I'm a single mother with a 12-year-old son. Four years ago, when my boyfriend fell in love with me, he would buy me clothes and jewelry. He also promised to build a house for my son and me to live in. (We can't live with him, because he repairs motorcycles from home and it's loud day and night.) Well, he is building the house but now says it's for his mother -- a woman living perfectly fine on her monthly Social Security checks. I work six days a week and still have trouble making ends meet, despite my boyfriend's giving me $400 to $500 a month. He keeps making promises that get me excited and make me want to stick around, like that he'll take me to Hawaii one day. I love him, but I fantasize about having a boyfriend I could live with so he could help me with the rent and bills.

--Conflicted

We all dream of finding that special someone to pay the cable bill.

There's looking for love, and there's looking for some man to take over where Daddy left off on your allowance. You do say you love this guy -- well, somewhere in there, between all the grumbling over money, clothes, jewelry, trips, and elderly moms getting houses. Compare your kind of love with my favorite definition, by sci-fi writer Robert Heinlein: "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." This implies a level of effort -- beyond waiting around, frowning, with your hand out, for that other person to slap a handful of $100s into it.

The truth is, money actually can buy happiness, because the possibility of having real love starts with not having to choose boyfriends according to which provides the best financial aid package. Monetary independence would also allow you to have higher standards for a partner than you can now. Though no man owes you a home or a trip to Hawaii (are you dating a man or a game show?), promises should mean something. You wouldn't have to stick around to see which promise your boyfriend breaks next if you could go to the ATM and get a stack of your own money (instead of what the ATM probably spits out now -- increasingly rude receipts: "Cash? Are you nuts, lady? You're more overdrawn than Greece").

Consider taking steps to become independent, like living a more "European" existence. (Europeans seem content with far smaller living spaces, fewer appliances, and not living life as a mad dash to get the next shiny new whatever.) You could get a roommate or move in with one -- perhaps some other single mom whose values you seem to share. And you could figure out and work on ways to improve your earning power. It won't be easy street, but it should eventually prove far more satisfying than sitting around feeling cheated out of a house and resenting some old lady (already living the high life on her Social Security checks!) for not reusing more of her teabags.

What's with a man who fathered three children with three different women but never married any of them? He always cheats on girlfriends and then just moves on to the next. Sadly, I was the most recent. By the time I learned how he operates, I was very much in love with him. I told him he'll end up a sad old man with no one to care for him, but he still won't work on our problems; he just left and is now with some new woman. When does he pay the piper?

--Still In Love With Him And Hating That

Unfortunately, "paying the piper" is just a metaphor, out of a folk tale about a town with a rat infestation and a mayor who tried to stiff the medieval cousin of the Orkin Man. As for your rat problem, the state may make this guy pay child support, but they can't make him come back and talk about his feelings.

You say you love the guy. But you don't. You love who he pretended to be, like in one of those movies where Mr. Wonderful's face finally falls off, revealing the creepy space alien underneath. You've now seen the creep. Focus on that, and use it to avoid being fooled again. Even the cleverest deceiver will have little truths that leak out -- behaviors that don't match their words. We're prone to focus on the good things about a person, but it's essential to also look for the bad. It's the bad stuff that leaves you filled with longing -- for your boyfriend to be thrown in somebody's trunk, tried for crimes against womankind, and sentenced to spend the rest of his life being belittled on national TV by Dr. Phil.

I've been dating a fun, very attractive woman for about a month, and things have been going great. However, on our last date, we were out at dinner, and the female server accidentally spilled an entire glass of red wine on her dress. Though the server seemed mortified and apologized profusely, my date absolutely lost it -- going into a rage and yelling at the poor server, telling her she needs to learn how to do her job, etc. Except for this incident, this woman has been sweet to me and generally acts like a nice person. Should I give her some leeway on this?

--Concerned

Red wine and clothing have been problematic companions for centuries. Impressive as it is that Jesus turned water into wine, if only he'd developed a way to turn wine back into water, he could have opened a highly successful chain of dry cleaners.

And while it's pretty awful when somebody spills red wine all over your outfit, it's especially awful when you are on a date and want to be at your sexy, pulled-together best. (If you felt a 2006 Bordeaux would have improved your look, you would have thrown a glass of it on yourself before leaving the house.)

But as I note in my new book, "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck" (June 3, St. Martin's Press), when you've just started dating someone, the butter-paws waiter who gives them a red wine bath is probably doing you a favor. Significant character flaws (like rage issues) are unlikely to be revealed in the early stages of dating, when the biggest source of stress you see your date experiencing is the kitchen's forgetting to leave off the parsley garnish on their medallions of duck.

If, when you're dating someone new, you never get seated in the clumsy waiter's section, go camping together, collaborate on a project, or engage in other stress-producing activities that strain a person's patience and party manners. Bad personality traits, if any, are likely to scurry around like cockroaches after somebody turns the lights on.

As for this woman, it doesn't look good. Her behavior suggests not only a lack of compassion but poor "self-regulation," psychologists' term for the ability to control one's emotional reactions. You also don't mention her expressing embarrassment or apologizing afterward as people acting out in uncharacteristic ways tend to do. If you decide to stick around, be wary of succumbing to "optimism bias" -- our tendency to project a rosy future for ourselves: silver linings all around; hold the clouds. This leads to selective eyesight, like focusing on how hot a woman is rather than how hot-headed. This may work for you for a while -- perhaps until she's melting your ear in the drugstore aisle: "WHERE ARE THE TAMPONS I TOLD YOU TO GET, YOU BIG MORON?" Of course, at that point, there's only one thing to say to her: "Sorry, ma'am. I think you've mistaken me for somebody else."

I'm a 23-year-old guy dating a beautiful and exciting 33-year-old woman. Because she's older than everybody in my circle, my buddies have taken to calling her "Mom" (though not to her face) and ripping on me for dating her. She really is fantastic, but I have to admit this is having an impact on me -- making me both angry at my friends and embarrassed that she and I stick out for the age difference.

--Peer-Pressured

Ten years seems like a big deal now, but when you're 139, she won't even be 150 yet.

It's understandable that you're feeling all woundy from these razzings, but being male is about being a competitor -- ultimately for women -- down to the smallest scale. As one sperm taunted the other, "You swim like you expect to end up in an old tube sock."

The power of your buddies' mockery isn't surprising, considering the finding by UCLA's Matthew Lieberman and Naomi Eisenberger that our brains react to social pain in much the same way they do to physical pain. This makes sense, as we are a social species and, early on, our survival may have depended on what other people thought of us. But there's being aware of people's remarks and there's letting them drive you like a joystick. Also, the way to pretty much ensure that guys keep ripping on you is showing that you're vulnerable to it, like by dumping your hot mama girlfriend so you don't stick out from the pack. Remember, "age is just a number" -- like zero, the amount of sex many of them are having and would probably like to see you having, too.

There's this girl in my social circle I'd wanted to ask out for a while. Two months ago, I finally got up the nerve, but she politely declined, saying she wasn't "ready to date yet" after her last relationship. Since then, she's started dating some other guy, and their pictures are all over Facebook. I unfollowed her from my News Feed, but I still see her with this guy in friends' photos. Would it be completely petty to unfriend her? I feel like that would make me look even more jilted and bitter. And I still have to see her at parties and stuff.

--Grim

Facebook is complicated. Sure, there are privacy settings and other controls, but these tend to be more porous than the U.S.-Mexican border. In fact, there's only one surefire way to avoid seeing somebody in your News Feed, and that's covering your computer screen with duct tape.

Unfortunately, this won't help you at parties or the supermarket, since you can only unfriend somebody; you can't unexist them. Well, not without the possibility of life in prison. But take a step back. You're feeling "jilted and bitter"? A woman you asked out left you in limbo; she didn't make a run for it while you were standing together at the altar. She also didn't wrong you by saying she wasn't "ready to date yet." Maybe that was the truth at the time; maybe she won't be ready to date you ever. A person you ask out doesn't owe you complete honesty -- well, except on whether they'll open the door and come out when you swing by on Friday night or stockpile weapons and barricade themselves in their house.

Chances are, you wouldn't be so Mr. Resentypants if you hadn't pined after this girl for eons and "finally" asked her out. Turning her into a months-long project for your ego made getting a "yes" from her way too important. You probably did this because you're rejection-avoidant. This isn't to say the rest of us are all, "Yay, rejection. More, please." But that sort of attitude -- constantly flipping the bird at your fears and taking social risks -- is how you get okay enough with rejection to live your life like you'll be dead soon instead of like you're dead now.

Getting comfortable in Rejectionville is easier if your self-worth comes from the inside. This is something you may need to work toward. But even if you can't immediately stop seeing every rejection as confirmation of your loserhood, you can at least stop acting as if you do. Just reinterpret each rejection as a sign to go after the next woman. (Acknowledge disappointment, lick wounds, move on.) Before long, you should be bouncing back surprisingly fast. You should also find yourself reserving your scorn for the truly deserving, like if you ask a woman whether she'd like to have a drink sometime and her response is, "Sure I would. Here's my address. Leave a bottle of chilled white wine on my doorstep, ring the bell, and run."

I'm a 23-year-old woman who's clueless about how to flirt with a stranger. I'm not really good at small talk, and sometimes I'll see a cute guy at the coffeehouse and wonder later whether I could have sent some signals his way. All my boyfriends have started as friends, so I never really learned this stuff.

-Clueless

Flirting isn't the only way to get a stranger to stop for you -- but it tends to be more socially acceptable than shooting a tranquilizer dart into their neck. Flirting from across a coffee shop is an expert-level maneuver and requires time you may not have if a guy is just running in for a latte. Behavioral science researchers find that it generally takes repeated instances (say, three) of a woman making eye contact with a man and then looking away for him to go, "Wait -- who, me?"

A better bet is moseying over while the guy is at the coffee fixings bar or sitting down at the table next to his and casually saying something. You don't need to be good at small talk -- just small questions. Ask about something. Anything. His antique watch. His haircut. Where the whole milk ran off to. And then, instead of trying to sell him on you, keep asking him about himself. (When you keep a conversation focused on another person, they're more likely to warm to you.) Don't worry if you come off a little nervous or awkward. If a guy's into you, it won't matter. Even if he isn't, he'll probably be pleasantly surprised by your interest, as men who are not movie stars are rarely approached by women who aren't begging for drug money or out on the street after gnawing through their bed restraints.

I'm 30, and I've been married to my sweet, beautiful wife for three years. I am a bartender at a club and have numerous opportunities to cheat dangled in front of me. After coming close on several occasions, I finally told my wife I wasn't happy, and we separated three months ago as a prelude to divorcing. I moved in with a friend and started taking advantage of my new single life. However, it's already getting old. I miss my wife and her intelligence and our connection. How do I start the conversation with her about getting back together?

After several years of marriage, for a lot of couples, pretty much the only way to have hot sex is to do it under an electric blanket.

Ideally, you could have the security of marriage while continuing to pick up sex snacks at the mall food court of bachelorhood. (In a perfect world, Starbucks would also serve free beer.) But back here in the real world, a monogamous relationship demands trade-offs, and the biggie is giving up hot sex for love and constancy. Even couples who keep having sex almost never have it as hot (or as regularly) as they did at the start. There are just certain elements that can't be replaced -- sexual tension and suspense, for example -- once you know for sure that you'll not only be going home with your date but be waking up to them snoring and drooling on your shoulder for the next 50 years.

Part of the problem is the way we view monogamy -- as the inevitable next step after falling in love. It's just assumed that a couple will be sexually faithful for a lifetime; there's typically no discussion of how, exactly, they'll accomplish that or whether they even can. Of course, for many people -- women especially -- there is no acceptable alternative to monogamy. "Open marriage, honey?" Right. You may as well suggest, "You know, I'm thinking we should spend the rest of the afternoon disemboweling squirrels."

Also, many people mistakenly believe that a happy and loving marriage is a magical fidelity wand that wards off the temptation to wander. Infidelity researcher Shirley Glass, in "Not 'Just Friends,'" calls this a "misconception ... not supported by any research," though it is commonly cited on TV and in self-help books as a way to "affair-proof your marriage." What it can end up being is a way to stick blame on the person who got cheated on, as if their saying "I love you" more fervently or keeping the living room better vacuumed could have kept their spouse's underwear from ending up on someone else's spouse's hotel room floor.

Additionally, some people seem to have a biological and psychological profile that makes them more prone to long for the sexual variety pack. One factor in this is being high in what psychologist Marvin Zuckerman calls "sensation seeking" -- craving novel, varied, and intense sensations and experiences and being willing to take risks to get them. Sensation seeking has repeatedly been associated with high testosterone, and men with high testosterone tend to divorce more often and have more sex partners. This isn't to say these factors are an excuse for cheating. ("Biology made me do it!") You ultimately have the ability to make choices -- difficult as that may be in the moment when you're feeling very much like a penis-controlled robot.

Sure, you miss your wife now, but if you get her back, will you start pining for the parade of bar floozies? Testosterone does decline significantly with age, as does sensation seeking, so you may find monogamy more doable at 40 than you do at 30. Assuming your wife, like most women, requires monogamy, what you owe her is honesty about the trouble you have with it so she can decide whether she's willing to put herself in harm's way. If you do get back together, talk about what you (each) need to do to avoid temptation (like, for you, maybe finding a job where you aren't surrounded by hot drunk girls flashing you their thong for free drinks).

This level of honesty is likely to bring you both closer and build trust, making your relationship deeper and stronger. You're ultimately telling your wife that you see there's a world of women out there but what matters most to you is having her -- her beauty, sweetness, and intelligence, and your connection. You now understand that this requires consistent effort. (There's a reason the saying is "relationships take work" and not "flings are like forced labor.") You're committing to doing your part to keep some sparks flying in your marriage -- and not by having her find you in bed with another woman and then chase you around with a Taser.