Supposedly Wilt Chamberlain's death-bed confession was "Instead of fncking 10,000 women, I wish I'd had one woman to fnck 10,000 times." This coming from an Alpha male! By the time a guy has some experience, he generally looks forward to that Last First Kiss... I know, I'm that way. I won't get physical with a woman if I don't see more with her. She shoulda called me.

I'm unclear on whether the asking "whether he'd done this before" came before or after the sex. I'm not sure it changes my answer, because she sounds like she was uneasy about it regardless. LW, if you're worried a guy won't want to date you after having sex on the first date, then you should not have sex on the first date. I do not advocate "why didn't you call meeeeeee" whining, but I think it might be worth it, since you are still communicating with him, to ask him (once!) if he still wants to get that coffee. Beats the limbo of waiting for him to bring it up. You're more likely to get a final decision on your potential relationship status that way. In the likely event the answer is no, then you can at least move on with a little more wisdom than you had before.

I take Amy's advice very seriously. If I really like a guy I will hold out, it's something Amy and my therapist taught me. My therapist makes me hold out so I can really get to know the guy and make sure he's a moral guy. Otherwise I make shitty choices when it comes to men because I get caught up in sex and never get to know the person because my hormones are raging.

However when i want sex I've used guys just for sex and some wouldn't leave me alone. I think it's because I am aloof with them.

For example last year I met a guy who was very classy but I just wanted a good time. He said he wanted the same but was a bit rude to me when we went to his place. That really annoyed me but I needed to get laid. I got laid and afterwards I blew him off all the time. I hate rudeness and because I was just in it for the sex....I didn't need to continue talking to him.

Just FYI he wouldn't leave me alone after that. It cracked me up. I think he thought I would be obsessed with him because he had his own home, was well dressed and spoken. He even wanted to take me out.

I didn't want any of that. I just wanted a lay.

Nah, if he's texting me much less, and Friday came and went with no mention of getting together, I think it's time to move along. Don't call, don't text, chalk it up as a learning experience, and DON'T do it again. At least for a while. And take stock of yourself and try to figure out why you did this. Was it after a long drought of no sex? Then maybe you were just scratching that itch. Nothing wrong with that. But if you're looking for longer term, go slow. Let him call you. Don't give it up too soon. If he really wants it, he'll wait for it.

Great advice Flynne.

Thanks, Purp. Believe me when I tell you, it was one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. (But at least I finally got it!)

Per the LW:

This guy and I ended up having sex on the first date. I asked him whether he'd done this before and still had a relationship, and he said yes, but it didn't last. [emphasis added]

He texted to say the sex was great, and I told him I hope he doesn't feel different about me, and he said he doesn't. [emphasis added]

There are tells in both these sentences. I don't think on first dates most guys are ready to talk about relationships, even if the pants came off. As far as the second quote, I wonder if the dude read that and thought, "should I feel different about her?" There's really only one way he could respond to that without looking like a total heel.

So, I agree with Flynne on this one. LW has better things to do than pine over this guy. Learn from the experience, and decide ahead of time what you're willing to do and when.

So remember, from now on just have sex with the ones you don't really like, so they'll go away and leave you alone.

Or, seriously, play the game. And call the shots. Think about what you want from the next one, and act accordingly. Keep in mind, delayed gratification can be a wonderful thing.

First, for Amy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medusa_(comics)#Powers_and_abilities

Second
Its possible this guy was lying from the get go, and did devalue her for having sex up front. I never have but I'm hardly a poster boy for neurotypical behavior. But I think it is more likely that Old RPM Daddy might have hit it. I think her insistance on making it a big deal made him think she was the type to make EVERYTHING a big deal

Otherwise, you should assume that sex on the first date will be sex on the last date. This isn't to say it necessarily will be. . . . What keeps a man coming back aren't good intentions; it takes an emotional connection that overwhelms his urge to be on to the next. So, whenever it's possible you'll want a particular guy in your life for more than an afternoon, see that you take things slowly enough for an emotional bond to develop.

I don't know if it takes an emotional connection (although that certainly doesn't hurt), but it does take the guy having an interest in a woman for some reason besides sex.

I'd say it's never a bad choice to take things slowly. You'll lose guys who have to sex right away if you do that but, in my opinion, you're better off without those kind of guys anyway. And I suppose I'd agree with Amy that you should assume if you have sex on the first date, you won't see the guy again. But, as she correctly notes, this isn't necessarily the case. If a guy likes things about you other than the fact that you were willing to get naked right away, he's likely going to want to see you again. Whenever I've had sex with a woman on the first date, the sex was great and there was something about her that I liked (her interests, sense of humor, etc.), I wanted to see her again.

Wow PPen, you acted like a PUA and the guy acted like how the girls are supposed to act if such techniques are deployed. That is all.

Janet,

I remember another guy once told me over the phone that he didn't want a girlfriend. I was quiet for a moment then said "uh huh ....well can I still come over?" My intention was to get laid ASAP.
After we did our business a couple times he complained days later that I never wanted a relationship and that I just used him for sex!

These situations make me feel like such a dude sometimes.

Looks like me and Old RPM Daddy had similar reactions. I flagged the same sentences.

I don't necessarily think this is a matter of what you should or shouldn't do on the first date. But whatever you do (or don't), you've gotta own it and not second-guess it. Hinting to your partner that you've been overthinking something that is supposed to be fun an spontaneous is a turnoff.

I think the issue lies in how the LW got Spr Srs about things. Instead of "Wow, that was fun!" she basically said, "Wow, can that thing we just did ever lead to a relationship?" And then, a couple of days later, she basically said, "I'm still thinking about that thing we did. But not about how fun it was. I'm thinking about whether I should have done it and what you are thinking about me!"

I say LW needs to have fun and relax. I'm a girl, but, if a guy said what she said, I'd assume he was trying to pin me down into a relationship. I'd be weirded out.

Last time I slept with a guy on a first date, we ended up married. (6 years so far!) The time before that sucked, but so did the time before that when I waited 4 dates. It's all about the people and the chemistry.
Also, "the rules" don't apply if you're with someone who doesn't slut shame.

"He texted to say the sex was great, and I told him I hope he doesn't feel different about me, and he said he doesn't. But, now he's texting me much less, and Friday came and went with no mention of getting together."

He's gone, babe. He may call, er... text you again. But it will only be for sex. He doesn't want to hurt you. And he doesnt want you to feel bad about what you did. This is the courtesy post-sport-f#€k fade. It helps alleviate the inevitable hangover that follows hopeful hookups. This guy's a pro.

As far as whether or not first-date sex will cause a man to move on, as if it's your responsibility to keep his man sausage in his pants because it tells him to do all sorts of heinous things against his will... that's horse poo.

Amy's absolutely right to assume first date sex will be last date sex. But not because its wrong or stupid. Or because men become bored the minute they get the goods. Its because the only safe thing to assume after ANY first date is that there will not be a second. So if you wanna jump in the sack with no guaranty of any sort.... jump in!

It's your heart. It's your job to protect it. If you require a commitment to have sex. (Even if that is just a commitment to a coffee date.) Then be clear about that. BEFORE THE SEX.

btw...asking if he's ever had a relationship after first date sex is not setting any clear boundary.

And asking if his opinion of you changed communicates that you're ashamed of what you did. Regardless of what ANYONE else thinks, it sounds like YOU'RE not ok with sex outside of a relationship. That's all you need to know.

Hugs! It's ok!