Back in the day, a guy kept calling me up and asking me out. I kept putting him off. I couldn't go. I was too busy. I was too tired. The third time, he said, "You stuck up bitch. Did you think that no one else would go out with me? Do you think that you are just so special that my heart would be broken if you don't go out with me? You should have just told me that you didn't want to go out. I wouldn't have wasted my time on you. I'd be out with someone else right now."

It was an epiphany. He was right. The kindest, most respectful thing that I could do was to let him know right away that I was not interested so that he could move on. I started doing that and had no problems.

His advice served me better than the advice I got from my mom and my best friend's mom. My mom said to let them down easy while her mom said to always be nice to all the boys because they may have cute friends. Perhaps the advice is not mutually exclusive, it's just that I had misdefined "nice."

How about when you meet a guy and very soon after talking and texting (maybe a few days of meeting), the conversation turns to sex? Am I old fashioned? I almost get the feeling sometimes that I'm viewed as prudish because I don't really reciprocate...but I never feel comfortable texting or talking about sex before I even know someone well. Is this some modern dating expectation and I missed the memo?

Beyond "let him down easy" date-avoidance answers like "I'm busy", how about no answers at all?

Recently I've had three "no answer means the answer is no" non-responses to date requests. They were via facebook, because that was how we were primarily communicating anyway. Despite a lot of contact initiated by them, them digging through my photos to "like" them, and other things I overestimated as signs, once I asked them out, the messages stopped.

Whatever happened to "no thank you"?

Back to the telephone. In each of these cases the answer would still have been "no", but at least I'd have one.

It's a shame that these ladies apparently have to be cornered into courtesy.

Indeed, a polite "no, I'm not interested" is best. Don't string the guy along.

That said, the guy in LW's tale must be especially clueless. She will have to be *very* direct with him. If he takes it badly, that's really his problem.

Friendship? Let's be honest and say he's relegated to the rude and clueless acquaintance camp. Or does one suffer rude behavior these days for fear of offending the offensive?

Yes women should let men know they are not interested with a polite no thank you. But this guy from the beginning was being too aggressive. He was after her when she was in a relationship and his behavior during that time completely repulsed her and his behavior since has only gotten worse. He got her to meet him by lying about it being a group meeting. This man does not deserve a polite no thank you, he deserves a LEAVE ME ALONE, never contact me again for any reason.

Jen, I have always told men I was not interested and some remained friends and others bad mouthed me to the world. One size does not fit all.

Kg, if the first thing they start to do is sexting, you should run. You are not a prude you are trying to get to know someone and all they are interested in talking about sex? RUN!

Thank you Amy. I realize both the LW and the guy in this are distressed, but your answer is both spot on, and really did have me laughing out loud. (Now I'm wondering what my wife thinks of all the socks I own: dress socks, running socks, biking socks, skiing socks, ...)

Ladies, just say "no". Really. It only hurts on our end for a little while, not the weeks that dragging out the truth takes.

Treadwell, my wife of 25+ years still occasionally pulls that crap. "You want to do Activity A with Friends 1 and 2?" "... ...". First time, I assume she didn't hear me, the second time, silence equals "no". Why the hell not just say it? I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want an answer. With a "no", I'd just not have gotten what I asked for - instead of pissed off to boot. The reciprocal would just be assuming she wanted to go, and take her without asking.

For what it's worth ... please remember that this is not just a "female" thing. I've applied for a lot of jobs over the last few years, and I'm lucky if I get a call or a letter saying we've already filled the position, you're not qualified, etc. I got two letters last year saying something like "we are no longer filling the position" ... ??? What, so you decided not to hire? You hired someone but don't want to tell me?

NO ONE wants to say no. No one wants to be direct when conveying bad news. Straightforward rejection is so politically incorrect nowadays that no one even seems capable of doing it properly, in a way that conveys that rejection even occurred. I think that's why Trump's "You're fired!" schtick is so popular - it's just so shocking in these don't-hurt-anyone's-feelings times.

They were via facebook,

This was your problem. Get their phone numbers and call them. I don't ever feel compelled to respond to invitations over Facebook. It's usually people "inviting" me to buy tickets to see their band perform.

But, but Mommmmeeee. How dare the mean man not know something I never told him???

Jen, I would have more respect for that guy if he had conveyed his message without using the b-word toward you. It seems like he asks out women who aren't interested in him just so he can get away with insulting them.

My favorite part of this is she believes she is clearly giving body language hints, but "we share work and social circles, so any tension would be noticed right away." Sorry if people aren't noticing any tension, then she isn't saying no though body language. If she were body languaging it as much as she claims, the rest of the group would have noticed and done something.

From my own experience, had tried to date a girl who thought that, " I'm swamped this weekend, maybe next Sat" was a clear 'No'. I have to admit it took me a while and a mutual friend to figure that one out.

Yes women should let men know they are not interested with a polite no thank you. But this guy from the beginning was being too aggressive.

Agreed. She should be up-front with him. And also consider not being his friend. He seems like a creeper.

Although I guess it depends if the creepiness comes from a place of social awkwardness -- or from something more sinister.

If it's the former, you'd be doing him a favor by telling him that saying "I was hoping you wanted a date," when you call him about volunteer work makes you uncomfortable. If it's the latter (a telltale sign will be if you tell him you're uncomfortable, and he still does it), cut ties in all ways you can. If you must interact with him socially, treat him like a distant acquaintance and continue to tell him he's making you uncomfortable.

LW, meet Socially Awkward Penguin. As Amy said, you're going to have to hit him over the head. You don't have to hit hard, but you do have to get the message across. In a way I feel for the guy; he clearly doesn't know how to go about asking a girl for a date, and he also don't seem to recognize interest or disinterest signs. Of course, I'm the guy who is always the last to pick up on flirting, according to my wife, so what do I know. But yeah, just be straight with him, and it will probably stop.

(Then again, it could be that the guy is just a cad. But cads usually have a much smoother approach than that.)

"I got two letters last year saying something like 'we are no longer filling the position' ... ??? What, so you decided not to hire? You hired someone but don't want to tell me? "

Actually, this happens a fair amount in my industry. A company that is bidding on a contract might make you an offer contingent on winning. If they don't win, you get a letter like this.

I don't understand women who put up with jerks, victim-style. Are they really that obsessed with themselves? What ever happened to "Sorry, no thanks" or in extreme cases "Sorry, don't speak loser"? If the guy is nice, "Sorry dude, friend zone..."

Anything else is just feeding your own vanity.

Huh!
Women don't like to say no because in the back of their mind they like to keep the guy around "just in case". When a woman really means to say no most of the the guy get it.
So, LW, you problem is that you don't mean what you said to that guy. Make up your mind.

A lot of women are taught that they need to be nice all the time and never hurt anyone's feelings. That leads to a lot of not-nice behavior and a lot of hurt feelings.

On the flip side, a lot of men don't take rejection gracefully. They say they want honesty, but when they get it, they go complaining to their friends about what a bitchy whore she is.

I'm with Mere Mortal - she likes the attention and secretly enjoys having an orbiter. Otherwise, she'd just tell him straight up to get lost. Very few women have difficulty being nasty to men they consider beneath them, and who can be conveniently dismissed as "creepers."

As Rollo Tomassi put it so well, "Attention is the coin of the female realm."

I'm probably over thinking, but this confuses me. She starts off by referring to "a male friend", and yet every other descriptive of him is so negative, such as "angry and revolted", "icky comments", and her "body language conveys distaste for any involvement with him".

Why is she friends with him at all? Is maintaining contact with him truly necessary for this volunteer work? It doesn't take a lot to request that another person take on that responsibility. Seems a bit martyr-like to me.

"Yes women should let men know when they're not interested."

How about men letting women know they're not interested? Or men letting men know, and women letting women know?

Or hermaphrodites letting women/men/other hermaphrodites know?

It might be interesting to hear how Amy would have answered this question if it were a from a disinterested man with a woman hitting on him.

"Women don't like to say no because in the back of their mind they like to keep the guy around "just in case"

Women don't say no directly because they are not direct. It's not some ulterior plot. They also tend to socialize with other women they find rude etc. because women as a general rule will be indirect about how they truly feel. They expect you to read their signs.

When I was younger I was guilty of this, especially when I was new to dating or when it was guys in my circle. I didn't want to hurt their feelings. Then I got over it.

On occasion the direct method has gotten me called a bitch.

Edit: They expect you to read their signs and for YOU to take action.

Some women might not say no to keep a guy around. But then they'll do other minor things to keep his interest or appear that dating is a possibility. Like lite flirting or some other interaction that will keep him paying attention. If there is no response at all after a guy has dropped lots of not so subtle hints, then her inability to say no isn't stringing him along. It's the fear of looking like a bad person or risking the emotional fall out from him in regards to anger or whatever that keeps her from telling him "I'm not interested".

Part of being a grown up is taking responsibility and action for how you feel. If you don't like the guy/girl and have absolutely no desire to ever date them, you need to say so in a polite but no nonsense sort of way. And then it's totally on them how they act.

On occasion the direct method has gotten me called a bitch.

Posted by: Ppen

I like bitches, my moms a bitch, I have three aunts and half of them are bitches

Contrary to this LW's apparent belief, the world doesn't revolve around her ... I'm betting he's just like this with many women, and hardly gives you a second thought, because by playing the numbers he scores occasional hits. Yet in this woman's mind, it's this huge manufactured drama revolving about 'tension' and 'their friendship'. To be 'angry' that a guy wants to have sex with you? Seriously? Get over it, if you're even halfway 'not ugly', then half the men you meet also want to have sex with you. Fact of life. And it's not personal. The only reason for there to be 'tension' is if you are the one creating the tension.

"I don't understand women who put up with jerks, victim-style. Are they really that obsessed with themselves?"

You know, people criticize the 'male ego', but it has nothing on the female ego sometimes. This woman is so allegedly "disgusted" by - OH MY GOD - some man actually LIKES her - that she is even writing in to an advice column about it, to broadcast to the world this drama over a guy who is beneath her that likes her.

She claims righteous indigation that "... he's never cared that I'm not interested" ... yes, how dare he still feel attracted to you after you asked him not to. Sorry princess, but get over yourself. A guy can control whether or not he acts on his desires, but he can't control whether or not he feels physically attracted to someone ... a man either is, or isn't. It's not a decision. Choosing to ignore it or not to mention it is a decision, sure, but pretending he isn't attracted to you (for your convenience) isn't going to make it go away. What I think deserves some righteous indignation is your apparent people that you get to dictate to other people how they should behave or what they should or shouldn't say.