What does it mean when both my Pirate Wench and her ex are parked repeatedly at her house in the middle of the day?
She never calls me, anymore, either.
I just found out: it didn't mean anything, except she's po'd at me for disappearing.

Frankly, I've always looked at the demand to pick up on nonverbal cues as "Spiteful Bitch Syndrome."

"Yeah, I'm pissed, but I'm not going to tell you why! You're just going to have to figure it out, and I'm not even going to tell you when you're getting close, so there!"

I was very briefly in a relationship when I would do the unthinkable, the very bane of a spiteful bitch's existence. I would ask! This they hate more than anything. They're only response to this is savage mockery at about how clueless you are. In the face of this, simply remain calm and point out that that didn't answer the question. And ask again. Spiteful Bitch will simply storm out of the room in affected indignation.

This was once explained to me as if the guy pays attention at all he would pickup on the clues and know what the woman means...if he doesn't then he must not be paying attention and that is an indication that he does not love her enough if he is not willing to pay enough attention.

Exec summary:
not picking up means not loving enough

If a woman wants her partner to pick up on her every emotion, and non verbal cue, she needs to be a lesbian, because a man just doesn't have the tools to get that deeply into a woman's mind. They aren't wired for it.

For me it seems that the BIGGEST difference between men and women these days is that men understand and accept that there are major differences between men and women, but women believe that there is no difference. I've had a couple of women confront me with "Why won't you do _desired_behavior_goes_here_? I KNOW you're capable!" And when I did not or could not they became furious, convinced that I was completely clueless and cared nothing for them or the relationship. Bullets dodged I guess, but direct personal experience of women trying to squash masculinity.

Ladies, you gotta work with us. Subtle hints don't work. OBVIOUS hints don't work. You have to tell us, honestly and directly, what's going on and what you want.

Isab: If a woman wants her partner to pick up on her every emotion, and non verbal cue, she needs to be a lesbian, because a man just doesn't have the tools to get that deeply into a woman's mind. They aren't wired for it.

It seems to work fine for a lot of gay couples I know. (But I don't think science fully understands how gay males' minds work.)

I'm wondering with the Judith Hall research if there was any research done or results of the possibility that Men are better at reading men and women are better at reading women, than the opposite sex reads.
My experiences are that men are pretty readable to other guys while their women were clueless.
This LW is a good example of it, she was misinterpreting 'guy being confused' as 'guy doesn't love'.

Interesting comments here. Here's a thought that crossed my mind, though: Could the woman's insistance that the man pick up on her non-verbal cues and tics be a kind of power play, something that a woman can hold over a man's head?

Not trying to be sexist, really. Men try to do the same sorts of thing, I'm sure, but there was a noisy, earnest debate about health care going on down the hall and it's hard to concentrate enough to drum up specific examples.

Patrick, why do you love to hate women so much?

Joe J nailed it. There was a "gentlemen bank robber" who lived in Denver back in the late 80's and early 90's. He was finally shot and killed in a robbery elsewhere. His wife had no idea. I can remember thinking "how the f*ck could she not know?!" And I remember reading about married women finding out their husband is gay or bi only when he gets busted, or comes out. Heck, there are even letters to advice columns on this. How can the women not know? My experience is a man can almost always pick up on another man being gay, women not so much. (Let's face it, it is in a married gay man's interest for at least some other guys to realize he's gay. There is no advantage to only women knowing.)

And of course, it works the other way. I suspect other women were much better at picking up on the lw's clues than any of the guys. I've known my wife for over 30 years, and you'd think I'd know her better than anyone, and yet whenever I think I know what she's thinking, I'm wrong. Yet I'm a bit of a mentor to other guys, because I understand them. Go figure.

If only I could understand telephone poles and cows.

I do think it's a power play quite often. The woman to whom my husband was engaged when I met him, and who was the kind who snapped "Fine!" when things were definitely *not* fine, posted a meme on FB the other day about "Five Deadly Terms Used By A Woman." It was all this kind of stuff, like "Go ahead" meaning "I dare you" and "Nothing" meaning "Something, and you need to be worried." She thought she was being funny, but that kind of crap is exactly why he's married to me, not her.

He has said repeatedly that the thing he most appreciates about me is that I am "a no-bullshit woman." If I'm upset or bothered about something, I will tell him so, generally politely and as gently as I can, depending on how upset I am. If I say it's okay, it's okay. If I say it's fine, it's fine. There are no booby traps. There is no punishment on the back end.

It's so much easier. But then, I don't equate drama with passion.

@Dana" "But then, I don't equate drama with passion."

"Don't equate drama with passion." That's a great line! Can I steal it?

@ SlowMindThinkingHow: How do the wife of the thief and gangsters not know. Often because officially knowing would end the gravy train. So either be ignorant or fake being ignorant. And if hubby gets caught, she never goes to jail. Also as we see with B. Madoffs wife, they only sometimes have to give the stuff they bought with it back.

@Amy: "My interest is in putting out the best research-based information I can get my hands on."

And I do appreciate that, you have a realistic and even-handed way of dealing with these things, that's why I come here, and why I like to join the conversation. I acknowledge that those data show possibilities, and without more time than I have I can't begin to argue the science. However, I like to think I can draw reasonable conclusions from the world around me, and my (unscientific and no doubt biased) observations lead me to these opinions; not trying to state fact only relating my experience. Maybe that only says something about me.

@Dana "I do think it's a power play quite often."

Agree, the one who has to guess without being curious is put into a submissive position.

Rachel Flax, why do you kill your neighbors' children and bury their remains beneath your basement?

When I was a child I saw a picture of my father holding me (or perhaps my brother) at the hospital after whichever of us had just been born. He had a thick, black mustache. I had never seen him with any facial hair, so I found it curious (I almost didn't recognize him).

At dinner, I asked about it. I learned that he had always had a mustache until a few years after that picture was taken. My parents and a few other relatives took a trip someplace - Hawaii I think - and one afternoon everyone went back to the hotel to rest. My dad decided to shave it off. Apparently, not a single person noticed the absence of a a large set of solid-black whiskers. He mentioned it after dinner and everyone was shocked.

Oh, this was a trip with my mom, grandma, and a couple of my mom's sisters.

Same thing happened to me. Wore a goatee for over 6 months, and shaved it on a Saturday afternoon. None of my family noticed. Wife of then 22 years, teenaged children. I thought it was hilarious. They were pretty apologetic.

"Yet, I'm continually surprised at how strong my 'have him guess!' impulse can be."

This is the part of LW's letter that intrigues me the most: "I recognize that I've developed a bad relationship pattern, but even though I know it intellectually, I've having trouble breaking the pattern." Gee, where have we heard that before? Oh, that's right, everywhere! It's funny how this aspect of human psychology works. How do we get so tied up into bad relationship patterns, just because they are familiar to us? I've been there myself, and although I can tell you what I did to finally get out of it, I still can't tell you how I got that way in the first place.

Hm Patrick...so I'm now a serial killer, because I called you out on being bitchy? Sheesh. Fun world of extremes you must live in. It's just a bummer when anyone jumps right to blaming gender on any of these problems, and you are one that I see do it constantly. I like what Dana has said, about motivations. that's what's at the root of so much of this, regardless of gender.

Once I said to a woman of LW's type, "If you cared about the relationship even a bit, if I meant anything to you at all, you'd pull the engine from my classic 142E, bore it to 0.01" oversize, port and stroke it, install a hi-rev cam, and put in some non-float, high-K valve springs." She was indignant, and said it wasn't the same thing at all.

Gee, where have we heard that before? Oh, that's right, everywhere!

Good one, Dave. Very true.

Rachel, dear, the last time I saw you on this board, you deliberately misconstrued my intention behind a comment I had made (despite my own protests that that you had taken it wrong). You then compounded your mistake with a pretty revealing comment; you suggested that gay people have such an easy time casting off their friends (when in fact, I was suggesting that the LW should simply end her association with her friend's girlfriend, not her friend).

Oddly, it took two posters, one anonymous and another I actually dislike, to convince you that you misunderstood.

In light of these facts -- to reiterate, 1) you insisted that you know my intent better that I do, and 2) you seem to think that gays are evidently callous people who can casually discard their friends without a second thought -- is there a reason in the world that I should even consider your assessment of me?

There aren't many people on this blog (or in the world, for that matter) whose opinion of me would prompt me to do some introspection. There are some, but not many. And you aren't among them.

The prejudice lies on your end, not mine. Not that I would expect you to have any more regard for my opinion that I would yours.

People of any gender can learn to anticipate a person’s preferences, desires, and unspoken cues when they know a person well enough. If you want someone to be able to anticipate what you want (from behavior to gifts) then you have to communicate to them what you like. The rest just depends on what you’re willing to do to accomplish that. If you’re with someone who needs explicit verbal communication and you’re not willing to open the hole in your face made for communicating, then you’re likely to be disappointed.

Yes, asking for what you want can feel very revealing or leave you feeling vulnerable. Many of women feel really silly asking someone to do stuff for us. Particularly early into dating it can feel like a bizarre breach of the social contract to indicate a desire for gifts or particular displays of affection. But at the end of the day, which is worse: alienating a guy who thinks you’re a high maintenance because you enjoy thoughtful gifts or feeling a little bit of your affection die every Valentines/birthday/anniversary because yet again he didn’t even spring for a cheap card?

I once gave my wife the silent treatment for about a week. I don't remember why. She didn't notice.