I feel like young women in the dating scene ditch guys for really dumb reasons. "He's too short" "I didn't like his t-shirt" "He has totally platonic female friends with whom he will never cheat" "His glasses are dorky" "He snorts when he laughs".

These are not the important qualifiers. However if you're looking for a reason to dump him it is as good as any.

Two-part sentence from the LW: "I don't feel he needs these relationships when he's in a serious relationship, and it isn't their job to take care of him."

The latter is certainly true, but how does the LW know that's what they're doing? As to the first part: That's pretty presumptuous, thinking she really knows what his needs are.

Side note: The "How to get pregnant fast at ConceiveEasy" ad is still up there, right under pictures of two handsome gents representing Match.com. Another fine example of symbiotic advertising!

I understand why the LW is bothered by this, because it is a little weird. I wouldn't want to be dating the guy everyone thinks of as the male teddy bear, you know? It sounds like the women in his life have cast him into a role that doesn't mesh well with being someone's boyfriend. You'd hope that'd they'd be good enough friends to adjust the nature of their interactions to support his relationship, but people can be incredibly selfish when prioritizing the friendship over the friends. Ultimately it's up to him to take a stand with his friends, and if he doesn't want to or isn't able to then maybe he's not ready for a relationship yet. LW might not be "the one" for him, but she could be his much-needed wake up call.

I'm a bit concerned with the line," I understand having opposite-sex friends to get perspective on dating," Sounds like the LW thinks thats the only valid reason to have a friend. Admittedly this guy sounds like every girls gay best friend, but I get the feeling she would have a problem with any female friend.

I agree - sounds like she's not comfortable with female friends. I wonder if she'd have such an issue if he was watching the game with the guys and downing beers and burping.

Seems like she feel's they're encroaching on her nail-polish territory.

LW, are you sure he's not gay? Does he have any dude friends?

Uh...do you get to share the baked goods these women are bringing? If so, I do not see the problem. Really, though, the guy is 30. These have been his friends for years, and, while they should recognize that your boyfriend and you need alone time, I don't see why baking for him, inviting him to events, and calling him up for advice is a big deal, if that's the kind of relationship they had before you started dating.

Now, if they're constantly stopping by unannounced to drop off cookies and staying for hours, calling him up and getting mad if he's having a romantic night with you, saying mean stuff about you, and getting pissy that he can't attend a baby shower because he's already agreed to be your date at a wedding...well, that's different.

But it seems the LW's problem is simply that her boyfriend has close relationships with other women -- not that these women don't respect the relationship.

I agree with Amy -- the LW will gain nothing from issuing ultimatums and asking him to end or adjust his friendships. I's just not fair to treat another adult that way.

Wow, there are several possibilities with LW's boyfriend.

1. He's secretly gay.
2. His testosterone count is in the negative digits.
3. He's gone beyond "beta male" and into "omega" range.
4. He's hoping to bang the cookie-bakers from the outer reaches of the Friend Zone.

In none of these cases should she stay with him.

Well, the LW says these other girls are married, and he isn't a sleazeball, but I still think she's right to be concerned, because, really? Where are these women's husbands? Is the BF friends with their husbands, too? I'd feel better if he is, but LW doesn't mention this. There's something hinky about the whole scenario.

I have to disagree with you Mike.

I admit the possibilities, but it just doesn't sound like that.

Lets assume for a moment that this is genuinely who he is.

Are we surprised he doesn't have many or even ANY guy friends at all? If he were gay, he'd have at least some of those. And even friendzoned guys have male friends to lie to about how well they're doing. I doubt its the third because it sounds like he actually enjoys all that feminine crap.

Now a negative testosterone count sure, I could see that. But at least one woman seems to enjoy it, so its not necessarily a reason not to be with, well lets call him a "him".

The LW is the problem in this one.

She's not worried about him cheating. She seems more worried about not beng the center of his world.

Otherwise known as "crazy chick stuff", to which men of all stripes have been subjected to at one point or another in one or more relationships.

She's pretentious for presuming to know his "relationship needs" and she's insecure as can be even though she admits he's not going to nail any of these women.

Frankly, if anyone should be dropped, its the LW on this one.

Hopefully she comes to her senses.

I agree with Robert. LW should get over it and befriend the female friends. If they're inviting him to baby showers, they aren't trying to get nasty with him, and nor is he with them.

I have a male friend like this. He's not an alpha male type, but he's definitely not gay and he's definitely not making the moves on his chick friends. He just happens to relate well to women as more than a pair of tits, and he's fun to hang around with.

If you do happen to be attracted to a guy of this type, you likely have a very good bet for a faithful, thoughtful boyfriend. And if you befriend his female friends instead of being bitchy to them, you're likely to gain a new group of friends yourself (and maybe even score some cookies).

It's ironic how so many women whine about trying to LJBF* men. Then when we do LJBF* them we get bashed by someone else, anyway.
*Let's Just Be Friends

Gail says to befriend the female friends, and I think that's a very good idea, but with one caveat: Be VERY careful not to come off as the pushy type who has to be doing everything that her boyfriend does. If you ARE invited into the circle of friends, be casual about it, stay out and let him go alone sometimes (I personally would say it should be 50-50 or so), and I think a lot of the uneasiness will go away.

He has female friends because women don't judge a guy on his results in life, only on his intentions. I'll bet he has no male pals, because he's not got much going on, career and status-wise. He's not a keeper, trust me.

I feel like young women in the dating scene ditch guys for really dumb reasons. "He's too short"

Nicole, it's not just young women who will refuse to get involved with guys who aren't tall enough for them. And I'm curious why you see this as a "really dumb" reason?

*

He has female friends because women don't judge a guy on his results in life, only on his intentions.

Kate, if you're talking about women and guys they see as "just friends", then yes, they likely aren't going to judge those guys on their accomplishments/status/income. But when you're talking about women looking at guys for potential relationships, a lot of women judge men on that basis.

I'll bet he has no male pals, because he's not got much going on, career and status-wise.

You must know completely different guys than I do. I'm not saying they don't exist, but I've never known any guy who would refuse to have another guy as a friend because he didn't have a good enough job or his status wasn't high enough. One of my best friends has no career -- he's a house painter who ekes out a living from month-to-month -- but he has a lot of male friends.

"I don't feel he needs these relationships when he's in a serious relationship..."

He should run from you, or prance, or skedaddle—or whatever it is he feels comfortable doing. Post haste.

Otherwise known as "crazy chick stuff", to which men of all stripes have been subjected to at one point or another in one or more relationships.

The part that jumped out at me from this letter was this sentence:

I know he won't be comfortable telling his girlfriends that he picks out nail polish with only one woman from now on -- me!

Sounds to me like she wants him to do that stuff with her, but not because he actually enjoys it. He should do it solely because he's in a relationship and wants to score points. However, she picked a guy that enjoys girl time for reasons beyond that. Her instincts and her thought processes are at war. Either she was instinctively attracted to this guy and has thought herself into a dilemma, or she thought herself into a relationship and her instincts are shouting at her that this isn't the right guy. I think she'd do well to look closer at which it is.

If the genders were reversed, the guy would be called possessive and obsessive. Guess the same applies to the LW. In addition to the above, she is just plain insecure that she does not have the guy dangling by her fingernails to do her bidding 24 hrs of the day.

She just wants a slave and not a bf who she will respect as an individual with his own life. In her opinion, her bf should not have a life of his own beyond her and the sole purpose of existence of her bf is to make her life at the cost of his life.

Yeah, I think it is more or less unanimous, the LW is the problem here.

I'd wager dollars to donuts too, that this guy has nooo idea there even IS a problem at all.

But, because this LW is the crazy sort, she's going to ignore alllll the good advice, and either:

1. Decide he's gay and dump him, followed by wondering why there are no sensitive guys out there for her.

2. She'll blow up at him after he goes to a baby shower without her, and dump him, he'll be mystified and talk to his girl friends who will hook him up with someone they know, replacing the crazy in a month (for a normal guy it'd be a day, but this guy will need his crying time)

3. She'll decide sans evidence that he actually is cheating and do a preemptive dump along with loud accusations about his slutty friends. He'll leave, mystified, see the latter part of both 1 & 2.

4. She'll push herself into the group, be a jealous witch, and get dumped BY him because his friends matter to him. See 1, 2, & 3's latter part.

5. Any or all of the above, but she'll also set his car on fire, destroy his flower bed, or something equally crazy as "revenge" for his failure to make her the center of her world.

-----------------------------

I tell you ladies, if you want to know how it REALLY is on the dating scene for men, if you ever get genuinely curious about what it is like to date American women, yes I qualify that with nationality, I've dated everywhere from America to Europe to South Korea (I travel for my job a lot), and there is a huge difference between each of the 3, then what you should do is disguise yourself as a man and go on a few dates with women.

A lot of men complain about dating American women, some more loudly or less sanely than others true. But there is no example better than personal experience.

There was a man years ago who overdosed on tanning pills or something back in the segregation days, and wrote a book about the difference in how he was treated.

Frankly some woman should perform a similar experiment today on what it is like to be an American man dating American women. That would be a book worth reading.

I have nothing against women in general, having perfect angel princesses for daughters, I can't see how I rationally could, they'll grow up to be women one day after all (I keep asking them to go back to the age of 5 for a few years, but they insist they can only grow UP, its adorable)

But honestly ladies, take a walk on the other side, I hate to say it, but you will probably be thoroughly annoyed with your own gender after the fact.

And I can almost promise you that if it lead to sex, one of you would get a call in a few weeks from one of them saying she's knocked up and it has to be yours. 'lol'

I laugh, but I wish I was only joking.

Rereading the letter though, the LW does have two things said, one of which is ludicrous since she should have expected it, the other, a sign of some redeeming quality in her.

She writes that she's "Terrified she'll overhear him discussing how to paint a baby's room" or something to that effect, frankly from such a feminine man, you'd think she'd see that coming a mile away right at the start of things. He likes girly shit for whatever reason, if she's terrified about that sort of thing, why is she with THIS guy?

She also writes that she wants to be the one to take care of him. Now that is a pretty damn good inclination. A woman that wants to do something to make her mate happier or more comfortable, is a great joy indeed. Her mistake here I think is the notion that she should be the only one and taking care of his every need by herself. She should know better, people need their friends, different friends for different things, and not every tiny detail needs to be part of his mates knowledge base or involve her pressence or participation.

So all things said, yes, the LW is still the problem here, but she might not be quite as crazy as I first thought.

Robert, someone already did see
Self-Made Man: One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back

lujlp, thanks, I need new reading material.

Robert: Frankly some woman should perform a similar experiment today on what it is like to be an American man dating American women. That would be a book worth reading.

lujlp: Robert, someone already did see
Self-Made Man: One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back

You beat me to it, lujlp!

Robert, to expand on what lujlp mentioned, the woman who did this didn't do it just to see what it was like to date women. She did it to see what it was like to be a man in all aspects of life. But she does have one chapter on dating women.