"We're a generation of men who were raised by women."
Blame it on your moms and sisters.

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!"

I was just thinking what a dumb saying this is, but Amy got to it. And it's not dumb because it's wrong. On the contrary, it's very much true. And the same could be said about a man needing a woman.

But why does the standard have to be based upon "need"? Why can't a man or a woman simply be "a nice thing to have"? Her attitude seems to be, "Since I do not need a man, I must be able to do it all myself."

"I'm going to save the world and I don't need any help!"

*Ok. Imma watch the game.*

"You bastard!"

Gog nailed it.

Controlling martyrs are the worst.

I suspect "I can do it myself" was uttered, more than once in this relationship. The message was received.

I do most of the renovations in our home, everything from painting to plumbing to electrical to flooring, but that's because I *want* to do them. When I do ask for help my husband is more than happy to pitch in. I have no problems either asking him to help or asking to to stay out of my way because I'm "on a mission", and he's secure enough in his own masculinity to step back and let me do my thing while he makes a killer lasagne. We have a healthy and happy relationship because we let each other play to our individual and mutual strengths, regardless of gender. It makes life so much less stressful and to hell with what anyone else thinks of the arrangement. :)

People keep saying it's a generation of men raised by women, but aren't Dads way more involved with kids now than prior generations? Hands-on Dad involvement seemed to start when my generation was young, my parents and grandparents are always talking about how the Dads were never very involved at all.

You can have the martyrdom merit badge or a relationship; pick any one

Wow! Spot-on, tough-love advice. Another excellent job, Amy.

I have to wonder how this harridan actually gets men. I'd rather commit ritual suicide than even go on a date with such a creature, never mind have some kind of relationship with it.

Maybe she should send him to the hardware store for some nice big crucifixion-sized nails for her cross.

I will admit that I was like this, in my 20's. I had been living alone for a decade, I had a nice job, nice car, nice apartment, and could fix anything that needed fixing. I didn't *need* anyone.

When I got married in my early thirties, my then-hubby was the recipient of this same world-view. He checked out, and never came back. We're divorced now (and have become friendly again, but that spark is completely extinguished). I learned quite a lot about myself, over that time.
I'm now engaged to a man who is quite a lot more secure and mature (whether he was, in *his* twenties? Who knows. I love being middle-aged - it's just so much more peaceful.) Anyway, he takes initiative, which makes it easy for me to hand over ownership. He plans our trips and our meals, and I love, love not having to be responsible for everything all the time.

I want to add here, that my ex did a fair share of work. My problem was that I was the one always responsible. I thought up plans, figured out timelines, and decided on approaches. This bred much resentment on both our parts. LW's description sounded just so very familiar, in this regard.

Obviously LW and her BF both have some responsibility for this dynamic. But she has to know that she can't change him, she can only change herself, and this might include working on picking out a man with a little more drive and assertiveness, over men that seem "nice".

LW has been lived in a lifetime of feminism that has beaten, cajoled, and tricked the masculinity out of men. Now she's pissed because this man isn't "man enough" (and clairvoyant too, BTW). Well LW, you sowed the seeds long ago, welcome to the meager, bitter harvest before the long winter...

"and this might include working on picking out a man with a little more drive and assertiveness"

That's going to depend on whether her expectations are realistic.

Some women make themselves crazy with busy work because they're perfectionists and have unreasonable standards. If an otherwise hard working guy has checked out on your 'needs', it's likely that you're being too demanding.

My ex-husband wanted me to be the boss. Then he left me cause I was the boss.

"Why do "helpless" women have men constantly doting on them, while women like me are deemed "too strong"? I was raised by a 1970s feminist and single mother."

Because "strong" women are not desirable to most men. We are wired to lead, to fix things and get things done. This is natural instinct. If you as a woman don't show a need for a man to do these types of things, then why should we stick around? There's plenty of other women who appreciate men for what we are, and they are the ones who get our attention.

The LW might be able to get a better quality man if she fixes her attitude to be more feminine. A charming attitude doesn't completely make up for a lack of youth or looks, but it sure does go a hell of a long way. Its hard to judge just from the short letter, but my gut tells me an anger management course might do wonders here.

Fine. I want to stay home, be a mother, homemaker and wonderful wife. My husband has get up every morning, commute to work, stay there for 40 hours a week or more then commute home. On the weekends he has to pay the bills, fix the cars, fix the house, cut cut the grass and be a wonderful husband. All without being asked, reminded, cajoled, nagged or threatened.

"Why do "helpless" women have men constantly doting on them, while women like me are deemed "too strong"?

Let me provide another answer to this question: Because feminism has co-mingled "strong and independent" with "bitchy and demanding". The latter is neither strong nor independent. But I've met an incredible number of women who seem unable to perceive the difference. They seem to thing that wanting to be domineering and emotionally manipulating is "strong". It's not. Bullies are only bullies until someone their own size takes them down a peg or two; then they are exposed for what they really are.

Did feminism do this intentionally? I don't know, but it doesn't matter. The harm done is the same, and feminism has no interest in fixing it.

I ran into some of these problems (on a much smaller scale) with my now-husband. We both would swear up and down we didn't need or want any help...and then get resentful the other person wasn't helping. Yep, we would get mad at the other person for doing exactly what we asked them to do. It was as stupid as it sounds. Think about it: is your SO doing what you asked them to do? If the answer is "yes," then you are the problem. Try asking for what you actually want, not what will make you resentful to get.

Another thought, if you always do something because you do it better...STOP! I felt this way with certain tasks at home. I felt I had to do them because I was better at them, but this is a self-perpetuation problem. If I never let my husband do certain things then I will ALWAYS be better at them. When I realized this I made sure to let him do tasks I "did better" and tried to learn some of the tasks he just "did better." It's helped us a lot.

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!"

Sure, because men (or women for that matter) just have a burning desired to be made out to be useless and irrelevant in a relationship.

Telling the people in your life that you have no use for them is actually pretty much bullying / psychological abuse. It's not that you're "too strong" ... it's that you're a bully.