My boyfriend lives in Germany, and I'm in Switzerland (a one-hour plane ride away). His close female friend is getting married, and I'm not invited to the wedding. Last spring, when we were broken up for three months, he had a fling with the bride's friend. As a courtesy to the fling woman, I'm blacklisted. Last summer, when we got back together, I asked that he clear up things with his fling immediately, which he agreed to do. Our relationship grew stronger for a couple weeks, and then I learned he was going on vacation with her. (He had already booked the trip and didn't want to cancel!) Fun fact: He wrote me a postcard while away with her. I was incredibly hurt. Only when I screamed at him afterward did he muster the courage to break up with her. Since then, he has been nothing short of wonderful and tells me I'm "the one." I love him, but I'm feeling humiliated by this wedding situation. He has promised to try to persuade the bride to invite me but feels he shouldn't miss her wedding.

What kind of man sends his girlfriend a postcard from his sex vacation with his fling? Well, probably one who got to the gift shop too late to buy her an "I Cheated On You At Euro Disney" snow globe or an "I Had Sex With Another Woman At Lake Lucerne" bobblehead.

Happily, you report that the guy's been "nothing short of wonderful" post-vacation -- save for how quick he was to throw you under the wedding bus "as a courtesy" to his ex-sex friend. Your boyfriend -- let's call him "Werner von Bendover" -- is a suckup of legendary proportions. As hurtful as this has been for you, he probably isn't driven by malevolence, just a crushing need to be liked. This is tough to overcome because it typically traces back to parents who gave conditional love ("I'll love you, you rotten kid, if you dry the dishes"). He has no problem saying no to you -- probably because he feels secure that you love him -- but for everyone else, it's "Shall I lick your boots or just use my toothbrush and a little soapy water?"

A people pleaser is an emotional chameleon, constantly transforming himself into the person he thinks other people want him to be. If your boyfriend ever had values and opinions of his own, they're probably so long gone that he has no idea how to find them. (Too bad you can't look them up on Facebook like an old school chum: "Hey, whassup?!") It was only when you made some squeak of objection about the vacation plans -- letting old Werner know he'd displeased you -- that he flew into action. He wasn't about to cancel and disappoint "the other woman" and his travel agent just to preserve the dignity of the woman he (supposedly) loves. But, he did loop you in with a postcard: "Gerta wore her milkmaid outfit today. Wish you were here!"

Don't you think you deserve a man who treats you more like "the one" than the one he sells out first? If so, the only German you should be with now is a German shepherd -- one you borrow to help you search for the word "dealbreaker," which seems to have been kidnapped from your vocabulary. Likewise, if you find this man "wonderful," it's because you've downgraded your idea of wonderful, and you'd best take a long, wonderful bath in raw sewage so you can contemplate how you'll keep yourself from engaging in anything so wonderful ever again.

A woman I ran into mentioned an affair she had with a man we both know and revealed that he's had many affairs with different women over the past five years. This man's wife is a friend. (We teach at the same school.) Do I tell her about her philandering husband?

The average wife doesn't snoop through her husband's cellphone history because she has a funny feeling that he's got three other families in three other states or that he's a weekend serial killer who dresses up as a clown. But, the possibility that a husband might cheat has to cross every wife's mind. Although a whole lot of wives would want to be told, don't assume that of all wives. If this guy is having serial affairs, he's probably leaving serial evidence -- or at least some evidence. Maybe for this wife, the most comfortable sex position is "head in the sand." Avoid setting yourself up as the cheating husband news agency unless you know her pretty well -- well enough to know whether their marital arrangement is the traditional "Forsake all others..." or "Forsake all others except on Tuesdays when the EconoLodge has a really good deal."

My husband is extremely analytical, to the point where he has a negative or argumentative response to almost anything I say -- including positive or even insignificant things. Then, when he makes some remark, unless I respond with "I agree" or "uh-huh," he debates me. I've repeatedly asked him to stop making everything an argument, but he insists that he's just giving his "honest opinion." I go for counseling, but he refuses to, saying he won't talk to "some stranger" about us. He's turning my happy self into a miserable, depressed self.

Nothing brings out the eighth-grade debate champion in a man like being asked to weigh in on life's big philosophical questions: "What is death, and should we fear it?", "Why is there something rather than nothing?" and "More orange juice, dear?"

How fun that you never know whether you'll be enjoying breakfast with your husband or petitioning him for a new trial. Of course, he knows, as we all do, that there are remarks that aren't meant to be responded to as if one were testifying before Congress. "Nice weather we're having"? Just say "Yes, dear." No need to counter with data on sunspots, cloud cover, and death rates of baby polar bears.

A man doesn't make his wife's every innocuous comment a springboard for an intellectual death match because he's "analytical" and "honest" but because he feels like a skin tag among men. What your husband's showing you isn't love; it's narcissism. The term "narcissist" comes from the story of Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection in the water -- how he appeared, not who he really was. Narcissists are self-absorbed, manipulative users. What they lack in empathy they make up for in a sucking need for admiration. To a narcissist, other people aren't so much people as they are staging areas for the narcissist's greatness.

A loving husband understands that there's a right answer and a more-right answer -- the one that doesn't leave his wife feeling depressed and beaten down. You need to decide whether staying married is more important to you than being happy, because if he is a narcissist, he's unlikely to change. Narcissists rarely agree to therapy, as they can't take the challenge to their manufactured authority or let anyone expose them as the tiny little people they actually are.

You may be able to control your husband's behavior by giving him boundaries for what you'll put up with and being truly willing to walk if he keeps crossing them. But, if that's what your marriage comes down to -- a husband who acts like less of a bully so you won't leave -- is that enough? You could actually have love in your life...if you're with a man capable of loving. That man will watch you as you sleep -- because he can't take his eyes off you, not because he's waiting for you to talk in your sleep so he can shake you awake and correct you: "Honey!...Honey! You are the weakest link."

Use of technology in dating is leaving my single girlfriends bewildered and annoyed. For example, one went on a date with this guy. The date went well, then silence...for two weeks -- until he texted her, inviting her over for dinner. She's irritated that he didn't even call, and that he waited so long, and is considering not accepting. Is texting instead of calling a valid reason to write a guy off?

Not every guy's a talking-on-the-phone person, and that's okay, but there's much to be said for polite timing. Texting a girl the day after a date (even just "great time, call u soon") says a guy's interested. Texting two weeks later says he's explored every other option, including hookers and suicide, and settled for her.

Unless this guy followed up his text by calling from a hospital bed and explaining "A dog ate my iPhone -- and part of my arm," he should no longer be in the running. Behavior predicts behavior. It also illustrates character (like an interest in others' feelings). But, let's say vanishing for two weeks without a word (or even a "wrd") is out of character for this guy. He might've redeemed himself if he'd just manned up -- called to express some remorse for disappearing and apologized. At least then he'd be telling your friend "I know I don't get to do this to you" instead of "You seem like a woman who lets men walk all over her. My turn Tuesday at 7:30? And don't worry, I promise -- no hard-soled shoes or muddy hiking boots until the third date."

A co-worker seems interested in me. This is flattering since he's 48 and I'm 57. He's asked me out on dates a few times -- rather last minute, unfortunately, and I had conflicting plans. He also invited me to join his volleyball club that plays in the park during lunch breaks. The group is all men except for one 30-something woman, who banters a lot with this guy and is grudgingly nice, if not cool, to me. My intuition's sending up caution flags! I don't want to trample over a girl who has feelings for this man. I want nothing to do with causing pain for another woman! Should I just come out and tell this man what my intuition's telling me? Ask him what's up between him and the young woman?

Self-interest is at its most presentable when dressed up in a Florence Nightingale outfit. (You're only worried about causing another woman pain, not whether your crow's-feet are starting to look more like pterodactyl claws.)

The average guy is more likely to be attracted to "Barely Legal!" than "Almost Of Age To Retire To The Home." This particular guy doesn't seem to be average. Sure, he might have invited you to volleyball to be inclusive, but dates -- which he's asked you on -- are very rarely a form of philanthropy. Chances are, the guy's into you, and apparently not for a lack of options. This has to be irritating to the younger woman, who probably thought she'd have the "hot young thing" advantage. Okay, at 30-something, at least the "hot younger thing" advantage. What's a girl in her position to say but "Shoo, grandma!"?

You should worry about causing pain for another woman if you're about to break up her happy home, but you're just breaking up the all-boy/one-girl ratio of the volleyball league and maybe getting the guy. If you're like many women, you not only are uncomfortable with competing, you feel it's mean to try to win -- even if your tactic is just wearing a really good bra, not going after your rival with a medieval battle ax. Probably because women evolved to be the nurturers and cooperators of the species, they tend to feel guilty about going for what they want and resentful if another woman gets it. Although it's nice to be compassionate, deferring to everyone else's desires is no way to go through life. It's good and right to act in your self-interest, assuming you aren't poisoning the rivers or parboiling small children.

Puking your feelings all over this guy's shoes won't settle anything; it's just an impulsive way to relieve pent-up anxiety. (If things weren't awkward between you before, not to worry; they will be.) If you need stress relief, get a squeeze ball or one of those desktop sand gardens with a tiny wooden rake. Because things are always bigger and scarier in the abstract, if you're afraid of being hurt, consider how, exactly, that would play out and whether you can deal. Getting emotionally trampled is painful, but not like being crushed by falling space debris. You go through some miserable-time, and then you lick your wounds and move on. If that's too much for you, retire from relationships to the porch swing at The Home and train for the sort of competition that, at 57, you'll be a shoo-in to win -- the chair yoga/walker push/sponge bath triathlon.

I'm a 5-foot-5-inch man. I know "character is what really matters," and I'm not insecure about my height, just a realist: Many women want a man who's taller than they are. I'm considering getting elevator shoes (height enhancers that look like normal shoes). Obviously, if I started dating a woman, she'd find out. Do you think she'd feel scammed?

There's adding a couple of inches, and there's going from circus act to starting forward. Two inches is the male version of a padded bra. Five is taking a woman's bra off and finding it filled with socks. For many women, any height-faking is an automatic dealbreaker. But, if some woman's very attracted to you as a person but not as a short person, your being able to stand a little taller may keep you in the running to be more than her friend. As for whether women will feel scammed, your attitude probably matters -- whether you project that you just feel better with a little extra elevation or whether you seem ashamed and angry at being small. Confidence does make a short man seem taller. But, keep in mind that some women won't be into you unless you stand taller at all times. That's when your confidence will really come in handy -- when you're the only guy on the beach going for a swim in a pair of cowboy boots.

Recently, you published a letter from a married man complaining about his wife's letting their two young children sleep in their marital bed with them. They'd gone from being a couple who didn't have much sex to a nearly sexless one. You seemed to suggest that the guy bargain for sex from his wife: "Talk about how much sex you'd like, and how much she's willing to provide, and work out a compromise." My question is, "Why bother?" Since they're married, it's unlikely he's a sex object or love object to her. It seems more likely that he's just a trapped meal ticket. If that's the case, he should get his wife to sign an OK for extramarital activity. Life is too short to put up with people who don't appreciate you.

The extramarital sex treaty. Brilliant. A man need only ask his wife to sign on the dotted line, and she'll start rummaging through her purse for her favorite pen. Before long, he'll be stumbling through the door all skanko at 11:30 p.m., and she'll look up from her Sudoku and chirp, "Did you have a nice night with the hookers, dear?"

Yes, life is too short to put up with someone who doesn't appreciate you -- until you and that someone say to each other, "Wouldn't it be totally cute if we made little people who look just like us?!" Divorce eats children and only seems to be the step to take if the parents' marriage is chronically and intensely ugly. In reviewing the body of research on divorce, Dr. Paul R. Amato found that children of divorced parents "score lower ... on measures of academic success, conduct, psychological adjustment, self-concept, social competence, and long-term health." On the bright side, they're usually able to play their parents against each other so they can get more sugary snacks and much cooler toys.

Of course, on a pure fairness level, you don't get to be married to somebody and be all "I'm retiring from sexual activity" -- not unless you answer "That's nice, dear" to your spouse's "I'm just running over to borrow a cup of sex from the lady next door." Fairness aside, sending the husband out to shop elsewhere for nookie is a bad idea. Sex between people in a relationship isn't just a day in naked Disneyland but a way they cleave to each other emotionally and even biochemically and maintain a relationship that goes deeper than a roommate situation with a lifetime lease.

Was I suggesting that they haggle over sex like it's a scarf in a bazaar? Well, yes, but it sounds better when you call it "coming to a marital compromise." By talking about how often he'd like to have sex and how often she's willing to put out, they may stem the resentment that builds up when needs go ignored and find out whether there's anything she needs that he isn't providing. I wrote recently about Dr. Rosemary Basson's breakthrough work on female sexual desire -- how women in long-term relationships sometimes have to start fooling around for desire to come. Even if these two don't know that, if they start scheduling sex dates, they're likely to find out. In the process, they should develop conflict resolution skills beyond simply refusing to put up with anyone who doesn't appreciate them. That idea's great in concept, but take it to its inevitable conclusion and, well, who's going to take care of the millions of children who get dropped off at the fire station with a bag lunch and a note?

I'm 26, and I'm trying to start my own business as an events photographer. To save money, I've moved into my parents' house. I have been dating some and get the feeling that girls aren't so keen that I live with my parents. But then, part of me thinks, so what? I'm saving and doing the right thing.

Living at home puts a certain crimp in sexytime. A woman can't help but picture getting it on with you only to have your mom interrupt with "Hey, you kids, just lift your feet while I vacuum." In this economy, moving in with your parents is somewhat more acceptable than it's been, but 26 is kind of pushing it in many women's eyes. Women look for a man to show potential -- and not just the potential to mooch off his parents for the next five decades. You'll improve your chances with the ladies if you present your current living situation as part of a serious business plan, which suggests that there's light at the end of the basement, and not just from the furnace pilot. That's right; you're a man who's going places. Just as soon as your mom pulls your laundry out of the dryer.