Ennui Go!
My girlfriend and I love each other, but we feel we're becoming numb to hearing it from each other. We've been together three years, so I assume that time is what's put a damper on the "three little words." I suggested that when we are about to say "I love you," we come up with something more personal and meaningful. This, sadly, was difficult and lasted about a day. Now we're back to expressing affection the rote way. Yes, we could have a bigger problem, but beneath this is a bigger worry -- that the relationship will get old, too.
--Same-Old, Same-Old
The pressure to be original in love can be pretty trying. Imagine Shakespeare tentatively mumbling to a woman "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" and hearing back, "Ugh, Will...for the third time this week?"
Likewise, the first time you heard "I love you" from your girlfriend, you probably thought, "Wow, she loves me! Hot damn!" But once a relationship gets going, sometimes "I love you!" wells up from the bottom of the heart and sometimes from the need to say something a little more feel-good than "Gotta get you off the phone so I can clean up this cat vomit." Sometimes, one partner is needy and says it constantly so they can hear it back constantly. (If not for somebody being there in their life to respond, they'd be standing for days on end yelling it into the Grand Canyon.)
So, yes, it's probably time for a little rationing of "I love you" if it's become shorthand for everything short of "pass the salt." But there's actually research by Dr. Sara Algoe and others showing that expressions of appreciation seem to keep a relationship alive, keeping partners from taking each other for granted and feeling taken for granted. This doesn't necessarily require blithering on in detail about your partner's great qualities, especially not when you both know what you're really saying with a laughing "I love you!" is "You are simply the greatest for coming over and resting your boobs on my head while I'm stuck writing these boring reports."
Of course, one of the best ways to make "I love you" more meaningful is by showing it -- ideally, at least once a day -- just by thinking about what would make each other happier and less stressed and doing it. This could involve small kindnesses like getting up to refill your girlfriend's drink when you're eating dinner or somewhat bigger (and ickier) kindnesses like telling her to stay put while you clean up after her puking cat. Any guy can go through the romantic motions -- say "I love you" on Valentine's Day with $50 worth of chocolate truffles and a suspiciously funerary flower arrangement -- but it takes a truly loving guy to say it on a random Tuesday with a rag full of cat vomit.
I'll admit it-I use "I love you" to get off the phone.
But, after 10 years and 4 kids-I still mean it. Sometimes, if it ain't broke, you don't need to worry about fixing it. Worry about the relationship getting stale if you notice it doing so. And if it is getting stale, finding substitutes for I Love you isn't gonna be the magic Band-Aid.
Skydiving together might be, though.
momof4 at July 2, 2013 9:30 PM
Sometimes we reference Shogun and just say "Thou". If one says it, the other one gets it. Or sometimes it's all "oh, moon of my delight" kind of crap. That's not because we're bored, it's just we're, you know, dorks.
The basic I Love you gets used a lot, or sometimes "Ich liebe dich," but when I hear that one, I just think of the late Freddie Prinze line: A woman says Ick leeba dick to you, you get up, put on your pants and go home!"
Do you like each other? Do you laugh? Enjoy what you've got. Don't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy by overthinking it. That's worked for us for twenty-four years, although I do occasionally tell him it will never work.
Pricklypear at July 2, 2013 11:30 PM
I never understood, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"
What is that supposed to mean? That she's a mass of hot air, reeking of sweat and surrounded by flies?
Actually, in Elizabethan England, that was probably pretty much the case.
And I telephoned a cow for some more milk. She told me to go climb a pole, so I took my car and pirated some from her. Then I laughed at her and told her she was all wet. "Oh, dry up!" she retorted.
Patrick at July 3, 2013 6:15 AM
"Actually, in Elizabethan England, that was probably pretty much the case."
Elizabethan England, little ice age. I am betting just warm enough, to maybe take your coat off........
Isab at July 3, 2013 8:11 AM
you gots to use magic, boya...
Look at her and whatever it is about her existence that you love... sunlight playing on hair, curve of the back, whatever.
Allow that to fill you up, that feeling. And then when she looks at you kinda funny and say "...what..."
say it. with all those feelings behind it.
Naturally you can't say it that many times a day if you do it that way, but it should make an impression.
*warning. If her reply is: "oh."
It's already over. MOA. There is no sadder word in the English language than that one.
SwissArmyD at July 3, 2013 10:25 AM
Before we go to sleep every night, I tell my husband "You are the light of my life, and the sunshine of my existence." And he tells me "You are my thing, and you have a face."
What it means, of course, is "I love you." But it's peculiarly our own.
Oddly enough, in our marriage "EIGHT!" also means "I love you."
But we've been together 23 years. These things come with time.
Dana at July 3, 2013 11:16 AM
I think at least part of the point of saying 'I love you' is to feel it in yourself and understand why. We are quick to think 'you never ... ' and 'you always ... '.
So a way to keep it fresh is also the other side of what Amy is suggesting - look for the little things every day that your spouse does for you that make you happy/shows caring and articulate it. Thanks of unloading the dishwasher, thanks for cleaning the cat barf etc. Yes, these are normal everyday things but it's nice to know they're noticed and these everyday things are probably part of why you love your spouse.
AntoniaB at July 4, 2013 8:46 AM
I've overheard "Love ya" as a way to get off the phone, but no one I love has done that to me, thank goodness. Talk about a way to make the words meaningless. It's simple: The LW and his girlfriend need to say "I love you" WAY less often. Whose insecurity has mandated that they voice this constant reassurance to each other? Both of theirs, maybe? The words are not meant to be a formula of reassurance, but a statement of deep and real emotion.
Jenny B. at July 4, 2013 10:09 AM
Maybe they're overdoing it on the "I love you's" as a kind of subconscious over-compensation out of a sense that something more fundamental is indeed amiss .. they're three years in, maybe experiencing the decline in passion that occurs in most relationships during the first few years.
Lobster at July 5, 2013 4:59 AM
Forget "I love you"--I bet "You are my thing, and you have a face" is going to go viral.
Jen G at July 6, 2013 10:34 PM
Those three-little-words are a frikking minefield. Women demand to hear them and then insult us when we fall for it.
jefe at August 6, 2013 10:48 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2013/07/ennui-go.html#comment-3841119">comment from jefeUm, jefe, best to avoid projecting. The letter was from a man.
Amy Alkon
at August 6, 2013 10:54 PM
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