Do I Look Infatuated In This?
Is there anything inherently bad about getting into a serious relationship quickly? I met this guy about a month ago. We hit it off instantly, became boyfriend and girlfriend two weeks later, and have been dropping I-love-yous. It all feels pretty great; I don't have a history of poor relationship judgment; and I wasn't desperate or even looking for a new partner. However, popular opinion seems to run against getting involved so fast. Your thoughts?
--Speedy
Ah, yes...your love is like a summer's day -- if a summer's day chased its lemonade with two Red Bulls and a five-shot latte.
It's easy for you to assume you're in your right mind, just because you haven't started throwing peanuts at people in the park while debating abortion with a squirrel. But there are three stages of love: the "falling in it" stage, the "figuring out how it'll work" stage, and finally, the "you're the one!" commitment stage. You're in the starting days of the "falling in it" stage -- getting hit by rushing hormones and neurotransmitters -- which is to say that you're chemically dazed. Which is to say that making any sort of decision about what you two have is like getting really high and going off to sign papers for a bank loan.
In fact, according to research by psychiatry professor Donatella Marazziti, it's likely that right now, you and this guy are each chemically different people -- and thus behaviorally different people -- than you will be once the chemical storm dies down. Marazziti found significant shifts in testosterone levels in both men and women who'd recently fallen in love. Compared with single people and people who'd been in relationships awhile, women newly in love had elevated testosterone, likely making them more sexually tigress-y, while the T levels of men newly in love dropped, likely making them more gooey and emotional -- to the point where even a Navy SEAL might start sounding like a Valentine's Day card.
How long the biochemical inebriation lasts varies, but Marazziti's research suggests that couples are pretty much out of the falling in love daze a year to two years later. It's only then -- once you sober up -- that you find out what you actually have together.
The kind of love that sticks around is not just a feeling but a feeling that inspires loving action. As novelist Marlon James, quoting a former lover, put it: "Love isn't saying 'I love you' but calling to say, 'Did you eat?'" Love that lasts should also inspire a sort of loving inaction -- loving the person enough that you don't hate them for all the ways they turn out to be a total idiot: how they can't seem to understand that pee goes in the big white porcelain thing, not on the floor; that those gross phlegm-clearing sounds are not a mating call; and that socks left on the bedroom rug will not grow tiny legs, crawl up the hamper, and fling themselves in.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? A mass of hot air, reeking of sweat and flies...
Good advice, but I'm a surprised to learn that the chemical infatuation can take a whole year or two to die down. Wow. That's a long time to find out if you're really compatible.
Patrick at October 27, 2015 6:08 PM
As David Deangelo says, "Attraction is not a choice; it is a powerful physical and emotional RESPONSE." Attraction can be addictive, also. He adds "A woman does not FEEL ATTRACTION for a man who makes THINK; a woman FEELS ATTRACTION for a man who makes her FEEL." I'll add, that it often doesn't matter if the feeling is good or bad, it simply must BE. That's a criticism on the empty, feeling-less lives women seem to adopt.
It's well known that many people (women especially!) make up their minds about a potential mate within five minutes, if not seconds, of meeting. It does a lot to explain why so many (women, especially!) make such abysmal bad choices in mates... choices they refuse to back away from.
jefe at October 27, 2015 7:57 PM
As I have been saying for years, on this board, this goes to what is wrong with the late American 20th century ideal of forming lasting partnerships based on a wild initial sexual attraction. (I.e. romance)
It is what is wrong with hetro marriage, and it is what is wrong with *same sex marriage*.
If you are not getting married to provide a stable social structure for children, parents and elderly relatives, there is no reason to get married at all.
By all means have your flags. But don't marry anyone you wouldn't trust to take care of your dog, cat, 90 year old mother, or open a joint bank account with.
Isab at October 28, 2015 7:42 AM
My boyfriend of 7 years and I got serious very quickly, by many standards. But we didn't say "I love you" until well over a year in.
A month in seems too soon for "I love you," to me. As Amy says, you may feel what feels like "love." But it's the "you" part that's the problem. How can you say you love someone when you haven't met who they really are yet? And no, at 1 month in, you don't have the full picture of their personality.
sofar at October 28, 2015 7:50 AM
This makes sense to me! It seems like that 1-2 year mark is when you finally start seeing them act like a douche to the waiter or a prince when no one's watching. That facade drops and you figure out how they behave when they're sick and throwing up and whether or not they can balance their own checkbook. I didn't realize it was related to all the hormones, but it makes sense.
gooseegg at October 28, 2015 10:19 AM
this goes to what is wrong with the late American 20th century ideal of forming lasting partnerships based on a wild initial sexual attraction. (I.e. romance)
Late 20th? Seems to me the idea goes back at least a hundred years before that, if not more.
Rex Little at October 31, 2015 7:53 AM
20th? Seems to me the idea goes back at least a hundred years before that, if not more.
Posted by: Rex Little at October 31, 2015 7:53 AM
Not really, dating strangers as opposed to close friends of the family really didn't start until the age of the ubiquitous automobile. World War II brought a number of people displaced geographically together which meant that,people who never got out of Little Rock, for instance were working, and meeting service men and women in San Francisco,
Yes, there were love matches, But until World War II, eloping, and running off to together was generally only an option for the very rich, who usually married within their class.
Most people married family friends, neighbors, and fellow members of their church, and synagogues for a very good reason.
Social and family compatibility.
Ergo, in my opinion, part of the reason for the rising divorce rate after World War II, women with money, and options, and lack of family support.
Isab at November 1, 2015 6:11 PM
I told my 6th grade students that respect is more important than love. It does not matter how hot you are for them, or how hot they seem to you, If you do not admire and respect them, and they you, back off.
ken at November 1, 2015 7:42 PM
Makes me recall that scene of John Huston's character in Captain Corelli's Mandolin. “Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
― Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin
MarieMarie at November 4, 2015 5:02 AM
I'm torn - I was to the "I love you" stage within a month or so with a young lady once, and we've been married for 26 years and have five kids. However, I think we're the exception, not the rule, and I'd probably advise LW not to take on any large joint obligations for awhile.
Grey Ghost at November 4, 2015 7:10 AM
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