Putting The Spark Plugs In The Relationship
Five years ago, My Love and I shared our first kiss. Since then, we've been seeing each other three times a week for an hour. We spend this hour in his truck being intimate. We love each other. We talk about getting married, how we'll spend our retirement years, where we'll live, what our lives will be like. Unbidden, he promised that last year's Christmas would be the last we'd spend apart, that our life together would begin this year. I've been ready for this step for three years. But, as the months fly by, he speaks less of this, and I'm increasingly despondent that we've wasted another year. We're both married to other people. Neither of us has children. I know our lives are complicated, but doesn't it come down to knowing what you want? Should I wait to see if he will be true to his promise?
--Waiting For My Love
Men sometimes make extravagant gestures for love. Heathcliff wandered the moors calling Cathy's name until he froze to death. King Edward VIII ditched the throne to marry Wallis Simpson. Emperor Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as an "elegy in marble" to his late wife. And then there's your guy, who has yet to spring for sheets, pillowcases, and a headboard.
Sorry, but you don't have a relationship; you have sex in a guy's truck. You can call the guy "My Love," but he's given you no reason to believe he'll make good on his promise to take your relationship to the next level (the sidewalk?) by Christmas 2010 -- or Groundhog Day 2020. You know very well that this is one of the oldest stories in the world. Yeah, sure, he'll leave his wife for you. Eventually. When the time is right. When the moon is in the seventh house, and dogs fly and pigs read aloud from the encyclopedia.
Your guy has the wheels; the thing that's stopping him from speeding to a divorce lawyer is probably the same thing that always has: any need whatsoever to do it. Five years in, you have yet to demand (or even ask) that he leave his wife -- let alone hop out of the truck and take you to Denny's. And sorry to say it, but other women walk away with $50 for the service you're providing. What do you go home with, more pretty talk about how you'll spend your retirement years? (Lemme guess: feeding the meter?)
Not surprisingly, you spin this in the way that protects your ego: This is your great love, not pretty good sex in a Walmart parking lot. The truth is, you don't even know the guy outside the confines of the truck cab. Clinging to your fantasy future with him allows you to duck the looming questions in your present: What do you have with your husband, and should you try to repair your marriage or get out? Be honest about your situation and what you need to do. That's how you might someday have a Love who makes good on his promises -- and not just the easy ones, like moving a little to the side so you won't go back to the office with "Built Ford Tough" pressed into your left calf.
I've been ready for this step for three years.
I think this is the key sentiment in all of these "I love him, he promises he'll leave his wife soon, how much longer do I wait?" letters. Yes, you've been ready for this step. Guess what? I'm ready for Clive Owen to knock on my door with two tickets to Bali. Unlikely, to say the least, especially considering I've made no moves to translate my readiness into actual action.
You could voice your readiness, but that might lead to Your Love booting your ass out of his truck. No, you think it's better to keep your feet firmly planted on the dash of his F150 and dream of what could be if only he'd come to his senses. That's safer on the old ego, and it's just fear. Fear of actually focusing on your problems with your life and your husband, which you avoid by imagining some great, tragic love story with a guy in a truck. You're not a WWII wife, waiting for your love to come back from Iwo Jima in one piece, no matter how flowery the language in your letter.
You don't really want him to leave his wife for you. If he did, you'd have to face the fact that you don't really love him and are trying to preserve your self-image by talking yourself into thinking you love him. Fear isn't a bad thing, Waiting. It helps us to identify the problems we need to work on. Embrace the fear, not the guy in the pickup.
disclaimer: I do not as of yet have any plans to stalk Clive Owen. Just in case his people are reading this.
NumberSix at October 26, 2010 10:41 PM
other women walk away with $50 for the service you're providing.
Not that I've priced it personally, but from what I hear the going rate is a hell of a lot higher than that.
Rex Little at October 26, 2010 11:15 PM
Amy, do you ever read letters from someone and feel like saying something totally unhelpful.
Two people, both cheating on their spouses, hooking up with each other. And the woman writes you, without the tiniest degree of remorse about what she's doing to her husband.
All she talks about is her despondency over the fact that he hasn't proposed yet. "How do I not pity thee? Let me count the ways."
That will be a story to tell the kids..."He slid out of the back seat of his extended cab, got down on one knee in the trash-strewn alley between Michelin and Walgreen's, as a large rat skittered by..."
I'd have written her back and told her to keep waiting, and try parking the truck in different venues to bring variety to the relationship...then recommended a few places with well-lit parking lots.
Patrick at October 27, 2010 12:40 AM
...then called the police on them!
Patrick at October 27, 2010 12:43 AM
LW needs to keep one thing in mind....If they'll do it WITH you, they'll do it TO you!
Jan at October 27, 2010 1:32 AM
This reads a bit like a joke. I hope it IS a joke!!!
NicoleK at October 27, 2010 1:54 AM
Priceless! More like these please!
Peter at October 27, 2010 2:11 AM
Patrick, I think you hit this one on the head. LW is cheating on her husband with a man who's cheating on his wife, and she wants to know if this is Real Love and if He'll Be True? While I understand that letters to Ms. Alkon are edited for space and clarity, this LW comes off as really, really oblivious.
Old RPM Daddy at October 27, 2010 4:27 AM
No, you think it's better to keep your feet firmly planted on the dash of his F150 and dream of what could be if only he'd come to his senses.
Now that, NumberSix, is a great line :) But I finally disagree with you about something and can say that Clive Owen holds no attraction for me tickets for Bali or not. Everything else you said is about right.
Since then, we've been seeing each other three times a week for an hour.
Hmmm...I'd like to share something with you LW if you're reading. I fell for a stripper (stop laughing everyone, please!). She was interested and there was obvious mutual attraction but she was worried about her job, they sack them on the spot for going out with customers. I didn't want it to stay the way it was, had no guarantee I wasn't imagining it. So to find out I told her I wasn't coming back to the club, wouldn't be a customer anymore, and if she wanted to see me outside work to contact me. Which led (long story short) to a three hour phone call - which I note is more time than you spend talking to Your Love in a week when you subtract dirty talk during sex. For me, didn't work out as a relationship but we are now very close friends a year later.
I hope you see the parallels - if he's making these promises, walk and see if he follows. Leave your husband for starters, is he getting to "be intimate" with you three times a week? Tell your lover your new address and tell him to turn up with suitcases. If it doesn't happen you've got your answer.
Unbidden, he promised that last year's Christmas would be the last we'd spend apart, that our life together would begin this year.
And you're writing this in October? I can't talk, I've lost whole years one way or another - but at least I recognise it instead of dressing it up as true love.
Ltw at October 27, 2010 4:59 AM
Not that I've priced it personally, but from what I hear the going rate is a hell of a lot higher than that.
I've seen enough episodes of "Cops" to say that it is sometimes much, much lower.
And, to echo most of the other comments, women like this leave me unsure whether to be angry or just sad.
Lyssa at October 27, 2010 6:03 AM
and I'm increasingly despondent that we've wasted another year.
Wrong pronoun, "*you've* wasted another year".
Should I wait to see if he will be true to his promise?
I realised I didn't really directly answer your question. I'm not really one for ultimatums, but in this case I think it's justified - the answer is no, you shouldn't wait. Tell him it's either come good on his promises or you're gone. Not fun at all I agree, and you probably don't want to do it because you know you'll lose him. Iv sympathise, I've been there. But that's what you have to do. Five years? It's only fair, to you and your respective partners.
Ltw at October 27, 2010 6:22 AM
Should I wait to see if he will be true to his promise?
Being true to one's promise is obviously very important to the LW.
dee nile at October 27, 2010 6:33 AM
Yeah. Neither of you has been true to your promises, so why start now?
MonicaP at October 27, 2010 7:01 AM
I didn't realize they had already made a sequel to "Enchanted," WHEN DID THIS COME OUT AND HOW DID I MISS IT?
Razor at October 27, 2010 7:12 AM
LW and her "Love" truly deserve each other.
Flynne at October 27, 2010 7:57 AM
LW and her "Love" truly deserve each other.
For some reason, when I read the letter, I pictured the "People of Wal-Mart."
Pirate Jo at October 27, 2010 8:05 AM
I have nothing but contempt for people who cheat on their spouses. What a stupid, selfish bitch. She needs to leave her husband so that he can find someone worth his time. How pathetic can one person be? Clearly the LW has no conscience or self-worth. You have to be pretty stupid to stay with a man who only uses you for sex and is too cheap to spring for a hotel room. She must only have remained married so that she would have someone to fall back on if her fuck-buddy leaves her.
There is nothing wrong with fuck-buddies and I have used my share of men for sex but I would never stoop so low as to lie and cheat just so I could be some guy's chump-fuck.
Ingrid at October 27, 2010 8:22 AM
Somehow when I read that the first time I missed the first words. I thought I was reading about some high-school girl til I saw they are both married. Three hours a week for five years? True love indeed.
Amy, I remember reading that you don't print these letters right off the bat as they come to you, but damn! This one is hard to take seriously.
Pricklypear at October 27, 2010 8:22 AM
'For some reason, when I read the letter, I pictured the "People of Wal-Mart."'
...Me, too.
I'm really disgusted by this one. Good thing neither one of them has children. Since LW is so self-absorbed, she might want to go ahead and begin initiating a divorce right now so she can walk away with something from her marriage... the courts typically don't look with favor upon women who get caught cheating. Oh, and hope she doesn't live in a small town...
ahw at October 27, 2010 8:27 AM
LW and her "Love" truly deserve each other.
For some reason, when I read the letter, I pictured the "People of Wal-Mart."
Gee, PJ, thanks for the image of the "People of Wal-Mart." having sex in a truck. As if the "People of Wal-Mart." pictures aren't disturbing enough on their own.
Steamer at October 27, 2010 8:49 AM
Wait a minute. I just figgered it out. She's keeping the "spark" in the relationship, as mentioned in today's blog.
Pricklypear at October 27, 2010 8:55 AM
But instead of Pookie, she can call him Sparky.
Pricklypear at October 27, 2010 8:56 AM
Steamer, I'll bet they both have mullets! ;-D
Pirate Jo at October 27, 2010 8:59 AM
"We are both married to other people"
So, do you confess first, or get tested for STDs and then confess? Modern romance is far too complicated for an old guy like me.
MarkD at October 27, 2010 10:04 AM
Erm... this is a put up job. Right? A work of fiction from someone whose life ambition is to be on Jerry Springer. Or else...
“Imagine how dumb the average person is….and then realize….that half the population is dumber than that.”
George Carlin
LauraGr at October 27, 2010 10:33 AM
Letterwriter, you are a lying, cheating fool who needs to develop some honesty in your dealing with the world.
Start with yourself: a man is having sex with you, but doesn't want to marry you. He would if he did.
Next, go to your husband and explain to him that your are lying, cheating fool, and that you will no longer lie to him. Then pack your bags and leave, as you really should have done 5 years ago.
Finally, don't tell lies in the future to people who treat you well, like your husband presumably does. They don't deserve that treatment.
But you will not do any of that, will you? You just wanted Ms. Alkon to validate your choices, like a child would want.
Spartee at October 27, 2010 10:40 AM
LOL. Just wait until some real karma begins to kick in. Anyone remember the fellatio in the buick scenerio from John Irving's "The World According to Garp"? Somethin like that...
Cindy at October 27, 2010 12:52 PM
We're both married to other people.
LW, you are an idiot. But, fortunately, you don't have to stay an idiot. Drop your fellow idiot, go back to your husband, and work through your latent issues with him, whatever they may be, like an adult.
mpetrie98 at October 27, 2010 1:57 PM
Anyone remember the fellatio in the buick scenerio from John Irving's "The World According to Garp"? Somethin like that...
Good call!
MeganNJ at October 27, 2010 2:12 PM
I'm torn; the romantic in me wants to believe Amy wrote the question herself. The cynic thinks it's a real person who desperately needs to be hit with a clue-by-four.
Rob McMillin at October 27, 2010 2:33 PM
This woamn doesnt sound too ethical. Anyone remeber that case a few years back, a woman went to jail after her husband shot and killed her boyfriend becuase she claimed she was being raped.
I wonder how qiuckly her "Love" would turn into her "Rapist" were her Husband to catch them in the act
lujlp at October 27, 2010 2:44 PM
I don't think she minds that he hasn't left his wife. Something about this works for her... Why hasn't SHE left her husband? Is she afraid of being single? Or is she putting the responsibility for the state of her marriage in his hands? "I'd have divorced my husband if my lover wasn't stringing me along. See? I'm not the bad guy here!"
5 years? Doesn't she have a shred of a conscience? Or does "True love" erase that?
Cam at October 27, 2010 3:13 PM
Why hasn't SHE left her husband? Is she afraid of being single?
Because New Stud hasn't started paying her bills yet? That'd be my guess.
dee nile at October 27, 2010 5:01 PM
I'm sure Shakespeare wrote a play about this.
ie at October 27, 2010 5:56 PM
Right, got it.
Love's Labours Lost
or
A Comedy of Errors?
ie at October 27, 2010 5:59 PM
@Ltw: A stripper? Really? I won't laugh, but would you be offended if I chortled? I'll do it in private, honest:)
Btw, love to hear more about this!
ie at October 27, 2010 6:06 PM
Chortling is ok ie :) And yes, really. She's a very pretty, sweet and intelligent 21 year old and we just formed a strong connection over time. It's a really long and complicated story though so I'll leave out the details. It took three months and never going back to a club I used to go to every week or two to convince her to go out with me. Ok, she turned me down in the end, but she was attracted to me despite the 15 year age difference. Anyway, we are very good friends now a year later - although it's been very stormy at times! Things have settled down and we understand each other better now, and rely on each other a lot when we're in trouble. Two hour phone calls are common (once or twice a week), even if it's just chatting. She's never seen a customer outside work before or since, so I must be doing something right :) Although most who ask her expect to have it both ways and see her at work the next week. Which was pretty much my point to the LW - if he's Your Love, take the risk, be single, take the consequences if you're wrong. I was willing to, and I'm not real good at letting go.
Ltw at October 28, 2010 3:15 AM
But if you do want one juicy detail ie, when I first asked her out for dinner she was sitting naked on my lap :)
I hope you realise that's all gone now. It's a job not a lifestyle, and I'm part of her life now not a customer.
Ltw at October 28, 2010 3:20 AM
Yeah. This "romance" is pretty nauseating. Let's hope there are no kids involved.
On the other hand, guys can be a lot worse at this sort of thing. They'll pine away forever for someone they had two short conversations with sophomore year in high school.
kevin_m at October 28, 2010 6:44 AM
On the other hand, guys can be a lot worse at this sort of thing. They'll pine away forever for someone they had two short conversations with sophomore year in high school.
Oh, that's no lie. When I was 25, I dated a fellow 25-year-old who was still hung up on his high school girlfriend. SEVEN YEARS! He was still an angry bitter man about it after seven years! He remembered every little incident like it was yesterday.
I have never known a woman who clung to the past for that long. Women tend to fall in love much more quickly, get disappointed a lot more often, and shorten their recovery time considerably as they get older.
By the time I got to my 30's, I had it figured out that a break-up was never going to be the end of the world. I knew this because I'd been through so many of them, and even the worst ones were never the end of the world. I got over every single one, figured I would get over any more that came my way, and now if a break-up is what needs to happen, I let the axe fall without flinching. I sure as hell wouldn't be sitting around getting strung along in a dead-end situation for five damn years. I got better things to do!
Pirate Jo at October 28, 2010 8:13 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2010/10/putting-the-spa.html#comment-1772621">comment from Pirate JoOn the other hand, guys can be a lot worse at this sort of thing. They'll pine away forever for someone they had two short conversations with sophomore year in high school.
I've found that to be true. Really sad.
Amy Alkon at October 28, 2010 8:28 AM
Amy, this has to be the most unsympathetic LW ever.
For fuck's sake, I hate her more every time I pop into this thread.
MonicaP at October 28, 2010 11:28 AM
I've found that to be true. Really sad.
As I think about this more, I'm trying to remember just how many times over the years it's happened that I've gone out with a guy and it hasn't worked out, precisely because he was still pining away for someone else. It's pretty understandable if the relationship lasted a long time and only ended recently, but often I found that just the opposite was true. These guys still wanted to get laid and were more than happy to string me along as a "back burner" person, just in case their repeated attempts to get back together with the ex didn't work, and because seeing someone new made them feel better about themselves and propped up their sagging ... er, ... self-esteem. But I'd dump them like hot potatoes as soon as I figured out what was going on, because I wanted to be with someone who was as crazy about ME as THESE guys were about their exes. Nobody wants to be settled for.
But yeah, it started to seem for a while like I either had to date players who never got their hearts broken by anybody, because they didn't care about anybody in the first place, or I had to date guys who had been off the dating scene for several years. And how do you find them? Look for men recently released from jail?
My current sweetheart was married briefly and divorced, but the marriage was awful, he was the one who decided to end it, and they didn't have any kids. I met him about a year after the divorce was final, and he was just starting to think it might be nice to meet someone and start dating again. It's been going just fine for about three and a half years now, and he's definitely a keeper. But timing is everything!
Pirate Jo at October 28, 2010 2:03 PM
@PirateJo: and you know what really sucks? When you've just slept with one of these piners and then they want to use you as a social worker to "share their feelings" about the one that got away.
I'd say more, but, er...I have to go vomit!
ie at October 28, 2010 2:45 PM
Five years ago, My Love and I shared our first kiss.
Amy, do you have to keep a bucket near your computer so you can puke when you read your inbox?
The LW is probably one of those gals that enters poetry contests.
Also, I hate to admit it, but I'd say most guys go thru that hampster phase of pining for a gal from the past. Guilty as charged. But if a fellow is not done with that shit by his mid 20s, avoid that manchild like the plague. Or whack him in the head with a baseball bat.
sterling at October 28, 2010 3:35 PM
ie, I was on Ragbrai about five years ago and struck up a conversation with a good-looking guy. I thought chatting with him would be a nice way to pass a few miles on the road, but all he wanted to do was bitch about his divorce. He even admitted that his friends had adopted the nickname "Bitterman" for him. I could certainly see why. What made it really annoying was that he was an amateur racer, so I couldn't outrun him.
Well, I'm off to watch an episode of 'The Tudors' with My Pug (TM).
Pirate Jo at October 28, 2010 5:22 PM
You have a pug? I knew I liked you.
NumberSix at October 28, 2010 7:53 PM
I pictured the "People of Wal-Mart."
@Pirate jo, ahw, steamer:
Don't be afraid to say something like white t****, or some other derogative terms I don't have the pleasure to know, it's okay. I don't care.
But, please don't insult people that are shopping at walmart. I am one of them. Although it is not top quality, basic stuff do not need to come from macy's or whole food.
And, I also think that the LW should retire from the gene pool. it would be a well-done act of Self-Darwinism.
I think the low scumbag trucker of her should also get ridden of the gene pool (for moral grounds). But At least it appears to me that he is a bit above in the chain food (not in the human community), as he gets to fuck her for free, so he earned (or saved, I am not sure which one to use) 50$*3time/weeks*52weeks*5years = 39 grants. Not bad for an illiterate truck driver (but still a scumbag).
Back to the "walmart people", either you do something for them (like education, or correct wage), or you neuter them (because you consider they are stock). But posturing anonymously on a forum, you are quite the proactive ones, hey?
Welcome back C. Dickens.
PS: angrish not my language, so quit it before being pick-nitty on the grammar.
PS2: in case you choose the second option, you can also read "brave new world".
nick@HOU at October 28, 2010 11:45 PM
nick@HOU is offended by the use of the term "people of walmart" but goes ahead and assumes a truck driver must be illiterate. Pot, kettle.
On the other hand, guys can be a lot worse at this sort of thing. They'll pine away forever for someone they had two short conversations with sophomore year in high school.
I have experience on both ends of this (i.e. being with someone who was still carrying a torch for someone else, and being "the one that got away" - I never considered it was so common, just figured I knew some weird people, lol).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9Mse62NFl4
Thag Jones at October 29, 2010 5:55 AM
Wal-Mart has wine for $3 a bottle, so I have nothing against the place, or the people who shop there.
nick@HOU might not have heard of the famous website, which I was referring to:
www.peopleofwalmart.com
Pirate Jo at October 29, 2010 6:28 AM
@NumberSix, pugs bring a lot of love to this world. All dogs do, really, but pugs are special because they look like cookie jars with legs, and have soft squishy tummies.
Pirate Jo at October 29, 2010 6:42 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2010/10/putting-the-spa.html#comment-1773038">comment from Thag Jonesassumes a truck driver must be illiterate.
One of the very literate people I know is a retired cabinetmaker in Paris who never went to college and I think might not have graduated high school. Last time I saw him, he was reading Hannah Arendt.
Amy Alkon at October 29, 2010 7:41 AM
This one can be edited down to two quick sentences.
"I'm cheating with another lieing, cheating scumbag. Should I expect him to be honest and honorable with me?"
Joe at October 29, 2010 9:00 AM
Cookie jars with legs! I'd never have thought that, but it's so true! Aw, now I'm missing my dearly departed cookie jar with legs, Daphne. Fortunately, I'm now getting my doggie cuddles from my French Bulldog, who looks like a cottontail bunny had an illicit relationship with a bat.
NumberSix at October 29, 2010 1:53 PM
From a biological point of view, give the woman a break. Ever read Patti Stanger?
From a science point of view, she has one thing dead on and it's in the first sentences of her book:
"Every time a heterosexual female sleeps with a man - a good one, a bad one, it doesn't matter, she becomes bonded to that man and no other man can exist for her. This is because the hormone oxytocin starts surging through her veins. So proceed with caution - one good orgasm and your bonds to any Joe Schmo are chemically reinforced. the more sex you have, the stronger the bond."
LW, break the habit.
Tina at October 29, 2010 4:35 PM
It seems obvious that BOTH these people are so desperately unhappy that they are willing to put up with tiny shreds of human existence. It comes through loud and clear in the LW's words.
Some things the LW should be aware of: first, watch out for carbon monoxide poisoning especially in wintertime, if you're spending time in a running vehicle in a cold, snowy hemisphere. Second: Tina on Oct 29 @ 4:35 p.m. hit the nail on the head re: oxytocin, but it's not just women who experience it, though i would say women are prone to feeling it more deeply and more emotionally, afterall, it's the same chemical that bonds mother to baby. Third: LW can't possibly know what his guy is like with so little time spent per week, and i couldn't figure it out, if it was 20 minutes, 3x per week, or 3 full hours per week, and if it's the former, then when do they actually TALK? Nevertheless, in order to get to know someone, you MUST view how they interact with others, ie: service staff, wait staff, teachers, the poor schmuck on the street who bumps into them, and first and foremost, others who share the road with them while they are driving.
If you're in a stationary vehicle with this guy, and you never get out of the truck with him, how can you possibly know who he really is??? Just sayin'.
Bluejean Baby at October 31, 2010 7:27 PM
We're both married to other people. Neither of us has children.
Well, at least they're not breeding.
Yet :-/
Ian at November 1, 2010 10:17 PM
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