Tales From The Cryptic
My boyfriend of two years got an early birthday present from his sister and her husband: a really expensive, second-row ticket for a major sporting event next year. The trouble is, it falls on my 30th birthday (a Saturday). He knows I usually don't care about my birthday, and I confess that I also judge people who care about theirs. Still, I can't help but feel that my 30th is a bit of a milestone, and I wanted to spend my birthday weekend together somewhere with my boyfriend. I understand that he doesn't want to seem ungrateful for his sister's gift, and he's courteously told me about this conflict well in advance. Do I need to just get over myself? Or should I raise my concerns?
--Neglected
As a child, I was not one to turn down birthday loot, but around age 8, I developed a sort of jadedness about birthdays that continues to this day. The way I see it, if you are over 12 and not a cancer patient, do we really need to throw you a party and give you prizes for surviving another year?
It seems you communicated some similar thinking to your boyfriend. Bizarrely, he believed you. Yet, apparently out of love and consideration (and perhaps the suspicion men have that all women are at least a little nuts), he let you know a year in advance that hockey or auto racing or whatever's special day coincides with your usually-not-so-special day. What more was he supposed to do -- well, other than travel back in time and ask your mom, "Hey, can you hold the baby in one more week? There'll be a scheduling conflict in 30 years."
Wait...were you expecting him to turn down the ticket? If so, what's that really about? Maybe a recent public service announcement from your ovaries? "Hi, we're also turning 30, as in, it won't be long before we retire, move to the countryside, and take up scrapbooking." You may also be looking for what evolutionary psychologists call a "costly signal" -- some show of commitment requiring such a big outlay of money, effort, or forgone opportunity that it's likely to be sincere. (In the absence of a proposal and a diamond, maybe it seems the least he could do is light that ticket on fire.)
If you do want more from the relationship, you may be able to get it, but expecting a man to read your thoughts is like expecting your dog to understand algebra. Tell your boyfriend you're feeling sensitive about your birthday, your future, or whatever else, and you'll at least find out where you stand. Assuming you get the reassurance you need, maybe you can do the loving thing and put your partner's interests up there in importance with your own, perhaps by celebrating your birthday the weekend before the actual day. You might also try to get in the habit of using spoken-word communication -- fun as it can be to surprise a man with a game of naked charades, aka "Guess what I'm thinking when I weep inconsolably during sex!"
Wouldn't it be cool if you could travel to the area of the sporting event together and while he went to the game, you spent the time being pampered and then you could go somewhere special together. How fun to look hot and turn heads on your birthday. At 30, you probably look the best you will ever look in your life and you can now afford decent clothes. Enjoy!
Jen at August 12, 2014 9:25 PM
Wait, Jen, a rational compromise and forgoing beating the male into emotional submission?
I dont think thats allowed
lujlp at August 12, 2014 9:52 PM
Totally agree with Jen! We have a winnah!
Flynne at August 13, 2014 3:41 AM
Dissecting the letter, just a little:
I understand that he doesn't want to seem ungrateful for his sister's gift, and he's courteously told me about this conflict well in advance.
I doubt he's even remotely ungrateful for his sister's gift. And since the boyfriend warned the LW in advance, the time to pout about it is long past.
Do I need to just get over myself? Or should I raise my concerns?
See previous comment -- that time is past. But I agree with Flynne agreeing with Jen. There are ways to make this a win-win.
But I do have one other question: Did the boyfriend's sister get a pair of tickets, or only one? If it was only one, is there any kind of subtext we should be looking for?
I wonder what sporting event it was?
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at August 13, 2014 4:51 AM
Sounds to me like the LW has constructed an elaborate romantic fantasy about getting a proposal and a shiny ring for her 30th. Clearly, this is not going to happen. As Amy says, this is less about the birthday and more about the relationship status. The fact that his sister didn't invite you along is a sign that maybe she knows something you don't.
LW, if you want to know where you stand have the conversation! Don't play mind games to try figure out what he is thinking. Although, if after two years together there has been no movement forward in your relationship there probably won't be. At your age, if you want to settle down and have a family, you might need to find someone similarly oriented. Good luck.
On the outside chance that this is just about the birthday, then I am with Jen. Go and have a good time and celebrate around the birthday.
Sheep Mom at August 13, 2014 5:31 AM
OMG, is that birthday so important that she expects her bf to pass on his event so they can go to Cancun and stare romantically into each other's eyes? Apparently she's willing to jeopardize the relationship for it.
If I'm the bf, I see her for what she is; immature, inflexible and self-centered.
Metal Guru at August 13, 2014 5:53 AM
LW, I don't celebrate my birthday either, and I TOTALLY judge adults who expect everyone to make a Big Deal out of theirs. But you have to be consistent with that outlook. You can't judge people for wanting special bday treatment and then expect your boyfriend to burn the ticket because the event falls on your bday.
I admit, I might be annoyed in your shoes. And I would hope my boyfriend would say something to the effect of, "Oh no! The event is on your birthday. Let me make it up to you Friday night/Sunday during the day."
Combine Amy's advice with Jen's advice up-thread, and you've got your game plan.
sofar at August 13, 2014 7:45 AM
"But I do have one other question: Did the boyfriend's sister get a pair of tickets, or only one? If it was only one, is there any kind of subtext we should be looking for?" - Old RPM Daddy
I was also about to ask this questiong, but then I read the letter a little more carefully. It says he received "a" ticket. A "really expensive" ticket. It seems like they were able to score a single spare seat and could not afford to get two seats that great together. So even though his sister and brother-in-law were aware that he had a girlfriend at the time, they decided to give him a gift that only he could enjoy himself. I'd like to think that if they'd known it was on the same day as her 30th birthday, they would have gotten him something else.
Fayd at August 13, 2014 9:14 AM
And I would hope my boyfriend would say something to the effect of, "Oh no! The event is on your birthday.
He did say that, almost a whole year in advance
lujlp at August 13, 2014 12:52 PM
He did say that, almost a whole year in advance.
You left off the end of my sentence in your quote. :) He warned her of the conflict, sure, but did he also say "Let's do something Friday night/Sunday."?
For me that second part would be the important part.
If he did make her a counter offer, then maybe she's being a bit of a drama queen. If he didn't, well then I can understand why she has a case of the sadz.
sofar at August 13, 2014 1:41 PM
Maybe Amy could find out the boyfriends name and warn him that he needs to kick her to the curb. She is keeping her emotional insecurities hidden until he has a child with him and they will all come out like a Jack-In-The-Box from hell.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0ZHQPEXnn0
David H at August 13, 2014 10:33 PM
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