I Get Tired Of The Notion That Men Don't Show Their Feelings
What they don't do is show them like women do, in the Approved Women's Magazine Way Of Doing It.
I Get Tired Of The Notion That Men Don't Show Their Feelings
What they don't do is show them like women do, in the Approved Women's Magazine Way Of Doing It.
Related: that fathers aren't as attached to their children, and devastated to lose them as mothers are.
I've cried when around my kids three times after a difficult time attending to them while jumping through my ex-wife's hoops as I've been forced to.
The ex-wife, the kids have made a huge deal of my momentary crying.
anyway
anon at January 3, 2013 12:51 AM
You know what really sucks. I KNOW this- but heck if I don't forget during one of them "I'm-pregnant-and-the-Whole-world -must-revolve-around-me" days!
Then I apologize. Dammit!!!
Last week my husband saw and felt the baby moving and kicking last week. He smiled. Then continued on selecting his fantasy football team. The nerve! Right?
Within an hour he had (without prompting) put the crib together and then completed fixing the bannister to the stairs ( making sure it was sturdy and getting it into the studs - so I won't accidentally fall and not have a sturdy bar to use).
It was the oddest thing until I figured it out. I had actually been super disappointed in his (seeming) lack of enthusiasm regarding fetal movements - until I put two and two together.
Feebie at January 3, 2013 1:08 AM
@Feebie: Sounds right, and you are a rare woman for understanding it.
Many/most guys don't go all gushy; we tend to express our feelings indirectly, through actions. Too many women don't understand this.
Related topic: Femiization of the elementary schools. For the same reason Feebie's husband fixes the stair rail, boys play tag, dodgeball, football, etc. What do the predominantly female teachers/administrators want to do? Outlaw competitive, physical games because they don't understand why these are necessary.
a_random_guy at January 3, 2013 4:05 AM
Women want masculine men. Yin is attracted to Yang. Magnets / polarization. Now why should men 1) accept to have what they feel inside them retagged or redefined by some external agent, and 2) accept to have this redefinition eventually ruin what caused the attraction in the first (i.e. polarization). There's a limit to where each gender stops and where they cannot influence the other. And, sorry, but forcing a man to relabel himself by standards defined by non-men (women or institutions) is akin to psychological bullying, to me at least.
Skeptic at January 3, 2013 7:10 AM
Zackly. What the frustrated Harriets of "the movement" don't get is that behind each skyscraper, each symphony, and each rocket (if not in fact engineered by a woman) is a woman who can say to her friends "That was for me".
And they will never understand it.
Now there's a lot of good that's been done in unshackling the creativity and productivity of the fair sex. It's a weak man who's threatened by a strong woman. But the mind-stapled thudding literality of the left has cut a swath of destruction through the culture and left a lot of unnecessary wreckage in its wake. Those who begin with a willingness to "break a few eggs" wind up with a dirty kitchen and no omelet.
Haakon Dahl at January 3, 2013 7:12 AM
I was told, or read, that men cry. But wait until you're alone in the bathroom for it.
Several times I've been in difficult situations and that advice enabled me to do what needs to be done.
Brian Dunbar at January 3, 2013 7:16 AM
And that's what it comes down to. Sure there are some women out there that want men to show their feelings in hopes that those men (and all people) will be better for it. But let's not fool ourselves most of them want men to show their feelings in hopes that it will make things easier for women.
This is why some of them get bent out of shape when men express them in ways that don't follow what "women's magazine" say is approved.
In other words if there was a way for men to keep their emotions bottled up while still allowing them to perform to the likes and whims of their partners, women wouldn't care.
Danny at January 3, 2013 8:28 AM
> Then continued on selecting his fantasy football
> team. The nerve! Right?
Depends... NFC or AFC? Jus' Sayin'...
> But wait until you're alone in the bathroom
> for it.
Not even then. Get over yourself. Just have a glass of something... Just the one. (Hey, didja hear about the the Cardinals? Yeah... Whisenhunt got shitcanned.)
I once heard Carolla talking about this. When a man gets a little moist at the end of a romantic comedy when a young, busty, velvet-skinned actress wins the prince she deserves, most women are totally cool with it.
But if a man cries during real-life discussions of their relationship or similar moments of stress, it's frightening to her... As Carolla put it, that's like a school bus driver screeching to the kids that he can't handle these icy roads, and how the fuck do the brakes work on this thing, and all their noise is really harshing his concentration. Women (rightly) expect men to keep the lid on, even when they themselves are sliding (a little) out of line.
I agree with Dahl and company: Women will be expected to manipulate men, and men will be expected to not let it get out of hand. Like, ever. Because neither gender is entirely clear about where reality ends and their own selfish interests begin.
Crid [Cridcomment at Gmail] at January 3, 2013 9:16 AM
Oh horsehockey. BF leaked a little at his daughter's wedding a couple three months ago. It was awesome to see. The band played 'Melissa' (yes, that's her name) by the Allman Bros. for the father-daughter dance. Actually, I don't think there was a dry eye in the house for that one; it was a beautiful sight.
He has also been known to "get a little moist" in moments of stress, and I love him for it. Makes him seem just a little more human, as opposed to his super-human persona whenever I still melting down. He's my rock, but it's good to know he can also show emotion and not be afraid to.
Flynne at January 3, 2013 9:44 AM
"...start melting down", not "still".
You knew that right?
(Although I might still be melting down if it weren't for him...)
Flynne at January 3, 2013 9:48 AM
I always just put an asterisk on the statement:
Men Don't Show Their Feelings*
*like I want them to.
It's not only that men show feelings differently... What women seem to be looking for is usually a full blown sliding scale that you can never tell where you are at... and each woman is a bit different.
When I was younger, I tried the whole approval seeking bit where I attempted to figure out just what it was she wanted from me. What I didn't know was that this made me appear weak to several different women... and that changed their approach to me.
In my less charitable moments, I think women want a strong man, but they want to know there are chinks in that armor, so they can shiv you when needed.
In my more hopeful moments, I hope there are women who will not only accept you for what you are, but try to know how you are, so that they can accept you...
but that's kinda like finding twoo wuv... people have expectations on both sides, and they don't necessarily match up with reality very well.
Cridster's mention about Carolla, is pretty dead on, though. If you freak when she is expecting you to be solid...
SwissArmyD at January 3, 2013 10:31 AM
No. There are only two movies at which a man is allowed to cry (and then only a little): Old Yeller and Brian's Song (the original, not that crappy remake).
Conan the Grammarian at January 3, 2013 1:58 PM
No. There are only two movies at which a man is allowed to cry . . .
So, not at the end of Magnum Force, when Clint says, "A good man has to know his limitations"?
Sniff.
That was so beautiful.
Steve Daniels at January 3, 2013 2:57 PM
> Brian's Song (the original, not that
> crappy remake).
They showed that to us in 8th grade, a year or two after it was on the TV. We must have read the book for English or something.
I've never forgotten the girly-girls in that classroom who were so indulgently, hungrily weeping at that thing... The look of unmistakable adoration as they peered up at that screen, their quivering chins held low over moist Kleenex, mewling and blubbering as the actor pretended to die. These were children, and smug ones at that... There was only one soul on the planet for whom they could be feeling such compassion.
I had to wait THREE DECADES for that sentiment to be mocked with the proper ferocity... But watching Amélie mourn herself in a composite of Diana & Teresa hit the bullseye. (Click CC at bottom for [fabulous] translation.)
Never let it be said that women aren't into pornography.
It's been a top 3 favorite film ever since. I've seriously considered sending DVDs to those little girls, now middle-aged... With something snotty scratched on a card.
Crid [cridcomment at gmail] at January 3, 2013 3:04 PM
To be honest, I haven't seen it since I was about that age. I barely remember it.
All the men I grew up around were pretty stoic. That was my idea of how men behaved ... still is.
Not even then. Besides, why mourn the death of the corrupt Briggs?
Actually, at the end of Magnum Force, when Briggs' car blows up, Harry says, "a man's got to know his limitations."
That was a variation on what Harry said earlier in the movie. When Briggs proudly told Harry that he'd never fired his gun in his entire career, Harry told him "a good man knows his limitations."
Conan the Grammarian at January 3, 2013 3:36 PM
That was a variation on what Harry said earlier in the movie.
I'll bet you're loads of fun at parties.
Steve Daniels at January 3, 2013 3:50 PM
I see only one thing breaking my manly man stepdad down:
When our white frou frou puffy marshmellow bichon frise got run over and cut in half? Oh yeah that did it.
Purplepen at January 3, 2013 4:32 PM
There and many other places, too.
I leave 'em rollin' in the aisles at the grocery store.
Conan the Grammarian at January 3, 2013 5:32 PM
"When our white frou frou puffy marshmellow bichon frise...."
(horror....).
Re: Amelie. I was listening to that clip and the male force on this end shouted out "Adagio for Strings"!
It was the music in the background on that clip.
And here I thought he wasn't listening....
Men are always listening.... AND filtering!
Feebie at January 3, 2013 5:47 PM
Ps. NFL
Feebie at January 3, 2013 5:48 PM
Dammit. I meant NFC.
Feebie at January 3, 2013 5:49 PM
I think most men have a certain level of "Stop bothering me with the whining!" level as well.
If a guy has a wife, sig other, girlfriend that comes home and complains about the same boss or co-worker or workload day after day they are going to lose sympathy.
I do my best to suck it up or look for a resolution. I lose care after hearing the same whine day after day and the person does the same whine. Fix it or move on.
Jim P. at January 3, 2013 7:16 PM
Robert Glover describes the issue we have with finding a 'safe audience'-- someone who won't interrupt, judge, criticize and correct us. Family and girlfriends are famously incapable of being a 'safe audience'.
After my horrible heart surgery, all I wanted to do was finish dying. My folks offered to be there for me to talk about it, but when they heard what I needed to say, they refused to listen. Finally they realized I needed to get a pro, who understands this stuff.
jefe at January 3, 2013 7:26 PM
Those of us of a certain vintage feel the need to remain strong for our women no matter what, and to be the rock. Through deaths and other life tragedies. Other than some possible minormovie moistness (really, I just had something in my eye!), Mrs T has seen me lose it twice over our years together ... About a week after my dad died, and a few days after we lost our baby. And I think she was okay with it both times. I guess knowing your man is able to hold it together while you are vulnerable, yet knowing he hurts too, is comforting. Perhaps knowing he can be vulnerable to you brings you closer. Maybe that sounds old fashioned, chauvinistic, whatever... But it is what it is.
Mr Teflon at January 3, 2013 8:06 PM
> I was listening to that clip and the male force
> on this end shouted out "Adagio for Strings"!
I love that man. Be nice to him.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at January 3, 2013 8:17 PM
My father used to go down into the basement from time to time and listen to old records. He would cry quietly, then come back upstairs when he was done. I never knew what he was crying about and I never asked. He would have just made himself stop if he'd known I was watching, and I suspected even as a kid that I wouldn't understand it anyway. Probably old memories. But when he was done crying, he went back to taking care of what he needed to take care of. I never thought less of him for it.
He also cried when pictures of dead soldiers started coming back from Iraq (the first time) and when my mother died. He was still a man then, too.
I don't trust anyone, man or woman, who cries all the time. It's manipulative. But having strong emotions doesn't make someone weak. It's about what happens next.
MonicaP at January 3, 2013 10:41 PM
"I was told, or read, that men cry. But wait until you're alone in the bathroom for it."
Took me till my 30s to figure this out. As a kid I was fed the schtock line 'boys don't cry' and my take-away from that was that I must be a very weak person then. Recently I saw a stat, don't know it's true but it gives some food for thought, that the average man cries 6 times a year. I guess I cry maybe once a year or so.
I once cried just a little in a previous relationship during a time of both relationship problems and a severe family crisis, with my mom extremely sick, and my then-girlfriend called me "pathetic" to my face for it.
Lobster at January 4, 2013 4:01 AM
and my then-girlfriend called me "pathetic" to my face for it.
A good reason to make her your ex-girlfriend, if you ask me.
MonicaP at January 4, 2013 7:52 AM
Well as they say, love is blind (and deaf and dumb). She eventually broke up with me, I didn't realize it at the time but she did me a big favor in doing so. Am now married to someone who is a much better person.
Lobster at January 4, 2013 8:47 AM
@Brian Dunbar:
> I was told, or read, that men cry. But wait until
> you're alone in the bathroom for it.
>
> that advice enabled me to do what needs to be
> done.
Exactly.
Paragraph two explains paragraph one.
TJIC at January 4, 2013 10:42 AM
I'm a man and it's easy to make me cry. Play some sentimental music. The third movement of Shostakovich's 5th Symphony will do it. Then again, so will James Taylor singing, "Yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone..." Or Tom Waits croaking out the lyrics to "A Soldier's Things"...
Say something to remind me of my cat, now departed, who used to wait for me by the door every night as I came in from work, bouncing back and forth and singing like only a Siamese can.
Tell me my wife of twenty years has cancer and she must undergo painful and nauseating treatment.
But no one will respect you for it. Just the way it is. Women don't like sensitive men. Never have, never will. They want insensitive men but reserve the right to complain about their insensitivity.
Is that clear?
Not to me either.
Lee at January 4, 2013 10:54 AM
"There are only two movies at which a man is allowed to cry (and then only a little): Old Yeller and Brian's Song (the original, not that crappy remake)."
Sorry, but there is a third movie. The "have a catch" scene at the end of "Field of Dreams" gets me every time. Probably something to do with my Dad dying when I was two and never getting to have that experience.
JohnBoy at January 4, 2013 11:07 AM
You need to watch Boondock Saints II: Men don't show their feelings, "because it's none of your d--- business." lol.
Hucbald at January 4, 2013 11:07 AM
I cry when someone dies or my dog(s) die.
Lately, however, I've been giving it some thought since it appears America is dying.
An Old Guy Who Remembers at January 4, 2013 11:09 AM
We hear a lot about how men are boorish pigs for liking the things we like or behaving the way we behave. We hear a lot about how awful it is, the way men objectify women into some fantasy of idealistic sexual plaything.
And yet, there are entire industries (movies, TV, romance novels, restaurants, Valentine's Day, etc.) that are based on the feminine notion of the "ideal" man...but we don't hear much about such gratuitous objectification of men.
I think the point here is that we oughta accept people for who they are. Tough concept, I know, but how much simpler would things be if we could just set aside our willingness to define others to suit our own self-interest and instead let them be themselves?
jdelphiki at January 4, 2013 11:14 AM
"There are only two movies at which a man is allowed to cry (and then only a little): Old Yeller and Brian's Song."
I cried at the end of Old Yeller, but then I was maybe eight years old.
Pettifogger at January 4, 2013 11:14 AM
No excuse.
Crid [cridcomment at gmail] at January 4, 2013 11:17 AM
I think an underlying assumption here among some women and some men is that if a man does not act like a woman does in any given situation he's somehow less empathetic, less caring, and even less human than if he had.
S Lewis at January 4, 2013 11:26 AM
"No excuse".
Hard ass.
Feebie at January 4, 2013 11:41 AM
"No. There are only two movies at which a man is allowed to cry (and then only a little): Old Yeller and Brian's Song (the original, not that crappy remake)."
Also that scene in the She Wore A Yellow Ribbon where John Wayne buries a fallen comrade on the lone prairie (actually, I think it's the badlands) with his boots on.
Sniff.
Ain't NOBODY buries a fallen comrade like the Duke.
Lamont
Lamont Cranston at January 4, 2013 11:43 AM
First time I found myself in a sinking boat in 150 feet of water I had 3 female friends with me. They began an animated discussion of the options available and their relative merits, while a fire-hose stream of water shot into the boat where the driveshaft had been. I listened for about 10 seconds, then twisted up a towel and shoved it tight into the opening in about another 10 seconds. There's a time for emotion and a time for action.
jj at January 4, 2013 11:50 AM
Thank you so much for posting this!
I just did something that hurt my boyfriend (cancelled special plans with him for a silly reason). I felt horrible about it from the get-go, though some of my girlfriends urged me he didn't seem that upset. Instead of listening, I talked to him face-to-face, where it's easier to read his feelings than in emails or even on the phone. Taking the time and attention to actually read his signals -- instead of assuming, if he doesn't blow up like a catty girl or explain himself methodically like a Women's Magazine Trainee, he doesn't really feel anything -- made me realize how hurt he was, and prompted me into a very big, sincere apology with lots of goodies to make it up to him (home baked treats, a coffee visit to his office in the afternoon, promises to go wherever he wanted next date night). It's a sign of respect that you try to learn how another person expresses himself, instead of giving him guidelines he has to follow. If he's a decent person, he won't need to be "trained," and if a girl is a decent person, she will take the time to read his signals instead of waiting for an explosive confrontation to make it all clear.
anonymous at January 4, 2013 12:00 PM
> Hard ass.
See? See? All you touchy-feely women don't understand how machismo really works.
But a boy — even a toddler — is never never too young to start being the man he wants to be... Especially in the Badger State.
Emotions are for fags.
Crid [cridcomment at gmail] at January 4, 2013 12:07 PM
"Men feel the same way as women but express it differently."
Bingo. Let me give you another example and how it leads to misunderstandings. We currently have a huge debate in this country about gun-related civil rights. Women (in general) have a different attitude about this than men (in general), and accuse each other of not caring. Why? In fact, BOTH want to protect their children by removing a threat of violence. But women want to remove that threat by finding a way to take everyone's guns away. Men want to remove that threat by arming themselves and destroying the violent offender.
Note. If you get the question "People drive to work in cars or pirates?", the correct answer apparently is not "carrrrrs"
RonF at January 4, 2013 12:07 PM
Seriously, mostly, I'm kinda crushing on this Anon woman, and am hopeful that her fella came around.
Crid [cridcomment at gmail] at January 4, 2013 12:10 PM
Yeah, we'll, after an emotional display, there must be a seemingly endless discussion about the feeling and whether it is appropriate to the circumstance. Feels like somebody else now owns your feelings. But keep them to yourself? You aren't sharing, you unfeeling bastard. So -- it's a matter of choosing which punishment do you choose for having feelings.
Walt at January 4, 2013 12:16 PM
Too many women don't want to understand how men 'express' feelings because then they don't have to make an effort and they don't have to understand the actual feelings of men and they don't have to quit complaining about how men don't properly display their emotions.
OTOH, on the other hand, my ex-wife [a very nice person -- we didn't divorce due to either of us somehow hurting the other, I think] a few years ago said one of the very nicest things anyone has ever said to me.
She said, "the one thing I could count on when we were married was that you were always 'there' for me. Actually, you were there for me after we split when I needed you. Damn!! You're gonna be there for me forever, aren't you?" The only thing I could come up with was Gary Cooper: "Yup." I didn't cry, but that would have been a good place.
I cried at my father's funeral and my mother's death. I suppose there were other times, but usually when it would have been a good time I was too doggone busy trying to do something useful to cry.
JorgXMckie at January 4, 2013 12:30 PM
Walt,
"She said, "the one thing I could count on when we were married was that you were always 'there' for me. Actually, you were there for me after we split when I needed you. Damn!! You're gonna be there for me forever, aren't you?"
As the typical male that doesn't cry that much, the fact that you fell for this crap makes me think my keyboard is chopping onions. Get away from that woman asap, and learn how to start liking yourself again.
arlo at January 4, 2013 12:42 PM
Yeah, men are expected to hold it together, and rightly so... I know a lot of women will SAY they want a man to be sensitive, but when someone' broken into the house, I daresay the ladies want the husband who's going to go downstairs and split the burglar's wig ;)
Sam Medina at January 4, 2013 1:03 PM
Dear crid: wasn't sure if you were crushing on me (the poster who wrote about cancelling on her boyfriend) but to wrap the story up: after I realized how hurt he was, I apologized deeply, and he forgave, and tonight we're having a nice cozy evening together. I started this tale by emailing it to Amy and she urged me to post it in the comments, so I'll share what I told her next: besides communication, it's also important for couples to be able to sincerely apologize AND forgive. I'm grateful my boyfriend is a good forgiver -- he doesn't dwell on things after we've worked it out. (I've had to forgive him once or twice, too, so it goes both ways.)
anonymous at January 4, 2013 1:10 PM
Married 27 years today. It is good to hang around that long, because even after 27 years, occasionally my husband tells me something about himself I didn't know. We have been through a lot, but he seldom cries.
I remember him crying when he was sitting in his hospital bed realizing he would have deficits from his stroke. We both cried recently when he finished selling off all the stock he had built up for our 26-year-old son, who instead of being able to go to college and live on his own, is a special needs adult. He had to move the funds to a special needs trust so we could get our son on Social Security and Medicaid, so that he has a safety net in case we die suddenly.
When I wrote the check to put the funds in the trust, I told him this whole thing was killing me. He cried because he said that in all those walks he took with our exceptionally bright lad when he was a toddler and a moppet, he wondered what his future would be. He said, never in all those walks did he envision this as his future.
And, he cried when he heard Sarah Palin's speech when she was introduced by John McCain. He said the thing that got him about her, was that she did it on her own, not by having a powerful husband, or a family "brand".
But, he did NOT cry when he said "yes" to his heart transplant. He called his mother and his son, and told them he trusted God. Then they came and took him to prepare him for the transplant. He went with a smile, and has lived now eight years beyond when he would have died with his heroic but weak heart.
Damn, I love that man.
MathMom at January 4, 2013 1:42 PM
Back in the day, my feminist (female) friends had such high hopes for me.
Then I noticed I was a "guy", and that there wasn't much I could do about being a "guy." And from there, I embraced my inner "guyness."
The chicks will have to get over it.
geek49203 at January 4, 2013 1:49 PM
As a guy, husband and father, this comment section might be the best thing I have ever read on the Internet. Thanks professor Reynolds.
John at January 4, 2013 2:08 PM
> wasn't sure if you were crushing on me
Yep.
> so it goes both ways.
It usually does, and he sounds like a very communicative guy. This doesn't apply to you: But I think a lot of women don't do the eye contact you did with him because they WANT to complain about the alien nature of men, and men certainly have their own habits that way. I guess it's all good fun until it spills into policy... As it all too often does.
It gets pathetic when women imagine that femininity is humanity's default, and masculinity is just bad programming. Men have their own arrogance; this is the human condition.
> he cried when he heard Sarah Palin's speech
I got a little moist and runny after the cowlick thing, because in that moment (if only in that moment) it seemed like she might win. No media handler in the world can compose am impression like that.
Crid [cridcomment at gmail] at January 4, 2013 2:11 PM
Nope.
I gotta watch that movie again. I'm pretty sure John Wayne didn't cry then (no actual tears). If he didn't, you can't.
And if he did, you still can't; 'cause that was his comrade he buried, not yours.
Conan the Grammarian at January 4, 2013 2:26 PM
Conan understands.
There will be no backsliding, Boys... We're going to carry ourselves like American men of European extraction. Now stuff your feelings and move forward.
Crid [cridcomment at gmail] at January 4, 2013 2:48 PM
I've always been glad that my husband and I couldn't speak the same language when we first met. We were really forced to pay close attention to each other just to communicate. I think a lot of people assume when they speak the same language and come from the same culture that they already know what the other person means to say or how they should act, so they don't listen well. By "listen," I mean to nonverbals as well.
My husband almost never says the words, "I love you" to me or to our children. He's a good husband and father, though, and his first instinct no matter what is always to provide for and protect us. So, we feel completely loved by him and don't need to hear the words. Most of the women I know seem really uncomfortable with the idea of having to know someone loves you if they don't say it all the time, though.
Julie at January 4, 2013 2:57 PM
"Emotions are for fags."
You laugh, but... there have been plenty of times in my life where if I could have taken a drug that would completely strip me of all emotion, I would have done it just like that.
Cousin Dave at January 4, 2013 3:16 PM
Most women (not all) are hardhearted harpies who could give a damn less what men go through, and wouldn't understand it if you used all 72 crayons in the box to illustrate it. Like most guys, I have my own history and scars. They are nobody else's business and I'll deal with it myself, thank you.
We have enough adversity as it is without opening ourselves up to people who don't give a damn about anyone but themselves.
Just the way it is.
Dienekes at January 4, 2013 3:21 PM
The only time a man is permitted to cry;
1. Last scene from "Field of Dreams" Kevin Costner plays catch with his father.
2. When your Commanding Officer presents a folded American flag to the widow and children of your friend.
In all other occasions, maintain your bearing. Like a friggin man...
jeff at January 4, 2013 4:05 PM
Buck up, D-boy! This is no time for mawkish sentiment, son.
Crid [cridcomment at gmail] at January 4, 2013 4:07 PM
"There are only two movies at which a man is allowed to cry (and then only a little): Old Yeller and Brian's Song."
I can think of another, more recent one. The final scene in "Saving Private Ryan", in the cemetery with his family.
gb_in_tx at January 4, 2013 4:28 PM
I picked two movies from childhood as cry-worthy - vaguely remembering them as pretty emotional at the time.
I'm gettin' old. Everyone else's choices are movies from my adulthood - which rules them out.
You can get a bit choked up from movies you see as an adult man, but you can't cry during them. They're movies!
Saving Private Ryan fails for two reasons.
One, it's not from my childhood. (Same thing with Field of Dreams.)
Two, it's from Steven Spielberg, a director whose instincts for dramatic moments are from the obvious school. He's fine with action and light comedy, but when it comes to dramatic moments, he's got the subtlety of a a ten-pound sledge hammer.
Conan the Grammarian at January 4, 2013 4:54 PM
Women want men to show their emotions becuase that shows the man's vulnerability. Knowing someone's vulnerability is a weapon, one which women typically wield more skillfully. Makes up for the lesser physical strength compared to men. Territory. Power. Advantage. Typical human strivings. Feminism isn't nearly as noble as when it started out.
I don't give a s**t what women think of my emotional coping mechanisms, or lack thereof. A man without a woman is like a man who drives a pickup truck instead of a bicycle, and towes his boat behind to go catch some fish.
dirty dave at January 4, 2013 5:52 PM
Crying movie: Taking Chance.
Been there, funerals, notified next of kin, survivor assistance, buried relations in US cemeteries.
Richard Aubrey at January 4, 2013 6:06 PM
My man is delightfully sentimental. When we first got back together (after almost 30 years), our joy was such that we regularly teared up together. And he is all man, so pay no attention to the advice telling you to never cry, or that your woman will despise you for it.
A real man and real woman together get to be who they truly are, and not what outsiders define them as. Touching moments bring shared tears.
disa at January 4, 2013 6:33 PM
I'm with Richard; try and stay dry-eyed when you're handing that flag to a teary mother or widow, especially one with young kids.
Jason at January 4, 2013 6:37 PM
> The final scene in "Saving Private Ryan",
> in the cemetery
It is the incontestable judgment of my peer group that those bookend scenes are worthless... Because the fertile 'granddaughters' are too howlingly attractive, as if the casting agent was coke fiend coming off a bender and out of his mind.
...But I've also heard that to the survivors of D-Day, they're the best parts of the film. Those guys needed those scenes.
Out of respect for their service to our shared nation, I'll make the sacrifice of looking at some inexplicably alluring young women on a 70-foot projection.
(My own favorite part was the feckless shots on an oncoming tank from the sidearm as Hank's life drained away. Wonderfully pointless and correct. I remember thinking 'Holy shit, Spielberg is really going to do this guy!')
—————————————————
> Crying movie: Taking Chance.
Many things to admire: It's a movie about a man who doesn't deserve the privilege, right? I've always felt Bacon didn't deserve to be so famous... So the movie was resonant.
But that was about 2007, right?
Kevin Bacon is starring in a despicably violent and exploitative cable drama this month. In general, his career choices, and those of his wife, have turned to shit lately... Because Bernie Madoff took them for millions, and they need to catch up.
("We lost hard-earned money," says Sedgwick. The fact that the 'hard earning' and money itself might not have been hers is an irony to profound for her little Hollywood head to host.)
Never forget that when you see an actor getting all sanctimonious on a talk show. These are people who think [A.] investing isn't about a careful review of opportunities, but just about having the right friends and [B.] they deserve extra value no matter what. So if 'investments' don't work out, they'll be happy to take advantage of the industry's worst vectors just to grind some extra jack.
...Otherwise, they'd be doing poorly-attended theater and small romantic comedies all the way to the grave.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at January 4, 2013 6:43 PM
During the ten years with my ex, I saw him cry a small handful of times. Once on our wedding day (cue sarcastic snicker from Crid), once when we decided to euthanize my dying lab, etc.
I admit the difference in communication style has sometimes been frustrating (for both parties), but I think that the image of a man crying can be very moving. Take fireman, police officers, soldiers, and by-standers during traumatic events, for example, or families grieving the loss of their loved ones.
Meloni at January 4, 2013 8:01 PM
> once when we decided to euthanize my
> dying lab, etc.
And yet he dared called himself a manly man? For shame, Meloni... For shame.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at January 4, 2013 9:21 PM
I was with my lady for 13 years. Somewhere in there I read an essay that said, in effect, that if you can say "I love you" every single day without gritting your teeth, your chances of a long term successful relationship is better. If you can't, then it brings up issues you have to address as a couple.
Then you have to remember how you would feel if if tomorrow never comes.
Jim P. at January 4, 2013 9:24 PM
"There are only two movies at which a man is allowed to cry (and then only a little): Old Yeller and Brian's Song."
Screw y'all. I'll cry when I damn well please. Most recently during "I dreamed a dream" during Les Mis.
Right Wing Nutter at January 4, 2013 9:40 PM
>And yet he dared called himself a manly man? For shame, Meloni... For shame.
He prefers action over words. I've never heard him call himself anything.
Meloni at January 4, 2013 9:47 PM
Boom!
Touché.
Me? Cry? Never. It never happened, and you can't prove it did!!!!!!!
But if there were a cause for which you should get all pouty-chinned and super-sincere in the presence of others, this might be it. As Cosh notes, wife-beater Lennon is probably not the best reflection of Western culture to shine on that problem.
But short of arming women in India, which might accelerate their safety considerably, mere sentimental humiliation is the cheapest price we could pay for bringing that nation into wealth and modernity. If it works, I will learn the goddamn song.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at January 4, 2013 10:01 PM
more
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at January 4, 2013 10:49 PM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2013/01/03/i_get_tired_of.html#comment-3542072">comment from Right Wing Nutteronly two movies at which a man is allowed to cry (and then only a little): Old Yeller
Gregg says if you don't cry at Old Yeller, you're a sociopath.
Amy Alkon at January 4, 2013 11:47 PM
I was with my wife for 17 years, 14 married. When she died at age 34, from cancer, I only cried when I was home alone after the funeral.Held in in until then.
A man should be free to cry then and anyone doesn't like/understand then fuck em.
Jim at January 5, 2013 2:53 AM
I'll take Seneca over pop psychology (or the trend du jour) anytime:
"You must not excuse yourself as being a woman, who has been virtually given the right to indulge excessively, but not endlessly, in tears. With this in view, our ancestors allowed widows to mourn their husbands for ten months, in order to compromise by public decree with the stubbornness of female grief. They did not prohibit mourning, but they limited it. For to be afflicted with endless sorrow at the loss of someone very dear is foolish self-indulgence, and to feel none is unhuman callousness. The best compromise between love and good sense is both to feel longing and to conquer it. You must not pay regard to certain women whose grief, once assumed, was ended only by death - you know some who never removed the mourning dress they put on when they lost their sons. (...) For to be tormented by other peoples' troubles means perpetual misery, while to take delight in them in an inhuman pleasure; just as it is an empty show of kindness to weep and assume a solemn look because somebody is burying a son. In your own troubles too, the appropriate conduct is to indulge as much grief as nature, not custom, demands: for many people weep in order to be seen weeping, though their disposition, stirs up passions again, and aggravates any mental weakness which has not been completely cured."
With this in mind, and Nature having made men and women very different over time, there will always be parts of life that simply do not, for the most, overlap. Expecting the opposite gender to be able to mold itself to our selfish expectations (projections?) is unrealistic.
Skeptic at January 5, 2013 5:01 AM
"If it works, I will learn the goddamn song."
You know it won't work, though.
Cousin Dave at January 5, 2013 9:01 AM
Of course not... But, like, I am ready to try potions and spells and silly hats and incantations. India has a problem. They can bring many wonderful new things to the world, if they can just get their shit together vis-a-vis the sisters.
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at January 5, 2013 1:07 PM
New comment thread! —
List the silliest songs you'd be willing to sing in public for World Peace:
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at January 5, 2013 3:08 PM
"List the silliest songs you'd be willing to sing in public for World Peace:"
1 - Theme song to original 'Star Trek' TV show.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at January 5, 2013 5:24 PM
#2- I'd be willing to take a hit for the team - for world peace and all...
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=97RjuC9YeXg
feebie at January 5, 2013 6:18 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJ2lihn1Ir8
Skeptic at January 6, 2013 5:09 AM
I vote for Love the One You're With. I'll even dig up my feather roach clip hair accessory.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLTdRqYwzXQ
Peace Out,
Sunshine.
Meloni at January 7, 2013 3:17 PM
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