Very good advice, Amy.

To the letter writer, the answer to your question is no.

You probably love her very much and will be annoyed by the litany of generalizations that are sure to follow in this thread. They'll go on about typical drug user's behaviors and other shit that you already know. But, that probably doesn't seem to apply to someone you're so intimate with. After all, we don't know what a wonderful person she is. We can't possibly understand how beautiful she is on the inside and how much much you love her. By the way, I'm not being sarcastic in the least. I know exactly what it is to deeply love someone with a mental illness. I think drug abuse could probably be described as a mental illness similar enough to what I've had to deal with so that my advice may be apropos.

Here's the thing that you won't hear elsewhere. Here's the thing that will make your life infinitely more happy in the long run. Listen closely. No shit. Here it comes.

You can love someone very, very deeply and still understand that they wouldn't make a good wife or partner.

Let that sink in.

Amy,

Please look into adding a button to like/dislike posts. Nice points, whistleDick!

She is surely a wonderful person inside. And she can change.

The thing is, when that happens, it won't be with you.

People who are acting like jerks or going through personal issues don't tend to stick with the person who has been lovingly supporting them the whole time. When they finally get their shit together they tend to want a fresh start.

I too would enjoy a "like" button, but let's not do a "dislike" button. A "like" button can replace the "me too" posts, but a "dislike" is useless without an explanation.

Here's my "me too" comment: LW, WhistleDick's right. I remember reading once that you can't love somebody back to mental health. You can love her, you can forgive her, you can wish the best for her, but for both your sakes, you should do all that from a distance.

You can love her, you can forgive her, you can wish the best for her, but for both your sakes, you should do all that from a distance.

A-freakin-men. I have to say, though, that this is one of THE hardest things to learn. Give yourself time, patience, and most of all, care for yourself, LW. And sometimes caring for yourself means staying the hell away from something or someone you think you love. It's hard. I know it is. But it's what's best for you in the long run.

"People who are acting like jerks or going through personal issues don't tend to stick with the person who has been lovingly supporting them the whole time. When they finally get their shit together they tend to want a fresh start."

I have seen this time and time again with addicts. They don't want to keep facing the person who knew them at their worst. This is especially true if the partner initiated an intervention or called them out. The resentment doesn't die.

Let me channel your father for you:

Dump her, you @#$% idiot. Immediately, before she gets pregnant "accidentally."

--love, dad

That girlfriend you think you love doesn't exist. A drug addict has stolen her body. You'll get more love from a dog.

You sound exactly like my brother 5-6 years ago. Back in the late 90s he married a gal that had a reputation for being a "party girl". Seeing as that this was in a pretty rural part of the country "party girl" meant doing lots of meth and sleeping around.

Well, when she got with my brother she straightened up for a while. She cleaned up, got a job and started being a good mother. But eventually the novelty of marriage wore off and although my brothter is a genuinely good guy and eminently reliable, he isn't the most "exciting" person in the world.

So, when he relocated for the sake of finding a new job, she was slow to find one for herself. With all that idle time on her hands it didn't take long at all for her to fall into old habits. She suddenly became irritable, crashed for what seemed like days at a time, had new friends and had a new found desire for "alone time". Since tweakers aren't exactly masters of planning and subtlety she eventually got busted.

She'd been doing meth pretty regularly and apparently rather than pay for it (which is something my brother would've noticed) she instead got drugs in trade. Yes, that's right, she was givin' up ass for meth... and not just to one guy either. Long story short, my brother tried to be there for her, tried to "fix" her, tried to tough it out with her, but it quickly became apparent that his efforts were wasted. The moment he turned his back she'd be off getting messed up and foolin' around on him. Reality set in, he booted her, filed for divorce and set about fixing his life. She went to go live with her dealer and eventually her life hit rock bottom. She was busted for burglary and check fraud, did some time in county lockup and went to a treatment program.

Last I heard she'd married some military guy and was living overseas, which appears to be working for her. All told, my brother spent 5-6 years with this woman of which half were pure hell for him. All the love he had for her didn't mean a damn thing in the long run. The story kinda has a happy ending for him though. His moved turned out to be lucrative. He's making good money, found a gal at his job that he fell in love with and married her and they have a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood and are as happy as can be.

If you really love her, the best thing you can do for her is dump her. You are enabling her by putting up with her crap and she needs to be hurt by the consequences of her actions in order to want to change.

And no, you will never be able to believe her again.

It is again, like Amy describes, the "sunk-cost fallacy" - he has put such a huge investment into "fixing" her and is deep down scared that someone else will get the rewards of his efforts...
It will take realizing that he truly does not love her...but loves the idea of what she could be...a sober, emotionally available partner...and not a meth head, energy-sucking leech. It's high time the letter writer spend a fraction of the energy that he's invested in this woman onto himself and figure out why its ok with him that he is second fiddle in this relationship. After he addresses that he might see his situation for what it is, dump the druggie and actually be able to attract himself a real partner and not just another of the variety of leeches out there...

And LW, I know this is tough - but please acknowledge that "helping" her isn't helping her at all...

Good advice, Amy … but there's just one other thing you should have added.

LW writes: My girlfriend had a drug problem but claimed she'd been clean for seven years. It turns out she's been using for the entire year we've been together.

What was it? A long-distance relationship and your sex life resulting in nothing more than a sticky keyboard? Sorry, I'm not buying this crap about his girlfriend using for an entire year and him not seeing it. Love is blind, but it's not also deaf and unable to taste, feel or smell.

Addicts have signs. And he saw them, and chose to ignore them, or dismiss them, or redress them as something innocuous.

LW, run, and next time, pay attention to the signs.

"Sticky keyboard"? I think I just grossed myself out.

Great points, everyone. I hope LW is reading. As for me, I've watched enough episodes of 'Intervention' to know that even if she is able to clean up now and for the foreseeable future, things like motherhood and having a family are STRESSFUL. People who have long-term abuse issues tend to go to the drugs as a coping mechanism...so all might be hunky dory until she will really need to be on her game...then it's crash & burn time. You don't want to do this to your future kids, do you?

It's called Al-Anon. Check it out.

The comment about the Labrador reminds me of the story of a man who passed his urinalysis but received from shocking news from the nice folks at the drug test: he was pregnant!

The most important part of Amy's advice is "Drug addicts lie." She will be honest with you right up until she needs to get high again. Or until she needs to cover up that she got high and had sex with another guy.

You will never trust her like you did before. You'll always wonder whether she's really clean.

LW...she has been lying to you for a year so we can't exactly say that you have a significant or civilizing influence on her. I'm sorry to be so blunt but your equivocation demands it. In her eyes you are someone who is easily blown off lied to and ignored. There is nothing you can change about yourself that will have an impact on her. She will just walk right over you. Get out now, use tough love, and know that if she has any chance of recovery it has to be thru self discovery and self motivation. For you, better luck next time. Sometimes life gives you pie and sometimes you get a smack in the face. Learn to really like pie

When the schooner "America" sailed clear away from the entire Royal Yacht Club, Victoria asked Albert "Who is second?" Albert told the Queen, "There is no second."
LW, that's a metaphor for how far back in her priorities you're being placed versus her drug habits: you're not second, you're not there at all.

Duped: You can forgive her... from a distance. A loooong distance. To elaborate on what Jefe said, in a drug addict's life, drugs come first, and everything else comes second.

I don't get how people justify staying with people they know are liars. Wait, I did that, only the lies were small until they weren't any more. They were never as big as this, but it doesn't matter. Once a pattern of untruthiness is established, its time to leave.

Kick her to the curb and figure you why you think so little of yourself that you put up with this shit.

Kick her to the curb and figure you why you think so little of yourself that you put up with this shit.

Kick her to the curb and figure you why you think so little of yourself that you put up with this shit.

Kick her to the curb and figure you why you think so little of yourself that you put up with this shit.

Kick her to the curb and figure you why you think so little of yourself that you put up with this shit.

A shrink once told me that I didn't have a relationship with my daughter, I had a relationship with her drugs. We couldn't have a relationship until she gave the drugs up. Unfortunately, she hasn't done that yet. I assume that every word she utters is a lie, and sadly, it's true. I love her, but I know that there is no coming together until she decides to give up the dope. I'm resigned to that. I've heard that "she's a good girl at heart" crap too many times to count. No, she's not good at heart if she's willing to lie, steal and cheat for drugs.

LW RUN! You have had a lot of very good advice here. You do not have a girlfriend, you have a drug addict who lies to you so she can get what she wants. You are duped and she will continue to do that.

You can forgive her, go ahead but still leave, she will not get better as long as there is anyone picking up the pieces. Please understand she knows how to lie and manipulate to get what she wants. She will continue to do it. She will demand sympathy and empathy from you yet have none for you.

I was married to an addict for 20 years, in and out of rehab, lying and stealing from me, his family, our children, all the while managing to be an award winning journalist. He would be clean for a couple of years and then fall again.

Please do not do what I did. Please get yourself to an alanon or Naranon meeting. Find out why you put up with her garbage and want to forgive her.

Remember
The drug is her first love, her only love, and everything and everyone is way behind her being able to find and use the drug. You are really way down on her priority list. She will be pitiful, she will be charming and when she realizes you are breaking up with her anger and nastiness like you have never seen will happen.

BTW - I know how wonderful she can be, I know what a beautiful loving person she is underneath the drugs. I also know you do not know who she really is because she has been lying to you since the day she met you.