who is involved and responsive, who sets high expectations but respects her child's autonomy. These "authoritative parents" appear to hit the sweet spot of parental involvement and generally raise children who do better academically, psychologically and socially than children whose parents are either permissive and less involved, or controlling and more involved. Why is this particular parenting style so successful, and what does it tell us about overparenting?For one thing, authoritative parents actually help cultivate motivation in their children. Carol Dweck, a social and developmental psychologist at Stanford University, has done research that indicates why authoritative parents raise more motivated, and thus more successful, children.
In a typical experiment, Dr. Dweck takes young children into a room and asks them to solve a simple puzzle. Most do so with little difficulty. But then Dr. Dweck tells some, but not all, of the kids how very bright and capable they are. As it turns out, the children who are not told they're smart are more motivated to tackle increasingly difficult puzzles. They also exhibit higher levels of confidence and show greater overall progress in puzzle-solving.
This may seem counterintuitive, but praising children's talents and abilities seems to rattle their confidence. Tackling more difficult puzzles carries the risk of losing one's status as "smart" and deprives kids of the thrill of choosing to work simply for its own sake, regardless of outcomes. Dr. Dweck's work aligns nicely with that of Dr. Baumrind, who also found that reasonably supporting a child's autonomy and limiting interference results in better academic and emotional outcomes.
Their research confirms what I've seen in more than 25 years of clinical work, treating children in Marin County, an affluent suburb of San Francisco. The happiest, most successful children have parents who do not do for them what they are capable of doing, or almost capable of doing; and their parents do not do things for them that satisfy their own needs rather than the needs of the child.
The central task of growing up is to develop a sense of self that is autonomous, confident and generally in accord with reality. If you treat your walking toddler as if she can't walk, you diminish her confidence and distort reality. Ditto nightly "reviews" of homework, repetitive phone calls to "just check if you're O.K." and "editing" (read: writing) your child's college application essay.
Being a good parent seems to require the wisdom to put your own needs and fears aside.
Levine's just-published book on the subject: Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success
Shorter: Your first grader can make his own damn lunch.
AB at August 5, 2012 11:00 AM
I think there's a big difference between praising children for what they have accomplished, and praising them for what you think they ought to do. There's also a big difference between praising for accomplisment, and praising for just meeting everyday standards of comportment.
Cousin Dave at August 5, 2012 4:40 PM
There's also a big difference between praising for accomplisment, and praising for just meeting everyday standards of comportment.
This. If my kids did their chores, they got their allowance. I didn't go all "Aren't you a special snowflake for doing the dishes, yes you are!" When they got good grades, they got a pat on the back and a "Good job, Baby. Keep it up." When they won competitions or scholarships they got "I am so proud of you, Baby, you've really done a great job."
When they needed a little bit of a push, I would remind them of things they had already accomplished, not just tell them "Oh, you are so smart, you can do it." I would show them examples of their achievements, of them living up to my expectations, so that they would regain their confidence. Everyone has doubts sometimes, the best way to deal with them is to give solid proof that those doubts are unfounded.
Kat at August 5, 2012 5:51 PM
Also, I don't think that people who buy into the 'self esteem is everything' crap are 'overparenting' at all. More like 'BFF' parenting, they want to be friends with their kids, be the cool parents that dress/act/talk like teenagers and never really grow up. These are the people you see at the mall, Mom's dressed like Britney Spears, Dad thinks he's stylin' in jams and a wifebeater, and the kids are 30 feet away rolling their eyes and commiserating to each other "Parents are so hard to raise these days!"
Kat at August 5, 2012 11:20 PM
In John Rosemond's 2005 book, "Family Building," he mentions, from 2000, a mother who thinks as he does. She was appalled at a letter from a teacher that reminded parents to "sit with" their children while they do their homework. He suggested she write back to the teacher and say "one does not become a great pitcher if Mom is standing on the mound with you, and one does not become a great student if Mom helps with the homework." (Pages 159-161.)
What he didn't mention was that he DOES think it's OK to help with homework - that is, only one question per project or so, and only 5 minutes per question, IIRC, and that otherwise, the teacher should be the one to "help."
And elsewhere, he pointed out working hard, not brains, are what should matter, and that self-respect is very different from "self-esteem."
Here it is (I'm not fond of his religious tendencies, but otherwise, he makes plenty of sense):
Some well-meaning folks suggest that there are two types of high self-esteem: a "false" self-esteem that is a function of people patting you on the back and telling you how wonderful you are, and a "genuine" self-esteem that is the result of significant accomplishment. In the words of a colleague and good friend, "Genuine self-esteem comes from achievement, such as studying hard and making good grades, or practicing hard and excelling in a sport."
So where, I ask, does that leave the child who studies hard and still makes no better than C's? Or the child who is a klutz? Or the disabled child who has neither the mental nor physical ability to succeed at doing much more than everyday self-help tasks? No, accomplishment-based self-esteem is no better than affirmation-based self-esteem. The former is highly prejudicial, the latter is sinful-a form of self-idolatry. And make no mistake about, if you have high regard for yourself because of your accomplishments, then you are likely to have less than high regard for those who's accomplishments are not as "worthy" as your own. In which case we are again talking about self-idolatry......
......"So, John," the impatient reader asks. "Answer the question: (If 'self esteem' is bad) What's good?"
What's good is self-respect. Because it is not a function of significant accomplishment, anyone can acquire self-respect, even the C-student, the klutz, and the disabled child. Self-respect, furthermore, is not idolatrous. It is acquired not because parents praise you (although they should-conservatively), but because they love you unconditionally (as does the Lord), hold you completely responsible for your behavior (but forgive you your sinfulness), and insist that you obey (respect their authority) and mind your manners at all times (show respect for others). It is, in fact, axiomatic that self-respect cannot exist without respect for others......
........Are self-confidence and self-respect interchangeable terms? Again, no. Self-confidence is specific to certain situations. For example, I feel very confident speaking to large groups of people, but I feel a distinct loss of confidence when I'm in deep water with sharks (I know, because I've been there, done that!). In fact, having confidence in a situation where you should not, where you should be on guard and charged with adrenaline, is foolhardy. But where self-confidence has, and should have, its ups and downs, self-respect is a constant.
The self-respecting person, rather than being "high" on him/herself, is modest, humble, even self-effacing at times-to again cite the apostle, a person of "sober judgment."
(end)
lenona at August 6, 2012 8:41 AM
Good comment, Lenny.
Each of us will and must decide on our own and for ourselves how much of life will be given to booklarnin'.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at August 6, 2012 10:15 AM
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