Your Choice, Boys: A Lifetime Of Masturbation Or A Prison Sentence
Welcome to the end of dating -- except for men who are very drunk or very foolish.
Check out this sick tweet from an Irish police force -- the official Police Service Northern Ireland account. Yes, the sex panic madness has spread across the pond:
Hi, my name's Amy Alkon, and I'm from Sanityland:
My boyfriend of 15 years is my boyfriend because, the day we met, after 3 hours of my flirting my ass off with him, he walked me to my car & grabbed me & kissed me.
— Amy Alkon (@amyalkon) December 9, 2017
This is every rom-com I've ever seen come to life in a single (sexy!) moment--not reason to scream for the cops. https://t.co/r0jjBU1eWW
And check this out. There's this notion that it's HORRIBLE and TERRIBLE if someone makes an unwanted pass at you. I'm not talking about somebody raping you. I'm talking about an attempt to kiss you that you duck.
There's something wrong in modern life -- and we see it on campus, with the notion that emotional discomfort should not be tolerated and the conflation of emotional discomfort and a physical attack.
We've gotten used to modern comforts that make our life easier -- to the point where we have become utter pussies about the slightest discomfort. As I noted the other day, this is the antithesis of the message in Nassim Nicholas Taleb's Antifragile:
In "Antifragile: Things That Gain From Disorder," risk researcher Taleb, a former derivatives trader, explains that antifragile is "the exact opposite of fragile" -- but it goes beyond "resilience or robustness." Antifragile describes the way living things are improved by stressors -- becoming better, stronger, and more able to cope with difficult, unpredictable stuff that comes their way.
Before long, some other country will invade ours, and all we'll do in response is sit on the curb and cry.
via @Suffragentleman
So, in Northern Ireland, the Harry Potter movies are now considered to be porn, since Harry kissed Cho under the mistletoe?
Wfjag at December 9, 2017 2:43 AM
Hah -- great point.
Amy Alkon at December 9, 2017 5:39 AM
So, bumping into someone is rape now? The next time someone accidentally bumps into me at the grocery store, I should curl up in the fetal position and sob uncontrollably on the floor.
I realize that's probably not what that tweet means, but that is what it says.
Although their actual intent isn't much more comforting. The tradition is to kiss under the mistletoe, not fuck under it. (Unless something goes on at Christmas parties in Northern Ireland that I don't know about.)
I didn't know anywhere but Sweden considered a potential unwanted kiss to be rape. (And for the record, I'm not sure about that. I just note that their definition of "rape" is elaborate, and frequently ridiculous.)
But I'm sure the feminists would want it that way. I note with a mixture of amusement and disgust that they've coined new terms, such as "stare rape." Apparently if the male gaze lingers upon any particular female for just a teensy bit too long, she's been raped.
To say nothing of their cherished abilities to retroactively withdraw consent, deny all responsibility for their conduct while intoxicated, and to redefine capitulation to coercion.
Patrick at December 9, 2017 6:00 AM
Your Choice, Boys: A Lifetime Of Masturbation Or A Prison Sentence
How long before somebody decides it's an offense to masturbate wrong?
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at December 9, 2017 6:18 AM
Be back in 15 minutes. Masturbating under the mistletoe.
mpetrie98 at December 9, 2017 7:16 AM
@Old RPM Daddy If you're masturbating into a flowerpot in front of a subordinate, you ARE doing it wrong.
mpetrie98 at December 9, 2017 7:24 AM
You are sick, sick, sick.
You do not get to kiss someone without their permission. Stealing kisses is not a thing.
When you write about that story you also say that you were giving off signals. That you ran very slowly until Gregg caught you and that according to science that is how it's done.
You are contradicting your own self and your cheese is slipping off your cracker.
Next research project for you--Cluster Bs and how their life typically falls apart in their 50s or so because they don't have the advantage of youth/naivete, they have alienated all of their friends and family, and they are so abrasive they can't make any new friends.
Say more psychotic stuff so I can rip you a new one every day! This is fun!
Bitchlasagna at December 9, 2017 8:41 AM
"This is fun!"
How fat are you, anyway?
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at December 9, 2017 9:07 AM
It's been a thing for centuries. You do not get to come into the world and pronounce that conventions that predate you are not things.
Patrick at December 9, 2017 9:15 AM
Amy, that tweet sounded an awful lot like a lame joke that just shouldn't have been made public. Not like something that any cop believes.
lenona at December 9, 2017 9:20 AM
bitchlasagna, you have no romance, no soul.
Stealing kisses is a thing, and it always has been. At one time, it was romantic, not creepy. Tastes change, and not always for the better.
To Patrick's point, there's François Truffaut's 1968 film Baisers Volés, that's Stolen Kisses for those of you whose French is even worse than mine..
Taylor Swift sings of stolen kisses and pretty lies in "Blank Space."
Poets and authors have sung of stolen kisses for centuries.
Conan the Grammarian at December 9, 2017 10:11 AM
I didn't know anywhere but Sweden considered a potential unwanted kiss to be rape. (And for the record, I'm not sure about that. I just note that their definition of "rape" is elaborate, and frequently ridiculous.)
In Sweden the definition of rape is'i had sex with a celebrity and three days later he had sex with someone else and I don't like that so I'm retroactively withdrawing consent
lujlp at December 9, 2017 11:06 AM
Oh, good. Someone came up with good references. Thank you, Conan.
The only thing I could think of at the moment was that horrible song, "Steal My Kisses" as performed by Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals.
Probably not the best example, with lyrics like,
If he's chasing her from state to state, and she's ignoring him, it may be time for her to take out a restraining order.
And with a chourus that repeats the line "always have to steal my kisses from you" four times, this song doesn't sound very romantic. Maybe it was, at the time it came out, but today it sounds more than mildly creepy. If you're always having to steal kisses, it's likely she's just not into you. It's also likely you need to be in jail.
No, no. This song was not a good example of romantically stealing kisses.
Patrick at December 9, 2017 11:10 AM
Here's an even creepier one, Patrick:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kxpsvW2gAE
As for Troll Lasagna: she makes my day! Her stuff is funny as hell! And she undoubtedly wants to be taken seriously, which makes it funnier still!
mpetrie98 at December 9, 2017 12:17 PM
Amy, I hate to think that today, given the hysteria, Gregg might hesitate to be so bold. Surely now there are many women not getting the kisses they hoped for which would have been theirs in an earlier time. This will force women to be much more explicit in their expression of sexual interest -- to a level with which most women will be acutely uncomfortable. Oh, well. Equality's a bitch.
But, back to Gregg, I suspect that the stunning impact of your various charms left him overwhelmed and with no real choice. You flame-haired, spell-binding temptress!
Jay R at December 9, 2017 1:50 PM
"Say more psychotic stuff so I can rip you a new one every day!"
That's what you think you're doing?
Wow.
Radwaste at December 9, 2017 2:46 PM
Going in for a kiss is not feeling someone up. Feeling someone up is not groping genitals. I feel like the last should not be attempted until the first two have been resonded to with enthusiasm... it is not hard, start with a kiss and work your way further.
Nicolek at December 9, 2017 11:22 PM
Nicolek
Set up a fake email address under a mans name and use it to comment on any feminist board and say the same thing
My guess is within 30 minuets at least ten women will accuse you of being a rapist
lujlp at December 10, 2017 9:27 AM
Two things at work here. America's ever-present Puritanical impulse reasserting itself, and the reemergence of Victorian courtship rituals in a really mutated, Chernobyl-aftermath kind of way.
Dennis at December 10, 2017 3:25 PM
Ever heard of a gentleman kissing a woman's hand? (Btw, that began in France, according to one source.) Most sources claim that it's only done when the woman initiates it by holding her hand up with the palm downward. As you might guess, only upper-class women are likely to do that. (It's considered rude for a man to refuse to kiss such an offered hand - unless, maybe, she's of a lower class!)
But anyway, stealing a kiss THAT way may well seem far more romantic to the surprised girl/woman than the other kind. Just don't do it with someone who is not already your dear friend - or prom date. (There are at least some schools, thankfully, that make it possible for everyone to go to the prom by pairing off the teens in advance; if pre-established couples don't want that, they have to say so in advance. Also, no one has to dance more than one dance with the date.)
lenona at December 10, 2017 4:15 PM
Every time this subject comes up I get more discouraged about any ability of our current Western society to resolve it in any way that makes any sense. And the possibility of "bumping into" someone like Ms. B. Lasagna, gives me shivers just thinking about it.
Think I'm going to put all my money into the company that makes the Fleshlight, I see it becoming the only safe and sane option for single men of any age.
bkmale at December 11, 2017 7:03 AM
Bitch (since we're getting chummy here, can I call you Bitch for short?), I especially like the part where you decide on Amy's behalf whether or not she granted consent. Whether Amy thought she was granting consent clearly doesn't matter. Megalomania much?
(And yeah, since you know to mention Cluster B's: therapy as rationalization is a very common Cluster B behavior. Just sayin'.)
Cousin Dave at December 11, 2017 8:38 AM
Amy Alkon
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2017/12/09/your_choice_boy.html#comment-6634965">comment from BitchlasagnaBitchlasagna reads my column in the Pacific Northwest and drops toxic turds here reflecting her irrationality. She posts anonymously, though it took me about five minutes to find her picture, full name, and her knitting on Flickr.
She appears unhinged. In a previous comment, she said she'd sue my publisher to have my upcoming book removed from sale. She also said this: "I was raped by a female babysitter at the age of three. She made me fist fuck her."
No three-year-old is capable of "fist-fuck"ing a person.
http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2017/12/08/were_now_poison.html
I've allowed you free speech on my site, but now I'll remove it. I don't have time to look for these turds from you and remove them.
Amy Alkon at December 20, 2017 4:37 AM
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