I rather extremely inappropriately rude people ignore me than shout verbal abuse or bad vibes at me. But the problem with rude people is that they(with those asiatic have the most tendencies to be rude) have the most tendencies to be rude most of the time to disadvantaged people.

> send those carpet cleaners
> to the closest office
> of the Attorney General

Federal Trade Commission works best, because they're the ones who administer the Do Not Call list.... Or are supposed to, anyway.

The thing that really makes my head want to explode is at work, when I get a phone call, and I pick up the phone, only to hear the person at the other end jaw-jawing with somebody else! You would think I would have that person's undivided attention, wouldn't you???

As someone who talks on his cell phone quite a bit (typically 4000 to 5000 minutes per month), I have never had anyone say anything to me about it. I believe I keep my volume to a normal conversation level and that could be the reason why (I have received some odd looks).

Further on the topic, I have encountered on many occasions people who think I am talking to them (I am a 100% bluetooth/hands free user). Is this also considered part of the rudeness of public cell phone usage?

>I believe I keep my volume to a normal
>conversation level and that could be the reason
>why (I have received some odd looks).

It used to be that people who went about muttering to themselves at normal conversation level were considered insane at worst or severely eccentric at best. It isn't a coincidence that strange is the root of stranger, nor that familiar has the root family.

>Is this also considered part of the rudeness of
>public cell phone usage?

Since you have captured (stolen?) their attention
by mistake it would be rude to ignore them and just go on talking without apology or explanation.
"Sorry, I'm talking on the phone." would probably do it; something on the level of "Excuse me" when
brushing up against someone on the street.

4 to 5 thousand minutes a month? ~68 to ~83 hours?

What could you possibly talk about that's so important - that isn't a displacement of face time?

Northcountry, thanks for the post/the advice. What I have been doing, if someone is about to walk within close proximity, is holding my cell in my hand up at chest level. It seems to have worked as a red flag that I am yapping on my cell phone.

Never even considered until now that I might be viewed as an "eccentric" walking around talking to myself....kinda funny

I also suspect that there is some relationship between the growth of government and a decline in civility.

When people rely on doing business with others in order to make a living, or the voluntary help and co-operation of others when they are in need, there is more of an incentive to get along with other people. But when people rely on distant government bureaucracies for more of the requirements of life, there is virtually no incentive to get along with others.

TW, can you say "brain cancer"? Sheesh. Craziness. Apart from cellphone a-holes texting in cinemas and screaming into their phones next to my ear in public places, the thing that drives me most batty is rude people at checkouts. Especially the women who wait until everything is rung up, THEN start rifling around in their 40 gallon handbags for their purses, THEN answer their phone and chat for five minutes, and THEN pay with a credit card which needs a signature so they can get they can rack up those rewards points, THEN take ten minutes to put it all away before taking their groceries. Thank the gods for the increasing number of self-serve checkouts.

"What sort of rudeness really makes your blood boil, and what, if anything, do you do about it?"

The thing that really infuriates me is aggressive and inconsiderate drivers. Especially people who tailgate, even when the overtaking lane is free. There are more than a few times I have been tempted to take down a driver's number plate, track them down, and extract a toll by say, sabotaging their livelihood or paying a private investigator to see what they can turn up.

It seems extreme, but as you say people will continue to behave in a certain way so long as there is no cost in doing so.

I've always found it amusing when the gals look at you like you're a total perv for staring at them as they chatter away or possibly listening in to their confab on the phone. Yeah, its not because you're talking about personal stuff thats funny/interesting/just plain stupid in a voice loud enough for all around you to hear.

No, I'm a bitter pervy dude who needs to get laid, how dare I intrude on HER PRIVATE BUSINESS, that she's conducting in public.

I;m with Nick on the drivers. If I have the time I'll folow someone for an hour or so and be quite obvious about it

I was at the post office yesterday, and some woman was talking, very loudly, on her cell phone WHILE trying to get her mail held. The postal worker was trying to talk to her and explain things to her, and she'd keep talking loudly on the phone, explaining to whoever was on the other end that the post office didn't know what they were doing, that she was sorry their conversation had to be so interrupted, and finally, in a really exasperated voice, told the caller to talk to her son for a minute "while she got this straightened out". Like it's sooo hard to hang up and call back? Unreal. Sorry, you;re just not that important!!

Had I been closer to the front of the line, I would have just walked up to the counter and started my business, and told her she could finish after her call was done.

I slept with the Advice Goddess last night, and it was delicious (the book arrived you pervs). I'll review it later, but it is turning out to be what I thought it would be- EXCELLENT!

Hate the cell phone people. But rude drivers are what still keep me on blood pressure meds. I am trying to fix this problem (problem being my reaction to them). Cell phone dweebs yacking it up and delaying my coffee or infecting my sanity are one thing, but when I am in a 4000 pound weapon at 60mph and I get cutoff by someone who has a phone at their head? Grrr.

I am most irritated when (usually young women) at, say a fast food or clothing establishment, do not manage a smile, do not say hello and, when I say thank you after my purchase they either say, "no problem" or "sure" or NOTHING! Excuse me but shouldn't THEY be the ones saying thank you for my purchase? It's not like they are doing me a favor! (Other than ringing my purchase up and perhaps bagging it!)

I solved the problem of annoying cell talkers who are in close proximity by buying online a small gadget that jams incoming and outgoing cell calls. It's a miraculous little device--black, about the size of a cellfone and it works like a charm. I turn it on in restaurants, checkout lines, theaters, etc.

Rojak, please post the link for that gadget!

Hey, Rojak-

You do realize that there are many people in the world who are on call for medical and fire emergencies, and many more people whose loved ones are in 'touch and go' medical situations?

That illegal device might well kill or maim somebody, or prevent someone from saying their last goodbyes.

Don't you think our on call emergency personnel deserve to live their lives between calls?

Look, I prefer silence to the point of being a hermit sometimes, but I also realize that if I go out into the world I might hear people *gasp* talking. Sometimes for good reason, sometimes for frivolous reasons.

In short, suck it up buttercup.

My DH is one of those people frequently on-call. He always answers and heads outside of wherever we are to talk though. If we never went anywhere when he had to answer the phone, we'd be more hermit-like than the unibomber.

We just need to get that other 99% of the world to realize they AREN'T needed immediately!

My friend is getting your book as her Xmas gift. We met working at Disney in college. They don't push customer service there. They don't hammer it in. They actually surgically implant it into you. If you ever have the slightest problem with any disney employee anywhere, let it be known. They will do whatever needed to make it right.

I'm annoyed by people who think it's OK to say obnoxious things to people about their personal decisions.

I'm currently annoyed on my friend's behalf because she is pregnant with her third child, six months after the birth of her second, and she can't even enjoy the experience, with people giving her unwanted birth control advice. My friend and I are the same age, but I don't have any children, so people think it's OK to make tick-tock noises and warn me that my ovaries will shrivel up and die if I don't get with the baby making now, now, now. Like I'm gonna be all, "OMFG, you're right. Honey, let's go fuck in the broom closet right now!"

Cell phone blockers: cool technology, but I'm with Amy on this. It's better for us to correct the rude people than to screw the people who really do need to be contacted.

Of course, I may be biased since I slept with Amy last night. Still laughing my ass off.

I use this book light so my happy ass can read in bed.

>

People sitting in public transport occupying more than one seat with their shopping or handbag/laptop etc...and when you ask them politely "excuse me, May I sit here?" they give you this filthy look as in..."yeah if you must!" and grudgingly remove their personal belongings. It doesnt end there.....they then proceed to remind you for the inconvenience you have caused them by jabbing their removed belongings into your space for the remainder of the trip!

One of the things that really bugs me these days is rude or ungracious clerks. I've worked in customer service, I've dealt with jerks, and so I do my absolute best to be as quick and polite as possible. It doesn't cost you anything to say, "have a nice day" to a customer leaving your store or checkout, and it makes the experience so much better. I say it to every one I talk to, clerks, acquaintances, and so on. If you're having a shitty day, don't take it out on other people.

Oh! Oh! And people who park in the middle of the staircase in the subway.

Reminder: The stairs are a means of getting from one level to another, not a supplement to the benches. If I miss my train again because I had to navigate around you, I am going to be irked.

"Especially people who tailgate, even when the overtaking lane is free."

I have a magical switch in my car. Maybe you have one, too. It causes befuddlement, stupidity and blindness in other drivers the instant it is activated. Its range is up to about 1/4 mile in all directions.

It's called, "cruise control". Flip yours on and see what happens.

You can be alone on the Interstate with one other car - and he must, must, get in your lane, and slow down in front of you, when it's on. With no other cars within a mile - in broad daylight.

If your cruise is set to 75, the nearest ape will see this and do 80 until they are in front of you - then change into your lane and slow to 73 or so. They will repeat this if you can't get out of range.

I'm gonna invent the phaser, and disappear me some idiots.

People who park their shopping carts right in the middle of the grocery aisle.

People who talk really loud in the library, especially the ones that teach/allow their children to do the same.

When two traffic lanes have to merge, people who drive right to the front and expect to cut in.

As for what do I do about it? Just glare. I'm a wuss.

>>4 to 5 thousand minutes a month? ~68 to ~83 hours?

What could you possibly talk about that's so important - that isn't a displacement of face time?

I am an almost constant business traveler. Half or more of my minutes are business related. Much of the other half is spent keeping friends and family from saying "where's TW been, is he still alive"?

>>TW, can you say "brain cancer"? Sheesh.

Last study I saw recommended bluetooth usage to combat the possibility of cancer (of course that's until a new study comes out that says Bluetooth also can cause cancer).

You should be here today Amy. My wife has the flu and is in bed sick. Meanwhile, our neighbors 5 year old is spending the day here with my 5 year old. This girl never says anything- she yells everything. I've told her 20 times or more "indoor voices". She and her little brother get yelled at so much by their helicopter mom that this is the only voice they are aware of.

There's gonna be some heavy wine consumption starting in about two hours....

And the people who park in the middle of grocery aisle lanes annoys the hell out of me too. I swear it seems like a third of the people in society today are semi-catatonic.

I hate when someone calls me, then asks, "Who's this?" I suppose it could happen that you forget who you called right after dialing, but usually, it's just a wrong number.

I'm glad Amy mentioned babysitters and hospitals because I'm going to take a cellphone call if it's my child or eldery parent.

But I also rely on them for conducting business, as I think more and more people do. Clients used to call an office, and if they got no answer, they understood you were away and unreachable at that moment, but with cellphones, it's actually become rude not to respond more quickly. They KNOW I have my phone. That's part of the dilemma for us business people. But one should never shout into a cellphone. I always try to walk outside if necessary.

I flew from Nashville to Albuquerque and back last week. I sat next to 4 different men (I'm female). Every one of them was what I call a sprawler. Legs akimbo. Elbows not just taking both armrests, but drooping into my lap. This is just a theory, but I don't think sprawlers do it if they're next to grown men. By the end of both trips I'm twisted up like a pretzel. I DO NOT LIKE those strangers in my lap, and I can't help but cringe away. At least my daughter was on the other side; I don't know what I would have done if I'd been surrounded.

It didn't help to have a dreadful, upper middle class woman berating her milquetoast husband, provider, and childrens' father in extremely unpleasant tones and terms for the return legs. That poor guy couldn't do anything right. The whole plane pretty much bonded in horror at her behavior.

So: 1. Sitting in my lap, sans express invitation, and 2. Making me listen to your shrewish voice.

I'd pulled out of my driveway and was headed down the street when some idiot started honking and flipping me off. As I came to the stop sign the honking stopped, because this idiot had turned into HIS driveway and parked his car in the garage in the back of the house. I turned around, parked, and knocked on his door. When he answered I identified myself as his neighbor @ (insert my address here.) He then said "What can I do for you?", to which I replied "You can tell me why, after I backed out of my driveway and proceeded down the street at the posted speed limit, you came flying around the corner going nearly 50 miles an hour, honking and flipping me off." He was clearly SHOCKED that I was standing at his door calling him on this behavior, and after a few seconds said, in a questioning manner, "Because I'm an asshole??" DING DING DING! I just couldn't let him get away with it. Turns out, he's a nice guy.

I no longer have a cell phone. Turns out, the world DOESN'T end if you're not immediately reachable. I feel so free. My time is my time, and I don't like people thinking they can butt into it whenever they feel like it.

Judy has the answer.

I'm not in danger from my neighbors, and you're not in danger from yours - once they get to know you.

But strangers suck. And as Robert Heinlein once noted, "Every culture has a term that means, 'He is a stranger, and therefore a barbarian'".

Even churchgoers do this.

-----

"I am an almost constant business traveler. Half or more of my minutes are business related."
I'm really sorry about this. It must be a pain to have to conduct business this way.

That said, I want you to hang up to drive. You're not paying enough attention to the road if you're talking business while moving. Many cheers to you if you do this already!

"People who park their shopping carts right in the middle of the grocery aisle."

That really annoys me as well. Common sense suggests that if you either stick to the left or right, others can move around you. And yet people will stick to the middle of the aisle, leaving you to either squeeze past on one side or the other. Another thing that annoys me is when people browsing the groceries step backwards to get a better view without watching where they are going.

Rad, you are right about talking on your cell is a distraction when driving. However, I do talk when driving (bluetooth only). My GPS is on my cell too (directions are given through my bluetooth). I do not talk on my cell phone (GPS only) under city driving conditions (often too much mayhem). However, occasionally when I shun a flight and do the drive to LA from the Bay Area (or long drives from the airport to customer locations), I will use my cell on the freeway.

I can say that all the field people at my company do this. I believe it is 'quietly' considered too much time to not tend to business.

I came here from the New York Times link, but now that I see that you're another of the right-wing nuts that abound lately, I'll take my leave.

oh please EV

noone shows up to a weblog only to anounce they are leaving

If you were truly planing on never coming back after reading just one post about cell phones and telemarketers and divining political persuasion from that one compliant you wouldnt have written anythig at all youd have simply closed your browser

Sorry Amy, I think your reach out to EV, while well intentioned, was a waste of time. He/she is likely a partisan who only wants to hear their view supported. God forbid EV would have to listen to straight forward, non edited points of view from ALL over the political spectrum (and have to read posts from people who don't always agree with conventional wisdom and PC. Gasp!). People like EV are what help make main stream political discourse the sad lop of mostly partisan crap it is..........

Bye Bye EV.....maybe you can enjoy a more fitting site for you...perhaps www.pleasevalidatemypointofview.com

That's a first, someone's first post saying they're leaving! Thank you, Ev I got a laugh out of it.

"Actually, I'm not so easy to pigeonhole. Not a Republican, not a Democrat. No fan of Bush, no fan of Obama. Atheist. Fiscal conservative. Small "l" libertarian. "Personal responsibilitarian." "

But for people who can only ever see the world in simplistic binary absolutes, it is always easy to pigeonhole others. Many on the left tend to assume that if you don't agree with them on the economics, you don't agree with them on anything else. It is funny how some people can't actually grasp the concept that not everyone is bogged down in ideological battles.

Bluetooth doesn't actually help all that much. It seems that dialing is not the problem, the actual discussion is what takes your attention.

http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~jbudhi/SECOND_DRAFT_P4.htm

Texas just made it illegal to be on your cell in school zones. You'd be surprised-or maybe not-at how many parents are still blabbing away while dropping off their kid. Really, if anyone should care about being super-safe around a high concentration of little kids, you'd think it'd be their parents.

I don't know that I ever actually stated the answer to your question, Amy, so: people annoying or endangering others on cell phones is my # one. People who feel a need to comment on personal decisions (# of kids, etc) is #2. People who insult you through the backhandedly (Oh, are you ok, you looked tired!) is #3.

Well, it seems that TW's company endorses being on the cell phone while driving. There's a reason it's becoming illegal to do that.

-----

The NYT commentary amazes me. The next step to doing nothing about rudeness, of course, is to do nothing about violence - and of course, somewhat counterintuitively, there are people opposed to allowing self-defense.

Wow, linked here from the Times. Reading your other blog posts, I didn't realize you were such a right-winger. You know what's really rude? Spouting hateful stuff about religion and politics you obviously know nothing about.

Enjoy your 15 minutes.

"Well, it seems that TW's company endorses being on the cell phone while driving. There's a reason it's becoming illegal to do that."

No, he's saying he has a bluetooth, usually an earpiece or headset. Those are legal. It's just like talking with your passengers if you are driving. Hopefully, we won't start making that illegal.

Many people actually stay more alert if they're talking to someone while driving.

I hate people who cancel plans at the last minute, and people who are chronically late.

... I gotta agree on tailgaiters, especially big trucks!!! I saw a car get runover by a truck once... not pretty.

an Orthodox Jew from Israel,

And one from NJ.

This is just a theory, but I don't think sprawlers do it if they're next to grown men.

No, it happens to men too. I sat next to one of these guys on a 12-hour flight a few months ago. Spent half the flight pushing his knee back where it belonged. It didn't help much, though, b/c he had taken some really strong sleeping pill at the beginning of the flight, and my shoving didn't rouse him. It was miserable.

Came here from The Times. Don't like it. Going back to the safe cocoon of Obama-approved newsiness.

Amy, I forgot to ask... before I buy this book for my mom, is it mom-safe? Mom-safe is about the same as work-safe, in the case of my mom. She'll be happy to see rude people getting berated, but if I give her a book telling her how great prostitution and porn are, she'll wonder about me.

People who tell embarrassing stories about their children really upset me, especially when the parent is talking about how mouthy the child is. I have a hard time refraining from pointing out that the kid is just standing up to a bully.

At the supermarket my pet peeve is people who camp out in front of a given section--or worse, pace up and down in front of it. I have been known to move a cart or two if the shopper deliberately avoids catching my eye. I don't say anything, just treat it like an abandoned cart.

And everywhere, my numero uno pet peeve is people who stand too close where there is no need. (Crowds I can understand and have no problem with.) But at most places I should not be able to feel your breath on the back of my neck, nor should your purse or laptop bag be touching me, much less banging me repeatedly. I've thought about carrying a squirt gun, but I think that would likely get me assault charges. Maybe I should "accidentally on purpose" step on these people instead.

And to those who claim the above is a cultural difference? A. It's mostly been people in white, American communities, and B. I refer you to the advice that etiquette mavens have been doling out for decades...learn the rules of the country you are visiting or moving to. "But it's okay in (whatever) country" is not an excuse for any rude behavior whatsoever. Bring your holiday traditions, food, music--that's all good. But please leave things like burping after a meal behind.

...he had taken some really strong sleeping pill at the beginning of the flight...

I forgot to mention that I did a bit of pushback myself, but they always flop back over. Even AWAKE!

I do wonder if it's still sprawling if he's comatose? Of course, he chose to knock himself out, and the consequences are just as bad, if not worse, for the victim, so I'd vote yes.

Oooh, I guess I'm not done.

Kids playing in the street who do not get out of the way when cars are coming.

When I was a kid we were allowed to play in the street only if we deferred to cars. Failure to follow this rule resulted in having our privilges revoked.

Now I see not only kids but parents giving drivers dirty looks--as if the driver is the interloper!!!

Forget DARE...the PD needs to go into schools and teach things like traffic safety (anybody else remember Safety Town?).

NicoleK, having just finished Amy's book (which I really liked...especially the acknowledgements!), I can tell you that it doesn't discuss prostitution or porn. There is the occasional profane word, so if your mom hates ANY profanity, she won't be happy, but the profanity isn't gratuitous. Your mom will probably enjoy the section about underparenting. My suggestion? Buy the book for yourself and read it to decide. The section on the importance of 150 in terms of community size alone makes the book worth its purchase price.

When two traffic lanes have to merge, people who drive right to the front and expect to cut in.

I hate that too...BUT, according to Tom Vanderbilt, who wrote Traffic: Why We Drive the Way We Do (and What It Says About Us), "late merging" actually slows traffic down *less* than massive early merging. (That's another book that would make a good holiday present -- in fact, I think it makes a rather interesting companion piece to Amy's book.)

How about neighbors that let their dogs bark incessantly? I have a girlfriend who has been unable to sleep since some neighbors moved in next door. They leave their barking dogs out all night. She's tried nicely asking them to do something, but they just ignored her. She finally to bought some sort of device that sends out a signal that's supposed to keep them from barking, but it only works intermittantly. It's so rude to be that inconsiderate of your neighbors.

I'm a huge dog lover, and I agree completely with the barking dog complaint. If my big, loud golden retriever let out more than a few barks, I always brought her in, even in the daytime, on the theory that we don't always want to sleep at night. Also, long periods of barking are a clear sign that a dog is being badly cared for. I recommend a call to the local animal control, and if that doesn't work, the local sheriff.

Sorry, lovelysoul, but you're not going to convince anyone that your mind, however sharp, is on your driving while talking on the phone.

Say this out loud to reveal how silly your apparent stance is:

"I am so safe a driver that I don't need to give it my full attention."

Here's why you DO. (Slightly nsfw.)

When two traffic lanes have to merge, people who drive right to the front and expect to cut in.

I don't consider that rude. What they're doing is perfectly legal. So long as there is an open lane to drive in, why shouldn't they take advantage of it? Early merging is for people who like to play it safe, get right into line so they don't get stuck later. Sometimes I feel like that too, but usually I'll take it to the end. Rudeness doesn't come into it.

What I hate is people who drive on the shoulder when traffic is backed up.

That's interesting, Radwaste, but I don't think it proves that one can't talk while driving. Have you never talked to a passenger? Do you demand stone-cold silence, even on a long trip?

I can talk to my kids in the backseat or a client on bluetooth. There's no difference as far as attentiveness is concerned.

There seems to be such a fear and resentment of this technology. I personally don't get it. The technology isn't to blame; the misuse of it is. Not having your hands free while driving is dangerous, but TALKING while driving isn't. That's been going on since cars were invented.

And I expect to hear voices when out in public. I don't listen to people's conversations unless they're obnoxiously loud. It's none of my business if someone is talking on a cellphone or to their friend across the table. Unless they're being loud, what's really the problem? People can be just as rude and disruptive speaking directly to each other. The rudeness is in the elevated voice not the means of communication.

What I hate is people who drive on the shoulder when traffic is backed up.

Yep, I'm with ya on this one, too.

Thank you. I have struggled with the "two rudes don't make a polite" question for a long time. You are absolutely right. What Judith Martin and the others who suggest patience and politeness don't understand is that some people simply feral and nasty. They use rudeness to establish rank and get their way. Some have borderline personality disorder or something like it and they thrive on conflict. They need a firm, blunt response. It is the only thing they will ever understand. And we can be firm, even angry, and still be civil. A losing battle? Nonsense. We don't have to change the world; we only have to deal with the jerk in front of us.

I used to be annoyed by people who didn't merge until the last minute, but then I tried it...
Results? People are far more likely to let you in at the merge point than farther back. I have a feeling it's like a little secret society--we all let each other in.

Driving on the shoulder and crossing the merge "gusset" thingies (can't remember the name) otoh are no-nos, and I've been quite pleased to see people pulled over for those offenses.

Another driving annoyance? When I let someone merge and I don't get the wave. And for what it's worth, I have never gotten the wave from anyone with a Washington State University sticker on their car. Huskies, though, always wave. Just an observation, didn't go to either school.

Hey Amy, while I'm thinking of it...I'd love to see an investigation of why librarians don't shush anymore.

Used to be that libraries were a sanctuary, and it was the one place I knew I could go for peace and quiet. Now, they seem to have turned into community centers with almost the same level of noise as a Boys and Girls club or YMCA. It's annoying to the point that I'm starting to not care about funding for libraries, and that's sad.

I don't mind people talking on cell phone so long as their voice is a reasonable volume. It does not bother me anymore than a regular conversation.

What I hate - and this keeps happening at my local coffee shop - is the kids running loose. One lady and her two kids in paticular. The little boy will shreak at the top of his lungs. Or climb up on the bench seating at stare at you for about 1 ft away. They have taken the paper from the table I was at that I was reading. I try to avoid being there when they will also be there.

Bad merging is a pet peeve of mine. And yes, waiting till the lines force you over is usually bad merging because there is usually not a spot in the other lane for you to merge easily at that point were there likely was earlier. Hence, you force a slow down to ripple through traffic. Heck, they are working at widen the highway close to me and the bridge has not been widen yet (2 lanes one way now) so it has to go from 3 lanes to 2 and it flowed much better when it was all just 2 lanes.

cell phone jammers are illegal as they should be. I used to be on call and many of our clients where police/911 etc. I was told if your jammer lead to a call not going through and that lead to a death that you could be convicted of man-slaughter.

The study I saw indicated that cell phone use while driving was not that big of a deal. By far the biggest problem was kids in the back seats.

The merge thing doesn't bother me as much as tollboth line cutting. Not as much of an issue now that I have EZPass, but what would happen before, is I'd be in the cash only lane, and other cars would drive in the EZPass lane until they got to the front of the line, and cut in.

NOT cool. I never let them in.

My other pet peeve is the people who DO let them in!

Regarding the cell-phone/ driving thing.

Even with a handsfree device the phone is a distraction in a way that having someone else in the car isn't.

The way the brain processes information is to blame. It actually devotes more attention to the skill it knows better (talking on the phone) than the one is learned later (driving). Driving on a handsfree device is about equivalent to driving with a drink in your system.

And yes, talking to a passenger is a huge distraction as well. However this is mitigating as the passenger acts as another set of eyes to detect hazards.

"That's interesting, Radwaste, but I don't think it proves that one can't talk while driving."

I guess you didn't say what I asked out loud. Say it now: "I'm so good a driver I don't have to give it my full attention."

If you're in a business conversation, you have to pay attention to a stranger who demands information from you. Tell me how to open the Registry Editor and find a string in it while you're driving. Listen to me tell you how to do it and remember it. Now what are you doing?

Here's a contrast. This is Valentino Rossi. The bike costs about $3 million a year to lease. It makes a little over 200 HP from just 800cc. In the picture he's going about 80 MPH. Top speed is about 213. He's making in the high 'teens of millions per year to do this...

...and he has fewer things to do than you do in traffic. But his job is paramount, so he concentrates. Among the top 5 riders in MotoGP, races are usually settled by mistakes. Whoever makes the fewest errors wins.

Don't mistake the air-conditioned company of a friend for a cell-phone conversation. The friend can and will and does help you look out.

It's anecdotal, but here you are: in Newberry, SC I was first on the scene when a car struck the right front wheel of a semi turning left in front of her.
She got out of the car talking on her cell phone - to her Dad, whom she had left in the church parking lot five minutes earlier. Her phone call was more important than missing a semi.

This would be a cut/dried Darwinian selection process if these people just weren't on the street with ME!

I have to ask: do you really need to talk on the phone while driving so badly that you'll force your friends to hear you die because you were talking to them?

"It's anecdotal, but here you are: in Newberry, SC I was first on the scene when a car struck the right front wheel of a semi turning left in front of her.
She got out of the car talking on her cell phone"

Was that a phone or a bluetooth device? I'll bet it was the former. That's the difference that cell-haters won't acknowledge. You talk to passengers just the same, yet, you want to equate someone holding a cellphone to their ear with someone talking on a bluetooth device, which is just like you talking with your passenger. It's not the same.

Lovelysoul, say it out loud: "I'm so good a driver I don't have to give it my full attention."

Bluetooth is not the same, yes. Car ads still advise you not to use it while driving. Who knows better?

So you have Bluetooth, and your kid makes you mad, going out when she didn't have permission.

Are you less angry because you're on Bluetooth?

If you think your phone call is important, you must pay attention to it, and that takes away from your attention to the road.

Say it out loud.

"Another thing that annoys me is when people browsing the groceries step backwards to get a better view without watching where they are going."

I can understand this, really I can, but you're coming off wrong. Basically what you're saying is that no one should get in your way, ever? They should pull their carts right up next to the shelves so no one else can see anything that is in front of them so you can get past. I can see where that would annoy you. Patience is a virtue. You might want to consider it. Otherwise I'd get kicked out of stores for all the kids & soccermoms I'd hit with my squirt gun who get in my way.

As I write in my book, the underlying problem is that we now live societies that are too big for our brains...

I was looking forward to reading your book. Now I'm really looking forward to it. This is precisely the kind of thing I like thinking about and I look forward to putting my understanding on more scientific ground.

When two traffic lanes have to merge, people who drive right to the front and expect to cut in. - Bertha

"late merging" actually slows traffic down *less* than massive early merging. - marion

I don't consider that rude. What they're doing is perfectly legal. - kishke

This is a good one. It's a pet peeve of mine, too, and I usually agree with kishke and marion. When it's a simple case of two lanes merging into one, I try not to let early mergers in because then a bunch more people in the other lane will zip by and merge in later. Effectively it lets a bunch of people through from the other lane for every car that's getting through from my lane. It would be bad from my own selfish standpoint, rude to the people behind me in my lane and more dangerous and less efficient because of the way that it spreads the merging and associated chaos over a longer distance.

However, I have the opposite opinion when it's a case of merging out of a lane that continues (for example off of a freeway onto a busy exit ramp). Trolling for the last possible place to cut in while jamming up the traffic behind, then making a sudden lane change in front of someone and hitting the brakes is both dangerous and rude.

"Lovelysoul, say it out loud: "I'm so good a driver I don't have to give it my full attention."

And you didn't answer my questions. Do you never speak to your passengers while driving? Do you demand stone-cold silence, even while on a long trip?

"Do you never speak to your passengers while driving?"

Your passengers are right there in the car with you, lovelysoul. So even when you're engaged in animated conversation with them, your mind is there in the car too, where it belongs. Your mental response to a disembodied voice on a cellphone is completely different. When you're talking to your mom in Pasadena, part of your mind reflexively, automatically blots out your surroundings and pictures her in her robe & slippers hundreds of miles away, with you sitting on the couch next to her, instead of in the drivers seat. That's why the voice on the cellphone is a greater distraction & danger than the voice of your passenger.

Your mental response to a disembodied voice on a cellphone is completely different. When you're talking to your mom in Pasadena, part of your mind reflexively, automatically blots out your surroundings and pictures her in her robe & slippers hundreds of miles away, with you sitting on the couch next to her, instead of in the drivers seat.

This is all conjecture, or maybe your personal experience. I find that to the contrary, a cell phone conversation involves me less than an in-person, in-car conversation. The danger I perceive in cell phones while driving is in dialing, finding a number etc.

"The danger I perceive in cell phones while driving is in dialing, finding a number etc"

That's the crux of the matter. Your *perception* of the risk in a situation does not necessarily reflect reality. (This is true of risky situations and humans in general, not you and cell phones specifically). But the fact remains driving while talking on a cell phone (even a hands free device) impairs reaction time to about the same degree as downing a shot right before you turn the ignition. People who would never dare to drive with a drink in their system perceive the risk of talking on the cell phone as lower despite the reality.

Fatigue is another area where people's perception of risk usually doesn't match reality. Driving after missing six hours of sleep decreases your reaction time to the point where you might as well be driving while legally drunk.

Now having said that, I do talk and drive at the same time. I'll admit to being a hypocrite.

Multiple studies involving brain scans have shown that conversations on cell phones causes a level of distraction among drivers that effectively reduces the level of their brain activity devoted to driving by about one-third. Talking on the phone while driving, hands-free or not, quadruples the risk that you will cause an accident, on average. And it's actually *more* distracting than talking to a passenger, because a passenger will be able to see if something is going on that you need to pay attention to and will shut up, whereas a person on the phone with you cannot. This is why my employer strictly forbids us to conduct any sort of company business via cell phone while driving, to the point of showing us graphic pictures and footage of what could happen if we do.

I admit to being a hypocrite; I do sometimes talk and drive at the same time, for the reasons that most of us do -- I work long long hours and have relatively little down time outside of the car. But I only do so when traffic is running smoothly and I'm driving a familiar route. And I do so with the knowledge that what I'm doing is adding a new risk into the situation, and I adjust my driving habits to match (drive more slowly than normal, though not more slowly than a significant chunk of drivers on the road, etc. etc.).

In case you're wondering where my data is coming from:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/21/technology/21distracted.html?_r=1&hp

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/99696.php

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-he-cells30-2008jun30,0,2119996.story

One sentence that sticks out for me in particular: Compared with drivers exceeding the legal blood alcohol limit, users of cellphones -- hand-held or hands-free -- reacted 18% more slowly to braking by the car in front and were more likely to get in a rear-end collision.

Fyi, my company neither condones nor prohibits cell phone usage while driving. They have an expectation of obeying driving laws.

A hands free device while driving is less distracting compared to talking to a passenger (by A LOT). The two actually are not even that close. I can say this is most definitely my actual experience. Driving with a bluetooth as compared to holding it your ear is a "wow this is so much better" moment.

Fyi, almost all cell phones now have voice activation (remember this when you are entering a contact's name - make it easy to speak - a lesson I have learned). Taps of the bluetooth take care of the rest (call initiation/disconnection). A distraction? Yes. It is likely much more than scanning radio stations for the right song?

Yes, a handsfree cell conversation is a distraction. So are car stereos/loud music, passenger conversations (but it's ok because the other person might point out dangers??? Seriously???), rambunctious children, eating, DVD players, drinking (soft drinks), GPS usage, not knowing where you are going in a busy and unfamiliar area (this is a really bad one), looking for something in the glovebox or your bag, daydreaming, multiple hour long drives, racy or flashy billboards, eye candy, loud music, any modest level of fatigue....these are all significant distractions. Should they be banned? Are we all guilty of engaging in some activity that has a level of distraction? Is it even reasonable to assume humans will remain on continuous high alert while driving especially drives of more than 30 minutes?

Keeping one's hands on the wheel, one's eyes on the road, and a decent level of awareness is a reasonable expectation for driving.....I doubt most go beyond this for more than a half hour drive in a car.

I can't wait to read the book.

A few thoughts:

1. If someone is tailgating you, just put on your windshield-wiper spray. It will send them a misty message.

2. In a local coffee shop there was a sign posted: "Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy." Humor works.

3. I despise telemarketers, too. But I'm also in non-profit fundraising, where phonathons are still considered and important part of an annual fund. I'd love feedback about this. It's a big dilemma for me.

4. Some people (i.e. me) actually like to be told if they are speaking too loudly into the cell phone. I think it's an auditory problem (if there's too much background noise and I can't hear, I speak louder... human nature is so stupid!), and takes practice to learn the right volume.

5. Sometimes people (not the endless chatterers)are on their cell phones not just for medical or other emergencies. 10% of us are looking for employment. Trust me, you don't want to miss a call.

Thank you so much, Polly!

And sorry, on number three, charity calls are no less interruptive than the other kind, and I write in the book that very little of the money (sometimes 10 percent) goes to the charity from most telemarketing.

I deal with the cellphone point (#4) in the book.

#5, sorry, we all have important business to do. I take it outside -- and did, even when I was in Michigan and it was freezing. Nobody should have their attention seized because I have some business issue.

Barking dogs and midnight mopeds.

I had a neighbor with a constantly barking dog... yes, they ignored my requests for relief... until I offered to let the dog into their house if it barked when they weren't home. They of course weren't at all willing to trust me, a tenant, in their precious suburban castle, but after that pointed offer, things did improve.

I did consider poison and firebombing, though.

Re: cell phones: As a rule, I won't take a call inside a public place unless it's absolutely necessary, and then I keep it short and quiet and try to get out of the way of the general population around me. Voicemail and caller ID are probably standard with every phone plan...and I use them!

Grocery carts: No's one's mentioned this, but what's with people not being able to walk, in some cases, a FEW FEET to place their cart in either the nearest cart corral or, heaven forbid, all the way back into the store! People that leave their carts every which-way around the parking lot piss me off! And in most cases, the people leaving the carts dumped unceremoniously around the parking barriers could really use the extra calorie burn, albeit slight, from walking them back to a proper location.

Driving: A few weeks ago, was driving on I-77, in the left lane, with my cruise control set to about 10 mph over the speed limit. Was pretty much the only car around. This WV babe gets up on my bumper, then winds up passing me in the right lane (which was entirely clear) but not before slowing down just enough to honk loudly at me before she floored it. Then, less than a 1/4 mile later, she exited to the right. Quite amusing, actually.

General laziness as demonstrated by littering also drives me nuts...

Vi, YES! the neighbor's barking dog(s).

Just a few nights ago, my neighbor's dog was howling (a beagle) around 2:30 am. After 10 minutes of tossing and turning in vain, I got up, opened the window and yelled: "SHUT UP!!" And wonder of wonders....it actually worked! Guess my voice was authoritative enough...

:-)

A response to the comment about rude salesclerks...

I've been in customer service 22 years now. And yes, retail clerks are becoming more terse and businesslike. The reason is that people treat them like shit each and every day. Why? Because people are getting ruder.

When I got my very first job at Waldenbooks, back in the eighties, it was a good six months before someone was truly mean to me. I don't remember what the "lady" said, but whatever it was, it was so uncalled for that my assistant manager laid into her in front of a store full of customers for making a sixteen year old girl cry.

Now somebody is rude to me almost every day, just because *they* are having a bad day, or think less of me for having a customer service job or because they are just snatchy in general.

I've learned how to shake it off, paste on a smile and go onto the next customer. Someone starting out in customer service might not have that ability yet.

So, rather than grumbling about the state of customer service today, I suggest my policy of treating everyone like they are overworked, underpaid, and their dog just died. Gets you superlative service 99% of the time.

So, the other Beth, why were you not driving in the clear right lane, as the law calls for? Indeed, someone on I-77 was rude that day ...

I flew SW from Denver to Orlando on the 8th. I hopped into the left front aisle seat cause it was the second leg of the trip and the plane had emptied out. The first passenger on was 300#'s and sat in the right front seat across the aisle from me. He forcefully pulled up the seat devider and I wondered if he'd paid for 2 seats, as no one else could fit next to him. Then he shoved his bag not above his head, but above mine, dropping his coat on me. I gave him a look. He had a large beard and he was dressed all in black and was unfriendly. I'm guessing, but I think he was a Islamic. He had an argument with the flight attendent after take off about putting a camara bag under his seat (he wanted to keep it next to him). They seemed to be placating towards him. When he went to the restroom the flight attendent called forward a colleague who fiddeled with something on the door side to block the exit, as if they were concerned they couldn't stop his momentum, if he tried to open the exit door and threw himself at it. He then again went to the bin above my head and dropped things on me including food residue. As we diembarked from the plane he put his suitcse and carry on right outside of the door, to stop everyone from getting off. At this pont I did move his belongings off to the side and told him to move over. I thought this was beyond rudeness, into the realm of jihadi rudeness.

My newest battle is against spam texts. Luckily I have an unlimited text plan but the entire premise of getting texts from spammers feels invasive. If I didn't have unlimited texting I'd go after them and send a bill for the ten cents, plus a per-hour fee based on how long it took me to go after them.

On merging, with two lanes merging into one: It is called the zipper effect. One car from one lane goes, then one car from the next lane, etc., in that fashion. The problem is with these fuckos who try to get in front of you when it isn't their turn. Maybe I'm a neanderthal but this feels like they're invading my space and pisses me off.

One time a lady did this to me - it was my turn (car next to me in other lane went in front of me) and she flies up out of nowhere (she was behind the car that went in front of me) and she tried to inch in front of me. Driving in the city, after work, brings out the worst in me so I didn't give into her. My turn, biotch! She almost caused an accident b/c I don't lag behind - I was a normal distance behind the next car - so there wasn't room for her. In order for her to get in I had to either slam on my breaks or let her push me into the sidewalk. I chose to hold my ground and so she had to go into the lane of on-coming traffic (instead of just going behind me, like she should have, because no one was behind me). She followed me off the main drag after tailgating me for 6 miles.

I took a bunch of random turns and she stuck by me, going so far as blowing through a few stop signs to keep up. I called the local police and they said to pull right up in front of the station. She followed me all the way there and the cops were waiting.

She said I cut her off.

I totally understand how these things get out of control b/c I wanted to deck her in the face.

deathbysnoosnoo:

I'm in "client services" and get a lot of nice folks, but a lot of angry ones. Granted, when something goes wrong at my job it could cost a client thousands and thousands of dollars per minute. The techies who call up to trouble shoot are nice. The traders - who are trying to cover their asses and make money - are less patient.

When I call up a customer service place I am exceptionally nice to the person but let them know if I am upset with "my service". I clearly direct my anger so they know I am not mad with them personally, but do expect them to help me come to a resolution of some sort. If they cannot help me within a reasonable amount of time I will apologetically (but again, firmly) ask to be transferred to someone with more authority.

If you are friendly to people they sympathize and want to help you. I know this because when someone calls me stupid because they broke something and I cannot magically fix it right away I will tell them I won't help them until they cut it out. If they want to complain to my manager I let them - I didn't do anything wrong. Being direct doesn't mean being a doormat.

People who are nice get my full and immediate attention. I call them back sooner and follow up later to make sure everything is all set.

If someone is truly an idiot and giving you shitty customer service hang up and call back or ask to be transferred. Don't get into a pissing match.

Beth, the left lane is for passing; that's why they call it the passing lane. The right lane is for travel. For tailgaters, I have a sure-fire remedy; I put on my hazard lights and they almost always back off to a safe distance. If I'm on a two-lane road, as soon as it's safe, I'll pull over and let them by. That's what I'd want to have happen if the situation was reversed. I think there's a Rule about that.
I am curious about why you would choose to travel in the left lane on an open road. Were you taught that by someone?
For bad behavior in public, my cell phone has a video camera in it. Why not obviously take a video of the behavior in question and when asked, tell the perpetrator that you intend to post it on your blog, and why. That's after taking the polite avenue, if possible.
Cell phones in cars? Use bluetooth. I have a 20 minute commute and I use it to talk to my wife as she drives her car to work. We love talking to each other and those conversations tend to cover some of our most important issues. If you make a law against it, I'm going to break it. And I'd be willing to bet that I'm paying more attention to what's going on around me than 90% of the drivers I'm sharing the road with. Yes, I'm a man, and yes, I am *that* good a driver!

Gretchen,

I worked for an answering service for a while, and there does seem to be something about the lack of face to face contact that makes people ruder.

But one of the things I did like about it, was that I could let my client know that the caller was a jackass, and the price of the, say, emergency toilet snaking, would magically double.

And should Rudie McRuderson need his septic tank pumped/repaired on a weekend? Triple overtime!!!! And since my client was friends with the only other gig in town, their prices would magically be exactly the same. Yep, price fixing. And it's thoroughly justified.

I love knowing rude people pay more.

Andy, mf24, Yes, I'm aware that the left lane is named the passing lane, and for a reason. However, when you're the only car for miles and miles...I guess I just prefer that side of the road for some reason. It wasn't taught, just a habit. Maybe because I'm a fast walker and I generally walk on the left of people down a sidewalk, etc.

In normal, everyday traffic, when there are other travelers around, I do stick to the right lane except when passing. In this case, when the other driver rolled up on my bumper, I started to move to the right/proper lane to let her by but then she passed me on the right.

I note with some amusement that I'm being chided for driving "illegally" in the incorrect lane, but not for driving 10 mph over the legally posted speed limit....in either lane.

So on target. My boyfriend (both of us over 45) and I are wondering have people always been this rude or is it our age that makes us notice it?

Our neighbor's daughter who has parties until 3:00 am when her parents are gone. When we go outside and ask them to pipe down over the fence, her response is always something along the lines of, "oh sorry, we were playing RockStar..." as though this explains everything.

Our neighbor on the street behind us whose carpool arrives with 2 loud beeps of their car horn...at 5:20 am when the nighborhood is dead silent.

The neighborhood children who insist on playing in our driveway (melting crayons, chalk, breaking garden ornaments) when we don't have children.

These same children's parents who drive down our narrow street at 40 mph when they know the children play in the street.

People who ask, "what was your name again?" they are baffled when I say, "it still is...."

Women who talk on cellphones in the restroom. Please ladies, can we agree on one place that is free from hearing other people's conversations?

Parents who bring their toddlers to really nice restaurants because they are celebrating an anniversary, birthday, promotion, oh yeah the same things the rest of us are trying to celebrate, only now we have to listen to your unhappy toddler. What has happened to the world's supply of babysitters? Apparently there is a major job market that is not being served in Southern California.

We live in apartment building with only two units: we occupy all of floor 3, our neighbors occupy all of floor 2.

They are a family of 6 who NEVER stop shouting. The kids scream all day long, while playing video games or watching TV at top volume, often with friends who come over to make more noise. The father comes home at 5pm and yells at his kids, his wife and into his cell phone for hours.

The wife yells at the kids, the kids yell at each other, the husband yells at the wife AND the kids when not shouting into the phone. All day long, these people are shouting.

We have filed noise complaints, to no avail. They pipe down for an hour or two, then return to shouting like animals. Luckily, they keep normal hours so we are able to sleep at night, but the noise ruins every waking moment of our days.

Any advice?

Gotta agree with mf24 on this one. Beth... right lane is for driving, left is for passing. And yeah, people driving in the left lane bugs me slightly.

Also - I agree about carts being left wherever so that they can scratch people's paint jobs, etc. and so forth. Take three minutes to walk your buggy to the frigging corral. It's not hard.

Here is a flip-side to cell phone rudeness: What do you do when you're sitting outside a coffee shop or even on a park bench using the cell phone and people (not on phones) come up and try interrupting you.
I want to hold up the phone, point and yell, "It's called being on the phone, a_____!"
Instead, I just make sure to never make eye contact.
BTW, I never use the phone indoors or around other people.

Anne--point taken & I can appreciate your point of view...for me, I try to always drive commensurate with the conditions--whether it be width of road, weather, or traffic. I too get annoyed when people camp out in the left lane, particularly when they "box" you in. I guess I had the "Kramer" thing going on--think the episode where he repaints the highway from four lanes into two, wide, luxurious ones. :-P

When it's just me and the open road, I tend to set my cruise control and simply....cruise. I just found it a bit odd that she came tearing up in the right lane, passed into the left lane for the sole purpose of riding my bumper and then switched to the right lane again to pass before I could react. Come to think of it, maybe my bumper stickers pissed her off. Marine Corps and ASU football are pretty inflammatory...

@LS: I've made that mistake before with people talking on the phone, before I realize that they are, indeed, on the phone. But I always apologize, usually more than once, so that's gotta count for something.

AP, I know of something you could try, but it's pretty rude. My cousin did this, with a similar situation to yours. She lived in an apartment, and the residents on the floor below her played really loud music frequently, and after repeated attempts to get them to stop (mostly stopping by and asking, but also speaking with landlords, etc.) she finally found a solution that worked. One day she decided to play a song equally as loud, on repeat, for hours, with the speakers facedown on the floor while she left the apartment to run some errands. I think it was a Marylin Manson song or something equally obnoxious to hear over and over and over. Pretty rude, I think, but it worked.

AP have you tried a fan or other white noise?

Ap if you really want to screw with them call child protective services

"Ap if you really want to screw with them call child protective services"

That is completely inappropriate, lujlp. CPS has enough to deal with without people using them as retaliation against neighbors. Unless she honestly believes abuse is occuring, she shouldn't resort to that. It hurts us all by creating a situation where true allegations may not be believed, the already limited resources of CPS are stretched too thin, and often results in serious trauma for children removed unecessarily. Please think of a better way to "screw" with your neighbors.

What lovelysoul said.

kishke, lovelysoul I can say without a hint of sympathy or guilt that after dealing with the mindless drones in the CPS offices of two states that I would not shed a tear were the entire institution to burn to the ground and half of the people working there were slowly tortured to death and their rotting corpses force fed to the other half

luljp: Point taken. My concern is actually more for the kids than for CPS. Yelling isn't pleasant, but it's not necessarily abuse, and I wouldn't want to see kids removed from their homes just so someone could get even with his neighbors.

"The study I saw indicated that cell phone use while driving was not that big of a deal. By far the biggest problem was kids in the back seats"

Back that up. That's the sort of nonsense I used to spout when I was in college and drove like shit. If that were true, people driving with kids would cause the largest percentage of accidents. And I guarantee you, hell would bet a large sum, that you can't find one iota of a whiff of proof of that.

Insurance companies know stats very well. And they charge men the most. Single men, in fact. That's proof enough for me, although I could find more if I needed to.

"A hands free device while driving is less distracting compared to talking to a passenger (by A LOT). The two actually are not even that close. I can say this is most definitely my actual experience. Driving with a bluetooth as compared to holding it your ear is a "wow this is so much better" moment."

I love that some people's personal opinion is worth more than studies done on the topic. Isn't that sort of like when the sex abuse topic comes up, and men get all mad because some women "know" that most men are offenders, regardless of the facts?? Hell, I "know" I can safely drive 100 mph, so should'nt I get to?

Insurance companies know stats very well. And they charge men the most. Single men, in fact. That's proof enough for me, although I could find more if I needed to - momof4

Thats because statistically men as a group drive more total miles and are more likley to be involved in a wreck simply as a consequence of the law of averages

I'll give you an interesting annecdote though. My best freind in high school was an Eagle scout at 17, never been in a wrech, perfect grades, perfect attenedance, everything that could get you a discount he had, but he lived 25 miles from our high school, as a reslut he had twice the insurance premuim as a girl in our class who had totaled 4 diffferent cars

"kishke, lovelysoul I can say without a hint of sympathy or guilt that after dealing with the mindless drones in the CPS offices of two states that I would not shed a tear were the entire institution to burn to the ground and half of the people working there were slowly tortured to death and their rotting corpses force fed to the other half"

Why then sic them on innocent people, especially children? I agree that CPS workers are often poorly trained, overworked, and not too bright. As you know, they can do a lot of damage when they're wrong. All the more reason not to call them for neighborly disputes. There are other ways to retaliate if necessary, but I wouldn't call CPS on my worst enemy.

AP, your problem is tough because your downstairs neighbors aren't really doing anything illegal and I don't think they can help themselves. You might as well try to convince the sun to stop shining in Death Valley.

I've had lots of conversations about noise (and light) with roommates, neighbors, etc. Even the best intentioned people can only do so much.

If I were in your shoes I'd move. The alternative is trying to drive them out, which in this case I think is unethical, unfair though the situation is for you. They're not running a meth lab.

No, wait! I have it. Record some of their more obnoxious conversations and then play it back to them, speakers on the floor, all night long... at low volume but distinct enough that they'll hear themselves and recognize it.

Luj, accidents are more likely to happen close to home, which is where-apparently-women tend to drive with the errands and such. So I would imagine statistically they'd be more likely to have wrecks. Of course, that negates the 50% of the workforce that is women, who commute, and the women like me who take the kids on long car trips alone, etc. I find your "men drive more" claim highly dubious.

Here's an anecdote for you-between the 2 of them, my brothers have totaled 4 cars. 2 each. The younger 2 did both his in high school. He's a cop now. He failed the driving part of cop training and had to redo it. Apparently that's common. Older Bro just doesn't drive any more. He realized he sucked. My husband has caused 2 wrecks and gotten 3 tickets in the 6 years we've been married. Ha-my 3 anecdotal shitty male drivers cancel your 1 shitty girl. Although, I think teens in general suck. People new at something tend to be bad at it.

More anecdotal evidence...my then 19-20 yo stepson totaled 3 vehicles in less than 2 years. He was without a car for nearly a year, and then we let him get another, which so far, knock on wood, has been relatively incident- free.

He's also had several speeding tickets, and has learned the hard way how expensive it is to drive carelessly.

But, sadly enough, his mom died at 41 in a car accident in which she flipped her vehicle, going 70 in a 55, no seatbelt. So there's not necessarily an age or gender association for thinking you'll be able to cheat death by driving carelessly, although young men do seem to have that mentality in spades.

I have a rudeness problem on which I would love input.

I live in a medium sized apartment complex in a large city in Texas. As with most complexes in my city, my apartment complex has controlled access security gates for both walk in gates (that enter at the court-yards) and drive-in gates (that take you to the reserved parking). There are also fire gates to give EMS/FD access to the apartment in case of an emergency.

The complex was recently sold and the new owners are on a blitz to make as many superficial changes as possible (I think they plan to flip the place). In the process of this, all of the security gates are being propped open by construction workers who don't lock up when they leave for the day. The walk-in gate to my 'quad' is easy to police (although I'm getting tired of it), but the drive in gate and the fire-gates have been hanging open for weeks. I've called the rental office repeatedly and heard lots of promises but no results. I've taken to tying the fire-gates shut so at least they aren't obviously hanging open. There isn't much I can do about the drive up security gate.

I'm tired of policing the gates and bitching at the rental office with no results. This isn't something that I can break my lease or withhold rent over, and frankly my husband and I are attempting to move to another city as soon as employment is found, so we don't want to spend the money to move. Any ideas?

One that I had was to track down the parent company and write a letter of complaint to them and see if that has an impact. I'm interested in feedback. (Amy, I doubt this is interesting enough for your column, but you are free to use it if you every get desperate ;-) )

-Julie

Julie, is there a law in Texas under which the parent company could be found liable if criminals waltz into the place through that open security gate?

Julie, you need to put something in writing - both to the rental management company and the parent company. Make it clear how "vulnerable" you feel by the lack of security. Don't specifically threaten legal action yet, but they should be worried enough about a lawsuit should anything happen to you to respond. Verbal complaints are too easy to dismiss or claim never occurred, but leaving a paper trail should get their attention. If anyone in the complex is robbed or assaulted, they will have already been put on notice and therefore especially liable. Also, many complexes like that have insurance policies requiring them to maintain a certain level of security, so failing to lock gates might violate those terms. You might want to "cc" your letter to the insurance company if you can find out who it is.

I came here from the New York Times link, but now that I see that you're another of the right-wing nuts that abound lately, I'll take my leave.

See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!

Julie, is there a law in Texas under which the parent company could be found liable if criminals waltz into the place through that open security gate?

Not that I've found so far.

-Julie

One of my pet peeves is people who dump coffee or soda out the driver's side of their car in a parking space so that I have to step in their sticky mess when I get out of my car.

"I came here from the New York Times link, but now that I see that you're another of the right-wing nuts that abound lately, I'll take my leave."

Hello, I must be going.
I came to say
I cannot stay
I must be going

If only every exit could be so grand.

lovelysoul and TW, take note: your argument is of the "two wrongs" type of fallacy. Nothing you've said about other distractions does anything whatsoever to justify speaking on the cell phone while driving.

And just to refresh your memory: a fallacy invalidates your argument - and that's not a matter of opinion, but of logic.

I'm seeing lots of driving and cell phone complaints here, but not many about children and parenting or 'other'. Here are a few of my pet peeves:

Children who are allowed to loudly talk/cry during a stage performance and not removed.

Parents who do nothing when a child is behaving badly in public. Even worse, parents who take offense when someone intervenes and has a quiet word with the errant child.

Pre- and teens (even adults) who choose to shoot hoops on their driveway after dark, perhaps not realizing that the 'THUD' 'THUD' 'THUD' of the basketball is waking the neighbor's small(er) children. Or maybe they do realize it and just don't give a ****.

Telemarketers who call day after day, month after month, and even though i do not answer (i have call display and i do not answer to unknown callers) they continue to call, hoping i will answer tomorrow.

Teachers and Principals who blame the victims of bullies and phone the parents exclaiming that "if your Johnny would just stay away from the bully, things would be okay". Geesh. That's not only rude, it's criminal.

Ok, here is my one token driving complaint: people who chronically drive BELOW the speed limit, holding up a long line of cars behind them.

"carpool arrives with 2 loud beeps of their car horn...at 5:20 am"
Roger that. In my old complex it was called the Mexican Doorbell - not a racialist thing but recognizing that the apartments were over 85% ESL. From 4:30 AM (for construction workers' carpools - 4 of them with pickup times from 4:30 to 6:00), which was followed by the school carpools from 6:00 to 8:30.
Don't get me started on the picking up of dates from 3:00 PM to 3:00 AM.