Honey, you're homesick. Let him go. Take a nice cold shower and for heaven's sake, do NOT re-enlist for ANOTHER year in East Bumfuckistan.

When I lived in Spain (which had one-ply toilet paper, but you had to pull a freaking CHAIN to flush), I romanticized everything about America. American men had better shoes, smelled better, were able to control their hard-ons while dancing and actually KNEW THE WORDS in English to the songs they breathed into my ear. I cringe when I think about the mash notes I wrote on Aerograms to my male friends back home.

Maybe he's found someone who wants him as a sweetheart, not as a friend. Give him some space, and give yourself a break. Immerse yourself in your work and you'll feel better.

Oh NO! I screwed up my relationship that I didn't want and didn't want and now I do, oh yes, oh yes I do because... because... well, I not exactly sure why.

There's nothing like a flip-flopper.

Just a minor observation: She's in Eastern Europe. This is not really so primitive or remote. The culture is similar enough that one can relate - hence, the reason she actually feels cultural pressure to be married already.

Dating local would likely be a bad idea: Most likely (depending a bit on where she is) the culture is patriarchal and macho; women do what they're told or get smacked until they do.

It's dumb for the peace corps to let anyone stay in the same place for three years straight. Personal and cultural problems accumulate; she should have taken a break by now.

I was dating a decent guy, but I told him it was temporary

And of course he didn't think he could change your mind. You knew that, but while it was convenient you ignored it.

it was evident he hadn't let the relationship go

Really? I'm shocked. I've never done that.

I miss him terribly

Too late.

"It's dumb for the peace corps to let anyone stay in the same place for three years straight."

Yeah, we wouldn't want anyone learning the language and culture or making friends.

"When I lived in Spain I romanticized everything about America."

Living in Japan has these phases. Everyone is polite. Followed by these are really the rudest people on earth. Followed by these are just people, all different, like everyone everywhere.

David and Ltw are being harsh. This woman sounds like she handled her interactions with this guy just fine, and when she started having regrets, she went to Amy rather than him. Are you blaming her for feelings that are pretty natural and common when she seems to have dealt with them reasonably?

Amy, thanks for underscoring a message I wish I'd absorbed when I was younger: It can feel awful when someone who was into you stops being into you--even if you had zero romantic interest in this person. It doesn't mean you really wanted him all along, or that you want him now. You just want that feeling of security restored.

It hurts like a rejection because deep down we all want to feel irreplaceable, and here's evidence that you're not. It's also a loss of a secure "fallback." Someone pining over you is a fount of affirmation.

I used to be unable to make my breakups stick, because as soon as the guy started to move on, I'd have a self-esteem crisis and reel him back in. I know in hindsight that I was extremely selfish and afraid, but at the time I believed my feelings were genuine. I loved him! I would end up even more miserable and would put us both through another breakup.

LW: Move on. Let him go. If he wants to talk to you, he'll contact you again. The locals might not be your things, but what about other men in the Peace Corps? Do you even want to be married, or are you just feeling the social pressure to conform?

Harsh? Seriously? Try asking the guy who she broke up with, who was told several times that she "just wanted to be friends," that she had no romantic feelings for him, and who finally had to ask her to leave him alone so he could get over her. And now she's changed her mind.

Changed. Her. Mind. And the thing is that she's not even SURE she made a mistake. He could get back together with her and in a month she might be all: "Oh you know what? I only DO want you as a friend. I'm like, totally serious this time."

Yeah, fuck that.

Yeah, pretty much agree with everybody else. Time to let the fellow go and move on to other things. And to the letter writer I'd add: Whether you regarded the guy as a friend, a maybe-or-maybe-not romantic partner, a missed opportunity, or whatever, you two meant a lot to each other. It's okay to miss him, and it's okay to love him. But loving him means you have to do right by him, and maybe that's why you have to let him go.

Changed. Her. Mind.

But a) she hasn't changed her mind, she's just homesick and b) she hasn't told him anything about her doubts. She went to Amy instead, which strikes me as the right action. I can't see condemning someone for irrational feelings if they behave respectfully, which it sounds like she has with this guy.

Yeah, she reached out for help before doing what she suspected would be the wrong thing.

So she was seeing a guy, decided she want ed to be freinds, joined the peace core, fucked him on her hiatus, signed back up, couldnt figure out why he wanted a relationship (hint it was probably the sex) and now that the guy shows signs of taking the hint she has second thought.

Ladies, Behold!! The metamorphosis of the nice guy into the asshole. $20 bucks says this guys new girl is writing Dear Abby to find out why her boyfreind is such a withholding manipulative asshole

And while I have you ladies, if you truly consider a guy a freind and dont want a realtionship DO NOT ask him for help with anything other than moving heavy objects - see were taught that if a woman brings us her troubles its becuase she trusts and respects us, two of the three legs of a stable relationship

To be fair, the guy DID say he wanted to talk with her and is now blowing off her attempts to do so. It's not like she came out of nowhere to string him along a little more. Still, it's probably best if she lets him make the first move toward a regular ol' friendship, if that's what he wants.

"...two of the three legs of a stable relationship"

Wot's the third leg, Luj? :-)

sex, though that is ususally the third leg (pun intended)

I was sooo hoping someone would ask that question

Seriously though the thrid would be love

To second David, I don't think I'm being especially harsh. From context (pressure to get married) it seems like the LW wants a romantic relationship with him again. Even though she's denied it was that for years. He probably caved one night and messaged her, then realised what a bad idea it was. Hence my tough luck to "I miss him terribly". I once spent 5 years out of contact with an ex who I am now good friends with (10 years after that). She missed me terribly too, and is very glad I got over it.

It's not like she came out of nowhere to string him along a little more.

MonicaP, it doesn't say who contacted who when she came back from her first enlistment. My guess is her. In which case, yeah, she sorta did.

One could go on about beta orbiters and Game and what a woman is attracted to, all possible issues here. But, I could also infer a woman for whom connection with another human could nigh well be impossible. She might be constitutionally incapable of a real, close relationship. They look like us, talk like us, and otherwise are normal folks. It is heart-breaking to be involved with them, they need you and really do want you, but when you start getting close to them things get crazy. Poor kids, both of them.

Yep bkmale, three words: Avoidant Personality disorder. One or both of them probably have it...

I promised not to contact him until he contacted me. This month, after three months of silence, he messaged me saying he wanted to talk, but now he won't respond to my emails to set up a Skype date.

From this, it seems like he broke the silence first.

Yep bkmale, three words: Avoidant Personality disorder. One or both of them probably have it...

It seems like a stretch to diagnose a personality disorder from one letter.

it seems like the LW wants a romantic relationship with him again.

It does seem that way, but it doesn't appear that she is trying to start one with him. She's just feeling rejected, and as long as she keeps that to herself, no harm done. We all have wants that we know shouldn't be shared.

"Are you blaming her for feelings that are pretty natural and common when she seems to have dealt with them reasonably? "

She was fine up the point where she started to want an ending that only happens in rom-com movies. Once again, our expectations are corrupted by the non-realities of popular entertainment. Let it go. Yes, there will be regrets. But everyone has regrets. Let it go.

Have you people never heard of being young and naive? Yes, we don't know how old LW is, but as the sister of someone who sounds a lot like this and has worked for NGOs around the world before the age of 30, going thru these feelings/confusion/etc. is not such a crime. I find this a particularly tough issue simply from the standpoint of living in foreign cultures as a privileged American...then mix in relationship games, age, etc. And PS - people in the Peace Corps, etc. usually have some certain things going on, regarding real intimacy. They wouldn't sign up to leave familiar comforts, family (or lack thereof), etc. otherwise.

$20 bucks says had she not had sex with him durring her furlow he would have stopped pining over her far sooner.

Some guys can be clingers, but no one hangs on for close to three years without some naked time.

I've also seen, and been reciepiant to, how damn quickly a woman can make a guy understand he's never going to see anything naked beyond her arms and face - and not even that if she could help it.

I'm calling foul. Unless the guy was a grade A psycho no one carries on a two year romantic relationship with out some form of reciprocity. And if he was a nut job the letter would have mentioned a restraining order, not a 'maybe I should marry the guy'

Barring an IQ of 80 she did something to make him think he had a shot for more than two years.

I grew up mormon, and not even mormon women will wait two years for sex - most of them dump their boyfriends on a mission and marry the first guy cute enough to fuck just back from his mission.

So I have to wonder just how hard she REALLY tried to make him understand she didnt want a relationship

For the record, no, we did not have sex during my visit home, yes, I do realize now that I was using the relationship as a crutch, and because the pressure here is pretty heavy, I was, in fact, caving in to the cultural attitude that marriage and children are the end goals of a woman's life. I am an individual, I am NOT all of Peace Corps, and while we are obviously a mad bunch, most of us didn't join because we have 'intimacy issues,' or are incapable of real relationships. But thanks for trying to diagnose complex psychological issues from a one person's paragraph, just the same.

As a side note, I decided to let it die. I did not contact him again, and when he tried to reach me to get back in touch, I informed him that I was standing by my choice to end things, after which I deleted him from my friends list.

Better late then never, good for you