I was driving along the Thruway the other day, and up ahead of me was a bunch of turkey buzzards. It looked like they were in the middle of my lane, so I changed lanes to go around them. Then, just before I got to them, they all scattered.

Well, one of them must not have been too bright, because he flew right in front of me instead of the other direction. I didn't have time to hit the brakes, so he smacked right into my jeep. He dented my hood, rolled up it into my windshield (cracked it real bad) and flipped right over my roof.

And landed on the hood of the Police car driving behind me!

Then, to add insult to injury, the Police Officer pulled me over and gave me a ticket.

...For flipping him the bird.

A magician worked on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, he did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot understood, she started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat! Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank. After swimming for a few hours, the magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared malevolently at each other but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another, and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could restrain itself no longer: "OK," she said, "I give up. What'd you do with the ship?"

A subject dear to everyone's heart...

No health care? No problem!! Just go to an airport, where they'll give you a FREE x-ray and breast exam! And if you mention Al Qeada, you'll get a free colonoscopy!

Also:

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. ‘This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

In a remarkable coincidence, three preachers and their wives all perish in a pileup on I-95 Southbound on their way to Miami. They appear at the Pearly Gates and are interviewed by Saint Peter at about the same time.

To the first preacher, Saint Peter says, "Outwardly, you projected the picture of a pious and just man, but you were in fact a glutton, always into the sugar and the chocolate. So much a fiend you were that you even married a woman named Candy! Twenty years in purgatory for you!"

To the second preacher Saint Peter says, "While you preached thrift and generosity to the flock you were trusted to guide, you were in fact a greedy miser. Such was your desire for riches that you married a woman named Penny! Twenty-five years in purgatory for you!"

The third preacher looks at his wife and says, "Well, Fanny, things are looking too good now..."

Makes you wonder how Peter got to be a saint, huh?

Is this where you post the immature and offensive jokes? Oh good...

So it's been 72 year since Hitler died, and he goes before the reincarnation board to see if he gets another chance at life on Earth.

God is the head of the panel, and asks Hitler "So if we give you another chance on Earth, what will you do with it?"

Hitler responds, "I'll kill every Jew on Earth and a kid's birthday party clown."

God immediately looks puzzled, and asks "why a kid's birthday party clown???"

Hitler stands up and says "See! Nobody cares about the Jews."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

Is it easy to tell a concerned citizen from a vindictive sock puppet, incapable of rational thought?

Sadly, No!

I love these context-sensitive ads. After three or four preacher/heaven/St Peter jokes, the ad on the left, under the links gallery, is for ChristianMingle.com!

I wonder what would happen if everybody made comments about bunnies for a while?

So a bear is shitting in the woods. He looks down next to himself and sees a bunny also shitting in the woods. The bear asks "does it ever bother you when the shit gets stuck in your fur?"

The bunny replies "uh, no, not really."

So the bear picks up the bunny and wipes himself off.

A woman opens her refrigerator and sees a rabbit lounging on the shelf, so she asks "What are you doing my my fridge?"

"Is this a Westinghouse?"

"Yes, it is."

"Well, I'm westing."

In honor of Old RPM and those of you wasting time reading this blog at work I give you, the parable of the bunny and the crow: One day the bunny is hopping through the woods and comes across a crow sitting on the high voltage power lines. The bunny says, "Crow, you sit around all day doing nothing while I'm hopping around gathering food." The crow says, "laze around if you want to, I don't care." So the bunny takes a break from his gathering and pulls up a patch of grass below the crow. "This is nice," thinks the bunny when all of a sudden a wolf comes up behind and gobbles him up. The moral of the story: If you want to sit around on your ass all day you had better be sitting pretty high up.

http://www.vtwinmama.com/demonic_squirrel_riding_story.htm