> Yesterday I mispronounced "cumin" while reading a
> recipe, and he had a field day

I guess he wasn't "cumin" later that evening...

Maybe LW just needs to get a sense of humor. I mean, it would be one thing if he was making fun of her for being fat or something personal, but mispronouncing a word is pretty tame. My family makes fun of me for this allll the time and I can't imagine getting upset about it. I guess it depends on whether it's teasing versus mean-spirited, but it's hard to tell from the LW's account--nothing she's described is objectively mean. I think she should dish it back and see how he reacts--can he take as good as he gives, or is he the only one allowed to make jokes? If she can't manage this, then it might be that they just have incompatible senses of humor--but that doesn't mean that it's fault or that he should be expected to change.

It sounds pretty awful actually.

Usually this type, the boyfriend who teases meanly, can dish it out but will be all butthurt if and when the favor is returned.

Oh and Amy, loove the headline on this one.

Hey, I'll tell you another story and let you figure out what you want...

At DragonCon last year, I met the singer of an indie band from Atlanta and his girlfriend, an immaculately-turned-out hottie. Actually, she punked me a bit, posing as a stranger and asking me what I thought of the band, then pointing at the singer and saying, "He's cute. Should I do him?"

I must have passed some sort of test - I found that hilarious - and spent the rest of the weekend off and on at their booth and watching their shows, acoustic and amped, probably ten hours in all.

Because the singer obviously has stage and setup duties, I actually spent more time talking to her. And not once - not once did that girl ever say anything disrespectful of him, not even in jest, not one syllable - and vice versa. It was wonderful to see.

nothing she's described is objectively mean

And that's likely why the LW is having a hard time deciding if she needs to confront him about this. It's not that each individual instance is so bad or mean-spirited, it's that it's a pattern of behavior. A pattern that increases when there are other people around to witness. I'll add another possible reason for his "ribbing": he thinks that by teasing so much, he's proving that their relationship is so solid they have the freedom to joke about such things. It could be he's trying too hard. I think Shannon's advice is spot on, though, as far as her figuring out if he can get like he gives.

I'm a teaser, and I enjoy when people tease me. What I don't do is joke about things that go beyond very minor irritation, because that seems to be just aggression with a Whoopee Cushion. I definitely suggest the LW talk to him about this, if she hasn't already. And if she has and he still persists, she probably has her answer.

This guy is hiding hostility underneath humor. What he is doing is diminishing her and holding her up as an object of ridicule in front of others. Some people come from families where this is tolerated and even encouraged. I think it is very apparent the LW is not from such a background.

If she has not already told him she does not like this, she needs to tell him how much this bothers her. If he continues to "rib" her she has a decision to make, leave him or feel angry at his treatment of her. I would vote for leaving.

I have noticed some groups of young men are in the habit of "ribbing" back in the day my male friends called it capping. I also know their girlfriends rarely tolerated it for long.

Stop complaining and tell him how you feel and if he continues put on your big girl pants and walk away.

"What ultimately bugs me is that I'm most often made the brunt of a joke when others are around to witness his hilarity."

Yeah, I guess there's a difference between gentle ribbing and really digging in, but in general, it's not cool to put down your girlfriend or boyfriend in public. With what little context I can gather from the letter, the dude sounds like kind of a creep to me, and if he's doing this around other people, they probably think so, too.

There are relationships and families where "abuse" is all in fun, everybody plays, and it is enjoyable all around. My family is like this. In private, we say the most awful things about each other, the more exaggerated the better. All in fun, and we know when to stop.

The three important concepts here are: "everybody", "in private", and "know when to stop". This guy hasn't got any of that down. He's playing with emotional abuse, whether he knows it or not.

LW needs to state this plainly: stop or I leave. She has to mean it, too...

Personally, I can't see getting that upset over being teased for mispronouncing "cumin". At least as long as it wasn't in a, "You're such a fool, you don't know your spices!" kinda way. It's possible that boyfriend is just tryng to have cute little inside banter, and LW is oversensitive.

My hubby teases me over minor things like that sometimes, and vice versa, but there's no undertone of us not loving each other because of this or that trait. It's more of a "I find your slip ups endearing" tease.

But, bottom line, if LW is being hurt by this, it doesn't matter what his intent is, he needs to stop simply because it's hurting her. If you know something is really bothering your loved one - whether it's silly or not - you shouldn't do it.

This doesn't sound like affectionate ribbing to me. It sounds like he laughs like a hyena while she's embarrassed and distressed. Also, it's very tiresome when someone won't let go of a joke.

I'm wondering if she gives him a big reaction, and if that's what spurs him on. I might stay quiet and cool and not respond to this. Staying silent (and completely ignoring that it was said, but NOT sulking) is really powerful.

Ugh, where to start with this one. First for those of you who don't see the cumin thing as a big deal, this kind of behavior is like Chinese water torture. It is never one big thing, but a series of small things that accumulate over time. He is using his "sense of humor" to remind her of who is the boss in this relationship. As someone else said, this is a way to hide his hostility towards her.

Now, for the LW, please understand that you are only dating this guy. You are not married to him. Dating is the period where you get to know him and decide if there is anything about him that irks you. Well guess what? There is! Congratulations! You have your answer. Can you really envision spending your life with someone like this? Obviously not, because you wrote this letter. The next step is to be strong and leave. This is who he is and it's not going to change. Is this how you would want your daughter treated? No. So why should you tolerate it?

People, this is what is wrong with forming relationships with people you really don't know. Just because a guy takes you out more than ten times does not make him live in or husband material. Take your time and get to know him before you start blending your lives. That makes leaving so much easier! Ack! I would add something about sleeping together too soon, but that would get me laughed off this board. ;-)

Sheepmommy wrote: this kind of behavior is like Chinese water torture. It is never one big thing, but a series of small things that accumulate over time.

YES. This guy sounds like my ex, who is a good guy. We're still friends. But when we were together, he behaved much like the LW's boyfriend. He made fun of my lack of sense of direction, the way I loaded the dishwasher, my fidgeting, the fact that I'd sleep til 1 pm on Saturdays. EVERYTHING. And, you know what? I dished it right back (told him to stop being an ass, cussed him out, threw pillows at him, etc).

I didn't realize how dysfunctional it was at the time, this cycle of put-downs and fighting back. When I first started dating my kind, sweet current boyfriend, I worried that I'd be bored because of the lack of "fire" and "spirited banter." But now I don't miss that stuff at all. The ONLY things we RIB each other about are the things that make us BOTH laugh -- or the stupid mistakes we made TOGETHER.

Maybe they just come from different backgrounds. I know that my brothers and sisters to tease each other fiercely all the time with no one thinking anything of it. Obviously, other people who join the family do not necessarily have the same expectations or understanding of that. For that reason, he should be understanding and greatly cut down on the teasing to make his girlfriend comfortable. If a joke is making your girlfriend very upset it's not a good joke. However, it also doesn't mean you're a controlling/terrible person. It may just mean you have a very different sense of humor, and don't have the manners to notice it. So, yeah, I agree with Amy. Talk with him and if he decreases the teasing, good. (I think going to zero is unreaslistic) If he keeps doing it then say adios to him.

My ex was like this too, and I know it was passive aggressive behaviour. I told him to stop a number of times, and he said I was being too sensitive, but I could see the hostility beneath the surface. He started doing this after I refused to move in with him, so I guess he was very angry at me!

The LW should break up with him as soon as possible.

I don't think Lewis Black would treat a lady that way...he's funny but he's not an asshole like LW's boyfriend.

You know, you DO have permission to dump someone simply because they annoy you. You don't have to find someone's sense of humor funny. You either do or you don't. There is no try, and there is no fair.

Who knows whether this guy is hostile underneath his constant un-funny pettiness? Who cares? When someone grates on your nerves like that, make your life nicer and ditch them. It's not like you have to fill out an application and get approval.

I have a beautiful collection of leather books. I once dated a guy who thought it was really funny to come over and mess them all up. I guess his feeling was that they were too neat, which meant I must be too anal retentive, so he would mess them all up when he came over, just to see if he could provoke me into straightening them out. He did all kinds of things like that - just deliberately trying to be annoying, so that if I got irritated, he could accuse me of being uptight and humorless.

So I dumped his ass after two weeks, because I didn't enjoy his company and had decided I'd rather chew off my own leg than sleep with someone I found so irritating. I thought he was stupid and juvenile, and I didn't really give a rat's ass whether he thought my reasons were fair, or whether he thought I was uptight or not. I was just glad to see the door shut behind him.

Wow, I agree 100% Pirate Jo!! Wish more women would get this! You don't have to have a "good" reason to dump someone. There is no right or wrong here - just what is. Are you happy? No? Then let him go. You will BOTH be happier later. Yes, later. While it seems awful at first, you do get over it. And someone who will make you happy isn't going to come into your life while you're with the wrong guy.

LW - You *know* this isn't right - act like a woman and do what you need to make it right.

Pirate Jo is right. So is Sheepmommy. Hell, I guess the Seinfeld plots had it right, too.

Break it off. On to the next. Kiss them frogs, then kiss 'em goodbye if they stay frogs. Life is too short to waste time with someone whose behavior drives you to writing for advice. Find someone you like.

(That being said, if my husband or I mispronounced "cumin" in the way I imagine she did, the other one would indeed have a field day. Or at least a field minute.)

This is passive aggressive and abusive. Some people are going to jump on me for calling it abusive, but it is. Assuming she has made it clear that she doesn't like being the brunt of his jokes, then he is specifically doing something that he knows is hurtful and humiliating. I can easily see the cumin thing being all about making her feel stupid and small.

LW, if you call him on it, he is probably going to tell you you're being too sensitive or that you need to lighten up and get a sense of humor or that he was only kidding. This is a way of trying to control how you see the world. If you hate this behavior, even if you ARE being too sensitive, someone who loves you would stop doing it.

We all have our pressure points -- places where, if you press just right, it hurts. Those points aren't the same for everyone. My friends know they can tease me for being short or for being adopted, for example, because those things don't concern me, but those things might be huge for someone else.

Abrasive a-holes generally think that other people are "too sensitive" and should "lighten up." I can't tell from the letter whether it really is abusive/bullying, but what Pirate Joe said is correct. Just dump him now. It's far better than, five years from now, watching him sleep, eyeing that pillow, wondering if you can take him out even though he's bigger than you...

Yeah Pirate Jo!

There's no way you can read this letter and label LW's boyfriend "abusive." Potential red flag, sure. "Asshole," maybe. But you can be an obnoxious, immature, mean-spirited asshole without being abusive. That label gets thrown around way too much, and it's not a good thing. It's like putting someone caught urinating in public on the sex offender list: it defeats the purpose of the list and normalizes the label to the extent that the real offenders can slip through the cracks.

Keep in mind that like with all Amy's letters, we're only hearing one side of the story here, and we're also hearing the condensed-for-publication version that may not give the full picture. When the details are vague, it's easy to fill in the blanks and project your own experiences onto the situation. I did it upthread when I attributed LW's problem to incompatible senses of humor, because I come from a family where this kind of teasing is normal and I've never associated it with abuse. And I think a lot of commenters are doing the same thing--they've witnessed or experienced abusive relationships that involved mocking/teasing, and are assuming that this situation is similar.

It's impossible to say whose assessment is more accurate. But I know that Amy has a lot more information at her disposal, and that she engages in a back-and-forth communication with the LW before publishing her advice, and the fact that she doesn't use the phrase "abusive relationship" in her answer makes me believe that it's NOT one.

A lot of people in my familly retorically ask "You know what I dont understand" before going on to note, or more often complain, about a percived logical falacy in someones actions.

And one of us will usually make a smart ass comment and mention some scientific theory(how gysers work?), basic skill(how to balance your checkbook?), or just something generally insulting(why the women you sleep with never return your phone calls?)

Everyone will laugh and they'll say 'that too, but . . .'

Ofcourse we expect if something bothers you to speak up about it.

Its possible that this guy is just nervous and overcompensating when it groups.

Problem of the condensed lettter for print. But how do you get a 'feild day' out of mispronouncing one word?

She needs to confront him. Shell either get some variant of

A> I'm sorry I made you feel that way, or
B> I'm sorry (you feel that way/your offended)

And that is all the info she'll need to decide whether or not to keep seeing him

This actually brings to mind a sergeant I knew when I was in the army. Amy, share your thoughts on this, please.

The three of us were eating at the local Jack in the Box, and every time she tried to take a bite, he'd deliberately nudge her elbow so that the food was pushed into her face. She was getting increasingly upset and no amount of begging would get him to stop doing it. He seemed to feel that she had no right to let this upset her, so that he was going to keep on doing it until she grew up and stopped acting like such a baby. She tried to wrap the food up to eat it later, but he threatened to throw it out.

There's no way you can read this letter and label LW's boyfriend "abusive."

Of course there is. I just did.

Urinating in public is nothing like this at all. It doesn't meet the requirements of being a sex offender. You can get a ticket for this even if no one is hurt by it, or even notices it. Intentionally hurting someone over and over is abusive, whether it's emotional or physical.

Keep in mind that like with all Amy's letters, we're only hearing one side of the story here, and we're also hearing the condensed-for-publication version that may not give the full picture.

That's true of every letter posted here, yet we need some basis for expressing opinions. By those standards, no one could ever judge anything anyone says. We have to make some assumptions in order to be able to form an opinion. Fortunately, this isn't a court of law where I have to be sure without a reasonable doubt. I'm just making silly comments on a blog.

Lujlp offers some good advice. Find out for sure whether he's intentionally being a dick or just the most clueless asshole on the planet. Then make a decision from there. Either answer is good enough to break up with him if it makes her unhappy.

Oh my GOD, Patrick. I despise people who don't respect boundaries. I wish that gal had smashed her sandwich all over his face, AFTER she removed the top bun and let him have it with the condiments. What a horrible bully.

What happened? Did she end up just not being able to eat? Did YOU ever say anything?

I didn't think about the way she might've mispronounced "cumin" until Pricklypear mentioned it. That would be pretty hard to resist teasing over! A good natured ribbing would be called for, and shouldn't offend, but it's probably not good-natured.

Amen to what Pirate Jo said.

And Patrick, that kind of douche is everything that's wrong w/ the army.

I had my sense of humor surgically restored about 10 years ago, but if this were me, I'd dump his ass.

There's no way you can read this letter and label LW's boyfriend "abusive." Potential red flag, sure. "Asshole," maybe. But you can be an obnoxious, immature, mean-spirited asshole without being abusive.

I was thinking pretty much the same thing, both because text has so little in the way of expressing emotion or emphasis, and because there's just not enough information here to make that call.

Someone exactly like me could very well be the object of LW's trouble, if she has not told him that it bothers her. I sometimes get in a rut of doing or saying something and don't notice until someone says, "That's the nth time we've heard that one, will you give it a rest?", or perhaps something a little more blunt. If she hasn't done this, he may not even know that he's upsetting her.

WayneB, that is interesting, and just goes to show how much has to do with expectations and upbringing.

It very well may be that if a guy has been raised this way, getting dumped by a couple of women might be the first social signal he gets saying that this is not okay with all other people.

And Patrick, as to the elbow-nudging sandwich-smasher, if that was your sergeant, I can totally understand why you would want to keep your mouth shut. Was she his girlfriend? Honestly, in that situation (meaning hers) I would have gotten up and moved to another seat. Was that not possible? No wonder it has stuck in your memory. Now it's stuck in mine, too! Thanks a lot, how about some good music next time?

"My family makes fun of me for this allll the time and I can't imagine getting upset about it. "

Keep swallowing your pride. Eventually a passive-agressive, mean-spirited, unhappy little abuser will win your heart.

You won't really know why you're magnetically drawn to him or why you'll stay in that relationship, except that it will feel, somehow, "familiar" to you.

There was a lot of "good natured" teasing in my family, and when I was younger, I teased (and was teased by) all my boyfriends. Then I had a boyfriend who was super duper sensitive and asked that I not tease him and it was really hard at first, but I stopped it. The reason it was so hard to stop was twofold 1) habit 2) I was smarter than him, and being with him embarrassed me, so I was full of resentment. I would feel more compelled to tease him in front of other people when he did or said something I thought was stupid (like misusing words--happened constantly and drove me up the wall), so that I could demonstrate to the audience how superior I was. I finally did us both a favor and broke up with him, and now I'm married to an awesome man who was teased by his family as a child and made a conscious decision not to be a teaser. I'm so glad that I dropped that habit in my last relationship. Teasing, for me, just provided an unconstructive way to let off steam while not addressing the underlying issues. Now if hubby and I are feeling resentful, we discuss it, and try to be as kind as possible. Old me probably would've thought a relationship without teasing sounded boring and too walking-on-eggshells, but it is actually really nice. We do laugh at each other, but only when we both find something funny, like someone said above. Never at each other's expense. And goodness gracious, never in public! I try to never utter a disrespectful word about my husband to others, whether he is around to hear it or not. I love him, I respect him, I feel lucky to be with him, and I want to treat him sweetly.

I disagree MonicaP.

Its true you "could" label his behavior "abusive". However there is no way one could RATIONALLY label his behavior that way.

The guy's an ass. But that is nowhere near the same as being abusive.

You've made this situation a whole lot more complex than it really is. He's not in some diabolical plot to change how she sees the world. He just likes to crack jokes at other people's expense, and its something she's sensitive to. For some people, it is an invitation to engage in a witty back and forth of playful insults that will result in a mutual appreciation for one another's verbal acumen.

With this one...not so much, and he should stop using her as the straight man in some comedy vaudeville act. But that is quite different from the sort of things that require makeup from the Este Lauder "It never happened" collection.

Generalizing abuse that way is a damn good way to make sure nobody takes allegations of "abuse" seriously.

If she doesn't like it, she should be a big girl and break up.

If the LW hasn't talked to her BF yet, she needs to do it. If she has talked to him and been ignored, she may not have been blunt enough. If it's a deal breaker, she needs to make that clear.

For me, the first time a date "teased" me in a way that hurt my feelings, he'd get a warning. The second time he did it would be the last time he had any contact with me.

I once dated a man who used sarcastic "teasing" to make points. I told him I don't "do" sarcasm so if he wanted to keep seeing me, he'd need to find another way to express himself. If he had told me I was being too sensitive I would have pointed out the exits and told him (sensitively of course) to pick one and use it. As it was he decided to change his behavior.

I have a good sense of humor and I enjoy teasing. But I don't make other people the butt of my jokes. I don't tease people in a way that makes them uncomfortable and I don't allow them to do it to me. That's not humor, it's hostility.

If I did misread someone and tease them in a way that they complained about, or that even seemed to make them uncomfortable, I'd apologize and never do it again. That's because I really am trying to make them smile, not trying to put them down.

I know my ex boyfriend's teasing had a hostile tone because I told him over and over to stop and he refused. I would actually say to him, 'you're being bitter & vindictive again', and he would reply 'you're just too sensitive'. Sounds healthy, doesn't it. I put up with it for about a month (we only saw each other on weekends, so not too much), and then I dumped him. He was surprised and pestered me to go back with him, but I cut him out completely-no further contact.

It really doesn't matter what rationale the boyfriend has for his behavior (everyone in his family does this, it's passive-aggressive, etc.) All the LW needs to communicate to him is that his behavior is making her feel bad. Don't accept any "shoulding" from him or yourself (you shouldn't feel that way because it's only a joke, etc). Stick to your feelings on this.

You'll find out quickly if he's relationship-worthy by his response - he'll either A) respect you and stop to make you feel better, or B) he'll continue, insisting YOU should respond differently. Then you act accordingly - if A) keep him around for now or B) dump him.

We tend to get ourselves in trouble when we ignore our own feelings or let others convince us that we should feel differently. So we buck up and then develop anger and disease - but whatever the outcome, ignoring our feelings usually bites us in the end.

A person who willingly ignores your feelings (after you share them) is someone to avoid being with in a relationship. This situation is a pretty good litmus test of that. Good luck to the LW on this - I'd say the odds are low it'll come out how she'd probably like right now, but it could open up all sorts of healthier, happier options later if she follows her feelings over her desires on this one.

I get kidded a lot by my friends and SO. It never bothers me -- especially if it was clever quipping. I get teased all the time by my pronunciation of words (like I pronounce "wash" as "warsh". I kid back. It's all good fun. Sometimes there is sarcasm and joking because it's difficult or awkward for some to express more intimate feelings. I've never construed the ribbing I got from my friends and lovers as attacks or put downs... because they ARE my friends and lovers.

On the other hand... if this really bothers the LW then obviously they should split up. This sounds like HIS style. Why make HIM change his style? Why make the LW change HER expectations? It sounds like two good people in a bad match, to me. Let him find someone who appreciates his sense of humor and let the LW find someone who doesn't make her feel like joke fodder.

More than once after discussing the immature bantering is grounds for dismissal.
A real man would remember the discussion and refrain. Obviously the man is insecure and needs to boast on his woman's behalf. God save these relationships!! No wonder ppl get divorcedone or stay single.

More than once after discussing the immature bantering is grounds for dismissal.
A real man would remember the discussion and refrain. Obviously the man is insecure and needs to boast on his woman's behalf. God save these relationships!! No wonder ppl get divorced or stay single.