Maybe you should think about how many relationships he's had... to see if this is clueless behavior or as Amy says: "unbreakup"

You've been dating a long time, and it's easy to lose sight of habits that both of you do, that in any other context would be dealbreakers.

Have you become a friend with benefits? None of this may matter much to him, if he's clueless. Knowing you are THERE is sometimes enough for a guy, especially if he's got a mountain of work going on...

but that doesn't mean it fair to you, he may just not know. "MAY" being operative.

On the far side of the spectrum is a guy that knows full well what a woman might expect, and isn't interested at all in providing it.

DO NOT make an ultimatum, unless you are quite willing to have him say: "OK, later."
Most guys HATE.HATE.HATE. ultimatums.

So it's worth it to figure out what he's thinking if anything. You have been together a long time, long enough that it shouldn't be an issue for you to have the talk about where the relationship is going, and you can indicate that this has happened because he has suddenly become scarce.

Commitment is an interesting thing. Some people never commit overtly, but they will stay by your side forever. some people NEED overt commitment to put their minds at ease.

When those two types of people are together, they can often not notice what the other person needs, because it simply doesn't occur to them.

OR, this may be a case where you both need to MOA, because it's not working.

Don't ascribe to malice, what is easily seen as stupidity. [Or inexperience, or differing POV...]

"You deserve to be happy. You only get one life, and you worked really hard to keep yours."

Yes. And if your BF was there for you while you were working for it, he knows this, too. You guys need to talk (seriously).

Sounds like he is breaking up without breaking up. 45 minutes away is not that far......

Maybe he relishes negative aspects of a relationship (breast cancer, addiction etc) and does not know what to do when things are good.

My stepdad left my mom of 20+ years by just leaving one afternoon and pretending nothing had happened.

Sorry, it happens!

This could be all about "money" I have met some extremely cheap people who are perfectly fine companions if you never get to the point where they have an ethical obligation to shoulder half of the bills.
If he is living with his dad "for free", that could be enough to keep him 45 minutes away for a long long time.
Men who are 41, and never married have been free for a long time. It is extremely hard for many of them to get used to the constant presence of another unrelated and possibly clingy human being.
Maybe the relationship with the raging alcoholic worked becuase she was in an out of rehab enough to give him some space.

"So it's worth it to figure out what he's thinking if anything."

And "figure out" here means "Ask him for a straight-up, no-bullshit answer." And then list to exactly what he says, not what you think he might mean. If he's a stand-up guy he'll give you a straight answer. But he's a guy. Subtle hints won't work, OBVIOUS hints won't work, you gotta ask very directly. THIS IS NOT A DEFECT OF HIS CHARACTER! It's just that he doesn't communicate these things the way a girl does. When it feels to you like you're talking to an 8-year-old, you're prolly about right.

Four years is plenty of time for a couple to discuss the Big Five...Wanting or Not Wanting Marriage, kids, and religion plus career and financial goals. Ideally two or three get discussed in the Honeymoon Ask Me Anything Phase with the rest being picked up at least by end of Year Two. They're best covered during lazy afternoons in a low key way. Since the BF has already distanced himself the LW has likely missed the boat on those conversations. The best she can do is a "Will we ever live together and if so when" talk, which will reveal that its time to move on. The LW can always remember the BF as a man who helped her survive a difficult time in her life.

Close cousin to the "unbreakup" is the "mental breakup" in which one person mentally dumps the other and then proceeds to prepare for and adjust to their single life until they are completely weaned off the relationship. When the actual breakup happens, the dumpee is blindsided while the dumper already has both feet out the door.

It sounds like that's what's happening here. LW's boyfriend has already set up a new household in a new town where there's no room for the LW. She's still thinking in terms of their future while he's clearly not. Talking about it seems a little beside the point now. No matter what he says, his actions indicate that he's moved on.

Probably the best thing for LW to do is force his hand and just breakup with him now. Best case scenario he realizes he can't live without her and takes the necessary steps to make the relationship work. Most likely that won't happen, but at least LW will have an answer and can move on rather than hanging in relationship limbo.

I am curious - does this guy have a day job as well as the renovation thing? It is odd, living 45 min away and only seeing each other once every 2 wks., unless he is very busy.

I have known male severely late bloomers, who just are unaware of (or phobic of) the desires of women who want something of a standard household. these guys typically have a whole lot invested in their independence, privacy of finances and activities - in other words - space. I wouldn´t bet on this BF wanting to "settle down" soon.

Does he have other women?

What kind of house needs two years to renovate?

That seems a bigger red flag on the breakup front than him only seeing you twice a week if you are not living together.

I am confused...what was the situation before the remodel? Was BF living with OP? Living on his own but closer?

If the BF moved out to work on the place that sounds bad.

I have been trying to work on my place but around my job there isn't much time. I maybe get 1 hour in a night. The weekend is the only time I really get any time and if I need to go to certain stores that are on the far side of town that is the only time I get to go there. So for the BF, if his situation is similar to mine, there maybe little time to miss her...he is busy. Where it sounds like she is sitting by the phone pining away.

45 mins away? That's it? Fuck the house, I'd take the nookie. If I was interested. Serious hint there. If that was what he really wanted, it would be spend the week at gf's house, then weekend away doing the renovations. Maybe he'd go out there a night a week to help. Christ, I've driven further than that to and from work every day for years.

In case no one spotted it - not buying the excuse.

Yeah, 45 minutes away is nothing. She could travel there a couple of evenings a week, but I assume he's told he's busy renovating.

I see a couple of comments saying that 45 minutes away is not far for the BF to go, but I think they are missing the whole point of him living there in the first place, which is almost certainly to give him more time to work on the remodeling after his regular job.

LW, I would ask if there is anything YOU can do to help HIM (unless you are like my wife, and the chemo left you with something like peripheral neuropathy that makes working with your hands an exercise in self-torture), so that you can see him more often, by going over and doing little things to make the job easier, or maybe cooking dinner for them while they work, or something like that. If he doesn't want you to do that, THEN you might be seeing the unbreakup that Amy describes.

If both he + his Dad are working jobs, renovations can take a long time, still seeems extra long though. Like others have said at 45 min away, why can't she visit and help them? Even if you know nothing about construction and cancer weakness theres stuff that can help. Something like "If I come over on Sat and run to the stores for you guys and help with lunch/dinner: then I get to steal him away on Sunday."

I know it's beside the point of this column, but this timeline for the renovation is bugging me. They've been at it for 6 months, and more than 2 years to go?! My ex-husband was a construction guy who worked for his employer during the day and when he came home we worked on flipping houses (or other similar projects). Do they not know what the hell they're doing? Is it too big for two guys to complete in less time? Is the house in shambles? If so, how can they live in it? On what planet do these guys think it's possible to pay a mortgage for 2.5 + years and still make a profit on a "flip"?

And like Joe J said, even if you know nothing about construction (like me), you can still be helpful. Clean-up, meal prep, bring drinks and snacks, caulking, painting, etc. And when there's nothing left for you to do, you can, as my ex-husband used to say, just "stand there and look pretty".

I have seen some people pay as they go to do renovations. To the debt adverse, this is the way they build houses and renovate them.

As far as the girlfriend is concerned, unless the boyfriend's day job is much nearer to her place, than her dad's. I still think this could be a money thing.
I have encontered too many women who think that if a guy "really wanted to be with them" he should be willing to become a debt slave to do so.

45 minutes of driving for me is at least 4 gallons of gas if you go both ways. That is 12-20 bucks in gas alone every day. Potentially 500 bucks a month if you do it every day. That is a lot of money just to hold someone's hand. Maybe he can't afford to be as supportive as he was when she was ill.

Has LW ever actually *met* his Dad? Can she be sure that her boyfriend's Dad isn't a "MRS Boyfriend"? It wouldn't be the first time that sort of thing had happened......
Color me cynical.

"What kind of house needs two years to renovate?"

I bought just a little bit of a 'fixer-upper', and trust me, it is an unbelievably huge amount of work ... you can't imagine how much unless you actually try it yourself. Unless you're wealthy and have a lot of money to throw at contractors (which doesn't sound like the case, given this sounds more like a family / DIY project), two years sounds extremely plausible to me. I've been doing weekend-project fixer-uppering on our house for over a year and I've barely scratched the surface.

@Meloni "On what planet do these guys think it's possible to pay a mortgage for 2.5 + years and still make a profit on a "flip"? "

Who said they are trying to make a profit? Maybe the dad's just underwater on it like everyone else. I don't think we have remotely enough info to judge.

Your ex-husband being "a construction guy" also inherently helps immeasurably, in that you indeed already have experience and knowledge in how to do things, have all the right tools, know exactly where to buy whatever you need, and probably can bring in 'extra hands' for some jobs on occasion (and already have all the contacts and know who to use and who not to use).

Men also actually use renovation work to cut their teeth and learn these things in the first place, that is how you learn ... I am learning a huge amount from fixing up my own house ... the next one would go much quicker. Not everyone has professional construction industry experience, how exactly is that something to judge people on and look down on them for? Looking down on someone for not being a construction expert would be like me looking down on you for not automatically being a computer expert.

Another point is that some men also do these types of 'weekend projects' for enjoyment.

Fair point, I grew up on constructions sites in the summer so my estimated time might be different. It took my dad and I, at the age of 15, less than three months to take an undeveloped 1200 sq ft basement and turn it into a 3bed 1 bath suite with a familly room and a large storage room. Thing that took the longest was the stupid mosaic pattern he wanted in the abthroom

Lobster: Who said they are trying to make a profit? Maybe the dad's just underwater on it like everyone else. I don't think we have remotely enough info to judge.

From the column: Six months ago, he moved in with his dad (45 minutes away) after his dad asked him to help renovate a house he bought to flip.

In my experience, you don't buy a house to flip unless you intend to make a profit.

P.S. I was not looking down on them, but unless dad is swimming in money, it doesn't strike me as a smart move. I can think people aren't making smart moves without looking down on them.

"In my experience, you don't buy a house to flip unless you intend to make a profit"

You must be joking ... thousands of people bought houses to "flip" during the bubble years (and trailing years after the bubble), and ended up underwater. It was the biggest global real estate bubble (and crash) ever in human history, perhaps you remember it?

Hindsight is always 20/20, you can look down on all the "stupid" people who bought into the bubble, that would sure be a lot of ordinary Americans.

Or now that her 'crisis' is 'over' is he 'bored'?

He sounds like a possible crisis junkie.

He doesn't know how, isn't able to do mundane be in love & together everyday unless there is something BIG to be overcome.

Add that to One Foot Out the Breakup Door, disconnect and other aspects of guys who stay not permanently attached for so long.

For LW it's prolly THAT much more confusing b/c what guy hangs in there for breast cancer & disappears when you are well?

Mix and match all the comments and you have a pretty good sketch of the overall scenario.

Sadly it seems like you just have to go at him head on, offer many of the great ideas here - go there once every other weekend, once a week and help as best you can.

Try to negotiate a standing date once a month. I he balks at all ask him what he really wants.

People only hate ultimatums that aren't fair. Try "Here's what I need from a relationship - a, b, c. Can you do that? If you can't starts to shift back towards that in next 6 weeks then I need to move on so I can get my needs met."

I know quite a few people who bought houses to "flip" when everyone was making money doing so, and ended up in a mess.

"In my experience, you don't buy a house to flip unless you intend to make a profit. "

Hello, the house was BOUGHT in the PAST - PAST TENSE. IT HAS ALREADY BEEN BOUGHT. So he might have INTENDED to make a profit WHEN HE BOUGHT IT, and is now (PRESENT TENSE) just hoping, like millions of others in negative equity, to lose as little as possible.

@Meloni Here is some reading material for you:

http://www.cnbc.com/id/46593271/Negative_Equity_Traps_One_Third_of_American_Borrowers

"Negative Equity Traps One Third of American Borrowers"

"As home sales begin a slow recovery and potential buyers dip their toes back in real estate's still-troubled waters, many of them face a huge barrier to entry: Negative equity, that is, borrowers who owe more on their mortgages than their homes are currently worth.

One point 1 million, or 22.8 percent, of all residential properties with a mortgage were in negative equity at the end of the fourth quarter of 2011 ... This is up from 10.7 million properties, 22.1 percent, in the previous quarter. Worse yet, another 2.5 million borrowers have less than five percent equity, referred to as near-negative equity, in the fourth quarter.

Combine negative equity and near-negative equity, and about one third of all borrowers cannot sell their homes without either putting up some cash to pay off the mortgage or the closing costs or without the bank agreeing to a short sale. That's when the home is sold for less than the value of the mortgage."

Many of the people in negative equity now are perfectly intelligent people - the reality is that the type of market price signals and information most people require to make informed decisions were largely absent during the formation of the bubble. This is why the crash caught even the majority of the world's top economists by surprise. I'm glad to hear you're smarter than the majority of the world's top economists.

More:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negative_equity

"Negative equity occurs when the value of an asset used to secure a loan is less than the outstanding balance on the loan. In the United States, assets (particularly real estate, whose loans are mortgages) with negative equity are often referred to as being "underwater", and loans and borrowers with negative equity are said to be "upside down"."

A third of American borrowers are "underwater". They aren't all poor decision-makers.

@Lobster: This is a really weird thing to argue with me over, and I'm not sure what your problem is.

I never said everybody profited from flipping houses. I said in my experience one doesn't buy a house to flip unless they intend to profit.

I think it's really weird that your first response argued that maybe the guy didn't buy the house for profit, and your next response rants to me that maybe he did.

I really don't know how to address this, because I don't know what your problem is.

Lobster: I think you're reading way too much into my post.

Lobster: I was reviewing this column this morning and noticed a post by you I had previously missed, about you renovating a house. Will you remind me if you are a man or woman, please?