She snoops through his computer and personal belongings and he's the problem? Dump her now!

Ray has a point, Amy. Unless there's something in your email exchange with this LW, you missed the mark on failing to chastise her for snooping.

But apart from that, the rest of it was good.

Well, Amy, she does say it's "his" computer. Not "their" computer. And she also said she found some Hooters coupons in his stuff.

That does sound like snooping. So, sigh at the injustice of it all, but it does sound like snooping.

Not the central issue but, just for the record, as someone who worked in a lot of strip clubs in the early 1990s (yes, I really was that cliche, the student stripping my way through grad school. Hey, that fellowship check will only take you so far!) . . . Chris Rock is right. There is no sex in the champagne room.

What strip clubs sell is the chance to see pretty girls almost naked and (at lap-dancing clubs) the chance to have a scantily clad girl sit on your lap and pretend that she wishes she could do more, while slapping your hands off her good bits. (Most common lap-dancer line, "Oh, I wish I could let you touch me there, but that mean old bouncer is just so strict.")

Now, I don't consider having a girl in a very small bikini writhe around on your lap to be cheating, but I certainly see how it could be . . . annoying to the partner. Especially the kind who thinks that having big-boobed waitresses serve you wings is, apparently, tantamount to cheating. I'm going to guess this is sort of woman who writes in to Dan Savage asking how she can get her boyfriend to stop watching porn, because he's cheating on her with his hand, his laptop, and a bottle of Astroglide. As Amy often points out, lack of knowledge of human nature leads to all sorts of misplaced expectations and unhappiness.

One side note. We used to get a lot of bachelors' parties at one of the more upscale clubs I worked in. The guys consistently said something like, "This is my last chance to do something wild before I get married." I'd always ask them, "What's the little lady doing tonight?". The ones who said, "I hope she's doing something like this" would get a high five. The ones who spluttered "What the hell do you mean? Men go to strip clubs, women stay home making themselves pretty" got a major eyeroll and a much less interesting dance.

I wish that strippers were actually as hot as women imagine them to be.

"...because of the possibility of cheating happening. "

I'm with Anathema on this. There is hardly any possibility of cheating at a strip club.

Also, let him have his fantasies. He's lying about it because he's embarrassed by his fantasies and doesn't want you to think less of him. You both must be very young.

One other thing, you may catch him one day masturbating in the shower and won't understand why he would do that with you right there in the bed and available. It won't have anything to do with you or how attractive and sexy he finds you. Just like the strip club thing.

Don't shame him about it.

Now that the snooping (or rather, not-snooping) has been settled, Amy, I thought you did an excellent job of putting his lying and fantasies into perspective. I hope LW listens.

The Bible might say that looking at a woman with lust is committing adultery "in one's heart" (Matthew 5:28), but that was said at a time when women weren't revealing much more than would be allowed by a burqa.

Fantasizing is not doing.

There are two issues here.

The first is the lie. Here's the thing: it's not like strip clubs is an on/off switch, with some guys totally repulsed by them and others regularly visiting them. There's a spectrum. It sounds like your guy lied about being on one extreme when he was actually closer to the other end. If he's frequently searching strip clubs, that's not the same as a guy who generally doesn't go but happened to because it was his friend's bachelor party or whatever. Your boyfriend fundamentally lied about where his moral compass is. That's pretty big.

The second issue is the moral compass issue. You're not comfortable with being with someone who goes to strip clubs. That's legit. There are plenty of people who feel that way, and plenty of guys who don't visit strip clubs. People are telling you you're "wrong" to feel this is cheating. You're not. Fact is, different couples have different concepts of what it means to cheat. Some don't have opposite sex friends at all, and would consider going out to coffee cheating. Some have multiple sex partners and don't consider that cheating. There's no "right" or "wrong", it's about what makes the couple feel comfortable, and compatibility. It's just as legit for your guy to want a partner who is cool with strip clubs, in which case if it is as important to him as it seems to be, he should find one.

You and your boyfriend (whether it is this guy or some future boyfriend) need to figure out what constitutes cheating. You need to figure out where your moral compasses are, and if they're far away from each other you need to figure out if you can work with it, or not.

I actually kind of wonder how this came up to begin with, did your boyfriend randomly volunteer that he hated strip clubs, did you ask him? Are strip clubs big in your social circle? I ask because in my 20s I ran in circles that described themselves as "sex positive" and were fairly promiscuous, and stripping was a pretty common hobby. Now I run in different circles, where if someone was regularly going to strip clubs it would be gossiped about and considered a bit pathetic or at least odd. If you're in a promiscuous circle, and you find you don't share those morals, you might want to look for partners in a different social scene.

Again, you having different ideas of what a relationship should look like doesn't make one of you right, and the other wrong. There's no good guy or bad guy in this. You could both be good people and want different things, and not work as a couple.

The lying, though? I wouldn't compare lying about your moral compass to wearing Spanx. It's a pretty big one.

To sum it up: You're not wrong or unrealistic to want a guy who doesn't go to strip clubs. He's not wrong or unrealistic to want a partner who doesn't mind his going to strip clubs. He IS wrong for misrepresenting himself in a major way. And you are probably wrong for each other.

Nicolek: I think your take on this was more helpful and realistic than Amy's.

As you wisely pointed out, there is no universally-defined line that a person crosses over that constitutes "cheating." What matters is what behavior each person can accept (or not accept) in their partner.

When I was quite young, I had a boyfriend who was very upset with me having male friends. I had to end the relationship, because I was not willing to give up having guys as friends and he couldn't stand it. It was not a case of anybody being wrong or right, just different values.

If it really disturbs her that her boyfriend goes to strip clubs, then, yes, there are kind, respectful men who do not take part in this activity. Whether it is natural for men to enjoy watching strippers is irrelevant.

There are two lies here, him lying about going her lying about not caring much about him going and understanding why men go.

"Some don't have opposite sex friends at all, and would consider going out to coffee cheating. "

No, this is just wrong, period. It's possessive. Being in a relationship with someone does not make them your property.

Yeah, Joe, hers is a pretty big lie too.

Amy:"They keep mum to avoid conflict in their relationships, in part because they think they could never explain male desire in a way that wouldn't make a woman's head fly off and chase them around the room."

Cracked me up. Thanks Amy. We log on for the drama, and we stay for the humor. Yes. That's exactly why we lie to you, honey. Your head explodes and you get all weird about the old Penthouses in the garage.

Okay, LW's boyfriend isn't very good at this. He's leaving credit card and electronic spoor everywhere, and he doesn't seem to realize that GF's avatar is a bloodhound. He should be better at this. Probably his Mom didn't train him up right - instead of shaming him for the porn she found under his mattress, she just cleaned around it. So, yeah, LW bust his chops some more, and he'll be more careful.

Orrrrr...... I dunno. Maybe LW could stop being a snoop, woman up, and just let this go. I mean have you ever been in, say, Best Buy's TV section when woman's beach volleyball is on and every man between 8 and 88 is just standing there slack-jawed? Like they can't help it? Like it's the nature of the beast?

LW has fallen to feminism "big idea" --- that females have right to control male sexuality.

If she were even a bit respectful, she would apologize to her partner for seeing something he didn't want her to see. She violated his privacy.

"just don't feel it's right for guys in relationships to go because of the possibility of cheating happening." LW

or perhaps reading between the lines... going to strip clubs IS cheating.

the crux of it is that they both need to redefine the boundaries of their relationship. expectations can be quite different, and how many people consider "regular sex" to be once a month.

getting at the heart of the lie is to find out WHO thinks it's shameful to do a thing... and where they live. Her weirdness about Hooters coupons indicates that she holds no truck with pretty waitress in revealing outfits.

but what is the REASON for that? suggesting this is just the way guys are, doesn't address her insecurities, or her need for control.

there are all sorts of levels here, maybe they need full bore couple's counseling... or it maybe something simple like his mom beat his dad for going to a bar once when he was a kid... and that is why he is guarded, while thinking he should be able to go to such a club.

I'd be curious to know how she feels about him viewing porn, and how she thinks about what he should want. Just telling how he's visual may be meaningless, if she doesn't care what he wants. nor will it help much if she is just insecure about the feeling the he should ONLY look at/want her. Most women believe that, most guys learn to look in a way that isn't obvious.

Too much gloss over the lying aspect of this story.

This guy preemptively told and maintained a lie that was the opposite of his moral reality. He could have made no comment whatsoever about strip clubs. He could have been noncommittal had he been asked by her directly, as most guys would. Strip clubs are pretty mainstream.

Isn't it kind of concerning that he went out of his way to /disparage/ them? In my experience, when a man makes a big deal about condemning something sexual, it's often because he himself is wrestling with that temptation.

Oh, and he's STILL insisting the search wasn't his?

I would want no part of this relationship. It sounds like he's a coward and/or he's trying to hide this pastime because he has a problem and is conflicted about it. Seriously, I'm prepared for the flames, but this behavior is typical of someone who's dealing with an addiction.

Howcome Amy never talks about what women want sexually. She says men are always under attack, but so are women. Women are ALWAYS under attack in American culture for expressing their sexuality, and pursuing what they like. Haven't you read the studies on how older women are attracted to younger men? I bet you and your readers trash on these women.

Haven't you guys ever read the Sperm Wars?

Here's part of an article from Psychology Today

2. Women can suffer from sexual boredom just like men. I know - this is a hard one to believe. After all - according to way too many experts on relationships and female sexuality - if a woman is feeling emotionally connected and loved - she is turned on forever and ever! It is the men - those beasts - who need sexual variety! Hold on to your knickers....here it comes - this is simply not true for all women! Recently - I heard this story about Calvin Coolidge and his wife (told by a relationship expert). The legend goes that the Coolidges were at a farm - and Mrs. Coolidge was watching Mr. Coolidge standing in the barnyard with the chickens. A rooster was vigorously servicing a hen. She alledgedly send a note to Mr. Coolidge asking him to come up and service her the way the rooster was taking are of the hen - to which Mr. Coolidge replied "My dear - look at all of the hens the rooster has to choose from". Well you know - I know a lot of hens - and sometimes after many years of relationship and marriage - some of us look over at the couch and think "Not the same old rooster"! Are you still breathing?

"Howcome Amy never talks about what women want sexually. "

Because that information is all over every media outlet you care to name. What Women Want is a major obsession with damn near everyone in American who writes, speaks, or publishes today. On the other hand, what men want is a verboten topic at many said outlets. Amy has tried to create a safe space here where both men and women can speak honestly about what they need and want. And commeters like you parachuting in and trying to shame us for doing that is exactly the reason why.

"This guy preemptively told and maintained a lie that was the opposite of his moral reality. He could have made no comment whatsoever about strip clubs. "

That's a good point, and I don't have a read on the situation. My first thought on reading the letter was, yeah, he doth protest too much. On the other hand, it is possible that the LW pressures him on that issue (would not be surprising considering that she apparently thinks Hooter's is the House of the Rising Sun), and he made those statements just to keep the peace in the relationship.

Mere Mortal,
You have it all wrong. Feminists don't try to control male sexuality. Feminists are trying to seek sexual liberation from misogyny.

Nicole K had this one.

I think the whole idea of younger women being attracted to older men with money is so the woman will have comfort and security, and then she will go out and cheat on the guy with younger ones. Look at Courtney Stodden. She openly cheats on Doug with the younger ones.

Fascinating column and follow-up discussion. I, too, think NicoleK has about the best take, though several other commenters also said good stuff.

I've done tons of research in strip clubs and with sex workers -- wrote a cover story and produced two radio documentaries on it -- so I'm not going to be able to convey all of that in a comment thread.

Suffice to say that I love going to neo-burlesque shows. My attitude is how can you not enjoy beautiful human bodies? I wish I could see that show by Cirque du Soleil -- the one that doesn't travel, it's only in Vegas -- where the entire troupe is naked. What's not to like?

But strip clubs are a whole different environment, deliberately so. They're not meant to be welcoming to women. Unless the women are naked and open their mouths only to flatter the men they're slyly conning out of money. As someone above said, it's true there's no sexual intercourse or blow jobs going on inside the club; out in the parking lot, however, is another matter.

The blue collar places for the most part didn't object to my notebook or microphone. The "gentlemen's clubs," however, full of lawyers and lobbyists, did. As soon as they found out why I was there, they booted me.

Anyway, sorry, I've gone on too long. This is a rich subject, as is human sexuality in general, and there's obviously much more to say.

Hey Lisa,
Do a documentary on the Chippendales :D:D:D:D

Overall, an excellent answer, Nicole, and I especially agree with this...

There's no "right" or "wrong", it's about what makes the couple feel comfortable, and compatibility.

For the most part, that is.

I do think there are some things that are "wrong", or border on it. For example, if Gary gets upset/mad if his girlfriend so much as talks to another man, one could argue that there's nothing wrong with him feeling that way, that he should merely find someone compatible: a woman who has no interest at all in talking to other men. But I think that level of possessiveness/jealousy is "wrong." I think that Gary has some issues he should deal with.

"Whether it is natural for men to enjoy watching strippers is irrelevant."

Uhhh it being a natural biological urge is the most important point. You do understand relevance right?

I like what CousinDave said, which is being in a relationship with someone doesn't make them your property. Plus this girl has a problem with Hooters. I have a problem with them too-girls are getting paid to not even take their clothes off, just to be "pretty".

It reminds of when someone disparages someone for having a weird fetish-like being into feet. And they attract a closeted guy who is exactly into that shit.

I think it's lame when men diss strip clubs ... it sometimes comes across as if they're just sucking up to women. I like strip clubs and more and not ashamed of it. But I've basically only ever gone when either 'out of town' or single. I can't quite see myself saying to the wife, "hey honey, I'm just popping out to the strip club". It's not that I'm ashamed of it, it would just feel like I'd be unnecessarily rubbing it in her face. Also, I'd be leaving her at home with a 2yo so I can go out and have fun at a strip club .. I dunno, seems wrong somehow. I doubt she'd mind in principle, and in any case, she keeps me happy enough at home that I don't feel much desire to go. I can't say the thought has never crossed my mind though. Regularly. That's biology. But the other problem is I'd want to do more than just look. Better to stay out of trouble :/

I can get that if he's made a big deal about not liking strip clubs she feels cheated. He's also an idiot for doing so. Not so much the Hooters thing. The lying does matter though.

However, LW

I should say that I understand men's interest in these clubs; I just don't feel it's right for guys in relationships to go because of the possibility of cheating happening.

Unlikely. Ok, it happens, but it's a lot rarer than you think. He's probably safer there than in a bar.

Anathema - I would have liked you :)

it would just feel like I'd be unnecessarily rubbing it in her face

Nothing wrong with that if you're both into it Lobster!

No one seems to have considered the possibility that it WAS someone else who did the searches. It is not unusual to let visiting friends or relatives use one's computer while you are taking care of tasks. She may have checked the time of the web accesses to see if he was home alone at those times, but it doesn't indicate so in the letter.

The people who are claiming they must be incompatible because of this are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Besides, how insecure is the LW to be upset over Hooter's coupons? It reminds me of a friend who had a limo to a strip joint set up for his bachelor party; when his fiance found out it all got shot down, even though her Dad was going.

My then-girlfriend once saw a Forties pinup drawing (an Al Buell art print all framed and nice, a woman fully dressed in a gown), in my apartment. It was at that moment that she turned into an a-hole. I married her anyway, but she never stopped being an a-hole. After the divorce I had a girlfriend who didn't mind it at all but she ended up marrying a woman herself.

You can't win.