That was a tough question and yet you gave her a solid answer that was also quite witty! You make a great point that applies to all relationships, which is that a lot of the success or failure in a relationship is down to the choices we make. This girl has to make the choice to ignore that inner subself in order for her relationship to succeed. I would further recommend that she limit time with the brother until she gets past this phase. Great answer, Amy!

She's doing what is natural for a woman to do, look for the higher-value mate. She found one, problem is it's not her boyfriend, who now by definition is lower-value. My guess is that label will stick even if the attraction to the brother subsides, and she will start to lose attraction for her boyfriend and eventually reject him. The advice from the Goddess is all good, but I'm pessimistic on this one.

Wow is she digging deep to rationalize an answer. Ranks right down there with, " No honey I wasn't cheating on you. I was in bed with a 20 yr old to benefit you, er by expanding my bedroom techniques. Yeah that's it. You should be thanking me."

"She's doing what is natural for a woman to do, look for the higher-value mate. She found one, problem is it's not her boyfriend, who now by definition is lower-value."

The fact that she finds his brother attractive doesn't mean that she see's him as having lower 'value'.

"The fact that she finds his brother attractive doesn't mean that she see's him as having lower 'value'."

But the fact that she is preening for the brother which she isn't doing for the bf, does.

This is Ladder Theory in action.

A really sophisticated answer, Amy, I feel smarter just for having read it.

On the other hand, I can't blame bkmale and jefe for thinking that if it quacks like a duck, has feathers like a duck, and waddles like a duck, then it must be...well, you know.

Amy, you're the one who corresponded with her, so you're in a better position to judge her sincerity, but frankly, I'm not buying it.

She wants her boyfriend's brother. But despite the fact that you're willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, your advice is still appropriate. Remembering all the reasons for staying with the younger brother may help keep her from straying.

She needs to leave the boyfriend, and stay away from the older brother. She's ALWAYS going to wonder about the brother, and he's ALWAYS going to be in the way.

And the boyfriend needs to stop introducing his girfriends to the older brother.

Yeah, yeah, subselves. Got it. Cut to the chase.

My brother's wife crushed on me for years, through a couple of pregnancies. Made every visit very unpleasant for me. She was pretty upfront about it. Which made it unpleasant for everybody.

LW, what you're doing is lousy behavior. Sounds like your subself is a creep. If big bro responds, he's a creep too. If you don't get control of the situation, then you're the creep-hive queen.

Do your guy a favor. Break up with him. When and if you can get your inner-creep under control, you can make it up to him.

You want to make big bro envy little bro? Yeah, that's not happening.

I just wanted to chime in and re-iterate the brilliance of the answer. I take it "subselves" is a phrase for our response to our prime motivators. I suppose it shows our first world nature that procuring sustenance isn't listed. I suppose for us it is subsumed into status?

Whether she is turned on by the brother himself, or the fact that it is her boyfriend's brother, her level of rationalization is really almost Orwellian. I think she has, in some sense, just become self-aware - she finally really sees how she responds to something she would claim to dislike, in this case a lady's man. But, she hasn't yet come to terms with this part of herself and has to come up with a motivation that is still "nice". If she clears that hurdle, and learns how to handle these aspects of herself with honesty, and similar aspects of others with empathy, she should stay with the boyfriend. Otherwise, she's just setting everyone up for something really ugly. Suppression never really works, because it means someone is nowhere near as happy as they ought to be.

Great answer. Dare I say, errr, bang on? ;)

SlowMindThinking

You just Blew My Mind.

Everyone is overanalyzing this. It's natural to want to be wanted, and it's natural to preen more for someone you haven't "got" than for someone you have. It's not a status thing. So she enjoys the big brother's attraction. She's not acting on it, and she's aware of it. I don't think she's crossing any lines.

Everyone is overanalyzing this. It's natural to want to be wanted, and it's natural to preen more for someone you haven't "got" than for someone you have. It's not a status thing. So she enjoys the big brother's attraction. She's not acting on it, and she's aware of herself. I don't think she's crossing any lines.

Everyone is overanalyzing this. It's natural to want to be wanted, and it's natural to preen more for someone you haven't "got" than for someone you have. It's not a status thing or a question of relative value. So she enjoys the big brother's attraction. She's not acting on it, and she's aware of her behavior. I don't think she's crossing any lines.

Whoops, did not mean to respond three times. If anyone reads these, read the last one. It's the most articulate.

Its good she is aware of her behavior. I know women who simply can´t help coming on to every guy in the room, its a self esteem issue many times.

It sounds like all she's doing is trying to look better than usual before they meet, unless there's a lot that's not expressed here. I don't think that's a big deal, and I think it's fairly normal. You just have to notice it, laugh at yourself, and not take it too seriously.