Your Hiding You Is On You, Not Your White Or Chinese Roommate
"I'm tired of suppressing myself to get along with white people" is the headline on the Priscilla Ward Salon piece. The subtitle: "I pocket my black rage, and swap 'hey girl' for hello. But in making others comfortable, I'm making myself sick."
Wow -- not being true to yourself makes you sick. This is not a surprise.
She writes that her roommate, a few weeks after Michael Brown got shot in Ferguson, had only a vague sense of what went on there.
Guess what: Not everybody pays attention to the news. I mentioned Charlie Hebdo to someone I know -- someone highly intelligent but who's not really all up in the news -- and she hadn't heard of it.
Ward writes:
I was tired of catering to everyone else's comforts. How much of my day-to-day experiences as a black woman do I have to filter? I replace "hey girl" with boring hellos. I eat my leftover fried chicken outside the office. In order to have some common point of identifiable communication, I pretend to care about Taylor Swift, or white movie stars on their I've-lost-count remarriages and those other white pop stars I could not care less about. "Oh yeah, she's cute," I tell them. "Yeah, that's cool."
Ridiculous. That's on her, not on the white, Chinese, and whatever people around her.
If you're around people who think ill of you because you eat fried chicken, maybe they're recent converts to low-carb. Fried chicken is one of my favorite foods ever. If you eat it, I won't think ill of you -- unless you don't offer me a piece. And I'm the color of fresh Wite-Out.
Could it be that you just think they think ill of you? Because it helps you maintain what might be your (covertly narcissistic) identity as being special because you are an "outsider"?
There's still DWB -- getting pulled over for Driving While Black -- and other absolutely rotten and sometimes deadly stuff people go through just by virtue of being black. But the reality is people are divided by class in this country more and more. My black friends don't stick out from my white friends -- and same goes for friends of other races and from other countries. We're all in the same social circle and have the same sort of jobs and similar lives and concerns.
On the language issue, I'm from Detroit, and I absolutely love hearing "Hey, girl" and the way some black women speak, same as I love hearing Southern accents. A woman manning the Hardee's drive-through in Detroit once called my boyfriend "baby" -- "Thank you, baby" -- while I was on the phone, and it was so sexy (without trying to be) that I still remember it.
Quite frankly, if you are in Western society and don't talk how you want to talk or eat the lunch you want to eat, or aren't real about the music you listen to, you're probably doing that because you don't have real (intrinsic) self-esteem.
About the music thing, I got scared the other day because I had to get a second mammogram. When I'm scared, I listen to Julie Andrews. At full blast. (Also at other times. I just love Julie Andrews.) I tell people this on occasion. When it's relevant. Though I think you probably couldn't get uncooler in musical taste.
As for Ward, I suspect that her problem is that she sees herself as a black person first and a person second.
Back on the language thing, my Catholic boyfriend told me his (Jewish) Hollywood agent used the word "macher" today. I don't think he was troubled that the guy didn't speak the Latin of the whatever mass my boyfriend talks about everybody getting their panties in a bunch about somebody changing.
Who has time to be this agitated that the world is not formed exactly to their cultural specifications? That some people listen to Taylor Swift when they listen to something else? (As I noted about feminists the other day, the victimist focus does allow one to avoid the hard thinking about life and working toward becoming somebody.)
Oh, and if she wants something worth being upset about, there's this from her piece:
I don't talk about what happens every 28 hours -- a black person is killed.
These are mainly black men being killed by other black men.
But that misses the mark of her agenda, so...never mind!
First I find it hilarious that the advert I keep getting on my ipad is for the black cheeseburger with the black cheese they have in Burger King Japan.
So this is a pretty straightforward issue. She grew up segregated by choice and doesn't understand that most people don't have anymore interest in her culture than she does of theirs.
She was homeschooled by two black parents, grew up in a middle class black neighborhood in D.C., went to a black college, and worked in a black magazine (Essence).
Being surrounded by nothing but educated blacks was her utopia but unfortunately she had to leave it join us regular folk.
She is what is referred to by my black gay friend as "a Natural Hair Nazi". Yes there is a term for women like her, and doing a little more digging of her views I am correct in applying it.
Ppen at January 23, 2015 12:24 AM
I hear of "white privilege" now and then, typically from people like this– who do not understand that they live in a ridiculously prosperous nation, generating their own problems. At the same time they lament that others do not understand them, they fail to realize they could be living somewhere they could be killed for "honor", or perhaps have their genitals mutilated.
On a lighter note, I must smile at the idea of your singing, "The Hills Are Alive…" They are, indeed, And that's a good thing!
Radwaste at January 23, 2015 3:08 AM
While I agree the article was annoying, I think it true that "acting black" ie stereotypically, such as speaking ebonics and black slang, wearing natural hair styles, and other mannerisms are not going to get one far in life. People do respond to these things.
There's that study they talk about, where they sent out identical resumes where half had white-sounding names and the other had black-sounding names, and the black ones didn't call back (I forget if she mentioned it in the article, please don't make me go back and read it)
The fact that things are worse in other places doesn't mean there's not racial discrimination here.
But frankly, she should go back to the comfortable scene she liked to live in. Life's short, why waste it being miserable with people you don't like.
NicoleK at January 23, 2015 4:05 AM
Imagine how bad she must have been before Obama healed our race issues!
/sarcasm
dee nile at January 23, 2015 4:34 AM
As I was reading this: "There's still DWB -- getting pulled over..." my initial translation was "Dumb White Blond." What does that say about me?
Goo at January 23, 2015 5:06 AM
It's amazing to me how people like this let their preoccupation with race issues ruin their life. Our postmodern academics don't care that their ideas are destroying their students. Having a number of friends with a variety of minority identities, I notice that the ones who fixate on this stuff are a lot angrier and a lot less happy than the ones who focus on living their own life.
Maybe Ward will eventually grow up.
Also, can we figure out whether eating fried chicken is an offensive black stereotype or part of an authentic black identity? This issue greatly confuses me :)
Brian at January 23, 2015 5:58 AM
There is a lot of very damaging prejudice and self separation in the black community. I have a friend who is black and the has the knack (in the Dilbert sense). She is one of the best damn technicians I have ever worked with. With a little more education she would have been a top notch engineer. But her family was totally against it. When she first went to ITT her mother disowned her. It was over a decade before anyone in her family would talk to her. Her offense of giving up a 'good black job' at the post office and trying to get a 'white job' was that severe. At the same time her brother who went back to jail for violating parole by looting in New Orleans after Katrina was just a man doing what men do.
And the fried chicken thing is totally in the authors head. No one cares but her. But the fish sauce is a real issue down here in the south. You are either with the fish sauce or against the fish sauce and violence is always on the horizon.
Ben at January 23, 2015 7:22 AM
Well-put on the "preoccupation with race issues" that people allow to ruin their lives.
My friends are my friends. Some are black, some are Asian, some are Jewish, some are I don't really know what. I don't really think about their origins unless they're a part of their writing. They're just my friends and I think of them in terms of the emotional and intellectual value they bring to our conversations and the feeling I have for them and vice versa.
Amy Alkon at January 23, 2015 7:23 AM
The article absolutely screams "Cluster B personality disorder". As we know, such people will always seek to put themselves above others and disclaim responsibility for their own well-being, no matter what. Playing the race card just happens to be the path of convience for Ward. The problem isn't that she's black; the problem is that she is an ass. What she refuses to admit is that the reason other people don't want to associate with her isn't because she's black; it's because, as the article makes clear, she's a very unpleasant person to be around.
As an aside: Maybe Amy can start a Julie Andrews fad. If Tony Bennett can hang with the Seattle grunge-rockers, anything can happen.
Cousin Dave at January 23, 2015 7:24 AM
How about "just be yourself"?
As someone who has lived in the south or deep south for a long time, if you tell me you're serving fried chicken with collard greens and some corn bread, I'll be there. Heck I even like the dark meat. Ok, phrasing.
No, this is someone looking to be offended. Which is fortunate for her, since she won't have to go far.
I R A Darth Aggie at January 23, 2015 7:54 AM
You are either with the fish sauce or against the fish sauce and violence is always on the horizon.
Good thing I'm not a fish person. Is it ok that I'm agnostic about the fish sauce?
Now, if you'd said you put yeller sauce on your BBQ, I'd call you an apostate and issue a fatwa on your head.
Priorities.
I R A Darth Aggie at January 23, 2015 7:57 AM
Can there be a "stereotype" w/o watermelon on the table?
Bob in Texas at January 23, 2015 8:05 AM
There's something about working and playing well with others that requires suppressing slightly one's own desires or even personality to match with the customs of the group one is with. A white American would have to do the same thing as Priscilla Ward did, probably, to work comfortably in a group of black Americans. The question seems to be, how much of an adjustment does one have to make to fit in. Maybe Ms. Ward was trying a little too hard; pretending to like Taylor Swift could be a sign of that.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at January 23, 2015 8:33 AM
"I was tired of catering to everyone else's comforts. How much of my day-to-day experiences as a black woman do I have to filter?"
Young black woman wants to assume the whiny white-girl damsel in distress persona. Are we supposed to do anything but laugh at her?
"How much of my day-to-day experiences as a black woman do I have to filter?"
Have you ever considered coming out of that closet, girlie? Grow a pair of balls and just do it.
Jim at January 23, 2015 9:18 AM
Way too many people in this world are letting outside influences define them, instead of simply influence them.
If you don't like white pop stars (interesting how she defines them as "white pop stars" and not "pop stars whose music I don't like"), don't listen to them.
And say to people who want to talk to you about them "you know, I'm not really a fan" or simply nod, because telling a true fan that you're not a fan of their favorite pop star could result in an hour-long lecture on how wonderful that pop star is; kinda like saying that no, you don't like the Twilight books or movies and, in fact, no longer like hearing the word "twilight" because of them, and then being treated to a long lecture on the greatness that is, at its heart, the story of a 100-year-old vampire entering into an inappropriate relationship with a 17-year-old dingbat.
But don't pretend to like whatever white people like because you're afraid the white people in the office will discover you're not white. Got some news for you: they already know.
Conan the Grammarian at January 23, 2015 9:24 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2015/01/23/your_hiding_you.html#comment-5796538">comment from Conan the GrammarianI love Beyonce, Aretha, Nina Simone, Eartha Kitt, and Les Negresses Vertes. Because they're great. In fact, when asked what music I like, I sometimes joke (though the above are mostly slim) that what I like is "fat black ladies singing."
When in DC as an intern at UPI, I got sent to report on the March for Jobs, Peace, and Freedom, and my favorite part was going to churches and hearing everybody sing.
Amy Alkon at January 23, 2015 9:29 AM
IRA,
If you claim to be agnostic about the fish sauce you don't know what I am talking about. Fish sauce is an anchovy product. I quite enjoy it. But when you have 50 odd plates with fish sauce going in and out of a microwave at work the odor becomes penetrating. You are either eating fish sauce or you are eating somewhere else. Think BBQ w/ anchovy or fried chicken w/ anchovy. It doesn't matter if you use it. The odor will make it taste like you did.
Ben at January 23, 2015 10:45 AM
"As someone who has lived in the south or deep south for a long time, if you tell me you're serving fried chicken with collard greens and some corn bread, I'll be there. "
That was the most WTF part of the whole article. In the South, fried chicken is universal; everyone eats it. It would be like me saying, "Everyone hates me because I wear shirts!"
Cousin Dave at January 23, 2015 12:31 PM
Me thinks much of her discomfort in her own skin is because she is young, not because she is African American.
My $0.02.
Janet C at January 23, 2015 12:35 PM
I replace "hey girl" with boring hellos.
That's a good idea when you're addressing men.
JD at January 23, 2015 12:37 PM
Yeah the steryotype of blacks eating friend chicken was because southern blacks were moving to the North. So they were the only ones seen eating fried chicken.
Now I want to get some Popeyes because that's the only good friend chicken I can get in SoCal.
Ppen at January 23, 2015 12:55 PM
JD, hilarious.
Amy Alkon at January 23, 2015 2:27 PM
" The problem isn't that she's black; the problem is that she is an ass."
I'm thinking you're right, Cousin Dave!
As for fitting in with your group, it's a normal thing to do but not to get all huffy about. In New York, I skated with a group of 20 black guys. We talked about stuff related to New York and skating; I didn't go on about a sale at Loehmann's or what kind of heel was in for fall.
Amy Alkon at January 23, 2015 2:31 PM
To Conan:
I'd say the problem tends to solve itself as one gets older.
Since I'm in my 40s, no one expects me to have any interest in ANY pop stars of the here and now. Or most current movies, for that matter - if anyone asks, I just say that they're too expensive, I don't like being constantly disappointed, and anyway, I only want to see a movie in a theatre if it gets at least 3.5 stars from ALL my favorite critics. I'm even fussy about free DVDs from the library.
To Amy:
"As for Ward, I suspect that her problem is that she sees herself as a black person first and a person second."
I believe quite a few people have pointed out that in the U.S., at least, being white means not thinking about one's color, but being black means thinking about it constantly, if only because white people often can't be bothered to hide their negative facial expressions or body language around black people, even if they do keep their mouths shut.
lenona at January 23, 2015 2:35 PM
All southern people eat fried chicken and greens and watermelon-that's not a black thing. And I-a white nearly 40 middle class mom of 4-use "Hey Girl" all the time. This girl is an idiot. She WANTS to be "apart" from others. She will always find a reason.
momof4 at January 23, 2015 2:58 PM
Hey, Priscilla Ward: Suck it up.
Radwaste at January 23, 2015 3:27 PM
Note to Priscilla:
"Hey Girl! Get over your self. No body gives a shit."
Seriously, I stop reading when I read this part:
"I eat my leftover fried chicken outside the office."
Sometimes the stereotypes are in your own head and you want to think everyone else is against you or even thinking about you.
Obama is a narcissist; Priscilla, what's your excuse?
And, lastly, "Priscilla" What's up with the typical white woman's name? You need to blame your parents/guardians for that one.
charles at January 23, 2015 8:51 PM
"in the U.S., at least, being white means not thinking about one's color,"
Until one works or goes to college with a minority. Then one learns quickly one must walk on eggshells around them lest they accuse one of racism.
dee nile at January 24, 2015 8:56 AM
To dee nile: The only that time that happened to me was at a workplace full of temps involving a woman in her 20s(?) but who acted like a hostile 15-year-old toward a lot of people (despite her having four separate simultaneous jobs, somehow). Not surprisingly, she eventually was refused when she tried to return to that temp job.
Very often, it's just a matter of remembering not to jump to ANY conclusions - or even just not making personal remarks, as Lewis Carroll's seven-year-old Alice noted in chapter 7. (In today's world, many people confuse such rude behavior with being "helpful" or friendly.)
A Miss Manners example, from 1979:
Q: Can you tell me a tactful way of letting a friend know that she is getting too fat?
A: Can you tell Miss Manners a tactful reason for wanting to do so?
lenona at January 24, 2015 12:01 PM
For what it's worth, the highest rated comments at Salon are not very sympathetic to Ward.
lenona at January 25, 2015 11:09 AM
"A Miss Manners example, from 1979:
Q: Can you tell me a tactful way of letting a friend know that she is getting too fat?
A: Can you tell Miss Manners a tactful reason for wanting to do so?"
I can: you don't want to see them riding a chair around WalMart, having eaten themselves into ill health; to see them lose a limb to diabetes; to see them victimized by thugs due to being an easy target; to see them hurt badly in car crash or household accident because the extra weight stresses connective tissue; to see them in hospital for knee or hip replacement due to poor diet and overload; to see them on oxygen from heart failure decades before their time; to see them shunned as they abandon personal hygiene or are perceived as doing so; to see their relationship(s) DIE because the weight changes everything they do.
All of these things happen.
If you are just 25 pounds overweight, you are carrying the equivalent of a concrete cinder block around with you everywhere you go. That's not fun, and such people who get there are fooling themselves.
Radwaste at January 25, 2015 5:00 PM
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