If he couldn't bring himself to ask her out, then he wasn't that interested.

Also, I didn't think women still described men as "dreamy."

Now the course is over, and I'm wondering what I did wrong and whether I missed out on the love of my life!

Aww, you did nothing wrong, and I seriously doubt you missed out on the love of your life! Maybe he wasn't really that interested. Maybe he really was. But as Miss Alkon points out, at 19 the poor dummy might not have known what to do, or was too bashful to do it.

Another thing, LW: You're still quite young, and better things surely lie ahead for you. After a while, the Boy at Baking School will be a nice memory, even after you've met the real love of your life!

Once again I dissent. If you want to go out with him ask him out. Enough with this "man the hunter, woman the hunted, it's the way it was done on the savanah" stuff. Maybe he's shy. Maybe he thinks "a schlub like me has no chance with a hottie like her". Who knows why he didn't ask her? But instead of wondering and wondering just ask him and find out.

When I was young I was painfully shy and awkward around women. Looking back, I realize now that there were several times when women did the flirty thing with me and I just didn't get it. I didn't know how to read the signals. If they had asked me out I would have happily said yes (this actually did happen a couple of times) and I certainly wouldn't have felt my manhood was being threatened.

This kid is 19. Maybe she's the first girl to show him any real interest and he's like I was. Maybe he just doesn't know yet how to read the signals. So ask him, rather than regretting later that you didn't make a move. Maybe you'll both be really glad you did.

Forty years of women's lib hasn't left a scratch on 40,00 years of evolution!
I ditto DrMaturin-- I was the same way, too.
"We're a generation of men who were raised by women."-- Tyler Durden, in "Fight Club".
The poor guy never got a shred of coaching from his own dad, and women-- MOMS-- are famously awful at teaching young men how to date.

"When I was young I was painfully shy and awkward around women."

Me too-around men. Then I grew up when they would corner me and ask me out directly. Only the aggressive ones would do that-and I didn't particularly care for it-so I learned to flirt with the nice ones. My shyness and awkwardness only gave me a certain selection of mates-men-again that I found too domineering. So I too had to learn that other people have expectations too.

If you are too shy of a guy to ask a girl out who flirts with you then you will not learn to go after the women you truly want. Sure there is a 1% chance the dream girl will ask you out but you will be in competition with men who ask out. You will also be going against the tide since women expect to be asked out.

I can't think of a single woman I personally know that would ask a guy out. It happens about as much as me meeting a guy that loves me when I DONT wax my mustache.

Women should NOT pursue men.

In general, I agree. But let's look at the specifics of this case. As the end of the class approached, she was still interested in the guy, even though he hadn't asked her out, and soon he'd be out of her life.

So why not ask him? Most likely he rejects her, or is unavailable, or they go out a couple of times and the chemistry just isn't there. So what? She's no worse off than she is now, and she isn't looking back and wondering "what if?".

A key point here is that she was still interested even though he hadn't asked. If she was like Amy, and didn't consider a guy worthy of her interest if he didn't pursue her, it would be a different story.

Yes Rex, let's look the specifics of the case.

An 18 year old thinks that she has missed out on the love of her life because dude was too shy to ask her out. Dude needs to grow some balls at 19 and it takes this kind of situation to expand them.
She wont do him any favors by asking him out.

At 18 she is entering the prime years of dating aka she is a fresh cut of filet mignon right now. It's up to us older and wiser broads to tell her not to sell herself as hamburger meat.

She has the pick of any man right now-men have to sell themselves to her. K? Once she starts hittin' my age then well talk.

@rex:

"So why not ask him? Most likely he rejects her, or is unavailable, or they go out a couple of times and the chemistry just isn't there. So what? She's no worse off than she is now, and she isn't looking back and wondering "what if?"."

Seriously. And there seems to be a divide here. The gals say "Grow a pair" while the guys say "Kid is only 19, cut him some slack". Interesting.

Amy,

Love your column; I'm a frequent lurker and infrequent poster.

But I have a biology nitpick; lactAse is the enzyme, lactOse is the sugar.

Also, humans have always had the enzyme as infants; the issue is adult expression of the enzyme, which is, as you say, more recent.

Twenty two years ago, I asked my future husband out because I liked him so much. He had his heart broken in high school, and was bullied a lot for being a nerd, so he figured he had no chance with a girl like me. He never would have asked me out because his self esteem had been shattered.

We recently celebrated 21 years of being blissfully married. He is my best friend, an amazing father, and the most honorable man I know. He is also hilarious, brilliant, talented, adorable, has a strong work ethic (he pays more in taxes each year than most people make), and is a true gentleman.

I thank goodness every day that I asked him out.

I think she should have asked him out. Yes, maybe she would have ended up in a relationship where he only said yes because he didn't want to hurt her feelings or whatever, but so what? At 18, it's practice relationships anyways.

Life is full of risks, and it's just a date. The key word seems to be "nice". This can work out if the guy is nice, so take the first date to determine his level of nice.

"Nice" guys who can't ask women out aren't actually nice. See my other columns on this. Writing now.

Re: PPen --- "She has the pick of any man right now-men have to sell themselves to her."

Not necessarily, LW might be just plain ugly.

I'm with all of you who say that a 19 yr old boy who can't ask a girl out for coffee (d@mn Yankee age-of-alcohol-consumption-laws!) is either not interested or not worth having in the first place, so I doubt that LW missed out on much.

To y'all who say "but he's only 19!" or "a generation raised by women", all I can say is, seriously, dude? I've read that Andrew Jackson's mother raised her son to never take an insult laying down, and please feel free to consult any decent biography of the President Jackson to confirm that he did not! Nineteen years old and Mommy is the problem? If we were talking about a 15 yr old, maybe....

Even at 15, Jack Aubrey would have at least shown some interest, if not snuck the girl in question into the midshipman's quarters, ;)

Its not just men being raise by women, were also taught that our sexuality is just plain wrong and shallow and disgusting, just cause we have dicks. Were also told that sexual interest in a woman is practically rape. Were told that even our first interaction with a woman can be construed as sexually harassing (and possibly criminal) either by her or any women not party to the conversation within hearing range.

It took me years to realize what women CLAIM they want and what they ACTUALLY want are two different, sometimes completely opposite, things.

Throw in the legal mine field of a woman being able to claim rape because she used mouthwash just before sex or changed her mind a week later and was therefore unable to consent in the moment and you have a lot of guys who get skittish

Man, you ladies are hard. It's no wonder books like Helen Smith's "Men on Strike" resonate like they do.

>>

It's not nice to lump all people together.

My husband was a geeky nerd who was severely bullied all through his school years. When not being beat up by boys, the girls would encourage him to ask their friends out only to be laughed at in public. I can totally understand why he and nerds/geeks like him would eventually become wary of asking girls out. Sadly, in spite of the "It Gets Better" campaign, bullying remains a reality for many boys and girls today.

Of course the idea is for such abused boys to eventually grow up to be assertive men (not an easy task, and I admire all who do), but the LW was talking about a 19 year old. We have no idea what that 19 year old has experienced. It is possible that he was just not attracted to the LW, or he might already have a girlfriend, but he also could have very good reasons for being shy. I don't see any harm if the LW had asked if he wanted to go see that great movie that just came out. If he had said, "sorry, I can't" then she would have known that he was not into her. Not a big deal. If he had said yes then she could have let him make the next move.

When I asked my husband out, I was not cornering him and he was not cowering. I just said, "hey, I suddenly have two tickets to the symphony, do you want to go?" He replied that he would like to, but only if he could take me to dinner first. We have been happily in love and best friends ever since.

And yes, my husband really is nice (as well as adorable, charming, funny, intelligent, sexy, successful, responsible, honest, loving, cool, cuddly, and all of the positive adjectives I can think of to infinity). If he had a vindictive bone in his body, then he would have wanted to go to his HS reunion so that all those mean girls could eat their hearts out. This is what I wanted to do until I learned from his example. Have I mentioned that knowing him has made me a better person?

Again, I thank goodness every day that I asked my husband out all those years ago.

et, your husband is a lucky man. And your story is a fine counterpoint to all the "man up", "grow a pair" remarks on this thread. I think a lot of middle-aged women would have a lot fewer cats if they had followed your example.

I don't appreciate the "Women should NOT pursue men" sentiment.

It's hard enough to be a man, risking a sexual harassment complaint for asking out someone at work. No way do I have the intricate social skills to know the difference between deliberate flirting and a genuinely nice person. Yet I make a very good partner and father.

I LOVED it when a woman would ask me out. Women--please feel free to pursue the man of your dreams by saying, "Let's go out for some coffee." You'll lose no respect from a good partner.

I'm going to explain it very simply.

What people say they want vs what they go for vs what they really want are all separate distinct things. Sometimes those things align.

et's story highlights an anomaly. If you read all her posts she states her husband had low self-esteem because he was bullied. Men with low-self esteem who don't think they deserve someone don't usually make fantastic boyfriends.

She lucked out.

Amy slept with her boyfriend early on, and he turned out to be a fantastic guy. Still she doesn't tell women to sleep with men on the first date because she lucked out.

"No way do I have the intricate social skills to know the difference between deliberate flirting and a genuinely nice person."

This is my problem with guys like this. I'm expected to do all the work (as a woman) for fear of rejection. BTW I too had to learn how to go for the guys I wanted.

Amy BTW is not telling you NOT to ask a guy out, you can do it, be aware it will devalue you in the eyes of women AND men. It frankly-makes you look desperate.

And your story is a fine counterpoint to all the "man up", "grow a pair" remarks on this thread.

Why shouldn't a 19 year old "man up" via experience? I don't understand.

Must women act like his mommy and spoon feed him dates because he is just too shy to ask them out? But he's only 19! When should he start learning then?

My male friends have told me they have looked back on times when they were like the LW's guy. They consider themselves morons back then because now they know how to read the signs.

"My male friends have told me they have looked back on times when they were like the LW's guy. They consider themselves morons back then because now they know how to read the signs."

Yup, my husband looks back to those times when girls were obviously and truly flirting, and he realizes that he was oblivious (though he never feels like a moron). All I can say is thank goodness that those girls did not directly ask him out because then I might not have had the chance to marry him!

Frankly, all this talk of boundaries around gender roles seems outdated to me. And for the record, I honestly don't care if I came off as desperate to anyone when I asked my future husband out. Life is too short to worry about the opinions of some people.