Fuck that. If someone I really cared about was baring her (really bad) relationship carnage on FB, for sure I would make it a point to private message her and try to get her to see why it's such a BAD idea. And even if she hates me right now, I'm pretty sure that further on down the road, she'd at least acknowledge that I tried to help. To do anything less is to condone her assholery, and I'll have none of it. And I would hope someone would tell me, if I went off the deep end like that. I might hate them for a little while, but I'd surely forgive them after a time. We're all blessed with 20/20 hind sight. At least, we ought to be. I know I am.

> like drunk dialing not only your rotten ex
> but everyone in his zip code.

Yes.

(Meta, right? I know!)

Also.

(One more.)

Also, this column has a wonderful title.

I would assume that her 400-odd "friends" include quite a few who

-don't check Facebook regularly
-also have hundreds of "friends" and therefore, don't see/read all the status updates (so they don't realize what's going on)
-don't know her that terribly well to step in

I know that may sound far-fetched, but I have under 100 friends (a good deal of whom are more online writing community folks I've never met), and I managed to miss status updates about my best real-life friend being pregnant... I didn't know for a LONG time past the announcement.

If you have lots of friends or a few very-active friends, it can be easy to miss gobs of anger-laced posts. Also, they may have her blocked (I, unfortunately, have had to do this with some "friends" so they could be posting about planning my murder and I wouldn't know it).

Shannon, you forgot to include "Those who see her posts, and are highly amused by them."

I admit I have a few FB friends whose posts I enjoy for the same reason I enjoy Teen Mom.

Anyway, if I were close to the person, I probably wouldn't send a message saying they were "oversharing." If they're so distraught that they're venting on Facebook, unsolicited advice is the last thing they're going to want. Usually, I call them up and say, "Hey, I was reading your Facebook posts. Obviously, you're going through something. Are you OK? Want to talk about it?"

Sometimes, they'll say, "YES! Thank you! So, what happened was..." Sometimes, they'll say, "Nah, I was just venting."

Sometimes, people just want to scream into the void and use FB to do it -- and get attention. And that's their choice for better or worse. A guy in my FB network has expressed interest in a job at my company, but his FB vents against people whom he holds grudges against for far too long have convinced me NEVER to let him know when we've got a job opening.

Yes, she should say something if they're close. It might not make a difference.
My brother overshares and shoots his mouth off on Facebook. I'd say he embarrasses himself regularly, but he really has no shame. Some people are really hostile to the idea that there are things you just don't put in writing.

I'd much rather see comments on FB than have to deal with phone calls where I can't escape. I can block someone in a news feed. Let the woman get it out of her system.

Well, not that it is germane to the point of the column, and Amy, you offered excellent advice, but I am starting to get an idea why her husband ran off with another woman.

It was necessary to stop the constant in your face bitching, which has now been transferred to Facebook.

This will provide a public service, alerting any future boyfriends to what this woman is like, if you ever cross her.

If this woman was, say, accidentally cc'ing her whole address book on private emails, then of course you should alert her to the situation. In this case however, unless LW's friend really doesn't understand how Facebook works, then it's safe to say she knows exactly what she's doing: using a public forum to air her grievances, garner sympathy, and embarrass her ex. There's no need to go stating the obvious and inserting yourself into all the drama--which is probably why no ones called her out via Facebook comments on the inappropriate statuses. I think sofar's advice to give her a call and ask if she wants to talk hits the nail on the head. If you're not close enough for a phone call, a private Facebook message would work too. Otherwise it's best just to stay out of the drama.

My husband's niece (his nephew's wife) was posting things on FB that certainly seemed to imply she was being abused, but she didn't say who it was. I instantly messaged her and asked if she needed help and offered to get her counseling and help to flee, etc., if she was in an abusive situation. I also said "It sure seems to imply it's your husband. If you're just arguing with him and you're venting, this is probably not the place to post this commentary, because everyone is going to remember." She told me they were just arguing, it wasn't physical, she was just mad, and she took down the post. Now I watch them very closely--I at least let her know we were a resource to help if she ever needed it.

I have quite a few young friends in Facebookistan, and when the whole social media thing took off, some of these kids would post song lyrics as status updates.
Of course, being a Mom from the Dark Ages who knows JACK about popular music, I interpreted these dark messages as cries for help and I must have PM-ed a dozen kids, to their glee and my daughter's mortification.
One young woman, though, was doing it CONSTANTLY so I did call her mom and her mom subsequently learned that her child was cutting.
The egg all over my face didn't feel quite so gooey after that. I would always err on the side of caution and compassion if someone I knew were posting weird stuff.

If they're actually willing to hate me forever for trying to stop them from making an ass of themselves, then good riddance.

I think Isab might have a point - this is possibly indicative of why he left. Having your husband leave is surely very stressful, but posting about it like that sounds like some sort of psychosis or something. I mean this in a nice/kind way, this woman needs help, she should probably get a good therapist or something, that way she can both satisfy her desire to vent, and it can be in a constructive way, i.e. with someone who can give her the kind of help and attention she needs. I'm not saying she's a pyscho nutjob, she just sounds like someone whose life is going off the rails a bit, and maybe has one or two deeper issues to deal with.

@Lori "Of course, being a Mom from the Dark Ages who knows JACK about popular music, I interpreted these dark messages as cries for help and I must have PM-ed a dozen kids"

I grew up 'pre-Internet', but had deep depression throughout my childhood (I don't know how I survived), I must have given a thousand 'cries for help' that nobody heard. So while I fully understand the mortification of responding to 'false alarms', I appreciate this. (Not sure telling my parents would have helped though, as they, or at least one of them, were a major cause of the problems in the first place.) But there are many kids out there that need help, so I don't know, 'society' must be creative in finding ways to help them.

Regardless of the circumstances behind the relationship desolving it is ALWAYS a bad idea to rant on a social media site. Much like sharing your marriage woes with your bff...There are two people in a marriage and when you introduce the third person things go down hill. Granted we all need someone to vent to but 500 plus people? It seems like she has a greater need to run a smear campaign and seem vindicated then she does to simply get it off her chest. As her friend, I would remind her that her children..children's friends and their parents are likely to see this. The possibility of hurting others needlessly seems greater than the likelihood of changing the ex's behavior.