Whoa...hey, LW, are you sure your husband and Dax don't have the hots for each other??? Started to sound that way, I'm just sayin', is all...

o.O

Well maybe she's just attracted to that 'type'.

Maybe hubby is setting up wifie so she does the lawnboy and gets left with nothing when he "discovers" the affair and has all the grounds in the divorce.

"Kinda like a sister"? Perhaps those spectacular pecs are impeding your view in more ways than one.

"My rational mind says this is a runaway train ..."

I think I'd go with head over heart on this one, if it was me.

Husband seems to make split decisions and has a hair trigger. Since he's never been called out in 22 years, he might very likely interpret this first talk as a threat. Is the LW financially prepared to move out in a hurry if she had to? She should meet with an accountant, a lawyer, and a women's shelter counselor before approaching husband. Get your ducks in a row and keep your options in the back of your mind. Then make a sustained, calm effort to make your husband engage with you as an equal.

T's right, this man is obviously an abuser, all men are. Oh that reminds me, some other guy raped and murder the woman I was targeting for my patriarchal fun next week. Hey T where do you live?

Meanwhile back here on planet earth 2012-22=1990. By 1990 women lib had been around for more than five decade and arranged marriges had fallen out of favor decade prior to that.

So how exactly did you wind up married to a man you didnt like?

Oh wait you werent forced at all, you made choices.

Has it even occured to you that in reamining silent about your feeling alls these years you have been lying to your husband?

Take Amys advice, use your word, see a therapist if need be, and be preparde to allow your husband to express his hurt at your quarter century of lying to him every day.

Cheating with the hired help, great way to cap off a marriage to the man who fathered your children and worked to put a roof over their heads and put them through college. Sexy as Dax may be, he's not only unlikely to be interested in you, but when the chips were down your husband was there at your side 'for the long haul'.

Um hubby's probably gay, pretty common stereotype behavior for gay men forced into hetero marriages. I'd say trap but no controlling domineering guy makes breakfast for the help. Where is Dax that he's getting egg sandwiches for breakfast? Either we are missing something or this whole situation smacks of a Lifetime or Gay Cable Network special. The poor crushed wife finds solace from the evil patriarch in the arms of a young landscaper. The poor husband forced into a loveless marriage by an oppressive hetero-normative society finds true love in the arms of a young landscaper.

I'm betting you married him because he flashed a whole lot of green and would provide a comfortable life. Now after 22 years of comfort and a nice house you want to live that crazy fun life you passed in your 20s. Sorry hun that shit you do in your youth with your money not in middle age with someone else's. THough in this respect I feel for you as I did the same exact thing but from the other side of the coin. I chose career over adventure. A mistake that it is too late to remedy.

Hmm, vlad may have a point on the gay thing.

Also just want to add, it is really easier to be mr. fun and carefree, and to have time for getting yourself buff, when you don't have the stress of having to put food on the table and two kids through college.

Hmm, vlad may have a point on the gay thing.

Also just want to add, it is really easier to be mr. fun and carefree, and to have time for getting yourself buff, when you don't have the stress of having to put food on the table and two kids through college.

I think this already was a LifetimeTV movie.

Your husband makes him breakfast and your daughter thinks of the lawn guy as "kind of like a sister"?

The LW, her husband, and the daughter should all go to the best psychiatrist/psychologist they can find.

The LW has issues.

Frankly her husband doesn't sound all that bad.

OK he's "domineering" well what does that mean? She describes Dax as a coworker, so she's obviously not kept from working. She has a job of some sort.

She describes him as ill tempered, but at the same time what she calls "snide" from her husband she calls "teasing" from Dax. I wonder if she used to describe her husband as "teasing"?

She complains about her husband's high expectations, but again, what does that mean?

If she's only working 10 hours a week part time, is it "high expectations" to expect that the house is clean when he's home after the workday? Or that she prepares dinner instead of popping stuff in the microwave? We're given no context for her description of "high expectations", we're left to fill in the blanks. Some people probably think of the neighbor from "American Beauty" where the house is spotless but his standards make the wife think its a complete mess.

If he were all that bad, he'd be livid about Dax flirting with his wife in front of him. She tries to make her husband sound borderline abusive, but c'mon. The abusive domineering man doesn't invite a hot 22 year old buff guy to work at the house with his wife, he sure as hell does NOT make the guy breakfast and have him at the dinner table with the family, or let him get close to his daughter.

I'd wager damn good odds that the husband just likes to tease, and doesn't realize its been hurting her for 22 years because she's never said anything.

My wife and I are known to play at insults, barbed with wit and playfulness and born of like minds, it is a game to us.

I sort of suspect that the LW's husband thought he had something similar, and has no idea she's unhappy at all.

She's desperately trying to make him the villain in her description of her life and what she wants, and she'll use that to justify an affair with a 22 year old, and blame her husband after it all crumbles around her.

She's not looking at solving her problems at all.

She should stop expecting her husband to read her damn mind and just know that she's not content, and start speaking up.

Frankly, I wouldn't be the least bit shocked if she propositioned the young man and he turned her down and then informed her husband. Much is made about how men will fuck anything offered. But this is hardly a universal truth. Men who are close friends with one another are not in the habit of betraying each other with one another's wives. It happens, but it is more common for them to refuse than to accept such offers.

"Dax"? Not Dax Rippingabs, swarthy bisexual hero of his own series of romance novels and part-time Sears underwear model?!

There can't be two of them.

" I liked Dax -- which happens to be the name of a friend's kid."

Very 'romance novel'. Much better choice than Steele or Roan.

I always feel like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddy Shack when I make a joke like that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzPsdkTCufs

I married a domineering man 20 years my senior. We have two college-age kids. I've spent the past 22 years (half my life) navigating his ill-temperedness and high expectations, and my life is often chaotic and unhappy.

I'm sure it hasn't been all bad. You've probably had a very cushy lifestyle.

So, your husband is "ill-tempered" and "domineering" -- and apparently has been for 22 years. By all means, do nothing about that.

The scariest/saddest/most pitiful part of this letter is the last line, where she thinks the only "good" way to do something about this marriage is to let her husband ditch her. Sounds like LW has a raging case of I-don't-want-it-to-be-my-fault-itis. Since I don't think there's a cream for that, I'm with Amy on the talking to the husband front. Play fair, be forthright for once in your marriage, and actually say what you're feeling and you may just be able to resolve this peacefully (whichever way it turns out) without dragging Fabio Lite into it.

"Then make a sustained, calm effort to make your husband engage with you as an equal."

@T Well that's part of the problem, they aren't really equals ... he is (it appears) behaving like the adult in the relationship, while she is going on about how badly she wants to bang the gardener and is generally acting more like a hormone-addled teenager than a married mother of two.

"a women's shelter counselor"

Lol .. women's shelters are for women who have been abused, not for philandering women who have angered their (seemingly) devoted, hard-working husbands by maltreating them by obsessing about banging the gardener.

I'd love to see T's response if the genders were reversed here .. imagine it was a husband and father of two writing in that he doesn't find his wife of 22 years attractive anymore, doesn't like her personality, and can't stop fantasizing about banging the hot new 20-something housekeeper, how he tries to "arrange alone-time" with the housekeeper and wishes his wife would run off so he could be with the housekeeper instead.

I'm guessing that as before, the man would still be labelled abusive and the wife advised to find a women's shelter and divorce lawyer.

Actually men face these kinds of infatuations probably a lot more often than women .. men usually find mature ways to handle their lust.

Lujlp wins. T loses.

Short version of this letter: "I am a middle-aged woman married to an old man. I am horny. Can I bang the help? I know I need a Lifetime-Movie-of-the-Week excuse to cheat; that is part of modern divorce for self-regarding women. So, how about I suggest that he is (quiver added to voice) ... mentally abusive? (quick look to see if we buy it). Do you now give me permission?"

How about she tells hubby and kids she wants a divorce before getting some strange? According to her, she will be setting herself free from two decades of martyrdom.

As an aside, there is also the strong possibility that a hot 25 year old is not going to be eager to have sex with a pre-menopausal middle-aged woman. Because---newsflash--hot young people generally want to have sex with other hot young people. Having sex with middle-aged people is typically not their first choice. (Sorry if you middle-aged people were under some illusions about that.)

And yeah, younger guys will have sex with middle-aged women. But their first choice? younger women. Imagine mom's suprise when the help goes for her daughter or son, not her. (And by "surprise", I mean jealous rage.)

LW is a very screwed up person. I advise a lot of alcohol. And pills.

"Husband seems to make split decisions and has a hair trigger." Where the hell are you getting this. He could just be resentful that she frumped the fuck up or simply has the wrong equipment for him. He's volatile enough to cook the help breakfast. I may let the cleaning lady raid my fridge but I sure as hell won't cook her breakfast. The wife has none of the symptoms associated with battered wife syndrome. The fact that she is vilifying him speaks volumes as battered wives usually defend the hubby.

"I've tried to distance myself, but my husband met Dax, saw how buff Dax is, and offered him a landscaping job at our home! " I mean really what guy hires a landscaper based on how Buff he is?

"But their first choice? younger women." No not really. Once the myth of virgin conquest fades many college age guy bag cougars. It's a lot more fun when there aren't all these expectations. With a 20 something its about status and enduring love (no clue what she meant either). With a well ages 40 something its about sausaging the shit out of her.

"I don't think there's a cream for that"

Cue the cabana boy! Start the sleazy wacka-wacka guitar tape playback! Aaaand ... ACTION!

"No not really. Once the myth of virgin conquest fades many college age guy bag cougars."

Who is propounding a myth? Me, in saying that young men prefer young women to older women, or you, who say "many" college age guys bag cougars.

Anyway, my point is that the lady writing in should consider whether her lust is/will be reciprocated. If she "goes for it" he may look at her with first confusion, and then an awkward "ah, hey, um...I don't want to hurt your feelings but..."

Put another way, she better be hot for a 40-something, otherwise a hot 25 year old is going to be awkwardly trying to change the topic, or outright saying "No, thanks." Hot 25 year olds get sex from other hot 18-25 year olds.

He ain't no monk, is my guess, waiting for her charms.

"Put another way, she better be hot for a 40-something" Completely agree if she's homely and frumpy no one wants her but that goes for any age. There are plenty of 20 somethings no one would touch unless they were near dead from beer goggles.

"Who is propounding a myth?" Neither. High school senior and college freshmen were obsessed with that shit when I did my time in undergrad. Tended to fade after the first few ring rabies dates. Cougars put out and don't generally suffer from that affliction.

For the moment, I'll assume her assessment of her husband is accurate. Maybe he's a total pain in the ass to live with. But she still made some promises to him over 20 years ago, and the honorable thing to do would be to try to work out their problems instead of turning to the sexy new possibly gay household help.

LW, there's no indication in your letter that "Dax" returns your affections at all. Let it go.

For the moment, I'll assume her assessment of her husband is accurate. Maybe he's a total pain in the ass to live with. But she still made some promises to him over 20 years ago, and the honorable thing to do would be to try to work out their problems instead of turning to the sexy new possibly gay household help.

LW, there's no indication in your letter that "Dax" returns your affections at all. Let it go.

Searching for the right words..searching..ah, there they are..from the movie "As Good As It Gets"..

Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

The LW EVEN ADMITS this would be a bad idea but still wants it ("take away reason"), and wants the husband to run away to remove any barriers ("and accountability"). I'm really starting to see how Heartiste is right...

Hubbie is g-a-y.
Duh.

Well, to be fair from the way the letter reads even I got a mental picture of an older guy feeding the gardner by hand.

Though that was more from the tone rather than her acctuall words

It isn't too late to . . . [t]ell your husband how unhappy you are -- in a way that motivates him to take action and makes him feel that he may lose you if he doesn't change.

I'm sorry, but it IS too late. The guy's in his 60's, ferchrissake--no way is he going to change.

I think that Dax is probably enjoying the attention, and is using it to his advantage. Perhaps hubby is paying/tipping him better because he likes him, and all men like the ego boost of having a woman lust after them.
Being middle aged myself, and married to a hottie that is 20 years younger than me, I can say that not *all* men think alike, and if the LW is in good shape, and has taken care of herself, she probably could get a roll in the hay from Dax, but that is where it would stop because he's not her friend, he's her crush. You have to be best friends first, or it becomes just another orgasm/notch on the bedpost for the guy.

This woman clearly doesn't have any respect for the man that has afforded her such luxuries as a gardner and the leisure time to use fantasizing about the gardener. Hey letter writer, read lobster's posts. He is right and you are an awful person.

I also agree with Amy that those that are talking about the husband being gay are jumping to conclusions too rapidly. Remember that the tone of the original email is coming from a whore that resents her benefactor so much that she likely looks for any opportunity to emasculate him.

"Because my husband is such a jerk, I was sure he'd drive Dax away, but he and Dax have great rapport!"

Maybe that's because your husband is not actually a jerk. You sound to me like so many women who desperately want to make their husband the villain in order to excuse their own moral failings. Go ahead and fuck the help. You're going to do it anyway. But don't think for a minute that you're fooling anyone into thinking that you were "forced into his arms". This "groundwork" you're laying will only work amongst the friends you have. I'm guessing that you've made a concerted effort to surround yourself with friends that are as equally vapid, dim-witted, and amoral as you. Good on you. Maybe you have, through thoughtful planning and foresight, found a group of friends that will actually be fooled by your little story. Keep telling your little story to yourself. Make your husband the bad guy. That way, you don't have to be the bad guy and you can still fuck the gardner. Congratulations!

Unless you really want a divorce, I would even consider having Dax written out of the plot at this stage (e.g. find some excuse to let him go - e.g. tell him finances are tight or something) and then work out your marriage issues .. it might be 'the mature thing to do', and is probably the least we'd expect if the genders were reversed and it was a man who had become smitten with his hot housekeeper or nanny (which is why this letter is also one of those that drives home for me how we still unconsciously hold women to lower behavioral standards than men).

At one stage, we had two potential part-time housekeepers ... one was hot (and liked to dress in figure-hugging clothes that showed off her figure, hmmmm), one was really not good-looking, but they were both good workers ... we had to pick one and without even thinking I let my wife decide ... she chose the not-good-looking one, and it only occurred to me months later this might have been deliberate on her part :). Probably for the best, too .. my judgment was already starting to become clouded.

You don't lose weight by keeping junk food right in front of your face, so it is with temptation.

Okay, let's say your hubby ISN'T in the closet. The "hottie" is both shrugging off your husband's snide comments to you AND flirting with you in front of him. Hello? Does that sound like a guy with any real concern about anyone but his own "buff" self?

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ATTENSIONS
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