Youz guys like corny movies? See Hyde Park.

It's 100% worthless as history, and not a great movie… Barely even "based on real events"… But not bad as melodrama.

(Includes scenes of stinky Hollywood liberalism.)

But there are a couple of good moments in there about how people will look to us for the good things they want to see. They won't ask first... They'll just do it. We need to anticipate.

Crid, I was listening to Mamma Mia in the car and thought of you. There's this scene between Sophie and Donna in which Sophie berates Donna for not telling her who her dad is.

Don't worry so much!! So what if you have spinach in your teeth? Imagining that you are the first person that has ever happened to is self defeating. We've all been there. Laugh it off. Chances are people won't notice anyway. Start chatting with people at the grocery store, line at the bank, where ever. Most will respond favorably. Don't worry if they don't. It's a reflection on them, not you.

You're young (at 30). As people get older they are less like they were in high school and more adult. Welcome that!

It may take a few social situations to learn to relax. It's easier in settings where you have nothing to lose; when will you ever see these people again? Socializing with colleagues from work? Well, you are still at work then. Don't forget that.

I once tagged along with a bf to a social gathering at the home of one of his associates. It was at their home. Bf was a bar owner and refrigeration repair guy. The associate was an attorney. The women hung out in the kitchen, the guys in the living room. I wandered into the kitchen and got, "who are You?" So much for introductions. They couldn't ignore me enough, so I went into the other room with the guys and had a much better time. Their rudeness was on them, not me. They were a bunch of kept women who made no effort whatsoever to include me in their conversation. I figured out later that they probably didn't like my bf (he was sort of a blow hard). That has never happened since and I made a mental note to always be inclusive when there is a new person to the group-it's just the right thing to do.

And those goofy tampons! They will flip out at always the wrong moment-thanks for the laugh on that one.

Fake it.

I am insanely shy... even ordering pizza and family gatherings with my dad's side (I don't know them well) are full of anxiety for me. So I made it a point to just do it anyway. Accept that you're going to feel like throwing up, but force yourself to deal with being uncomfortable. Eventually it's not as hard, even if you do replay all the conversations over in your head later to check yourself...

Take the "stupid" public speaking course. In retrospect, I wish I had done it much earlier.

It helps to remind yourself that no one is paying as much attention to you as you are. Extreme social anxiety is a form of self-absorption.

In other words, you'll connect better if you stop trying to hide your fallibilities and instead volunteer them.

It's true. I just made a mental list of the Top 5 most popular people I know. What do they have in common? They LOVE having people laugh at their expense. And they make people around them feel comfortable by sticking their OWN necks out first in social situations.

Of course there's this:
*laugh at people's jokes, people love it when others think they are funny;
*Listen to people, prove that you heard what someone just said to you;
*avoid complaining;
*don't drink around people you don't know well;
*and quit worrying so much.

People like nice people. Smile alot. Of course, the more someone says, relax and be yourself, the more you might scratch your head (as if that really aids in the thinking process) and wonder who you are. So find out, if you don't know.

And WHAT exactly is wrong with taking the 'stupid public speaking course'? There are Toastmaster chapters everywhere, she needs to join one, they're just clubs for people to learn how to be the social animals we're meant to be.
Hell, I do Civil War show & tell programs for 8th graders. I took public speaking in high school, but I had to make a regular effort out of it before I could stand in front of any group, anywhere.

A person with high social anxiety is given advice like "Don't worry so much. Just open up and be yourself." What most don't understand is that's like telling an alcoholic "Just don't drink. Just make a decision to not take that first drink." Sure, it's good advice, and simple. But if it was that easy to JUST DECIDE and make it happen, don't you think they would? What is an easy choice for most can require unbelievable effort and courage for others, the person has a seemingly insurmountable obstacle and no idea what to do, they feel quite powerless and hopeless. That can all be changed, and a person has responsibility to take action to effect change. There are rewards for the struggle, but there are still those days when I take serious count of the costs. Hang in there LW, you can do this, but you have to "DO".

Why does she have to try to meet the man of her dreams at a party? She's obviously not able to relax and be herself at parties. How can you expect to meet people you would enjoy socializing with when it's at a function you hate? You should have advised her to make friends in venues where she's comfortable

I make most of my friends at the gym, because guess what? Since we're at the gym, there's at least one thing we have in common.

Maybe I'm doing this wrong and I should start cruising the quilting bee.

be friendly, be warm, smile.
compliment someone sincerely.
ask people about their jobs, their pets, their last vacation, whatever, that isn't overly personal.
look them in the eye and really listen to them when they speak.
even tell someone who is outgoing that you are shy and have trouble at parties-they may take you under their wing or talk to you and introduce you to others and they will appreciate your honesty.
nice people will like you when you are nice to them.

LW, Patrick has a good point: One thing that helped me a lot was choosing social situations where everyone is there for the same general purpose. That helps you get past the "OMG, what do I say to anyone, what do I talk about" phenomonen. It also helps that the people there have some role to play; that tends to simplify the social-interaction rules a lot. For me, it's ballroom dancing, but there are plenty of other types of group activities that have the same general properties. This is a lot easier for people like us to deal with then regular parties, where you walk in and thing "OK, I'm here, now what?"

A person with high social anxiety is given advice like "Don't worry so much. Just open up and be yourself." What most don't understand is that's like telling an alcoholic "Just don't drink. Just make a decision to not take that first drink." Sure, it's good advice, and simple. But if it was that easy to JUST DECIDE and make it happen, don't you think they would? What is an easy choice for most can require unbelievable effort and courage for others, the person has a seemingly insurmountable obstacle and no idea what to do, they feel quite powerless and hopeless. That can all be changed, and a person has responsibility to take action to effect change. There are rewards for the struggle, but there are still those days when I take serious count of the costs. Hang in there LW, you can do this, but you have to "DO".

This x 1000!

I used to have panic attacks if I even thought about going somewhere that would be crowded (as in, more than 1 or 2 people that I didn't know). I'm not shy, exactly, more like gun shy. I have had enough people treat me terribad that I can't stand to step out of my comfort zone of familiar faces.

I have gone thru therapy, meds, all sorts of things, and I have managed to bring things under control, sorta. I am more in the anxiety attack range, but as long as I have my hubby or daughter with me, I am usually ok.

So, yeah, it isn't a case of flipping a switch to fix it. It takes work, and you need to know where to start, and what sorts of things will help you, because we all respond to different things.

Some tools to stick in your social anxiety "toolbox":

- listen more than you talk, (and pay attention), because...

- even the most obnoxious SOB loves a listener, and...

- you can learn what the other person finds important...

- which let's you make "trigger" comments that start the other person talking ("how did you get into cake decorating?", "what's your favorite part about being a PR exec?", "I've never been to Ulan Bator, what's it like?", "probate sounds awful, how did you get through it?")...

- you can come up with an arsenal of questions like these ahead of time at your leisure. Watch Charlie Rose if it helps.

- chances are that if someone brings it up, they want to talk about it, so you'll be a hero to them...

- BONUS: this puts the other person in the spotlight, not you!

- before long you will learn enough about the other person that s/he will not be a stranger any more.

I use self-deprecating humor by nature, and other forms of humor too. I find this really warms people up to me. However you have to have the right delivery otherwise it could make the other person feel awkward.

Someone that has that bad of anxiety might want to try exposure therapy followed by breathing techniques. Also hanging out with more outgoing people to see how they do it.

One thing I learned from a psychiatrist though (when I was having problems with telling people about my boundaries) is having a template of things to say.

I suspect that if it's this bad at 30 though she might need a tiny bit of medication (as a crutch) and exposure therapy. Once therapy progresses you can drop the medication.