The Rat Of The Litter
For two months, I've been dating an awesome guy. He does sweet things like leaving cute notes on my windshield, but I worry about how he looks up to his older brother, who isn't the greatest person. What's most worrisome is how his brother treats women like garbage, saying anything to get them into bed and then ditching them or cheating. I haven't known my apparently awesome boyfriend long, so part of me worries about whether any part of his brother has rubbed off on him or will. How much of a "family resemblance" is there between brothers?
--Having Cautious Fun
Younger brothers do tend to look up to older brothers, and frankly, this is hard to avoid if one's older brother is always dangling out some married woman's second-floor window.
But behavioral science research finds that personality isn't transferred from one person to another like cat hair from a couch to black pants. "Personality similarity between relatives seems to come mostly from their shared genes," writes behavioral geneticist and twins researcher Nancy Segal in "Born Together--Reared Apart." About your boyfriend and his brother, Segal told me, "If they were identical twins, I would worry!" Identical twins share 100 percent of their genes, she explained. But "siblings share 50 percent of their genes, on average" and "can be very different."
And even with those genes they share, biology isn't destiny. The same gene that vaults into action in one brother (sending chemical signals to the brain that influence personality) might spend a lifetime napping in the other. Gene expression -- whether certain genes get switched on -- is triggered by environment (which includes diet, chemical exposure, and a person's experiences). And although these brothers grew up in the same family, the same environment's effect on different siblings can be different because they experience it at different ages, with a different combination of genes, and with different peer and other influences. So, for example, four brothers can have the same physically abusive grifter father but only one of them -- executed murderer Gary Gilmore -- ends up a cold-blooded killer. And then there's Bill Clinton and his half brother Roger -- one of whom was the leader of the free world and the other, a leader in finding the free beer.
Chances are your boyfriend looks up to his brother for historical reasons -- for building him forts out of couch cushions and making some bully wear girls underwear on his head -- and he doesn't want to mess up his misty view with new information, like how his brother collects girls' tears in little labeled glass vials. You, however, are on the right track -- "having cautious fun" instead of deciding your boyfriend's the cheese and closing your eyes to any information contradicting that. But while your boyfriend's brother is a user of people, which points to a lack of empathy, your boyfriend's behavior (just per the notes he leaves on your car) suggests he takes pleasure in delighting you, which suggests he truly cares about you. If only his brother would show similar thoughtfulness and start leaving his own cute notes on girls' cars -- perhaps something along the lines of "Roses are red, violets are blue; I just got a shot at the free clinic, and so should you."
The same could be written about my boyfriend and his brother (who is also a womanizer). But, based on how they live their lives, it's obvious they're very different people.
I actually think people tend to grow out of trying to be like a sibling. My sister and I started desperately trying to differentiate ourselves when we hit puberty, and my boyfriend still tries to differentiate himself from his brother (because he finds his behavior with women a little bit embarrassing).
sofar at January 14, 2014 8:42 PM
My brother is a 6'4" mercenary, who washes dishes and cooks.
Needless to say.....we are nothing alike. Especially the washing dishes part.
Ppen at January 14, 2014 11:29 PM
There is a very strong connection between close brothers that goes way beyond genes, though. As you say, she's right to consider it.
My older brother and I are very close in age and also very close emotionally. Since we have long phone conversations, weekly or more, that often involve talking about our dating lives, a lot of each other's views are certainly going to have an influence. Call it a cultural influence, I suppose. It's different than a remembrance of the days when we shared a bunk bed or anything like that. We've only become closer as the years have gone on. When someone you love that much says stuff, you listen.
On the other hand, there is a big difference between the way one of us brothers will talk to the other about someone we're genuinely interested in versus someone that we're simply banging. You very well may have made it into the first category and, therefore, have nothing to worry about.
Here's something off-topic as all hell. I just got home from going to an Itzhak Perlman concert. Holy crap! I'm so amped up I can't sleep. If any of you get a chance to see that guy play, pay whatever it is that he's asking (and it will be a lot, but worth double). I've never in my life enjoyed a concert more. I just wanted to throw out that entertainment suggestion to our little community here for what it's worth.
whistleDick at January 14, 2014 11:36 PM
And sometimes brothers can change their spots. It's rare, I know. I have 3 brothers, all of whom wash dishes and cook, but the middle one was such a womanizer for such a long time, that I thought he'd never settle down with just one woman. Well, he has. And he's very committed to her, which is wonderful to see. So yes, sometimes they'll change but only if they want to. So, LW, I wouldn't worry about your guy, or his brother, unless and until you see signs that your guy is starting to act like his brother. But honestly, I think you're good...
Flynne at January 15, 2014 5:25 AM
Ppen, I have to disagree. It sounds like you're both smokin' hot.
Michelle at January 15, 2014 6:11 AM
Michelle I sense you judge people with extreme accuracy.
Ppen at January 15, 2014 11:35 AM
Hmmm. Short letter, and Amy's answer was funny, and correct, but I worry a little about women like the letter writer. She seems like someone who could easily cross the line into vetting everyone she and her boyfriend associate with for the proper values and moral standards.
Some of my friends are not particularly trustworthy or reliable people, but they can be entertaining and fun, as long as I dont expect more from them than they can deliver.
As Amy cleverly points out, bad behavior is not necessarily genetic, but you also can't catch it like the chicken pox either.
If nothing else, badly behaving friends and relatives can serve as a horrible warning. You don't need to shun them to keep yourself pure.
Isab at January 15, 2014 12:58 PM
My two brothers couldn't be more different from my two sisters. My brothers married for life and by all appearances were or are decent husbands. (One brother is deceased.) My two sisters have been married eight times between them. Heaven knows how any of those men put up with them.
Lori at January 15, 2014 1:41 PM
One bantered returned compliment lobbed my way by a hot woman and I am speechless and drop the ball, because suddenly nothing seems good enough.
I do feel for straight men.
Michelle at January 15, 2014 8:03 PM
I'm a straight, atheist libertarian, with three brothers, all younger.
One of my brothers was gay (passed away last year).
One is a leftist; still thinks Obama walks on water, then turns it into a fine Merlot.
The youngest is a fundamentalist Christian (took on the belief at 16, hasn't wavered in over 40 years).
Rex Little at January 16, 2014 10:32 AM
Don't worry Michelle, it's not your fault. I have that effect on alot of people.
Ppen at January 16, 2014 11:29 AM
I believe it. Glad to know I'm in good company. :)
And thank you for being so kind.
Michelle at January 16, 2014 1:19 PM
Amy says: And then there's Bill Clinton and his half brother Roger -- one of whom was the leader of the free world and the other, a leader in finding the free beer.
I think their differences are in scope of ambition, not in fundamental character. Well, Roger is more honest.
Grey Ghost at January 17, 2014 7:59 AM
If you want to talk about Presidents with uncouth siblings, none and I do mean none could top Billy and Jimmy Carter.
Patrick at January 18, 2014 5:41 AM
Patrick, Billy Carter was my first thought too. Say what you want about Jimmy Carter, but at least his greatest ambition in life wasn't to have a beer named after him.
Cousin Dave at January 24, 2014 7:41 AM
As I occasionally point out, it is possible for siblings to have NO genes in common - without extramarital affairs.
If sib1 gets the half of mom's genes that came from maternal grandma and the half of dad's genes that came from paternal grandma, and sib2 gets mom's dad's and dad's dad's genes... they have ZERO in common (aside from what we all have in common and the 98% of our DNA that also exists in the fruit fly).
Shannon M. Howell at February 2, 2014 7:40 PM
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