Relationships are about compromise. She should slouch and he should stand up straight. If she likes wearing heels she should only wear them when he is sitting down, getting a lap dance from her. Conversely, he should stand up when she is sitting...and remember kids, when they're laying down and getting down, he's likely several inches taller than her. BOOM!

I am one of those rare women, in that I dont care if a man is a few inches shorter than I am.
My husband is half an inch shorter than I am.

I am not necessarily saying that this woman is shallow, but if her first thought when she looks at her boyfriend in a crowded room, is "oh gosh, I feel so self conscious because he is shorter thanI am" rather than, a sense of pride because she is with the hottest guy in the room, maybe there is more wrong here than just a tiny height difference.

I actually do agree with the evolutionary psychology attitude of it not being "wrong" to want a man taller than you. It makes sense, and I don't think anyone should be punished just for wanting that. But I always cringe when someone in an advice column writes a version of "I'm only comfortable when he..."

Was this an issue before you started dating, LW? Is it that you were attracted to him and didn't think you cared about the height then, or is it that you did care but it seemed shallow to not date him because he's so great? And is it just in public or when you're alone together, too? I'm not judging; I just think it's something you should think about. You both sound so self-conscious about it now. Maybe agree to a trial period where he doesn't wear any lifts and you wear whatever shoes you want, and you both actively think about whether that could work for you (because he does have to take the shoes off sometime). Then you might know better if it's just the lack of elevator shoes standing in your way.

Side note: the ad on the right side of the screen is for Tallmenshoes.com.

Right now, I'm dating a woman who is quite tall. She's probably 5'10" or so and I'm 6'0". It's a little weird to me. She likes to wear heels. Okay, I'll wear cowboy boots to compensate. (I live in Arizona, so that's a pretty normal shoe to wear.)

She's also a bit thinner than I'm normally attracted to. But, there's a pretty good trade off -- she has nearly perfect tits. So there's that.

I really dig her in a lot of ways. She's very smart, easy to talk to, and is up for any quirky activity that I come up with to do.

I could be going on about how she could have more curvaceous hips and her legs might not be so skinny. Or, I could push all that aside and enjoy the view of those perfect tits as I lay into her.

My point, however vulgar, is that you can choose to look at the positive or the negative. I wish she was shorter or that I was taller. Big fucking deal. She's pretty damned cool and I like spending time with her.

As usual, NumberSix is correct.

Or she could just find a taller man, and have all that and the height, too.

Maybe she should only wear flats.

I can give some great first hand experience here. I'm 5'10" plus a little, hubby is 5'7" on a good day. He's also as strong as an ox-he can carry me all day. Who cares? Get over yourself-if Nicole Kidman can date shorter dudes, you can too. Asking someone to wear lifts their entire life is obnoxious-would you like if he said he only fels comfortable out in public with you if you stuff your bra?

If you really, really are this shallow, break it off. he deserves better and you deserve someone you aren't ashamed by.

LW admits to being less attracted to him in his natural state. While dating she has the luxury of pretending (via his shoes), but I see problems down the road. IME marriage and cohabitation is a continuous process of seeing the reality of the other person, and (hopefully) continue loving them anyway. Getting married without a full commitment to this ideal is to live in denial. At some point she will not be able to pretend anymore and will lose her attraction for him, and what then? The same decision will be waiting for her, but with far greater consequences. If she needs a man to be taller than her, she needs to find a taller man.

I think Amy and NumberSix are both right, but they need to look down the road further. The LW and the boyfriend are at the start of a long term relationship. She needs to ask herself if she will still respect him, say ten years down the road when she's had it up to here (imagine her holding her hand above her fiance's head) with her by then husband's shit. She could easily resent his height, or lack thereof, and lose respect for him, since it sounds like she already is somewhat down this path, and he will know that. She could also lose interest in him physically, which he sure as hell will notice and interpret as not loving him. Or, not. It all depends on her. The question she might really need to ask is as simple as, "Do I focus on the positive, or the negative?" Because she sure sounds focused on the negative.

I say this as a 6' 2" guy built like a triathlete married for almost 30 years to a 5' 1" woman whose ideal man is probably momof4's. (Where were all these tall women looking for taller guys when is was single?) During the tough years, it would be nice for her to be thinking, "Well, he's an ass, but he's one hot ass". It sure would make the tough years easier.

I am not necessarily saying that this woman is shallow, but if her first thought when she looks at her boyfriend in a crowded room, is "oh gosh, I feel so self conscious because he is shorter thanI am" rather than, a sense of pride because she is with the hottest guy in the room, maybe there is more wrong here than just a tiny height difference.

Co-signed.

It's perfectly fine that LW prefers taller men. But then she should find a taller man rather than be with a guy who needs special shoes to "make her feel comfortable." Momof4 made a pretty good comparison to bra stuffing. It's fine if a dude likes how I look in a tight dress with a bra that provides some extra va-va-voom on special occasions. But if my long-term partner only "felt comfortable" or was LESS attracted to me if I wore a normal bra, well, that's just unfair to both of us.

I do appreciate Amy's advice, as she takes into account they're already engaged and trying to make it work. It would be too easy to give the knee-jerk, "dump him and move on" advice.

But if my boyfriend wrote a letter like this about me, it would be over. For the record, he's just a half-inch taller than I am. I wear heels often. And all I'm thinking of when we're out together is that I have the kindest most charming man in the room and he looks like John Stamos, so EAT YOUR HEART OUT, bitches!

This is why women shouldn't wish they were taller.

Agreed SoFar.

Just because evolutionary biology makes most women prefer taller men, there is a time and a place to both exercise that preference, and balance it against other attributes that a man has.
Life is a series of trade offs, and the time and place to get all picky and bent out of shape over something so superficial as a height difference, is before you become engaged, and after you have dated a few tall, but world class jerks, as I did when I was very young.

Perhaps the letter writer would like to exchange her fiance for an NBA player with a dozen illegitimate children, who smacks her around on a regular basis?

It may not seem like a big height difference, but when he doesn't wear them, he feels like my son.

I'd bet you don't feel like his mother to him, just because you're one inch taller. While I'm sure some men are put off by women who are taller than them, I believe that it's mainly women who can't handle the height difference when the woman is taller than the man. (Same with an income difference when the woman earns more than the man. I think it's mainly women who can't deal with that, not men.)

If it's a problem now, it'll only get worse, especially when the novelty wears off.

Break it off before he gets really serious about you.

Break it off before he gets really serious about you.

They're already engaged, so, as sofar said, this calls for more than just "Break it off." This situation needs actual careful consideration before either breaking up or moving forward (for the love of Thor, LW, don't get married while still being so conflicted about this).

On a bit of a tangent, I think too many people are quick to dismiss evolutionary psychology (and, also, to put too much predictive faith in it). It's not about having excuses to be "shallow," it's about understanding the way we're wired so we have as much information as possible when looking at behavior (our own and others'). Ev psych is just one component of that, and that's the reason "Nature vs. Nurture" isn't a true debate. It's all about self-awareness, people.

This sounds bad but I can't date short men I am not attracted to them. My husband is 6'7". He is so gorgeous my knees buckle when I see him (still) My advice would be to date what you are attracted to

I'm 5'11". My husband is 6'4". I don't think I've ever dated anyone under 6' for more than one or two dates. My preference is for someone quite a bit taller than me. I don't think that makes me shallow. I think it makes me aware of what does it for me. I think the LW should either find what makes her comfortable and go with it, or accept that she loves this guy and adapt. Amy's response gives her permission to adapt. Maybe the guy will do it. Maybe he won't. Maybe he wants someone who doesn't need for him to change to be with him. How they got to be fiancée's without dealing with this issue is beyond me.

"My preference is for someone quite a bit taller than me. I don't think that makes me shallow"

I agree, that doesnt make you shallow.

What makes the letter writer "shallow" is that she has become engaged to a man, who is never going to be any taller than he is, and she is so self concious about the height difference, that she is looking for a way to "fix" him, when she is the one with the problem.

"Actually, they BOTH have a problem, because they love each other and want to be attracted to each other"

I fail to see how elevator shoes is going to enhance his natural attractiveness, since I hope he isnt required to wear them to bed.

And if it was a problem for him, why wasn't HE the one writing to you?

My mom is 5'4 and my dad's 5'8 ish. He wore lifts on their wedding day. He never wore them any other time, and maybe my mom asked him to wear them so she could wear heels and he'd still look considerably taller than she in their wedding photos, but he might have chosen it himself for his own vanity, given that his best man is quite tall. 38 happily married years later, I doubt I'd be here had she demanded he wear lifts all the time.

I'm 5'5, my husband is 6'1. I'm looking at our wedding portrait, at him bending down a bit toward me so our heads could be closer together. I wore ballet flats that day. If he'd asked me to wear heels so I'd be taller, just on that one day, I'd have done it, but I'd probably often wonder if he'd find me more attractive if I were taller.

I'm 6'3" Barefoot and while I don't have any physical deal breakers aside from obesity I am really turned on by women around 5foot

I don't think the lw is shallow for being attracted to tall men, or for wanting a tall man. I don't care much about a guys height, but I am not at all attracted to men with extremely small hands, or men with very high voices. (Some women swoon over high-pitched crooners - I wonder what happened to their nuts.)

However, I don't DATE men who have tiny hands or high-pitched voices, because I KNOW that those things are a big turn-off for me. If I were to enter into a relationship with Mr. TinyHands SopranoVoice thinking that I could learn to "overlook" those physical traits which he cannot help having, that would be a really shitty thing for me to do. I should let him go find a woman who will enjoy his tiny hands, while I find someone more to my liking. And to insist the Mr. TH-SV wear fake hands or talk in a fake voice so I would feel more "comfortable" with him would be a shitty thing to do.

and like sofar said, if I were to find out that my bf was only comfortable with me when I wore certain things, and wasn't attracted to me when I didn't, the relationship would be over.

I don't think the lw is shallow for being attracted to tall men, or for wanting a tall man. I don't care much about a guys height, but I am not at all attracted to men with extremely small hands, or men with very high voices.

Everyone -- well, almost everyone; I suppose there are some exceptions -- has certain physical characteristics they like or dislike in others. But a man's height seems to be the most important physical characteristic for most women. The percentage of women willing to be with a man as tall as them is, I suspect, small and the percentage willing to be with a man who's shorter than they are very small.

And it makes one wonder: since the allure of a man being tall (or taller) is so powerful to women, what is it about those women who could be with a man who's as tall or shorter than they are? What makes them different?

I don't think the lw is shallow...

By the way, I think the "shallow" accusation is used incorrectly, when it's hurled at someone (typically by women at men) for caring about looks. I think that people can be shallow but it's when they only (or almost exclusively) care about looks. In that case, they're only interested in what's on the surface, not in things (e.g. intelligence, interests, character) that are deeper. But if one cares about those things, while also caring about looks -- which, I believe, describes most people -- then I don't see that as being shallow.

I don't have a problem with 'shallow', I just have a problem with hypocrisy - e.g. I think it's super and refreshing to hear some women on this thread admit to liking or not liking certain physical characteristics ... more often you hear women hypocritically claim things like they 'only care about personality', when that's obviously not true. (I think men and women are probably equally shallow, but it's more publicly acceptable for men to admit as much.)

I also think our conceptualization of "shallow" is broken. We think of "shallow" as "unimportant". But, some of those supposedly "unimportant" preferences are actually very important ... e.g. taller men were evolutionarily/historically more likely to be able to protect/defend and provide for you and your offspring - and wanting well-defended and cared for offspring is absolutely not "shallow" (it's only 'modern civilization' that has recently created more of a disconnect between tallness and ability to defend and provide for, but it's still there, e.g. even I'm going to feel 'better' walking at night if I happen to be with a tall strong man than a small/short one). Likewise, men like certain physical attributes/curves/proportions that (as I understand it) bear some relation to childbearing ability, and wanting your children to be well-reared is deeply important, not 'shallow' (again, modern society divorces us somewhat from these genetic realities). Likewise, a preference for youth may seem 'shallow' but from an evolutionary perspective would meant more/better opportunities ie longer time period for producing more offspring.

I've seldom felt attraction to women who are taller than me .. it's not personal or conscious, just automatic. I did end up marrying a woman about a quarter inch taller, very close, I think it does sometimes have some effect on our relationship (some days I don't like it) but it's difficult to quantify this.

I do think people can learn to overlook some limited amount of physical-characteristic 'un-ease', but I think it takes conscious effort and some understanding of how the mind works etc. Only LW can really know if she can learn to overlook it, but it sounds to me like it's more likely to increasingly become a problem, she will lose respect for him, this will undermine other areas of the relationship, it is unfair on him.

"Break it off before he gets really serious about you.

They're already engaged"

To me, being engaged is not 'really serious', 'really serious' is having kids together :/ Once you have kids with someone, you are truly 'wedded to them for life', even if you separate you'll still always be part of each other's lives in some way. If it's going to be a problem, I say break it off now while you're "only" engaged, rather than when you have children.