You already made your move, LW. He countered with "no thanks." Move on.

Monica is correct, LW. It's a major-league bummer that the guy you like isn't interested in you, but he's made it plain. You need to stop thinking of him in terms of how much you want him, and move on.

She needs to cut off ALL contact with him. She's feeding his need for feminine companionship and getting nothing out of it in return because he's still hung up on his ex-wife.

It's holding her back from finding/pursuing a real relationship.

It's not enough to just say "I'm going to move on. You have to physically DO it."

'Scuse me, I have to milk my pirated car with a telephone pole.

How does the LW even know there really *IS* an ex-wife. Might just be his cover for being gay, but he is too closeted to admit it, so the mythological "ex-wife" exists. I have known a couple guys that used this dodge and it rings true in this case. (Not me, I got FOUR ex-wives and can prove it.)

Some women don't take a hint, she has been given several.
My guess is during the several hours of talking he was thinking, how do I get rid of her without her going psycho-ex on him.
If the sexes were reversed, there would be restraining orders in place.

"...spent hours just talking"

There's your hint, sister. He thinks you're a very nice person, he enjoys your company, but he very much doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

He's a very nice guy, too. Nicer than me. I'd have banged you.

It likely took a lot of restraint on his part to spare you not getting a call the next day.

Also, I'm guessing you work together. That explains the amount of interaction necessary for you to hold a crush for months. That may be his hang up. I worked with a very beautiful woman for about a year who was pretty well waving me in. To make it worse, she worked directly under me. Thanks, but no thanks. To this day, that woman holds a place of honor in the old spank bank, but I wasn't willing to complicate my life that way.

Either way, let it go.

P.S. - can we stop with the milking pirate telephone pole jokes? It's a perfectly reasonable way to filter out crap.

LW, put yourself in his shoes. If you were interested in someone, would you do any of the following?

-Try to set him up with your friend.
-Laugh awkwardly when he expressed interest in you.
-Mention "dating your ex" several times.

On the off chance that he IS interested in you and is still doing these things, he's a ball-less weirdo and someone you do not want to date.

Amy makes a good case that she needs to back off and (I love the way she puts it) avoid "any further date-flavored get-togethers", but I don't see why she should cut off all contact. If it's possible for her to accept that he's not interested and date other men (assuming she can do this without it being a game to her), then she leaves a friendship intact and leaves the future open to possibility. I don't really see a problem with that as long as she can do it sincerely.

Although ordinarily I don't agree that women should never ask men out, in this case she already has her answer, and it's no.

The wisdom of grandmas remains wise: If you want to catch a boy, don't run after him.

My grandmother was very wise and she said: sometimes you have to break the "rules" to get what you want.

Do I lie low, waiting for him to drop his ex-wife

For some reason, that brought this to mind.

Do not be one of those women that make themselves available to men in relationships, you won't want him, knowing he cheated on someone. Waiting for a man is a waste of your life, a dear friend waited 16 years for a marriage to end, it did, he used her for sex, while dating other women seriously and remarried someone again, spending time with him always hurt her, she finally moved on. she wasted years waiting for him, then being used. Do not do this to yourself. Respect yourself. He's not interested, do not hang out with him, it will only hurt after because he is not going to give you what you want. If your attraction to a man is like a blowtorch, run the opposite direction, it's not going to be a healthy relationship.

So... why don't you go on a date with the friend? They probably have stuff in common, maybe share some likeable traits, and he seems to think you'd get along.

Give it a go.

LW: I don't believe a story that someone is honestly "dating" their 'ex-wife who lives four hours away'. I'm sure they get together, and maybe even have 'benefits', but their relationship is surely over in any meaningful sense ... so either he's playing a bit of 'game'-like psychology on you, or he's looking for some additional benefits on the side from you, or he's just not interested, or some combination of the above ... but it's fairly clear he doesn't want a real relationship with you. Judging from the context, he has already "dropped" his ex-wife. Hell, even if he's still in love with her - four hours away and the opportunity to get a little on the side and he doesn't take that opportunity? Doesn't make sense to me.

I suspect part of the reason you're attracted to him is probably the sense of unavailability he projects. I agree with Rose, respect yourself, do not hang out with him ..... life is too short to pine after someone who is not interested.

Both genders, generally speaking, devalue someone who hanks around like a dog waiting for scraps as it was put so eloquently.

I don't think flirty works well in this day and age. Or maybe it is just most women are really bad it. I assume the OP had tried to show her interest and the guy apparently had no clue. My experience has been that how much a girl flirts with me has a lot more to do with her personality and/or if she wants something from me -- usually not a date. I mean by this that if a girl has a flirty personality then she will be a lot more flirty with me regardless of interest. Lets try again. A flirty girl with no interest might flirt with me at level 9 while a non-flirty girl who is quite interested would flirt at level 7. Or at least that is how I would perceive it. And people like waitresses are generally flirtier (for big tip I guess) then a girl just interested in a date.

I think Amy presents a false division. There may be other reasons a guy is not interested. Right now there is a lady at work I would be interested in going on a date with, but I am sure not going to risk a sexual harassment issue. The guy simply might not have noticed you or maybe thinks you are taken. Or maybe thinks you are not interested because you don't have a flirty personality...or because you do and it seems like you flirt with everyone...

I also disagree that the clueless guys who need to be asked out are worthless as mates. There are lots of perfectly good guys out there with poor socio-dating skills who still would make great husbands. While the flirting rather than direct route generally holds true, there are exceptions.

However, this guy is not one of them, he TOLD you he wasn't interested.

You already made your move, LW. He countered with "no thanks." Move on.

MonicaP put it so succinctly.

He'd rather fuck an ex that lives 4 hours away. You've got your answer.

The fact he was so blunt about it means you got lucky. Tons of guys would just string you along and you'd more than happily oblige.

I agree with NicoleK just above.

Rex Little, you just put that song in my head for the rest of the day. I suddenly hate you.

How does the LW even know there really *IS* an ex-wife. Might just be his cover for being gay, but he is too closeted to admit it, so the mythological "ex-wife" exists.

He could also be a vampire who happens to like her just enough to spare her the calamity of spending all eternity as a blood-sucking vampire.

So, go milk a wet pirate with a telephone pole up your ass.

Why do women measure distance in hours? "She lives four hours away"... How FAR is "four hours? Is that four time zones? Four hours by camel? By canoe?

Forget him. I became very close friends with a man while we were both ending our marriages to other people (over issues that had nothing to do with each other). I feel deeply in love with him and held out hope for over two years, waiting for him to sort himself out emotionally. Recently he informed me that while he loves me dearly, it's solely as a friend, and he has no sexual or romantic interest in me. I wish I had figured this out sooner, rather than attributing his reluctance to having been badly burned by his ex-wife. He probably could have been a little more forthcoming with me, too, but mostly I blame myself.