My husband is the same way--his family would probably go belly-up if he weren't around to help them. When we got married, it bothered me a bit, but then he started helping out MY family, too--and he now lends a hand to our neighbors in need. Sometimes someone gives him a "thank you" gift, but more often than not his only reward is a "thanks." Doesn't bother him at all and it no longer bothers me because it makes him happy.
His kindness takes NOTHING away from our family life and sets a great example for our kids about being helpful. If "my cobbler's children had no shoes," it might be different.
Methinks the LW needs to relax a little.

You gotta love it, when the kind helpful family loving personality of a man who attracted you in the first place, as a good long term bet,

is what bothers you, when you think you have already reeled him in.

Why does the LW want to fight about this? She needs a serious attitude adjustment.

They aren't married.

She sounds like a controlling bitch. Like the letter writer who thought that her boyfriend should not be getting random gifts of money from his parents, this poor guy needs to dump her quickly.

Bigger control issues are down the road....

I gotta laugh at this stuff, because my pirate girl does it to ME... crying about how I make a living driving nails, but she can't hit a nail with a hammer to save her life, therefore, I need to come over at 11pm to put new shingles on her roof.
It ain't the sex, either.

If anyone let me live rent free in their home for SIX FRIGGIN' MONTHS you better believe I'd help them out every chance I got. And I would resent anyone who tried to talk me out of it. Seriously - someone who has been that nice should get a "yeah, I'll help you now. For $30 an hour"?

Sez the LW: "When I bring up their taking advantage of him, it always causes a fight because he won't see my point of view."

Perhaps he does see your point of view, but he still thinks you're wrong.

Perhaps he does see your point of view, but he still thinks you're wrong.

Amen, Old RPM. Sounds like he's way more tolerant than she is.

Perhaps he does see your point of view, but he still thinks you're wrong.

This. Sounds more like he just doesn't accept her point of view as his reality.

Also, 6 months worth of free rent (and possibly utilities and food) is no small matter. He SHOULD be helping these people out.

When I bring up their taking advantage of him, it always causes a fight because he won't see my point of view.

Hey Einstein, stop bringing it up.

I could at least understand LW being upset if her boyfriend was out fixing stuff for the family every weekend.

But three times in the past six months? This is a problem worth fighting about? Three little jobs that probably took a couple of hours each. Jeez. It's not as if he's rewiring the house or replacing all of the pipes.

He sounds like a great guy.

"to install their new kitchen faucet, mend their fence (with the husband's help), and assemble a lawnmower." You are completely full of shit LW. We are talking about maybe be, if he's flagrantly incompetent 6-8 hours of work. If he had the right tools hell 2-3. Unless they have a paddock on their property. A few hours helping family is nothing we've all done it. Or for some of us weeks wearing hazmat gear and shell out thousands for supplies.

And quite honestly he maybe getting paid and just not sharing it. Might be the reason he tells you to drop it. You are trying your hardest to take away his fun money. Also that six months in even a shit neighborhood is 3k. If they are as well off as you complain it's probably closer to 20. He may even be asking then if he can help to pay back the debt. Just not saying anything to avoid yet another fight.

I'm stuck building a shed with Tim Allen. Even though my family is well off mom sure as hell won't cover it (for a damn good reason). It's GD disaster and my brother who lives there free ain't doing shit. But favors got called in and I'm shafted. Oh yeah and he can afford it to but that will cut into his hobby money. Just remember this conversation when he helps you move YOUR parents to Florida or assisted living. Especially if either parent is hoarders.

Does it not occur to this woman that guys like doing this kind of thing together? Guys will hang out and work on a car, or build something for one of them, and it's a bonding experience. Maybe the writer should just pretend that boyfriend and his brother are going out for lunch and mani-pedis.

LW: When I bring up their taking advantage of him, it always causes a fight because he won't see my point of view.

Amy: The issue you should be worried about is tucked in at the end of your letter. It's your style of conflict resolution, which appears to be, "There are two ways to see an issue, my way or my way.

This makes me laugh because it reminds me of a former girlfriend. Whenever we'd disagree about something, she'd inevitably cry "you're not listening to me!" I'd point out to her that I heard (and understood) what she was saying, but just didn't agree with it, but that never seemed to register with her. She seemed to feel that anyone who "listened" to her would always end up agreeing with her.

As for the LW's situation, I don't exactly see the couple taking advantage of her boyfriend. They did, after all, let him live at their house rent-free for six months. That's significant compensation for installing a new kitchen faucet, helping to mend a fence and assembling a lawnmower.

"This makes me laugh because it reminds me of a former girlfriend. Whenever we'd disagree about something, she'd inevitably cry "you're not listening to me!" I'd point out to her that I heard (and understood) what she was saying, but just didn't agree with it, but that never seemed to register with her. She seemed to feel that anyone who "listened" to her would always end up agreeing with her."

Wymen's studies departments and the entire democratic party are being run on this exact same idiotic assumption,

That if you were listening, you would be in agreement, so therefore, you are not listening, if you still won't knuckle under and do it their way.

Jeez, lw, get over yourself already! Are you seriously writing to an advice columnist about this non-issue? What, have all of your friends already told you you're being petty and dumb, so now you're hoping maybe a total stranger will take your side? "Oh, no, my boyfriend is too nice! And he helps his family once every two months! Oh, woe is meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

"When you're invited to somebody's home for dinner, good manners dictate that you bring something, but maybe a bottle of wine or a pie, not a shovel so you can dig the hole for their new septic tank: "Dinner will be served after a little light plumbing.""

This little hilarious gem is why I love me my Amy. Hilarious. :)

I don't know these individuals so can't really say, but it sounds a bit insulting to assume he's just being a pushover, as if you think he can't stand on his own two feet. Let him have some autonomy on how he conducts his affairs with his family. That he stands up to you on it suggests he's not just being a pushover, but that this is just how he wants to be, if he likes being that way, why should it bother you so much? Sounds like you're trying to drive a wedge between him and family, to make him choose between family and you.

Rent for six months is worth WAY more than the bit of labor you've listed above, so if you really want to go put everything in a spreadsheet and tally up the balance sheet to the last cent, then it sounds like he's coming out ahead anyway.

And just because they're lawyers, how do you know what they could easily afford? You never know what peoples financial situations really are, maybe they also have some financial challenges of their own.

I wish my life was so wonderful that this was the big problem I'd have to write an advice columnist about.

I agree with the Original Kit. My husband and his step-dad spend a big chunk of family get-togethers working on projects in the garage. It's how they connect. Plus step-dad's a stubborn, healthy 90 years old, and hubby's one of the only people he'll trust to help him.

Amy, I admire your patience in dealing with some of these people and their problems. At least we get to read your fun responses.