Man Of Squeal
My brother has had a crush on this woman for a long time, but somehow the timing never worked out for them to date. A few months ago, I ran into her at a party. One thing led to another, and we ended up hooking up. Now my brother and this woman are finally giving it a go. He and I really don't have secrets from each other, so this is weighing on me, and I feel like I should tell him.
--Need To Disclose
Having sex with a woman isn't like the moon landing. There's really no need to put the word out about who got there first. In general, when you lay a piece of information on someone, it should benefit them in some way. In this case, it would be one thing if you had important supplemental information to disclose, such as "sex with this woman is best followed up with a penicillin nightcap." But the disclosure you're looking to make simply self-serves a purpose -- for you to get a load off your chest by immediately transferring it to your brother's. What's done cannot be undone, and though some men can shrug off the sex their girlfriend had with some guy before they were dating, not all can, and it's especially hard when "some guy" is one they'll be seeing at every family gathering for the next 70-some years. Sure, as the saying goes, "information wants to be free." But as with a Great Dane in heat, that doesn't mean you should just open the gate and let it out...so it can make sweet feverish love to everything in the neighborhood, starting with the neighbor's Mini Cooper.
No, no, not the mini cooper!!!
nico@ver at February 4, 2015 12:05 AM
I agree, especially if you love your brother, keep your mouth shut. He may have a chance at a good relationship here. If you let this secret out you could easily destroy his chance at a good relationship with his crush. And just for a meaningless hookup. (Unless it wasn't so meaningless?) ... Just DON'T DO IT AGAIN, lol.
Lobster at February 4, 2015 1:55 AM
Who benefits? Your ego. Who is harmed? Your brother, the girl, and your family. Gee, what to do.
MarkD at February 4, 2015 6:23 AM
"In general, when you lay a piece..."
I really thought this sentence was going to go a different way, too bad.
bkmale at February 4, 2015 7:14 AM
Personally, I would want to know if a woman I was going to date had relations with my brother. I would need to digest the information and determine if that is going to bother me before things get too serious with the woman. I may decide to continue with the relationship, but I would not be angry at my brother if he's upfront about it. Also, keep in mind that while the brother may be able to keep the secret, the news could pop out of the woman's mouth if she gets a little too tipsy. I would definitely hate to find out that way.
Fayd at February 4, 2015 8:43 AM
Idk about that advice. If I made it to the alter with my coveted crush, only to find out after my sis had too many drinkies, that they had sex, it would feel more like a betrayal. It could be ugly and possibly ruin a chance at romance, but wouldn't that be my right to decide beforehand? Just saying, it's not like it's a friend I occasionally see.
yolabubbles at February 4, 2015 11:47 AM
I am having a difficult time seeing how the following statements can both be true at the same time:
"In general, when you lay a piece of information on someone, it should benefit them in some way."
And:
"though some men can shrug off the sex their girlfriend had with some guy before they were dating, not all can, and it's especially hard when "some guy" is one they'll be seeing at every family gathering for the next 70-some years."
I fully agree with the first statement. What I don't agree with is how one can make the second statement AFTER declaring that the only purpose to tell him is "self-serving".
The reason it isn't necessarily a "self-serving" bit of information sharing is precisely because this guy *might* have some misgivings about starting a relationship with a woman who had sex with his brother.
What is being argued here is that his own preferences shouldn't matter and the secret should be kept so that he will enter into any potential relationship under a false set of background information.
This really isn't so different when people argue that men shouldn't be told if their girlfriends/wives cheated on them and that a child *might* not be biologically theirs... just let them live in the dark... they'll be happier that way.
Of course that happiness all comes shattering around them if the truth ever gets revealed later on and then there is a great degree of resentment for how things transpired.
The only reason the LW shouldn't tell his brother is if he knows for absolute certain that he is only interested in a short term relationship instead of something more serious.
A dangerous game is being played here by keeping this secret.
Artemis at February 4, 2015 12:22 PM
What about talking to the woman and asking her if she plans to tell him? For all the letter writer knows, she already has and his brother has decided to not mention it. I think Amy's advice is right, except if I were in his position, I'd be worried about the woman and my brother getting into a fight and her blurting out - turning ME into the bad guy for not saying anything.
Personally, I'd want to check in with her and see if this is a take-it-to-the-grave secret or one that she's having a hard time keeping quiet.
CmdrBna at February 5, 2015 6:31 AM
Oh gross I actually agree with Artemis.
Ppen at February 6, 2015 7:39 AM
He and I really don't have secrets from each other, so this is weighing on me, and I feel like I should tell him.
If you're his sister, I'd recommended telling him. It would probably turn him on.
JD at February 6, 2015 1:38 PM
I got involved years ago with my kid bro's gorgeous former classmate. I discovered for him what a trainwreck she'd become.
The sex was pretty so-so, btw.
jefe at February 6, 2015 2:06 PM
Ppen,
You were bound to get something correct eventually.
Artemis at February 6, 2015 3:02 PM
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