My boyfriend and I are spending Christmas with his family. I like them and get along well with them. However, they're very religious, and he wants me to join them in going to holiday church services. I grew up secular in a conservative town, and because of all I went through, I developed a deep distaste for religion. His family knows I'm an atheist but doesn't know the extent of my aversion to religion. I explained to my boyfriend that the idea of sitting through church and going through the motions, given how I feel about religion, is downright upsetting to me. Though he's no longer religious, he doesn't share my aversion, and he insists I go out of respect for him and his family. Should I just go and grin and bear it as a favor to him?
--I'm (Not) A Believer
It's Jesus' birthday, but seeing as you guys aren't that close, you figured he wouldn't mind if you skipped it.
Believe it or not, this isn't the first time religion has caused tension in the world. And sure, there's something to be said for doing things you aren't exactly into to please your partner. However, going to somebody's religious service as an atheist who's seriously upset by religion isn't quite the same as "grinning and bearing it" at the opera. You probably aren't opposed to Verdi on principle, and it's unlikely to call up childhood memories like "My mommy says your mommy is in bed with the devil" and fun neighborhood games like "Burn The Little Heathen At The Stake."
The problem started when your boyfriend decided that you just had to go and used the "respect!" argument to try to guilt you into giving in. This is low-blow, crush-the-competition arguing. (What can you even counter with -- "Nah, I don't want to show respect for your parents!"?) Of course, when two people partner up, there will always be disagreements. But in a relationship, winning really isn't everything. Having a difference of opinion without trying to do to your partner what Hitler did to Poland, that's everything.
We can understand this intellectually. The problem is, we're all essentially large, bratty children. We want what we want when we want it, and we want Miss Perkins to turn around so we can hit little Jason over the head with a toy truck until he gives it to us. Behavioral economist Daniel Kahneman explains in Thinking, Fast and Slow
When you find yourselves at odds, instead of hammering each other with what you want, explain why you want it; lay out the emotions behind it. Focusing on each other's feelings -- truly focusing, not just pretending to listen until you can get back to selling your points -- should lead you to be moved by each other's fears or distress. This, in turn, should inspire a more compassionate and constructive response. For example, if instead of telling you "You have to go with us to church!" your boyfriend says something like "I just want my family to like you," his push to get you into a pew sounds more like something he's trying to do for you than to you. This allows you to respond lovingly to him, reassuring him that his family already likes you (despite not quite understanding your blase attitude toward burning in hell for all eternity).
For this mode of conflict management to work, you have to accept that some differences just can't be bridged. Still, discussing them in a way that makes you both feel respected and understood should at least leave you feeling good about each other and the relationship. In this situation, the reality is, your being a nonbeliever could ultimately be a big problem for his parents. But you show your respect by acting respectful to them -- maybe welcoming them back from Mass with a punchbowl of your famous eggnog -- not by disrespecting your own beliefs and going to church "just this once," which sets a bad precedent. If all goes well, they'll just accept your choices. Otherwise, you may have to resign yourself to spending Christmas week in bed -- tied to it, while Granny and the dog assist the priest who's performing the exorcism on you.
Is it okay to keep your income a secret from someone you're dating? I recently started seeing a girl I work with (at an advertising company). She believes women at our company get paid less on average, and I suspect she's right. Yesterday she came right out and asked me how much I make. I'm pretty sure I'm the highest-paid person on our team, but her question made me really uncomfortable, and I told her I make a lot less than I actually do. I felt bad lying to a woman I could get serious with, but I don't want her or other co-workers knowing my salary.
--Johnny Paycheck Privacy
It's normal to keep some personal information secret from the person you're dating - like your exact income or the fact that you belt out Lynyrd Skynyrd in the car every day on your way to work.
Unfortunately, your girlfriend decided it was time to bridge the gap between conversation and colonoscopy. She snookered you into going along by asking you point-blank how much you make. This is really rude -- on the level of yelling across the office, "Hey, Steve, ya still got that weird rash on your balls?" Because of that, it catches a person off guard, leading to a reaction like yours -- stammering out an answer, but not the one the prying person actually deserves: some version of "Up your butt with a coconut."
Maybe she doesn't believe you're entitled to boundaries in a relationship, or maybe she decided she could erase yours for a good cause. And sure, you, like most people, probably want the person you're with to really know you. But really knowing the person you're dating means understanding their hopes and dreams, not having the same information you'd get if you duct-taped yourself to the awning of the ATM just before they deposited their paycheck.
Beyond one of the biggest problems with lying -- the tendency to get caught -- by not standing up for your right to keep select areas of your life private, you're paving the way for future info-hooverings. To dial back your privacy settings, tell her you only revealed your salary because you were so unprepared for her to ask about it. Request that she keep a lid on it, and let her know the boundaries that work for you -- like that the woman in your life has a right to know how much you make when you're sharing a checking account, not a cubicle.
You don't have to turn your pay stub drawer into a petting zoo to show her you care about her concerns. You could offer to help her come up with tactics for negotiating a raise. Keep in mind that research shows that women tend to take the salary, raises, and opportunities they're offered instead of trying to negotiate for more. A book you might get her is "Ask for It: How Women Can Use the Power of Negotiation to Get What They Really Want," by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever. Finally, prepare yourself for being put on the spot by her or anyone with what I call "The Power of Not Right Now" -- recognizing that you can decline to answer a person's question right then and there (perhaps with the exception of inquiries like "You gonna give me your wallet, or do I have to gut you with this rusty screwdriver?").
The girl I'm dating wears hair extensions, and feeling them creeps me out. She's very pretty, and her hair is lovely without the extensions. Can I tell her they make me uncomfortable?
--Mr. Natural
When you're running your hand through your girlfriend's hair and a bunch comes out in your palm, it can be hard to keep straight whether you're making out or snaking the shower drain.
Your girlfriend joins an increasing number of women in planting non-native foliage in her hairgarden, probably because men tend to be attracted to long, lush hair. It's actually an evolutionary sign of good health. (Hair suffers when a person eats poorly or has a disease.) Because complaints are most productive when reconstituted as compliments, start by telling your girlfriend she's a natural beauty (as opposed to "If I wanted a girlfriend with interchangeable hair, I'd date Mrs. Potato Head"). Add that you'd love to run your hands through her real hair, and ask whether she'd consider going without the extensions. If she agrees, be sure you effuse when she's hair naturelle so she's inspired to keep it up. All in all, a little mystery is a good thing in a relationship, but it's best if you're wondering whether your girlfriend got her pretty hair from her mother and not suspecting she hired somebody to take a big scissors to Seabiscuit's tail.
My roommate's girlfriend is unemployed and just hangs around our place all week, even when he's at work. (She has her own place but is never there.) She's very wasteful with our utilities. Yesterday, after work, I found her in the living room watching TV with the air conditioning on full blast -- even though she also had all the windows open and, for some reason, had turned on our gas fireplace! When I muttered something to my roommate about her kicking in for utilities, he retorted that my girlfriend isn't paying any extra. Well, she is here a night or two a week, has a job, and doesn't run up our electric bill.
--Feeling Scammed
You need to establish a new house rule: "Residents and their guests can experience only one climate at a time."
Your problem started with going into a roommate situation without rules -- without a written document spelling out how things would work between you and how they'd work if something weren't working. Signing a roommate contract (like this example from Nolo's "Every Tenant's Legal Guide": bit.ly/roommatecontract) might sound unnecessarily formal. However, it's wise to do whenever you're rooming with anything more animated than a cactus. Remember, to be human is to be annoying -- like, for example, by letting another human move in and cause climate change in your living room.
The fair thing is to get Jackie Brownout to start forking over for the utilities -- before it occurs to her to run the dryer all night because the white noise helps her sleep. But the fair thing isn't always the smartest thing. Consider what this is costing you -- and what it could cost you. Compare bills from the previous year to get an idea of how much she's actually sending the bill up. No, putting every power source in the house on full blast isn't free, but her usage probably doesn't add more than $10 or $20 to your monthly bill. And no, it isn't fair that you're paying half of that. However, getting into this with your roommate might lead to your putting the $10 or so you'd be saving on moocher energy charges toward doughnuts for the movers you'd be paying hundreds of dollars to haul your stuff to storage until you could find your next apartment.
If you decide it would eat away at you too much to be paying for her, say something to your roommate, but in a mellow way, over a beer. Tell him you really like his girlfriend (because diplomacy, not truth, is life's little lubricant). As far as you're concerned, she's welcome to stay over as much as she wants, but you'd like a new house policy: Girlfriends who stay over four or more days a week need to kick in for utilities. Stress that this applies to your girlfriend, as well, and add that the particular roommate, not the girlfriend, should be responsible for the payment. The last thing you need is to be going all collection agent on this woman -- preferable as it might be to asking her to cut to the chase and heat the house by burning stacks of your money on the coffee table.
This girl I'm dating is truly great -- except for how she is into astrology, buys me crystals to improve my "energy," and keeps sitting me down for tarot card readings. As we get more serious, I feel like telling her I don't believe in any of this. But I think she actually believes in this stuff and would be hurt if I came clean.
--Rationally Based
Somehow, people who find it perfectly reasonable to ask a deck of cards whether they should invest in a 401(k) will sneer at you for asking a mailbox for directions to the movie theater. The question is, as a guy who tries to live rationally, can you respect a woman who probably reads books like "The Healing Power of Pebbles" and "How to Ask the Universe for a Pony"? (Without respect, you have contempt, which researcher John Gottman finds is the number one killer of relationships.)
Figure out whether you can compartmentalize -- focus on what you love and shrug off her planning her day based around whether she sees a sign in her toast. If you stay together, gently explain that you appreciate how sweet she is in wanting to help you but that you really don't believe in all this stuff. Over time, if you let her see your thought process but don't hammer her with it, she may come around to the merits of evidence-based beliefs. In the meantime, do your best to be polite when she introduces you to her relatives -- all her relatives, ever. (Are you free for a seance Friday night?)
You printed a letter from a guy who doesn't want to be a father and wanted to know how to be sure his girlfriend is on birth control. You said, "The single worst form of birth control is trusting that a woman ... longing for a baby" is taking hers (with whether she's ethical being a "mitigating factor"). But you forgot to tell him the magic word -- abstinence! In addition to preventing pregnancy, it also guarantees that you won't get STDs or suffer the physically or psychologically damaging effects of premarital sex. Also, where'd you get the idea that women are conniving to get a bun in the oven without informing their partner? Right, we're all baby-hungry, unethical hopeful breeders.
--Saved Myself
I like to offer "Don't have sex!" as a form of practical advice -- usually just as I'm getting into my flying car.
Yes, abstaining from sex will help a person avoid producing offspring, getting STDs, or breaking a leg after somebody cheaps out on the home dungeon installation. But there's a reason they call it a sex drive, not a sex parked in the garage. Also, the advice "Just don't have sex!" is especially impractical for guys in their hornitoadinous early 20s like the guy who wrote that letter. Sure, he'll just sit his 800-pound libido down for a little chat and then politely decline any opportunity to have sex as if he'd just been offered some questionable hors d'oeuvre.
As for where I got the idea about (some) women "conniving to get a bun in the oven without informing their partner," well, in email I've received from dismayed men paying child support to these women and from research by therapist Dr. Melinda Spohn. Spohn found that more than a third of the 400 women she surveyed at two community colleges had risked pregnancy -- surreptitiously going without birth control or sporadically using it when they had sex with men with desirable qualities (like an apparent willingness to commit and good financial prospects).
On a positive note, it isn't only men who are appalled by this behavior. A female reader who wanted a second child but whose husband wasn't up for it wrote, "I can't even remember how many people heard this and said 'well, accidents happen,' followed by a *wink wink.* Seriously, it's disgusting! Even our family doctor said this! I've always been sure to make those people feel about two inches tall by saying that I would NEVER do that to my husband (and honestly, who wants a child this way?!)."
This woman's ethics are the single best guarantee a man has that birth control will be used instead of dropped behind the bed. Meanwhile, many people will tell you they value ethics and then just cross their fingers and hope their partner has them. The thing to do is to make ethics a requirement, meaning looking for a partner to be OMG ethical!!! the way you look for them to be OMG hot!!! In other words, yes, a man who doesn't want a child should practice abstinence -- the practical, doable kind: abstaining from getting into bed with any woman until he's observed that he has reason to trust her. (If he wants something loud, sticky, and expensive in his life, he can buy a Ferrari and drive it over chewed gum.)
My girlfriend bought me a digital camera for my birthday. Unfortunately, the one she got me lacked some features I wanted, so I returned it to the store, got the camera I wanted, and paid the difference. When I told her this, I think she was offended. Did I screw up?
--Photo-Bombed
When people say about gift-giving "it's the thought that counts," they don't mean the recipient's thought, "Did you find this in the trash?"
Yes, you screwed up -- not by ultimately getting the camera you need but by making the one she gave you disappear like a witness about to testify against a drug lord. Turning the gift your partner gave you into the gift you want should be a three-step process. First, there's the effusing -- no matter how uneffusive you feel: "Wow, bat excrement!" Then there's the waiting. One day, maybe two days. And finally..."I just love my camera, honey. But there's another one that has this feature I really need -- this camera-nerd thing you couldn't have known about. Would you come with me to check it out?" By keeping her involved, the camera you upgrade to becomes, essentially, Son of Camera that she gave you. By the way, that's how you should start talking about your new camera, and fast, before you find yourself using it to take a series of forlorn all-by-myselfies to post on your soon-to-be-live Tinder profile.
