I've started dating a guy that an estranged friend of mine was engaged to and dumped 25 years ago. She completely broke his heart. She's been engaged eight times, married five, so I hardly think he was special. But some of my girlfriends think it's not cool and say I'm breaking "girl code." Am I betraying her?
--In A Quandary
When you put your old couch out on the curb, you don't get to make a bunch of restrictions about who can pick it up: "Free sofa!* *Except for that hussy Linda and her nasty sisters."
It is cruel to take up with a guy who's just dumped and devastated a friend of yours. But this woman is your ex-friend, and it isn't like she's lying in the dark, weeping over a sock he left at her place. In fact, they were engaged 25 years ago, and she dumped him. Yet, here you are, having "girl code" invoked on you.
"Girl code," like "guy code," is a deterrent to would-be mate poachers, powered by peer pressure. However, girl code tends to play out differently from guy code. Psychologist Joyce Benenson, who researches evolved sex differences, finds that males, from early childhood on, are verbally and physically direct with one another in a way girls and women are not: "Bro, that's my girlfriend you just dissed. You're gonna need directions to the ER."
Women, on the other hand, are covert competitors, undermining rather than openly attacking their female rivals. Benenson and other researchers believe this strategy evolved so women could avoid physical violence, which could harm their reproductive parts or leave them incapable of fulfilling their role as their children's primary caretaker.
Women instead use sabotaging tactics like informational warfare -- the threat of reputation-destroying gossip -- and social exclusion. Referencing "girl code" is part of this, revving up a woman's fears of being ostracized and creating a virtual moat around a man.
Unlike in the male world of "Fight Club," where the rules are clear -- "The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club" -- the rules of girl code are nebulous, unspoken. Because women compete in sneaky and undermining ways, this nebulousness makes potential transgressions of girl code more dangerous and powerful.
So in deciding whether to continue with this guy, you should understand that there could be real costs for you for being thought to have violated girl code. Can you weather those costs? Is it worth it to continue with this guy? Focus not on what's fair but on what's realistic. Some women will talk trash about you -- and never mind the fact that the guy was dumped decades ago by a woman who swaps out her husbands more often than most of us replace the kitchen sponge.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I'm a 32-year-old woman, and I went on one date with a guy I'd been talking to online. We have texted some since our date but haven't made solid plans to hang again. Basically, he'll text me and we'll chat, and then I won't hear from him for a week. The waiting is making me really obsessive. I find myself constantly wanting to text him. I know I shouldn't chase him, but the urge is so strong. What's going on?
--Disturbed
Sometimes, when two people get engaged, the intended groom is the last to know. The guy asks you, "So, whatcha up to Saturday? Wanna grab a coffee?" And you're like, "I thought we'd have an afternoon wedding. But coffee's fine, too."
It should help to understand that this sort of crazy -- the intense desire to text him -- doesn't come out of some magical, vine-covered mental love fountain within you. In fact, there's nothing romantic about it. It's just the mechanics of our human motivational system, which works like a machine. Russian psychologist and psychiatrist Bluma Zeigarnik discovered that just as pressure in a machine builds up and needs to be released, tasks we've left incomplete seem to cause emotional tension -- seriously uncomfortable feelings, a sort of mental itching. This motivates us to do the thing we've left undone so we can stop feeling so unsettled.
So, sure, you like the guy, but one date in, you're dying to text him not because he's "the one" but because you're suffering through what I like to describe as the emotional version of a really bad need to pee. Reminding yourself that it's just psychological hydraulics might help you weather the discomfort of not texting and then be all cool when the guy eventually calls: "Jason? Jason who? ... Oh, right! Heyyy! Hold on a sec," you say, as you descend the ladder and put down the glue roller you've been using to wallpaper your bedroom ceiling with huge blown-up photos of his face.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I've been with my boyfriend for nine years, and I'm still pissed off about stuff from like five years ago. I don't know how I remember this stuff when I can't find my keys half the time. I'd like to get rid of these resentments and not keep bringing them up. I know it's not healthy for me or our relationship, but I don't know how to let them go.
--Stuck
So, basically, this is you: "I wish they allowed dogs in my building, but no biggie. I'll take this thing you did in 2006 and make it my special pet. I'll feed it raw food and buy it artisanally made toys and take it around in a stroller."
On the other end of the spectrum from endlessly reprosecuting relationship misdemeanors is forgiveness. Evolutionary psychologist Michael McCullough explains in "Beyond Revenge" that "forgiveness is an internal process of getting over your ill will" for somebody who's wronged you and then "experiencing a return of goodwill" and "opening yourself up to the possibility of a renewed positive relationship" with the person.
Forgiveness appears to have evolved to preserve valuable relationships we have with others, but it seems contingent on our not being made repeated patsies, meaning we need to see that the offender won't just trample our interests again.
In line with this, research by social psychologist Ian Williamson and his colleagues finds that a reluctance to forgive can come out fear, including concerns by the victim "about how offenders will interpret forgiveness." Basically, there's a worry that forgiving the perp could send a message that it's open season for repeat offending.
Consider whether there's reason to believe your boyfriend doesn't have your best interests in mind. If you stack up his behavior toward you, does it suggest he doesn't care about you? If this is old stuff and he isn't repeating the behavior, maybe it serves you best to decide to let it go. McCullough notes that a "lack of forgiveness for close, valuable relationship partners who harmed us in the past is associated with more anxiety, tension, and physiological arousal." McCullough goes cute, writing: "Know forgiveness, know peace. No forgiveness, no peace."
If you feel your boyfriend's a good guy but needs of yours aren't being met, bring this out, talk to him about it. That could improve things, or you could decide to leave if things don't change sufficiently. That said, his changing may take more than one discussion, or at least a few reminders to get the gears of new and improved behavior grinding into action.
If you see he's making an effort, maybe cut him some slack. Laugh at his human fallibility instead of taking it personally when he again leaves his toenail clippings in a tiny pile on the bathroom floor, as if they'll magically float over to the trash can and fling themselves over the rim: "Goodbye cruel world!"
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I've been dating a guy for just over a month. He's asked me to go with him to an out-of-state wedding (across the country) several weeks from now, but he didn't mention buying me a plane ticket. I think he should buy it because he invited me. Am I expecting too much?
--Unsure
Chances are he doesn't expect you to mail yourself in a really big crate or saddle up Hortense the limping mule and meet him there -- just in time for the divorce party.
Should you pick up the tab for your ticket? I don't think so -- and not just because the guy invited you as his guest. Destination weddings in exotic places (or simply faraway weddings in dull and unglamorous locales) are not vacations. They are social obligations, big life events that are reinforced by the presence of witnesses.
Having the community as an "audience" to a marriage ceremony is thought by Matthijs Kalmijn and other sociologists to help reinforce a couple's lifelong commitment. The ceremony is typically followed by an open bar, some fancy grub, and a Beyonce cover band so the wedding is attended by more than the bride and groom's teary-eyed relatives and a homeless guy who snuck in looking for free hooch.
Don't let this question fester in your mind to the point that you're tempted to snarl at the guy, "Hey, tightwad, you planning to pay for my ticket or what?!" Ask right away, something like: "What's the transportation situation? How are we getting to the wedding?" Assuming he doesn't generally seem weirdly stingy, there's a good chance he's planning to buy your ticket but didn't think to make it clear. There are a number of reasons a person spends hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket, and it's generally not so they can eat free cake with a bunch of strangers on the other side of the country.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I haven't had sex since my last breakup, and I'm all lusty. I really like this guy, but he seems to have some intimacy issues. We went on a coffee date, and the chemistry made things go further than I would have wanted or expected (making out like crazy in the car). My friends keep reminding me to build trust and friendship before sex. But can you really go backward? Like, is it possible to just hang out and chat once things have gotten hot and heavy?
--Lustbucket
A nice thick pane of bulletproof glass between two people is an underappreciated chastity helper, which is to say, in a perfect world, you'd plan your dates around one of you getting a job in a check-cashing place or getting arrested and held without bail.
There's a tendency when you've initially gone a little too heavy into the heavy petting to be all: "Oh, well...cat's out of the bag. Let's just go straight to the sex dungeon." However, for women especially, having sex right away can lead to a sort of psychological blinding to their sex partner's shortcomings.
Women seem more prone to getting attached when they have sex. This is thought to result from surging oxytocin, a hormone associated with emotional bonding between mothers and children, as well as lovers. Oxytocin is released in both men and women through cuddling, kissing, and especially through orgasm. However, in men, having sex also sets off a big blast of testosterone. Testosterone goes all nightclub bouncer on oxytocin, blocking it from getting to its receptor. So just as a woman's going all melt-o about a guy, if the guy has no pre-sex emotional attachment to her, his neurochemistry is prodding him to say something sweet and romantic, like "Thanks for the ride! Have a great life!"
In other words, the bulletproof glass suggestion isn't all that outrageous. It's a form of "precommitment," a strategy by economist Thomas Schelling that involves preparing in advance to make it difficult for you to break a promise or duck a goal. Incorporating precommitment could mean only scheduling lunch dates in restaurants and only on days when you have a work meeting right afterward. Another idea is getting to know each other over the phone more than in person -- with the caveat that you only do it in relatively public places, where turning FaceTime into PenisTime is likely to lead to, um, jail time.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I'm a very obsessive person. I went on one date with this guy, and it was immediately apparent that he's emotionally unavailable and broken. I deleted his number but soon dug it back up. I texted, but he never responded. I know he's bad news, but I still think about him constantly. It's especially bad when I'm trying to go to sleep. How do I stop these intrusive thoughts?
--Besieged
It's like that spinning teacup ride, with Satan as the carny: "Wanna get off? Too bad!"
You're doing your best to avoid thinking about the guy. Unfortunately, there's a problem with that. Research by psychologist Daniel Wegner on "the paradoxical effects of thought suppression" suggests our minds have something in common with a defiant 2-year-old, meaning that telling yourself not to think about something gets your mind doing exactly the opposite: thinking about that thing with a vengeance.
This is just how the mind works. When you tell yourself not to think about something, it's an immediate fail. The mind sweeps around to monitor how well you're doing at not thinking about it, which of course involves thinking about whatever you're not supposed be thinking about.
Helpfully, Wegner and his colleagues found a possible way to stem the flood of intrusive thoughts: distraction. This requires thinking of something positive and unrelated to the thoughts you're trying to suppress. Even a red Volkswagen -- the example they used in their experiment -- could do the job.
What's more, psychologists Jens Forster and Nira Liberman found that you can keep your mind from constantly bouncing back to a thought if you shift your focus: admit that not thinking about it is hard. As I explain in "Unf*ckology," "Removing the need to patrol your thoughts ... removes the mental sticky note that tells you to keep going back into Thoughtland with a flashlight to see how well you're doing at it."
Finally, because the mind cannot multitask, meaning think two thoughts at once, it might be helpful at bedtime to tire yourself out reading aloud or following a guided meditation on your phone: You're walking down a beach...you're looking out into the waves...and...um...oops! Just remind yourself that not thinking about something is hard and yank your mind back to Swami Doodah after you inevitably picture yourself holding the guy down and drowning him in the ocean.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
December 10, 2019My husband and I attended his niece's wedding two years ago. Our gift was money earmarked to pay for their honeymoon. We were miffed that we never got either a thank-you note or any word that they'd actually used the money for a honeymoon. We recently got a note that they're expecting their first child. We sent a nice card but no gift, as we never got any response for our wedding gift. Yesterday, a custom card came in the mail, belatedly thanking us for our generous gift and telling us about their honeymoon. We suspect that they're realizing that wedding guests who didn't get thank-you notes are holding back on gift-giving for the baby. Should we buy them a baby gift, or should this be a time for tough love?
--Resentful
Sounds like you've discovered the gift-seeking couple version of the dude who abruptly stops returning a woman's texts, only to resurface weeks later at booty o'clock -- texting the 12:31 a.m. "Hey, whatchu doin'?"
Understandably, you and your husband weren't hot to seize the opportunity to go unthanked for another extravagant gift. Your reticence to fork over again to the unappreciative duo has a centuries and centuries-long history, coming out of the evolutionary need to distinguish cooperators from cheaters and freeloaders. Ancestral humans who let themselves get ripped off constantly would've had less access to vital resources like food and shelter, making them more likely to starve to death or become brunch for some wild animal and wind up genetic dead ends.
We humans evolved to have a built-in accounting team -- our drive for reciprocity, for fairness in what we give and get in return. Our emotions are reciprocity's worker bees, putting out feelbad (in the form of anger, resentment, humiliation, or sadness) when we get scammed. We're motivated to rid ourselves of those rotten feelings, which we do by trying to right the balance or at least avoid getting scammed again.
That said, in close relationships, we aren't looking for 50/50 reciprocity like in business. In this case, for example, a 55-cent first-class stamp on a thank you card would've done the job.
In other words, you're ultimately reacting to a lack of gratitude -- an emotion more vital to human connection than it gets credit for. Gratitude (in response to somebody's generosity) is an important display of what evolutionary psychologist Julian Lim and his colleagues call "social valuation": how much another person values our well-being. Their showing high valuation of our interests is ultimately a form of social insurance -- a sign that when the chips are down, they're more likely to be there for us.
When people don't seem to value our well-being highly enough, we get angry -- as you two did. I wrote in a recent column, referencing the work of evolutionary psychologist Aaron Sell, that anger is a "recalibrational emotion": an emotion that evolved to influence our own behavior as well as someone else's. Anger does its work through imposing costs -- like scaring people at the prospect of you going all crazypants on them -- and/or withdrawing benefits (in this case, future giftiepoos.)
Complicating matters, parents of some or many millennials haven't hammered them on the importance of thank-you notes the way parents (and grandparents) did with previous generations. Also, many millennials view writing messages in ink on paper and putting them in the mail as an exotic ancient practice, like paying cash or having a CD collection.
Granted, in this instance, you don't say you required a thank-you on monogrammed card stock. You were just looking for a little acknowledgment, a little connection with the newlyweds, like a texted picture or two from their honeymoon, maybe with a "Thanks for this awesome love-cation." That's not exactly unreasonable.
But to view these two more charitably, you might want to consider the effects of millennial culture. Culture is, simply put, what lots of people in a group do. Cultural attitudes are contagious, meaning they spread from person to person. In other words, the millennial cultural environment may contribute to good and kind nieces and their new husbands shrugging off rituals important to human psychology and coming off as rotten little ingrates.
Consider that they did ultimately end up thanking you -- albeit belatedly. Taking the cynical view, maybe they just wanted baby loot. But if you believe they may have learned their lesson, you might be inspired to take a chance -- splurge on that crib with the attached day spa, the Tesla of baby strollers, or robo-siblings to tide the kid over until Mommy and Daddy make human ones for him to blame and terrorize.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I'm a 30-something gay guy. When I moved to a new city five years ago, I knew nobody except two female co-workers, who became my first friends. I have since met wonderful, talented, artistic people who are more my style. I no longer work with these ladies, and I'm just not interested in hanging out with them anymore. When they call to get together, I keep saying I'm busy, but they're not getting the picture. How do I break up with them without being mean?
--Trapped
When you break up with a romantic partner, there are comforting cliches you can trot out, like "It's not you; it's me," "You deserve better," and "We can still be friends." When you break up with a friend, where do you go with that? "We can still be people who hide behind mall kiosks so they don't have to speak to each other"?
It helps to understand the underpinnings of friendship. We like to think of ourselves as rational and discerning people with very good taste, and naturally, we believe this shapes our choice of friends. In fact, personality psychologist Mitja Back and his colleagues find that a major driver of whom we're friends with is "mere proximity" -- living on the same block, working together, or, in Back's study, being randomly assigned seats next to each other in a college class.
Location, location, location! Really special, huh?
Still, maybe you feel a little guilty about exiling these ladies from your life, because you used them to have some somebodies around when you knew nobody. However, they hung out with you willingly. It's not like you were some odious character they were forced to go to brunch with at gunpoint.
The kindest approach, of course, is to keep distancing yourself and hope they get the message or just give up on trying to get together. You do say that the "take the hint!" approach hasn't been working. But are their calls and texts so screechingly bothersome that it's worth it to go all rip-the-Band-Aid-off? If you decide it is, you could say, "You guys have been so kind to me, and I've enjoyed our times together, but I've gone through some personal changes, and I don't think we're such a great match anymore."
Be prepared: They may press you to tell them more. For maximum kindness, stick to this sort of vague statement. Don't go all truthful on them: They were human placeholders, the sidewalk furniture of friends, like curbside chairs you dragged home so you wouldn't have to ask your dates, "Hey, wanna stand in my living room and watch Netflix?"
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I seem to keep getting together with the same messed up guy over and over again. Basically, the men I'm attracted to all have the same issues (emotionally unavailable, fear of commitment, etc.). Each time, I tell myself I can make things different. How do I stop doing this?
--Broken Picker
Your problem isn't being attracted to guys who turn out to be messed up. It's going forward with them after you discover that. It's like seeing the sign "Shark-Infested Waters" and then saying to yourself, "They probably just say that so the lifeguards don't have so much work. And I mean, do I really need my arms? Both arms?"
Research by psychologist Roy Baumeister on self-regulation -- professorese for self-control -- finds that it has four components: standards, motivation to meet those standards, self-monitoring to make sure you're doing that, and the will to control urges to do what you know you shouldn't be doing.
You probably believe you have standards, but chances are you haven't thought them out to the point that you can tick off what they are. Not having a solid grasp on them means you can't monitor whether you're following them and take action if you aren't. Now's the time to change that. Write down a list of your standards: your must-haves for a guy you're with, the qualities you can't do without.
When you're interested in a guy, don't just hope he hits the marks; ask questions that draw out the sort of man he is and also look at his behavior. If he falls short of your standards, make yourself move on. Yes, make yourself. This will be hardest the first time and if you really like a particular guy. Eventually, it'll become easier to weed out the guys with issues, though you may need to work on your own before you're comfortable with guys who'd make you happy. Should you find yourself jonesing for a project, opt for something safe, like gluing elbow macaroni all over your car, as opposed to being like the storm chaser dude who's all surprised when he gets blown into the next state and impaled by rebar.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
