Bad Gratitude
Although I regularly tell my boyfriend how much I appreciate him, he repeatedly reminds me of how well he treats me, often saying "You sure have a great boyfriend" or "Your boyfriend's so good to you" -- even when I've just done something super-nice for him! I'm not sure why he does this, but he often tells me he's "very confident," which screams insecurity to me. He also loves telling stories about people complimenting him and every day tells me about someone's seeing him and saying, "Hi, Chris."
--Annoyed
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish for compliments and you annoy the crap out of everyone who knows or encounters him. Of course, if your boyfriend didn't feel like a skin tag among men, he wouldn't be marching around putting out mini-manifestos on his greatness. You can probably get him to cut back on the incessant self-congratulation simply by telling him it grates on you and makes you feel unappreciated. (A woman likes a man who's quick with a compliment, but especially when at least a few of the compliments are for her.)
The question is, do you even know the man you're with? Chances are, he hides his real feelings out of fear that you'll leave him if you get a glimpse of what he probably sees as his shamefully loserish true self. Unfortunately, somebody chasing inner security all around town is never going to find it, and if your boyfriend's happy in your relationship, he's unlikely to feel motivated to get into the grubby business of digging inward. Relationships involve tradeoffs, and maybe being with him is worth it to you. But you may ultimately find it too hard to respect a guy who does stuff like bragging when people say, "Hi, Chris." Yes, it's the highest achievement of the human spirit: "Wow, people know me, and they don't shun me!"
The Goddess writes: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish for compliments and you annoy the crap out of everyone who knows or encounters him."
Build a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.
Sick paraphrasings aside, it sounds like you nailed it. He sees himself as a loser and seeks to compensate probably by going too far when it comes to doing things for his girlfriend and sounding his own fanfare when he does.
Good advice, Amy.
Patrick at December 24, 2013 4:38 PM
I'm looking forward to someone calling him a narcissist. It won't be true, but it's coming.
whistleDick at December 24, 2013 6:20 PM
I don't think I'm a loser (married 31 years, successful professional) but I still enjoy a compliment from time to time. I try to compliment my wife at least once a day and enjoy receiving one in return, although she doesn't do it as often as I do. Nothing narcissistic or needy about it, it's nice to have someone say something nice to you.
DrMaturin at December 26, 2013 6:39 AM
I would suggest that she should dress up for him. Specifically sneakers to run away, quickly.
It sounds like he's working way too hard to keep her nappy so she won't look at his lumps of insecurities.
Jim P. at December 26, 2013 9:38 AM
When my dad got sober years ago, he started pointing out what a nice guy he was. Today I understand that he was doing that b/c his entire identity had been wrapped up in being a selfish and narcissistic (for you, WD ;) person for most of his life, and it was news to him that he could change and be likeable, which he did. He also stopped doing that, but it took a while. Having witnessed this makes me think this guy is trying to convince HIMSELF, more than his GF or anyone else, that he's awesome, in which case he has my compassion. It sucks to illogically think everyone doesn't like you.
Rachel Flax at December 28, 2013 11:54 AM
Yeah, somebody doth protest too much.
Cousin Dave at December 31, 2013 11:04 AM
even when I've just done something super-nice for him!
Am I the only one translating that as 'blowjob'? Ok, just me. Fine. As you were.
Ltw at January 9, 2014 6:20 PM
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