I'm absolutely appalled by your response to "Fatty With A Dream," the woman whose boyfriend hasn't touched her in over a year because she gained 40 pounds. Contrary to what you wrote, it isn't unrealistic to expect your boyfriend to be attracted to you after you've gained weight. Also, it was absolutely unnecessary to tell her that she has "put on the equivalent of a 5-year-old child" or that she has gone up "a tent size." I think what needed to be said was this: "Dear FWAD, A woman's sex appeal has more to do with her confidence than her waist size. A woman, no matter what her size, is infinitely more attractive if she truly loves herself and how she looks. If your boyfriend can't appreciate you as you are, he's not worth it. Many men find curves on a woman to be highly attractive and desirable. The more you love yourself, the more others will as well!

It sounds so higher consciousness to say inner beauty is what really matters, but in the real world, you don't spot somebody at party and want to rip their clothes off because they look like the type to sweep an old lady's walk or read to the blind.

Because I give advice for the real world, I told this woman the truth: Male sexuality is highly visual, and male lust usually has a weight limit. At a certain point, "more of me to love" becomes "way too much of me to lust after." Or, in the words of one of my blog commenters: "My sister once asked her husband, 'Would you still love me if I weighed 400 pounds?' He replied, 'From a distance.'"

Of course, it's the height of political incorrectitude to advise a fat woman that she'd be more attractive if she lost weight, or even to call her fat. She's just "differently weighted," a "person of width!" And sure, those would be appropriate ways to refer to this woman if her fatness were a birth defect, or if she came down with conjunctive fatty-itis. But, like most people who are fat, she doesn't have a thyroid condition or "metabolic issues"; she just neglected to close her mouth when her hands were full of Ho Hos.

When a woman snacks herself up 40 pounds and her boyfriend's refusing to touch her, about the last thing she needs to hear is "Confidence is sexy!" Trust me, her girlfriends are already reassuring her, "It's okay, you have a really pretty face" (while thinking that they're having a little trouble finding her face in all that fat). It's easier to say whatever makes somebody feel good in the moment, but that only prolongs their misery. It's kinder to tell the truth, in stark terms -- that the pot they see at the end of their rainbow is actually the kind that flushes. They can choose to change or accept the consequences, but at least they're clear on the consequences; in this case, that keeping the weight probably means losing the boyfriend and having a really hard time landing another. Yes, there are many men who "find curves on a woman to be highly attractive and desirable," but not a whole lot who feel the same way about folds.

My friends are slobs. They have huge, overflowing recycling piles, several-day-old plates of crusty food in various rooms, heaps of dirty laundry, random nails and screwdrivers across the floor from unfinished projects, and dirt and dead bugs behind small appliances in their kitchen. They also have a newborn baby. Aside from the mess, they're excellent parents, but if Child Services ever showed up, I'm certain they'd take the kid. Should I say something?

Just because they're slobs doesn't mean they'll let the kid crawl through a field of rusty nails (on his way to lick all the outlets and get his little fist around Baby's First Oxycodone).

It is possible that their protective parent hard-wiring will fire up, and they'll make their place more "shabby chic" than "recently ransacked." In case they don't, you and a few friends could offer your collective help to "babyproof" the home ("babyproof" being easier on the ego than "Why not just give the kid a nail gun to play with and be done with it?") On the bright side, being too clean (I'm talking to you, Purell freaks) might negatively affect a child's defenses against pathogens. According to behavioral ecologist Marlene Zuk, kids with pets, kids who go barefoot, and kids living on farms get sick less and have a lower incidence of allergies and asthma. Unfortunately, researchers have yet to find evidence that snacking on wood glue or teething on a variety of Phillips-head screwdrivers bolsters the immune system.

In the two years I've been with my boyfriend, I've gained 40 pounds. I was unemployed, got lazy, blah, blah, blah. I've been trying to slim down without success, probably because I feel so bad about myself now. But, is it normal for a man to withdraw all affection when his partner gains weight? My boyfriend hasn't kissed me or had sex with me in over a year. He won't even put his arm around me. He'll hug me if I ask him, but that's all. Aren't you supposed to love your partner for who they are, even if they gain weight or get cancer and have chemo and lose their hair? I'm certain he isn't cheating, and he says he doesn't want to break up. But, say I lose weight, and he regains interest. Can I ever forgive him for what he's put me through?

In two years, you've put on the equivalent of a 5-year-old child about to outgrow his car seat. That isn't going up a dress size; it's going up a tent size.

Love might be blind, but male lust usually has a weight limit. There are those guys who are fatty fanciers, but a guy who got together with you 40 pounds ago probably isn't one of them. Male sexuality is highly visual. Women tend to feel superior for not caring as much about looks, but we're all just acting on marching orders from our genes. While most women are picky about men's height, women across cultures prioritize finding a partner with money and mojo. In other words, a big compromise for you probably isn't having sex with a fat guy, but sticking with a guy who quits his high-powered job to become a Hare Krishna and sell flowers at the airport.

Yeah, sure, "real women have curves," but these days, far too many real women's curves also have folds. The sad thing is, if you're like so many Fatty Pattys desperately trying to lose weight, you've probably been approaching it all wrong -- thanks to the advice of your doctor, Dr. Oz, much of the medical establishment, and numerous supposed scientists at prestigious universities. It's actually obscene how many "authorities" lazily and intransigently promote hearsay-based dietary medicine; for example, claiming saturated fat consumption causes heart disease when the evidence for that simply doesn't exist.

For actual evidence-based science on losing weight, sans hunger and suffering, turn to Dr. Michael Eades' blog at proteinpower.com and to investigative science journalist Gary Taubes' exhaustively researched book Good Calories, Bad Calories. Taubes shows that it's carbohydrates -- sugar, flour, and easily digested starches like potatoes -- that drive the excess insulin secretion that puts on fat. Per Taubes' title, it seems a calorie is not a calorie, and the fewer carbs you eat, the slinkier you will be. If this sounds like the Atkins Diet, that's because it basically is. As Taubes told me, "Doctors have been saying Atkins is a quack for so long, they never bothered to check whether he actually got the science right. Unfortunately, he did and they didn't."

I'll let your friends go on about how your boyfriend's a horrible person, and how love should transcend all. The reality is, it often doesn't. Besides, you didn't get cancer; you got a trough of Haagen-Dazs, stuck your snout in, and didn't look up for two years straight. Now, maybe your boyfriend's affection strike is utterly unconnected to your weight, but chances are, he's angry and resentful that he's got a girlfriend whose panties are beginning to resemble a parasail. So, why isn't he putting his arms through the leg slots and sailing off a tall building to safety? Maybe he still loves you; maybe he's too lazy to leave. Or, maybe he's trying to drive you away because he feels bad about breaking up over your looks -- or even suggesting you step down as International Hausfrau of Pancakes: "Hey, Buffet Queen, either lose your 40 pounds or wave goodbye to my 175."

Since gaining 40 pounds isn't "Got a little absent-minded while holding a bag of Doritos," it seems it wasn't an empty stomach you were trying to fill. Clearly, you not only need to lose weight but to deal with why you packed it on. Whether your boyfriend will come around and whether you'll forgive him is anyone's guess. Whether you're willing to put up with a boyfriend who won't put out -- not even a hug, without being asked -- is the looming question at present. Whatever you decide, it helps to accept that, as a woman, you need to do the very best you can with what you have. Sure, inner beauty counts for a lot, but it isn't slimming. And while the average guy doesn't want Kate Moss, he isn't into Kate Moose, either.

This column generated a snowstorm of letters and e-mail -- mostly angry ones from women, and a few complementary ones (thanking me for telling the truth).

I don't recall getting even one angry letter from a man. In fact, most were along the lines of this e-mail that came a couple days ago:

Amy,

  I am so SOO glad you are, at least the one single woman, who can see something (FAT) for what it is. I am soooo tired of hearing, reading and seeing women "circle the wagons" around a female friend of theirs that gets fat and then tell them it's a man's fault for it or it's all men who are pigs for finding themselves attracted to someone who has the pride to keep themselves in shape.

  I can only speak to what I see around me, and I've traveled my entire life outside of the U.S.A. and let me tell you that American women, by and large (you'll pardon the pun) are the largest women out there.

  While women in America are young (late teens through very early 30s) they tend to rely on their biology to keep them in shape ....never once maintaining any sort of fitness regime nor eating healthy after their "sporting days" in high school.

  During this time, just like men, they are sewing their "wild oats", enjoying all the attention and finding much sport with their picking and choosing of amorous suitors with hardly a never-mind to whose feelings might be hurt along the way as they let who they want to into bed and who they don't.

  Then suddenly one day they wake up and realize that that they've gained a substantial amount of weight and aren't the "youngest pretty thing" in the room at the party any more.

   SUDDENLY ...all men are pigs!  ...for not seeing them for who they are and appreciating them below the surface of the ample flesh they now present to the community and I feel no compassion for any of them for the simple fact that there was none on display by them before.

  No I'm not a jaded male, I simply have clear eyes and can see all around me and the scenario plays out time and time again. All they need to do is exercise and eat healthy.

   ....But much like the word "Fat", to them the word "exercise" carries the same horrors. As the old saying goes, "You can't have your cake and eat it too".

  Thank you ever soo much for telling women what we've been saying forever. Loose the weight (Nobody was born FAT) and we'll be all over you. Don't and you can hang out with your girlfriends and enjoy the heck out of the pity-party ya'll are throwing but I'll be staying in shape and talking to the "new girl" that just walked in with the nice personality.

  God Bless you!
  Kyle Harmon

P.S. If you do me the honor of including any of this (paraphrase to your hearts' content) in your column now or in the future, at least women will see that we are not pigs, can be monogamous but did not sign up to be living with "your mother" in bed next to us.

I love how you write about the evolutionary psychology driving us, like your recent bit on how women across cultures prioritize money and mojo in men. So, what do you think about the Tiger Woods scandal? Was this just a man being true to his genes? Or, is there more to it than that, since most other men aren't running around to the extent he was?

People are speculating that Tiger has a "sex addiction," when all the ordinary guy can usually be accused of is a porn addiction. What separates the sex addicts from the porn addicts? Being rich enough to get the girls in 3-D.

You'll hear people sneer that gay men are promiscuous. And they are. All men are. Unfortunately for straight guys, women's timeline for putting out is typically three dates, not three minutes or whenever the stall is free, whichever comes first. Men evolved to want sexual variety far more than women do. Evolutionary psychologists Alan S. Miller and Satoshi Kanazawa write in Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters that a man who has sex with 1,000 women in a year can potentially produce 1,000 children. "In sharp contrast, if a woman has sex with 1,000 men in a year, she can have only one child (barring a multiple birth)." In other words, "there's little reproductive benefit for women in seeking lots of sex partners," while, as my blog commenter "sterling" put it, "Men like sex the same as women like shoes. No matter how many cool shoes you already have, you want different shoes."

So, Tiger's really no different from Henry the Eighth or Fred, the fifth guy on the left. Henry had to practice what could be called "rolling monogamy" -- beheading one wife before marrying the next. Fred might cheat with the occasional cocktail waitress -- if he gets really, really lucky. But, beyond being a bazillionaire, a golf virtuoso, and boyishly handsome, Tiger's famous. Really, really famous. And even just being borderline famous seems to be a wildly potent aphrodisiac (after all, women chase Gary Coleman).

It isn't wrong for a guy to want his sex life to be all "I love a parade"; he just needs to figure that out before he marries the nice Swedish woman and makes babies with her. George Clooney, for one, sets a good example. If media reports are correct, he tells the ladies he isn't the committing kind, and when it's over with Francesca he moves on to Elisabetta -- with no need for apologies before the international press and his mom.

Of course, Tiger had to publicly apologize for the bimbo malfunction because he isn't just Tiger the guy who plays golf, but a role model who has countless people depending on him for their livelihoods. If he weren't, he could either have said nothing or said what I suspect is the truth: "I'm not sorry for having sex with all those models, escorts, and busty wafflehouse waitresses. I loved every minute of it. I'm sorry I got caught. But, I'd do it again. And, hope to in the future."

Is there a lesson in this? There is, for the ladies. Women who marry rich, powerful men should recognize that there's a strong temptation for those men to cheat -- especially during the horndog 20s and early 30s. Women can ignore this if they want, or tell themselves their love will make the difference. Or, they can decide the homes, the cars, the yachts, and annual trips to the cheating husband section of the diamond mine are compensation enough.

Since many marriages fail, what do you think of the idea that wedding gifts should only be given after the two-year mark, to celebrate a couple making it past the "honeymoon stage."

Don't stop there, Mr. Realist. Avoid giving Christmas presents to family members in high-risk occupations: "No iPod for you, electrical line worker!" Keep tabs on friends with unhealthy habits: "Oh, wait, you're smoking again? Gimme back that sweater." Wedding invitations generally say something like "Come celebrate Don and Donna's happy day," not "Take the risk that your investment in their marriage will be a lasting one." Pragmatism is wise if you're getting a new transmission, but in certain areas of life, it's plain ugly. Could you maybe do the warm, generous thing, and extend your good wishes in the form of a toaster? Even if they end up hating each other, it may still come in handy (maybe one can throw it out the window at the other). If you're just cheap, and prefer never to be invited to another wedding, give the happy couple a beautifully wrapped package with a note inside: "If you don't hate each other in two years, call me and I'll buy you a lead-crystal turtle."

My wife has gone baby crazy. She's demanding I get her pregnant -- between screaming "You're a horrible person," "I know why your ex cheated on you," and "You're a cold and heartless machine." We're both 42, and have been married for eight months. Last year, she had a miscarriage. She's always been difficult, but things have gotten really bad. A counselor we're seeing deemed her a "loose cannon." He said we should get our relationship healthy, then consider having a baby, and set up rules for us that my wife ignores. Last time I reminded her we agreed to wait on the baby, she called me "pure evil," and for the third time, threw her engagement and wedding rings at me and said to sell them. She says if we don't have a child right away, she'll hold me responsible. Obviously, the dynamic here isn't good, but the real problem is she can be amazingly sweet and giving. These extremes really scare me, for our future as a couple and as possible parents.

Should you bring a child into the world with a raging psycho who can occasionally be nice? Um...well...sure...assuming you've already struck out with all the crack-addicted prostitutes. ("Aww, look, little feller's got his daddy's eyes and his mommy's Hep C.")

While other guys' wives spend long hours reading self-help books, yours apparently favors how-to guides to totalitarianism ("The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Despots"?). Now, it is possible some of her behavior traces to some postpartum-type upset; maybe hormones running wild after her miscarriage. Then again, you made it clear in our e-mail exchange that she was rather witchy prepartum. Sure, it's tough for a woman who sees her eggs on the reduced-for-quick-sale rack. But, clearly, there's something radically wrong here -- something that begs for more intervention from a mental health professional than a set of rules. Regarding her ticking clock (with the loose cannon attachment), there are a lot of things you can call a woman who goes off on you like she does, but let's hope the last thing anybody'll be calling her is "Mommy."

As for what she calls you, we all get embarrassed by the little names our partners give us when emotion takes over; you know, Booboo, Sweetiepants, Pookie, or, in your case, Pure Evil, and Cold and Heartless Machine. You've spent so long with an exploding woman -- an emotional blackmailer who tries to hell-state you into meeting her demands -- that the nasty life has become normal life. In fact, the way you put it (from your hotel room in Stockholm syndrome), the real problem is that she's "amazingly sweet and giving" -- when she isn't nearly putting your eye out with her rings. You need to recognize her behavior for what it is -- domestic violence that can lead to more serious violence, should she run out of expensive jewelry to bean you with and reach for something a little heavier.

It's fine by me if you want to hang around looking for the good in some woman while she bends silverware with her screams, but you and your wife aren't just two people making each other miserable. One of you is desperately trying to make a third person. You need to do everything in your power to see that your as-yet-unborn child remains unborn. While I'm not usually one to explicitly advise people to end relationships, in your case, let me make this perfectly plain: Get out before she straps you down, hooks up the vacuum cleaner, and takes your sperm.

My ex-husband and I were married for 19 years. We've been divorced for two, and have two sons, 17 and 20. He married a woman five years older than my oldest son. Amazingly, that's not my problem. It's that he calls with the pretense of checking on the boys, then talks about old times, and drama old and new. I realize his wife's so young that he can't start conversations with "remember when," but I need to move on with my life.

You, too, need to start a conversation with "Remember when," as in, "Remember when you divorced me and married that other woman?" He could be delving into the milestones of her life, like where she was when Britney and Justin called it quits. Not surprisingly, he seems to prefer adult conversation with a woman who knows who he is and where he's been. Inform him, kindly and politely, that from now on, you'll only talk about the children; that is, the children you gave birth to. He's made his bed, and tucked a very young woman into it, and it's time he focused on things they have in common, like how 10 years ago, he was driving carpool and she was riding in one.

I was a woman-using jerk in my 20s, but I mended my ways, stopped chasing arm-candy, and sought a relationship with substance. This woman from college supplies exactly what I should want. However, on our first date, she said her last boyfriend cheated on her, and she's "quit playing the game." She's also chosen a lifestyle as "one of the guys," even talking and carrying on like them. (A lesbian soccer team mistakenly invited her to join.) Instead of trying to entice me, she was blunt on date one, challenging me to accept or reject her as a girlfriend. She even put out with no work from me. We do have many shared interests, and started a relationship, but something's missing. Maybe if she'd been more mysterious, a little hard-to-get, I'd be more into her. Or, if she'd dress sexy instead of jocky-frumpy. When I've gingerly addressed these issues, she thinks I'm trying to "modify" her. I guess she has this fairytale script where Superman sweats being with Frumpy Betty because he's "so deep." But, I'm not Superman -- just a typical dude whose wandering mind keeps getting infatuated with girls who are smiley-cute and flirty.

When people ask, "So, how'd you two lovebirds meet?" you don't want them guessing your answer will be something along the lines of "Standing next to each other at the urinal."

Some women find a nice guy; some women just become one. Unfortunately, a woman won't keep a guy from cheating on her by wearing Carhartt or buying her lingerie in packs of three in the men's department. Some guys do like the sportier girls -- the kind who camp and wear boots made for walking, and not just for those perilous 26 steps from the car to the restaurant. But, even for those guys, there have to be hints of girlyness -- enough so you can tell who's the girl and who's the boy without doing a look-see down everybody's Levis. Besides, as you surely know, it's hard enough being faithful to a really sexy woman, let alone one whose idea of staging a seduction involves undoing the top button of her flannel work jacket and burping suggestively.

Men like to chase things. They're the hunters of the species. They don't like to be gathered. But, we live in modern times! Yes, we do, but psychologically, we're all still living in the cave. So, you want to want your girlfriend, but she never even gave you the chance to try to deal her into bed. All it took was complying as she dragged you there. Then this relationship fell on you like the house in "The Wizard of Oz." You never got to experience falling for her (which probably wouldn't have happened anyway, considering she shops exclusively in The I Don't Care Collection, and had an entire lesbian soccer team under the impression that the last thing she wants to do is attract a man).

As bad as you feel about being with girls for their hotitude alone, you aren't a better guy for sticking with this one for her lack of it. In fact, this supposedly noble act of yours has unhappy ending written all over it. A wiser, kinder approach is coming up with six or seven bare minimums for what you need in a partner -- the stuff you can't live without, from looks to character. You can have a relationship of substance -- once you admit that it has to include substances like lipgloss, and a girlfriend who can get in touch with her feminine side without hiring a private detective.

I'm still in contact, via e-mail, with a guy I met on a dating site a year ago. We went out twice, on a platonic basis. We've discussed making plans for this weekend. If he doesn't call, I may go out with another guy. Because I don't feel as strongly about the newer guy, should I first find out what feelings, if any, the dating site guy has for me, and discuss that? I'd feel like a bit of a "cheat" if something happened with guy number two.

Here you are, two lovers, torn asunder by fate -- or rather, the fact that one lover totally forget about the existence of the other until he got a little high and dry on JDate. What do you tell guy number one? Well, first you wait for him to call. Then, if he asks you out, tell him a time that works for you. Period. Men are not known as the chattier sex. In fact, it's usually safe to assume they don't want to talk about it. Even if they're in a relationship with you. And especially if they're in a relationship with you that's best described as "We're still in contact, via e-mail."