Taking Out The Trashing
I am online dating and assume people will Google me before we meet. Two years ago, I briefly got involved with a crazy woman. When I realized how nuts she was, I broke up with her. She started an Internet campaign against me, posting horrible things about me online. These are obvious lies and clearly seem to be the rantings of a crazy person, but most are nearly impossible to get taken down. Should I casually mention these in an online chat with potential dates? ("Oh, by the way, if you read anything terrible about me online, it's written by a crazy person.")
--Disparaged Guy
A person should get to know you a little before she learns you're a 300-year-old incubus who poisoned our groundwater and killed your neighbors' dog and made it look like a suicide.
Since ranting crazies tend to sound, as the saying goes, a few balloons short of a parade, a prospective partner's big worry is likely to be that sick drama is relationship-as-usual for you. The best way to dispel this fear is by letting someone see who you are before seeing who the Internet says you are. Wait until after the first date to reveal your last name. (If questioned, plead online dating prudence.) Create a new email address you use for online dating only so no one can use your regular one to Google your identity. And then, on your date, you could casually mention the nutty former ex -- ideally in a way that suggests the experience was very much out of character for you. Assuming you come off solid and balanced, this should help dispel any suspicions that your ex is nuts because you drove her there or that you have some scary tendencies yourself. Although women these days tend to be pleasantly surprised by chivalry, they are always looking to weed out the sort of man who'll end their evening with a considerate offer like "Can I walk you to my trunk?"
That's good advice to withhold your last name until a date or two. It should also be stressed that talking about an ex should be avoided at all costs no matter what the circumstances. Do not talk about exes! It never leads to anything good.
If it comes up from her prudent "background check", it'll probably speak for itself and there wont be a lot of explanation necessary. Keep that explanation as short and simple as possible and do not expound on the details. This will serve to present you as above that sort of nonsense.
whistleDick at October 8, 2013 9:18 PM
Can't say that I agree with you, whistleDick. The woman dating you is going to assume that she's not your first. And I don't share your optimism that a background check will speak for itself.
Patrick at October 9, 2013 12:10 AM
Amy, you might want to have Gregg check your security question. I just answered the telephone pole question with "cars" and it let me post.
Patrick at October 9, 2013 12:12 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2013/10/taking-out-the.html#comment-3966053">comment from PatrickThanks, Patrick, but I'm not getting spam.
Amy Alkon at October 9, 2013 5:05 AM
Huh. If I ran into someone who wouldn't give up their last name before a date, I'd be prone to think there was something wrong with them and quietly go away.
Lamont Cranston at October 9, 2013 5:35 AM
I wouldn't go on a date with someone who wouldn't tell me his last name.
ahw at October 9, 2013 7:49 AM
I did online dating on and off. One guy very quickly gave me his first and last name and assumed I would be googling him. He was quick to tell me all of his info, no mystery at all. Loved to name drop, too. On our little lunch date, he told me out of the three boys his mother gave birth to, she liked to joke that he was her only girl. That about did it for me with the online dating thing.
kg at October 9, 2013 8:23 AM
Agreed: Do not give your last name before the first date. Giving your last name makes it pretty easy for people to find out where you work (most companies have employee bios on their websites these days) or go to school.
The first date gives you a chance to feel someone out in person -- and it's usually pretty easy to tell if they're someone you want to give your last name to. Not fool-proof, but you can usually tell if someone is a creeper. There is a dude who is notorious in Austin's dating scene(you may have heard of him, as he's made national news lately). I know two ladies who met up with him via online dating, and, using their last names, he stalked them both at work after they brushed him off.
Amy's advice is solid, and I do agree that, in this case, it's OK to quickly mention the ex and her campaign against him on the first date -- he just needs to be careful not to sound at all bitter about it.
sofar at October 9, 2013 8:43 AM
@ sofar, that's hilarious! Or not. But considering I live in Houston, I'm dying to know who this guy is! Brad Womack, by chance? Or that douchebag Wes Whoever? Both from "The Bachelorette" and "The Bachelor". Sad I know this! But I thought I read Wes had relocated to another region of Texas. Anywho...thanks.
SR at October 9, 2013 11:36 PM
I would not go on a date with someone who wouldn't tell me his last name. There are companies who can help your online profile by posting so much neutral and good stuff that the years old crazy stuff is pushed to page 10 or more on the results-not where most people would find it. I would look into that if I were the LW. Or he can probably do it himself.
momof4 at October 10, 2013 12:08 PM
@SR Google "Romeo Rose."
Talk about having Google search results that are basically woman-repellent.
sofar at October 10, 2013 12:51 PM
I wouldn't go out with someone who demanded to know my last name.
Patrick at October 11, 2013 7:00 PM
I agree with Amy; in my case if someone knows my last name they can find my address since I'm listed in the phone book. I don't reveal that before I've met someone in person.
Margie at October 14, 2013 11:15 AM
One of the advantages of a name like "Luke Williams" is being pretty much immune to Google, and drowned in millions of results. Ok, someone really obsessed or with access to my email addresses could probably track me down, but it is going to require a non-trivial amount of effort.
Ltw at October 21, 2013 2:12 AM
whats really good
wisewords at October 28, 2016 9:53 AM
Leave a comment