"I just want everyone to see how gorgeous you are" to me would read "you don't look hot enough to be out with me as you are".

I said it in the blog, and I'll say it here. Either one of your friends is giving her a problem, or in the past a BF's friend did, or you are making her feel uncomfortable around your friends, in some way. Like, maybe, she gets that you're wanting to put her on display like a damn home run ball you caught in game 4. Or maybe a previous BF accused her of wanting one of his friends.

How about you just freakin' ask her? I know direct communication seems to be verboten to people who write in for relationship advice, but really. Try it. Maybe it's something as simple as...she thought you'd appreciate the reticence around other males. And if one of your dudes IS on the make with her? It'd be a good sign if she thought she could tell you. Open your ears.

"I just want her to look as good as she does when she's out with her friends or we're out together."
But she turns frumpy with your friends?

I think momof4 nailed it.

Pay attention.

What exactly are you doing when you go out with your friends vs hers? If she's going out clubbing or to nice restaurants with you/her girlfriends vs hanging out to watch the game with your buddies, it's not exactly surprising that she'd dress differently. In that case it's not about the people, it's about looking appropriate for the venue. As a guy, you might be less likely to pick up on these fashion protocols, so you're thinking "man, my gf looks so much hotter in a miniskirt and heels" while she's thinking "yikes, I'd look like tramp if I wore that to a sports bar." Not that this is necessarily the reason, but it's something to consider, and if your gf's attire seems to fit in with the other girls in the room, that's probably what's going on.

Yes, to all the replies so far, especially momof4.

That being said, why is the LW getting a bye on this? He wants to play dolls with his gf? Does he think his gf is cute or not? I'm guessing not. Maybe he should move on to one of those plastic gf's who won't mind if you need to dress her up?

Cute is comfortable, happy, smiling-at-me, relaxed. Makeup and some complicated strappy bustier-driven outfit says "Don't touch me." If LW likes that, he can have a more fulfilling relationship with a two-dimensional girl in a glossy magazine.

I'm not saying LW doesn't need to talk to his gf, and really listen. I'm saying maybe he needs to have a talk with the mirror too. Where do these idiot expectations come from?

Put me in the "She doesn't want his friends hitting on her and making her BF mad and jealous" camp.

"Put me in the "She doesn't want his friends hitting on her and making her BF mad and jealous" camp."

Could be. We don't know from the LW exactly what "frumpy" is. We don't know if it's a little more covered up, or if it's sweat pants and the T-shirt that she wears when she paints. THat said, from the letter, it sounds like she still dresses nice when the two of them go out, so there's that.

"How about you just freakin' ask her? I know direct communication seems to be verboten to people who write in for relationship advice, but really"

To be fair to the guy, he IS trying to just freaking ask her - he's just (sensibly) asking for advice up front on the best way to ask, as it can be a difficult topic to broach.

@minos "why is the LW getting a bye on this? He wants to play dolls with his gf"

Guys like it if their gf's look good. That's just the way it is .. if you don't like it, the nicest thing I can say is good luck to you in your own relationships, because you aren't going to change it. There are actually a bunch of valid reasons for it too, and contrary to your disturbingly strange viewpoint, looking good doesn't turn someone into a 2D magazine cutout.

"Maybe it's something as simple as...she thought you'd appreciate the reticence around other males"

If it's just that, it's well-meaning but misguided.

I don't know how to get across the 'female equivalent' here, but imagine you're a woman and you're with a financially very successful man .. would you honestly prefer if he went around telling your friends he's broke, in debt, and unemployed?

"Like, maybe, she gets that you're wanting to put her on display"

If she's dressing frumpy on purpose just to spite him for wanting her to look good .. then wow, she has some serious issues and this would be a big red flag for LW to get out of the relationship.

"I don't know how to get across the 'female equivalent' here, but imagine you're a woman and you're with a financially very successful man .. would you honestly prefer if he went around telling your friends he's broke, in debt, and unemployed?"

Yeah but imagine you're a financially successful man...would you want a woman who constantly discusses your income, references your luxury cars and vacations, encourages you to wear the Rolex instead of the timex, etc? The gf in this case isn't *lying* about her appearance--ie it's not like she's running around in a prothestic nose and a fat suit. It's more comparable to a millionaire who drives a used car and dresses like the guy next door.

That being said, we're never going to resolve this one satisfactorily unless we know LW's definition of "frumpy." This is one of those situations where a picture would be really helpful. In the absence of that, the best thing you can do is say "Hey, you look awesome in that yellow top...why not wear that tonight?" and see what she says. At least then you'll have some insight into her rationale and can proceed from there.

It also strikes me that plenty of guys would LOVE a girl who dressed up for only them, and her girlfriends, and couldn't care less about attracting the attention of other men. Just be careful what you wish for...

Hey, she's wearing that because she doesn't want to get beer and dip on her good dress - the one from WalMart, not the Dollar Store.

"the one from WalMart, not the Dollar Store"

Some people can't afford designer clothes. Some people refuse to buy them.

I can look just as good on $50 @ Garage and $10 @ Walmart, as I can in a designer dress. I bought my brother a $200 suit for his wedding, and he looked damn good, no $5000 rental tux needed.

Have you SEEN some of those designer clothes? They look like an ad for what I imagine the martian moon landing should look like.

"It also strikes me that plenty of guys would LOVE a girl who dressed up for only them"

I'm afraid you are REALLY misunderstanding something here on how the male brain works :/ .. no, no, a thousand times, no.

My best advice to the guy is that she may be taking her dress code cues from the people she'll be out with. If she goes out with her friends they probably all look cute, so she dresses up. If it's a fancy date, her guy may put on a dress shirt and tie, so she may also dress up. If, however, her guy thinks of a night with his friends as a time for him to chill and wears a graphic tee and jeans, she may not feel like blowing out her hair and wearing stilettos. I would suggest that if you want your gf to dress up, you dress up too. She will almost certainly take the cue from the extra effort you put in and dress accordingly. However, if everyone else looks like a slob, it isn't really fair to ask your gf to spend an extra hour on her hair and makeup to show her off. Feeling under or overdressed is really unpleasant, and she may be looking as good as everybody else, but you just aren't paying attention to how your friends look.

Shannon, I think your explanation is the most likely - she dresses differently when hanging out with the guys because the activities/events they're doing call for a more casual look. Also, if the other guys' girlfriends are also there, and are dressed more casually, she may be taking her cues from them.