Moody Call
Ten months ago, while studying abroad, I had one wonderful night with a girl. We kissed and danced the night away. She lives in Brazil, but we've communicated regularly via Skype and email. I've never felt such a strong connection. Recently, I asked what she wanted, and she said to be together in the same country. We started imagining that, and she became extremely attached, wanting reassurance about our future that I couldn't yet give. I confessed to feeling guilty about causing her emotional strain. She flipped, seeming like a totally different person. She said it wasn't the first time someone had worried about how attached she was and said she'd start being more distant with me. Angry, I briefly blocked her on my phone so I wouldn't communicate anything rash. She later complained about her texts bouncing back, and I explained what I'd done and why. She lost it, saying she was "sick of this" and "done." That was two weeks ago. Should I attempt reopening communication? I feel I'm missing the opportunity of a lifetime if I don't.
--International Love
Here's a woman who flips out when you worry aloud that you aren't making her happy fast enough. The prospect of being with someone who does this is the "opportunity of a lifetime" the way Hurricane Sandy was the vacation opportunity of a lifetime, complete with the chance to swim in the Jersey shore's finest restaurants and mingle with celebrities (well, wave to Sean Penn if a disaster recovery photo op took his rowboat past the roof of your motel).
A long-distance relationship is a relationship that's miles from reality. Much of its power comes from what's missing. For example, there are a lot of blanks left by "seeing" somebody by Skype and email. Nature (and human nature) abhors a vacuum, so you fill the blanks with your projections of who the person is, drawn from romantic memories and hopes of who you'd like them to be. The love you feel may, in part, be a love of how your conversations make you feel about you: that you're witty, charming, and a great romancer. And of course, love that's out of reach tends to have the strongest pull, a la Romeo and Juliet. Frankly, if their families hadn't basically been the Crips and the Bloods with linguini and instead had been all "Hey, you crazy kids, be home by curfew," it probably would have been a matter of weeks before Juliet was sneaking out behind the palazzo with Marcello and then Luigi.
You find out whether you can have a life with a woman by experiencing her day to day -- seeing whether she chases you around with a cleaver when you forget to wash a glass or when you draw the line at picking up ladyproducts at the drugstore. You could propose living in the same place for a month -- after getting in touch to tell her how wrong you were. (This is basically catnip for women, and whether you were actually wrong about anything is immaterial.) But consider all that goes into a relationship with someone from another country (travel expenses, residency permits, and difficulty finding work and even getting a work permit). Maybe it makes sense to deem what you had as "one wonderful night with a girl" -- before you get to Brazilian customs and find yourself answering "Do you have anything to declare?" with "Yes, I think I'm making a big mistake."
Oh my god, the bright lights in your future are blaring, red warning signals. That woman is so much trouble that I can feel here and I'm in Europe. Any woman who flips out and you seriously wonder why, is a woman to stay clear of! She might be charming and beautiful and have a mouth like velvet, but she will make you regret it. That kind of drama NEVER ceases. Ever.
The warning signs are there...this is clear and present danger. Reminds me of this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkcKQmr7kRc
Jesper at December 10, 2013 11:37 PM
Um...you danced. One night. Am I reading the letter wrong? You didn't have any relationship not even casual aquaintances. Stop skyping and meet some local girls
Nicolek at December 11, 2013 12:11 AM
The Goddess writes: "Nature (and human nature) abhors a vacuum..."
So does my cat.
Patrick at December 11, 2013 3:03 AM
Where do "men" like this come from? Dude, you danced with her and kissed her. Big deal! I did that basically every weekend when I was a single man. You didn't even have sex with her, fer chrissake. There's no need to get so wound up about some random foreigner you'll never see again. As far as a "strong connection," yeah, that was your penis wanting to connect with her vagina.
As Nicolek wrote, go out and meet some local women. You can make an actual "connection" with them.
MikeInRealLife at December 11, 2013 7:47 AM
Do I smell a "Spanish Prisoner" scam here?
Fayd at December 11, 2013 8:31 AM
You only fell in love with one Brazilian while studying abroad and dancing at a club?
Usually for me it has been a different one every night.......
Ppen at December 11, 2013 9:30 AM
I don't smell a "Spanish Prisoner" scam here, but I do smell a Brazilian skunk. Move forward with this ONLY if she is Sofia Vergara's more attractive sister, and even then be cautious.
alittlesense at December 11, 2013 10:09 AM
Hm... saw this same advice column earlier in the year. http://www.salon.com/2013/05/24/my_text_blew_up_in_my_face/
Debbie Cole at December 11, 2013 10:35 AM
The Force is weak in this one.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at December 11, 2013 12:13 PM
Gog wins the Internet!
Pirate Jo at December 11, 2013 1:29 PM
Yeah, it just screams Cluster B. LW, be thankful she has stopped communicating with you. You dodged a bullet.
Cousin Dave at December 12, 2013 8:46 AM
Nah, I think he should move to Brazil to be with this woman, based on the fact that he kissed her and danced the night away and has never felt such a strong connection. And the fact that she said she wanted to be together in the same country. She just got upset in her emails because she's so passionate and devoted to the idea of being with him. Just follow your heart man, don't worry about logic.
And milk powers the phone lines.
Thomas Fullery at December 12, 2013 11:50 AM
What the fuck you been smokin, boy?! I would agree with the posters who are telling you to find some local women, but before you do that, you need to go buy yourself some common sense. Romance novels and movies are NOT real life, and until you learn that, you need to keep your junk in your pants.
Erica at December 13, 2013 4:25 PM
To "International Love",
Look up "borderline personality"
-> She flipped, seeming like a totally different person.
Borderlines will love you with an intensity you have never before experienced (unless she is not your first). But, disappointment at some point causes her to flip to her negative side, also something you don't want to experience. Psychologists often refuse to treat borderlines. They don't want to be sued when the inevitable blaming begins.
-> She said it wasn't the first time someone had worried about how attached she was and said she'd start being more distant with me.
She announces that she has been down this road before, then pushes your buttons with a threat that she will withdraw her love. Borderlines are keen observers of human nature and manipulation.
I know a bit about borderlines, unfortunately. Run away.
Andrew_M_Garland at December 15, 2013 9:21 PM
Gee, you make borderlines sound almost like sociopaths ;)
Jack at December 17, 2013 5:22 PM
I was also involved with a 'borderline' once. Andrew above describes part of it pretty accurately. Read a book or an article on Borderline Personality Disorder. I bet you find your Brazillian love described almost to a tee.
They can be very sweet at times and very intense and almost insatiable lovers, but the other half of the time they ar vicious, bizarre and incredibly destructive people. And they can't stop it and have no control over it. It's very close to schizophrenia.
Mike at January 19, 2014 8:19 AM
Leave a comment